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Emotionally unavailable....can we be friends?


RockChick_Lestat

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RockChick_Lestat

Hello everyone;

 

 

I would really love to hear your thoughts on my situation - sometimes the answer is clear...but we are so deep 'in it'....we don't want to or can see what's right in front of us....

 

 

I met a new friend some 3 months ago, via mutual friends.

He works out of the country for most part and then returns for anything from a few weeks until recently, a few months.

 

 

Prior to meeting; they talked about him....said that he got hurt (marriage ended about 3 years ago)...and that he is closed off and very strong willed and opinionated. NOT someone I think I'd be friends with.

 

 

However, we started talking outside the group and I was pleasantly surprised...we talked every day. We exchanged opinions....he mentioned that he was 'loner'....not into relationships etc. Me on the other hand, having been hurt before (many a time) is open to one. The right sort off one.

 

 

As we got to know each other and exchanged experiences, views etc etc....it became apparent that his choices are based on mostly self-preservation. I'm talking polygamy and the like. This is not my choice of lifestyle though.

 

 

I am not attracted to him. But something happened last week. Somehow it didn't matter...his looks.

We go out, we have sleep-overs (sleeping next, but now with him)...he holds my hand...he is incredibly affectionate....opens up....all those things...it's a safe place...and he has admitted that much.

 

 

I'm no idiot. I cannot and won't ever want to change a man (again). It doesn't work. You can't truly accept someone if only this...or if only that.

 

 

So even though we are not lifestyle compatible...I really enjoy his company. But I think I got use to the way he makes me feel...holds me...plants kisses on my head etc. And I'm afraid that now I don't WANT to loose that...and that has made me feel 'needy' inside. Checking phone etc etc. I'm working hard towards staying busy, making my own plans (which has worked out great last weekend and this coming weekend). Don't want to scare him away.

But do I really also want him to stay (whilst still in the country)...hanging out twice a week, staying over etc?

 

 

I haven't been in a relationship for a few years - so I get that I am feeling connected to this person who understands my hurt, having been used etc...even though he developed different coping measures.

 

 

I think that we can continue being friends....perhaps give myself a bit of space over the next couple weeks...just to take the 'edge' off of not having him around or wondering if he will make plans this week etc. He did make plans already for us, but only 1 night this week and I'm going away the weekend.

 

 

I hate the fact that whether he will call/message is on my mind....it didn't bother me before last week...and the attention came through in abundance.

 

 

Can I keep this friend, IF I mange to keep my emotions in check? Or am I already addicted to the way he makes me feel and won't be able to come back from that?

 

 

I just don't know.....

 

 

Thank you for reading x <3

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Well he has warned you he is not into relationships so I don't know why you would put yourself in a position to be hurt with an emotionally unavailable man.

Whether you are already addicted or not; only you can answer that.

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He's not looking for a female friend. He's looking for someone to go along with him having multiple women. He's not going to hang around once he knows you want to be just friends. PS, he sounds like a wind bag. First he says he's a loner and then he says he wants to be a polygamist. Break that down and it means "I just want to be free to have sex without any emotional commitment or any obligations with as many females as possible."

 

He's full of it. Don't be fooled.

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I think you mean polyamory which is multiple long-term love relationships.

 

And I don't think that is him. Are you saying that he is non-monogamous?

 

Meaning that, by most definitions, that he does not stay with or have one girl friend.

 

Either way, if that is not something that you are into then you really need to not let yourself fall for this guy.

 

I have several GF's. I let any woman that I date know up front that this is who I am. Those that have a problem with it I don't date. Those that act like they don't have a problem with it and try to have me all to themselves eventually get hurt. Those that are cool with it, and casual about it get to be with me as much as we both have time for.

 

I am thinking that you really, really don't need to get wrapped up in this guy.

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RockChick_Lestat

Spot on Blues!

 

 

Yes....you have hit the nail on it's head.

He told me that someone who doesn't want to share him will get hurt...and that the last girl he was seeing last year said she was ok with it, but she wasn't.

Thank you very much for clarifying that for me....and for correcting me. Polyamory....that's the one! :) Shows you how much I know about that!

 

 

It has been very healing for me to be around him, notwithstanding his lifestyle choice. It's his choice and not mine to have an opinion about....but I'm not ready for that step.

 

 

So I think I will enjoy the times I have with him as long as I can allow myself to not have any expectations about the future or about exclusivity.

 

 

Thank you very much x

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