A girl, her long relationship, and her PS doc..

[seekingguidance85]

Hi Guys,

 

This is very new for me to be posting, first time ever, and I am a pretty reserved person in speaking of my relationships with friends or family. There is a lot to this story but I'm going to try and keep it brief for now.

 

I am 31, 5'2, 115 lbs. Not to sound silly, but I am very attractive to some if I'm 'their type', and even hotter now (more about that later lol) I have green eyes and natural curly dirty blonde hair down past my butt. I am of Mediterranean, Italian, French, and German heritage. I kinda look like a Victorian fairy, high cheekbones, etc. I'd never be a playboy model, which sometimes when growing up was hard as those girls get all the attention, but I am a quieter, natural type of pretty. Ok enough about that :-)

 

I have been in a relationship for nearly 10yrs with my boyfriend I had met at work when I was 19, we started dating when I was 21. He is now 38, me 31. We've worked together at all our jobs, now with me at our high powered careers in the (backstage) film industry. It sounds glamorous but it is up to 80-90 hrs a week of hard labor and leaves us totally drained and we each deal with stress in our own not great ways. He has a family history of bipolar disorder and goes off the rails under extreme stress, I have learned to cope better with anti-anxiety meds and just some deep breaths. Our jobs sound terrible but it is very artistically rewarding, it's not forever at this pace but I have goals and about 2yrs left at this pace.

 

Here's the rub, I am the typiest type A you will ever meet- I graduated with high honors in three years from the best film school you can go to for my line of work, the only school I applied to at 16, I am the only female in NYC who has my job which is part engineering part editing, I bought my dream Vicotorian house in my dream town about 2hrs outside the city (long 4hr commute everyday, I sleep !!) that I have been working on restoring myself for three years, and have two lovely dogs and a garden. I also survived a huge debilitating illness that nearly killed me. I am also bisexual.

 

Sooo... My partner is super type B, and a very attractive bohemian looking man. He tends to be a little overweight which I don't mind and sometimes looks not put together, which I really mind, and a bit shaggy. It all depends where his head is at in the moment, and he refuses to get any therapy. He enjoys riding my coat tails, 'using' me to advance his career, all my money to buy our house, I own the car, etc. I don't come from money this is money I earned, and he does contribute nearly 50% to the bills each month, but he is the 5yr through college type. I always have to ask him to do a chore, come up with any new ideas for our life, vacations, etc. I have to push him at work, in everything, and sometimes I feel like his 'Mom'. Most of the time he is very nice to me, but I think because I am sort of this tough independent chick he doesn't exactly open doors for me or treat me in any way like a 'lady'. For years I haven't minded as I realize I'm not for everyone and if there was two people as strong as me we would clash, and I really appreciate sometimes his ability to 'slow my roll' and let me live in the moment a bit.

But, as I get older and have been working this hard for this long, I realized I am tired. I don't want to be anyone's Mom, and I would like someone to appreciate me and how hard I work and 'take care of me' for once, maybe someone that could make me feel like everything isn't on my shoulders, or they will spin out of control if I don't hold everything together. With the stress at work and our schedules, we have been emotionally disconnected for about 8 months now. since we own a house together and work together, things are complicated, I feel quite 'undateable' in my life, and taking care of someone just isn't romantically appealing. I just figured this would be my life and quietly accepted this (with the help of anti-depressants) lol. Note, I rarely (once besides my partner in 9yrs) have feelings for men or women romantically - I couldn't get pickier and have been a serial monogamist forever.

 

Now, here is where it gets interesting. I decided in the summer to go for a consultation for natural breast augmentation, where they use fat from your waist and put it in your breasts, it's a new thing, I'd never get plastic in my body, this is 100% real. A very few docs do this, and I found one in NYC. I went for my consultation, and HE walked in the room. The doctor. Holy $hit. He was handsome, but he had this confidence and air about him, an impeccable but eccentric (I love that) suit, and stunning funky shoes. He was warm with a foreign accent and green eyes, and in many ways reminded me of a real life artsy James Bond. I immediately felt feelings I forgot I had. He is 40yrs old. I am a big show person, I immediately said, 'I like your shoes!'.

 

He was sweet to me, he actually gave me a discount to afford the surgery. It was an interesting moment, but I put this interaction out of my head for months. Fast forward to December, surgery time, my relationship has deteriorated further at home. I see him again, with my parents who came with me, and I notice as he is taking my before pictures he is mildly flirting with me. He is touching my hair which he said was beautiful, and actually said I have 'perfect' small breasts, lol. He has such a flair about him, and he is a Harvard educated doc, super interested in art and design, and most attractively to me, super driven. He said to my Mom 'now I see where she gets her pretty face from'.

 

I had my surgery, my breasts and body sculpting came out superb. Like hit it out of the park- I feel 'sexy' again, and almost like I don't have to settle for anything. I don't feel super tired and worn out- I feel like I did at 21 again. That's all great, but meanwhile this doc and I have been talking on social media, I texted him a New Years pic and he said I looked beautiful, he emails a polite hello now and again. Most recently he signed an email with his first name and not dr. I know of a thing called transference where patients like their docs for the work they did but I liked him before that, but I do admire him for the work he did as well! He is an artist! Weirdly enough, he also enjoys visiting where I live and has posted about it on social media before I met him.

 

So long story short, once I go to my final follow up this Wed, I will no longer be his patient. I know there is extreme ethical restrictions on doc / patient relationships, but I think this will end somewhat after my final follow up. I just feel like he would not make me feel like his Mom haha, he makes me feel like a lady and he clearly has all of his **** together in every single way. He is attractive, well put together, super educated, hardworking, and extremely ambitious. He I believe is single and works a zillion hours a week, but me of all people understands that. However, I do feel like this highly accomplished man is out of my league, I am just a normal yet ambitious Jersey girl and he is an internationally accomplished Doctor!

 

I do still care about my partner, this Doc is like no one I've ever met and I just am wondering before I ever think about anything if this man could like me! I know he is a Ps and their job is to make you feel good, but he has gone out of his way with me. I would like to get just coffee with him to see what he is thinking, I almost feel he might ask me Wed, or maybe he cannot? I am crazy to think this man could like me? He doesn't know anything about me other than where I live and what I do for a living. I just feel something I haven't felt in a long time. My parents jokingly call him 'Mr. Wonderful', they are so curious about if he likes me and aren't sure what they think overall either.

 

So please, thank you for reading and what do you think? What is your opinion on everything? How can I tell if this man likes me? The house and my current partner, I could work that out. It's just like I met Prince Charming and would like to know if he thinks I am his princess too.

 

Please give me your thoughts on everything! Lol.

 

- Wondering

[VeveCakes]

I think he did a good job making you feel good and enjoy the whole process of the surgery.

 

You are not single. Remove your BF from the equation before you attempt to date anyone else.

 

I do not think this DR is interested TBH. I think he is a plastic surgeon and knows how to work it.

[mikeylo]

Yeah the doc again ! He is just doing his job. Don't think anything more than that.

[seekingguidance85]

Thank you guys. I think you are prob right. I appreciate it.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know there is extreme ethical restrictions on doc / patient relationships

 

What's unethical is keeping your partner in the bullpen as a plan B while you shop for a new relationship. How would you feel if you discovered he was doing the same thing?

 

If you want to act single, become single. Pretty much sounds like your relationship has run it's course anyway.

 

tl;dr - you're putting the cart before the horse...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BlackCherry]

What's unethical is keeping your partner in the bullpen as a plan B while you shop for a new relationship. How would you feel if you discovered he was doing the same thing?

 

If you want to act single, become single. Pretty much sounds like your relationship has run it's course anyway.

 

tl;dr - you're putting the cart before the horse...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed. Your post has the tone of a little girl being offered the brightest sweets in the candy store: nose pressed upon the glass, gasping in joy at the delights that await you. Not of a thirty one year old woman in a serious cohabiting relationship of many years duration.

 

Look, I'll be frank, this sounds like a silly patient doctor crush. It's normal. It happens all the time. You're wowed by his status, skills and ability to enhance your life as he has done. You're reading so much into this guy you can't even possibly know. Like for example you're convinced he has his sh*t together: being a successful medic doesn't guarantee the rest of his life is hunky dory. I live with two doctors, and one of them has her room so messy she couldn't find her shoes to leave the house on time for a meet up tonight. And she's a late twenties trainee neurosurgeon.

 

You have some serious thinking about the following questions to do:

 

Why did I stay in my relationship so long when it's essentially meaningless to me?

How do I best cool off the butterflies (hint: cease all contact!) so I can think clearly about how to sensitively end my relationship?

What's with my moral character that I'm actually swooning over and asking if I have a chance with some new dude I barely know outside of a professional context while living with a partner?

 

I get it, he's hot and powerful and makes you feel good and your bf acts more like a little boy who needs taking care of: it's natural you developed a crush. But he's had these qualities a long time and until now you've chosen to stay in the relationship. That's on you. Sort your home life out before even thinking about another guy.

 

Final thought: either this guy is just being nice and professional to maintain contact and retain you as a future patient/source of income, or he's actually willing to pursue something, in which case his professional judgment is appalling (messaging that you're beautiful while you're still on his books? What). Neither of them scream 'good idea' to me.

[seekingguidance85]

Thanks, guys. It's harsh but I understand. I am like 75% sure he actually does have some feelings for me but will never act on them due to the stigma of the doc patient (even former patient) relationship. It's ok.

 

It was funny when he saw me he turned bright, bright red and had to get his composure, that's so cute. It was flattering to me :-)

 

Yeah, I get the harsh judgement on my current relationship, but you guys, please understand my partner is using me. I just had a blowout with him again over how he is treating me, and someone as 'stuck' as me in this relationship- he works, lives, and commutes with me-I don't have any morals anymore. Well, at least I'm jaded. My BF is happy with the things I've provided him in his life, knows I am basically undateable due to my schedule since only an extremely busy professional who I will not exactly run into in my daily life (re- the doc above) and honestly I'd probably (and was thinking this before doc rolled into my life) just be single if I wasn't in this relationship. Judge me all you want, but someone who pays 50% of the bills nearly, helps with housework, and occasionally shares a meal with me is to me at least better than no one at all.

 

I can't even tell you the last time I had any feelings for anyone.. Seriously. I was beginning to think I turned asexual, lol. I'm just a stress basket that works so much and I'm just trying to own my house and get financially stable before I go through a big life change. I thought maybe we'd break up in less than 2yrs, maybe things would improve, in reality I don't even have the time to think about relationship things. I would like for things to get better. In all fairness my partner works so hard and is so stressed too, most people couldn't deal with what we deal with, and in 2yrs I bet we could be different people. Hence, the anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants for now, two years is a long time to live like we currently are.

 

But, and I really appreciate typing this here as I have no one else to talk to, I saw that doc and it was really magic. Like the movie fairy tale things that I at least never had happen before in my whole life. It's funny I mentioned James Bond, my fav actor is Pierce Brosman as James Bond, and it was like I met him. I didn't expect it, you can tell I wasn't looking for literally anything, and it was nice to remember I am a woman, I do have feelings, it is possible for me to be romantically interested in someone. That someone, of course, is remarkably special and not someone I'm going to bump into in regular life. And, I could tell he liked me in some way, and yes I actually had a convo with his best friend who works with him (because I would never ask him) and it went something like I would say- he works a million hours a week, all his relationships have ended because of that, he has been single years now and isn't looking for anything, and it is Sooo taboo and possibly harmful for a doc to date a patient, even former. No one would deny that there isn't some connection somehow between us, but I'd say 97% nothing will ever happen.

 

And ya know what? I'm ok, it just makes me sad. I met someone that made me feel something again, made me have hope for a better life, and I could tell they felt something for me too. For sure, even his best friend said it. As extremely busy professionals you seem to just shut off a part of who you are, it's sad and unhealthy really. But something activated, and it is forbidden, and with our lifestyles will never happen. I finally feel something and it will never, ever happen.

 

I'm not despondent, I'm better off that I was in some ways because I'm glad I found out I have hormones still, and I will continue to truck along in my current relationship and he just agreed to try to be better. But, at least I saw Prince Charming, lol. I'm sure if I saw Pierce Brosman in his prime that would have been awesome too but there would have been a zero percent chance of that for a regular person like myself.

 

Thanks for replying and letting me just stream of consciousness talk here, and I welcome anything at all you have to say.

[JuneL]

Is it even professional of him to talk to his patient on social media?

[seekingguidance85]

Meh, it seems he talks to most of his patients on social media somewhat. Me, yes, a little more than others. But generally he likes to have cordial relationships with his patients on social media.

[anika99]

Why are you going to continue your current relationship when you believe your bf is just using you? You don't seem to have anything nice to say about your bf at all. You say he is better than nothing at all which to me indicates you are using him.

 

It's a really bad idea to cheat your way out of a relationship but it sounds like you are just waiting for someone better to come along. It's also a really bad idea to swing from one relationship right into the next one. The guys who are willing to rescue a woman from an unhappy relationship are not good guys at all. Good guys who have their crap together don't get involved in situations like that, nor are they attracted to needy women who are afraid to be single for a minute.

 

If you want to meet a man who is right for you and who makes you happy then you are going to have to end your current relationship first and then spend some time grieving the end and being single. You have to have the ability to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else.

[JuneL]

Meh, it seems he talks to most of his patients on social media somewhat. Me, yes, a little more than others. But generally he likes to have cordial relationships with his patients on social media.

 

The fact that he's unprofessional to most of his patients doesn't mean doing the same thing to you is professional. Well, in this case, he probably has a way of making his (female) patients feel special.

[Mr. Lucky]

Thanks for replying and letting me just stream of consciousness talk here, and I welcome anything at all you have to say.

 

Again, I think you have things backwards.

 

You're using your situation with your BF to explain, support and justify the feelings for your doc.

 

You should be using the feelings for Dr. Bond as motivation to address the unsatisfactory situation with your BF/roommate. People in healthy and fulfilling relationships don't spend their days fantasizing about a medical professional they've seen 3-4 times. Your heart/brain are telling you there's still a person alive in there despite your best efforts to numb and work her into an emotional coma.

 

You're a healthy young woman in the prime of your life. Get your azz out of the office - and this stale/dead relationship - and start living. Time is the only commodity truly existing in limited supply...

 

Mr. Lucky

[seekingguidance85]

Thank you, Mr. Lucky, that is a pretty great reply.

[seekingguidance85]

Hi Guys,

 

I am here to say, unicorns are real, fairytales do exist, good things can happen!

 

Sooo... Dr. Bond as we will now continue to call him ACTUALLY really likes me, and is aware of my entire situation. He has literally never dated a patient, and is terrified of doing so. However, we talked privately and he truely does think I'm something special (which is such an amazing thing to hear) and wants to see me somehow. I'm not a gold digger, I'm not remotely after his money, I just think he is handsome, well educated, and extremely ambitious while being super sophisticated. He likes me because he thinks I am beautiful in a natural way, smart and well educated, and also extremely hardworking. I'm working on the sophisticated part hahaha.

 

We've done nothing more than talk on self destructing texts, send pictures of our travels. He did a very long surgery the other day then went home and made a complicated meal from scratch and I was like are you actually the *nationality* James Bond? And he was like, 'Yup, thank you'! Hahaha.

 

And the best fun news of this? The current BF / roommate has taken notice that someone special has shown interest in me. All of a sudden, he is being nice, sweet, not a giant dick, and MOST IMPORTANTLY not taking me for granted.

 

Of course, now I feel bad. I fell in love years ago with the guy I am seeing again, not the ********* I've been dealing with for at least a year. What type of guy cleans up his act only when he feels like he might lose something? Ugh.

 

The good news is I actually feel good, wanted, 'special', so all of this has been a good thing. My BF knows he neglected me but just didn't make it a priority until threatened which is hurting my brain right now..

 

Dr. Bond and I have to figure out how to talk without jeopardizing his career, so I think I will need to be a former patient at least, which will take weeks. I can tell he is horribly conflicted, he does not know how to deal with this. He certainly didn't want a relationship and wasn't looking for anything and I certainly wasn't either but then we crossed paths! I am a patient for at least 6 more weeks, I need one more follow up to check on some things.

 

Well... I'll keep you updated!

[JuneL]

I'm not trying to be negative, but if this doc is what you've described (including his being single, his "not having time" for a relationship, and his decent social skills), then chances are, he's very used to his female patients throwing themselves to him. Every one of them probably thought she was so special as to finally tame him.

 

And your boyfriend is okay that you're contemplating cheating on him?

 

Finally, what's up with this beautiful in a natural way? Interesting this came from a plastic surgeon.

[BluesPower]

The BF is easy...

 

He got comfortable and then realized that something was going on and decided to step up his game and not take you for granted.

 

Your brain should not hurt about that on it is that simple.

[seekingguidance85]

Hi Junel - yes these are the thoughts going through my head. I mean, says his best friend apparently not often but I find that so hard to believe.. One thing I noticed is in the past year he started working out etc and wasn't always the debonaire guy I see today but more like a super nerd hahaha. Also, he is incredibly old fashioned in everything - from his clothes to his manners, he hates overdone plastic surgery. He likes classical music. Hates tons of makeup, bleach blondes, etc. He's extremely conservative plastic surgery wise, will not do nose jobs as it involves 'hurting' a person, likes to do creative surgeries like he did on me, doesn't like putting plastic in people's bodies. He I'm sure is a bit of an egomaniac, he also seemed to be extremely excited to know there was no filler etc in my face, that he was the first one to ever touch me. He was so freaking excited about it it was creepy almost lmao.

 

So I guess I'm saying that while my looks are Victorian-esque, a lot of girls that come into his office are the bay watch babe types he hates. But still, I'M SURE those girls must hit on him..I mean he's more Frank Sinatra than Justin Beiber but i imagine some girls still like that besides me?

[Cookiesandough]

I went to cosmetic surgeons in the past. I never got any surgery(thankfully) but it was something I flirted with as an insecure girl. Most of the docs knew this coming in, I guess, because all of them said "you're a very beautiful girl" "you're very attractive" It means nothing. They say it to most of their clients. It's good 'bed side' manner to make someone feel nice about their looks especially since they are probably a bit insecure to be seeking an improvement.