Too soon or just a lost cause

[donnacas]

Hi all, I'm new here but I come with a purpose. I'm so confused. I have a male friend that I have been dancing around with sexual tension and chemistry for about 2 years now. I'll try to be a brief as possible. We have been friends for about 2 years. I like him very much but him liking me has been up in the air. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no. It seems like we always get to that point where he has to make a move if he's going to make one and he cuts and runs. I'll see him three or four times a week for a couple of months, then he'll completely disappear on me for a month. It's been very confusing and frustrating.

 

About three months ago, he stood me up for some plans we had, didn't really have a good excuse and I let him know that it wasn't cool with me. He immediately disappeared on me for a couple of weeks and when he turned back up at a place we both frequent, I noticed him showing a lot of attention towards another woman. So, in a moment of strength, I said enough is enough and I decided to take a step back from him. I quit talking to him other than just being civil when he spoke to me, I did not invite him to do anything with me, and just put him out of my head. He seemed to accept that at first, paid more attention to the other woman, and pretty much left me be until about two weeks ago. Suddenly he decided that me not interacting with him was not ok and he got really persistent about me talking to him. I felt like by then that I was ok to talk to him again. I was wrong.

 

Saturday night, both of us were at a bar. We did not go together but when he came in and saw me there, he immediately latched on. We both proceeded to get very drunk. At the end of the night, I called a friend to give me a ride and offered him one. We decided it would be better if he just stayed at my house so I could give him a ride the next day back to his truck. (Not the first time he's ever stayed with me. He sleeps in the guest room) Anyway, we made it home and proceeded to continue drinking. I finally said I had had enough and was going to bed. He knows where everything is at my house so I told him the guest room had clean sheets and went to bed.

 

A few minutes later, he opened my bedroom door and asked if I wanted company. I said yes (drunk but I probably would have said yes even if I wasn't) and it went from there. The sex was good and I have no complaints. He snuggled right up to me and stayed that way afterward all night. He didn't seem to be uncomfortable or awkward the next morning.

 

But when I finally took him to his truck, he left without even a hug. We texted briefly that day because he left something at my house and I dropped it off and I haven't heard from him since then. It's only been a day but I'm really antsy about it. I really like him and would like this to progress to the next step. Did I sleep with him too soon? We haven't dated but we've been really good friends for almost two years. I probably know more about him that anyone. Still....What should I do? Anything?

Edited January 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[smackie9]

You should communicate to him that you have an interest in dating him, just to put it out there and see. You have been friends for years, you should be able to talk to him about it. IMO guys don't waste their time being friends with a girl for nothing. I feel the alcohol was liquid courage. He had been shy about being with you for all that time before....

[mikeylo]

Give it a few days and see if he calls. If not , when you see him then talk it out.

 

But I guess, if he wanted , he would have done something in the last 2 years. Like he went the next day , I guess there isn't much hope. He probably regretted.

[donnacas]

If you hooked up with a guy once, but he keeps coming around after and initiating spending time with you, but didn't try to have sex again, what would you think? Just a hook up and he wants to be friends? None of my other guy friends try to spend so much time with me. (Generally, the guys I call friends I just see in places we mutually hang out and we only text or call if there's a real reason. None of them text me randomly just to chat like this guy or ask me to do stuff that's just the two of us). He gives all the signs of being interested but the sex was only once, with both of us having way too much to drink. I'm not sure what to think...

[Jj66]

Have you tried talking to him about it?

 

I've never understood why opening our legs is often easier than opening our mouths.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Some hook ups end up as a relationships.

 

Do you like the guy? Is he someone you enjoy spending time with? Do you or could you see him as more than just a hook up?

 

If I were to toss out my opinion, it looks like he wants to spend more time with you and see what comes of it. Stop over analyzing it unless you really don't want anything more to do with him.

 

Good luck.

[donnacas]

Have you tried talking to him about it?

 

I've never understood why opening our legs is often easier than opening our mouths.

 

 

You are exactly right, it is often easier. For me it's a pride thing. Don't want to look like a desperate female.

[donnacas]

Some hook ups end up as a relationships.

 

Do you like the guy? Is he someone you enjoy spending time with? Do you or could you see him as more than just a hook up?

 

If I were to toss out my opinion, it looks like he wants to spend more time with you and see what comes of it. Stop over analyzing it unless you really don't want anything more to do with him.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, I could see him as more than just a hook up. I like him very much. Just don't want to get attached unwarranted.

[mightycpa]

He's shy. He likes you, but he's thinking maybe you only slept with him because you got drunk.

 

If you want to get the ball rolling, ask him to take you on a date somewhere specific, like

Ooooh, I've always wanted to try the lasagna at Mama Mia's! Why don't you take me there Friday night?

[lily999]

If you hooked up with a guy once, but he keeps coming around after and initiating spending time with you, but didn't try to have sex again, what would you think? Just a hook up and he wants to be friends? None of my other guy friends try to spend so much time with me. (Generally, the guys I call friends I just see in places we mutually hang out and we only text or call if there's a real reason. None of them text me randomly just to chat like this guy or ask me to do stuff that's just the two of us). He gives all the signs of being interested but the sex was only once, with both of us having way too much to drink. I'm not sure what to think...

 

But don't fall for it too much. I had the same experience with a guy lately. After the hook up he would just text me or call me for small talk, not just trying to set up for the next hook up, and it seemed like he was not pushy for the sex for a second time. Then I started to fall for him, Anyways we had sex again, he was acting so sweet the whole time and saying something to make me believe that we would become more than just casual sex. Almost two weeks passed since out last hook up, neither of us contacted each other. Then I sent him a message telling him I missed him. He texted me back like half an hour later, telling me that he had met someone at work already and had been out for a few dates. I guess he was playing games the whole time, when he was seeing me he was with that girl already.

Edited January 18, 2017 by lily999

[donnacas]

He's shy. He likes you, but he's thinking maybe you only slept with him because you got drunk.

 

If you want to get the ball rolling, ask him to take you on a date somewhere specific, like

 

Lol, actually I have some concert tix that I just sort of lured him into asking if he could go with me to....I may have to let go of my female pride and take the first step forward this time.

[donnacas]

But don't fall for it too much. I had the same experience with a guy lately. After the hook up he would just text me or call me for small talk, not just trying to set up for the next hook up, and it seemed like he was not pushy for the sex for a second time. Then I started to fall for him, Anyways we had sex again, he was acting so sweet the whole time and saying something to make me believe that we would become more than just casual sex. Almost two weeks passed since out last hook up, neither of us contacted each other. Then I sent him a message telling him I missed him. He texted me back like half an hour later, telling me that he had met someone at work already and had been out for a few dates. I guess he was playing games the whole time, when he was seeing me he was with that girl already.

 

I am 100% positive this guy isn't seeing anyone else. I'm just in a position to know. That' not to say he isn't playing games, but it's definitely not that one.

[donnacas]

Have you tried talking to him about it?

 

I've never understood why opening our legs is often easier than opening our mouths.

 

Can I ask you, as a guy (I assume you are from your posts) Would you spend time with a woman you've already slept with if you didn't have some interest in her?

[donnacas]

Ok, I'm about to type a really long post, so I can lay this out properly. Bear with me because I am so confused and need some outside opinions so I can get some idea of what to do. Last year, I met this guy, we'll call him Tom. Tom and I have mutual friends and we became friends. He started spending a lot of time with me, like three or four times a week. He'd come to my house and hang out, or come sit with me at work (I work in a bar). We were in almost daily contact over text and phone. And you know, you just kind of KNOW when something is happening between you and someone. I just KNEW. This went on for a couple of months. Physical contact was very slow in coming but finally one night he snuggled up to me on the couch. It was that point where you know it's finally going to happen. Then, very suddenly, in the middle of the movie we were watching, he said he had to go and practically bolted out the door. He disappeared for about a month.

 

Then he called me one day and asked if we could get together and do something. I accepted with the intentions of telling him how I felt about the disappearing act. In the end, I forgave him and we sort of reached an unspoken agreement to be friends. For the next few months, he has been on and off in my life. He'll be around for a couple of weeks, (not like before, usually only coming to see me at work, or coming to the house occasionally, once we went out and ate)and then disappear for a week or two. This has been going on for the better part of the year this year. Finally, I got fed up with him about a month ago when we made plans to go see a movie and he pulled a no show on me. No call, no text, just didn't show. I just quit talking to him. He'd show up at my job and I'd serve him and move away. I was civil and didn't act mad, I just didn't socialize with him at all. Actually started chatting with another guy. At first he left me alone, but then three weeks ago, he seemed to realize I wasn't talking to him anymore. Suddenly, he was very attentive to me. I guess he decided he was going to make me talk to him again. For about a week, he was practically up under me.

 

Finally I gave in and forgave him again. One night recently we both got very drunk and I had to call someone to give us a ride home. He came and stayed at my house. I gave him the spare bedroom because I had honestly decided that we were just going to be friends. A few minutes after we went to bed, he came knocking on my door and the rest you can guess. It wasn't awkward or weird the next morning and he seemed fine. When I dropped him off at his car we parted like we always do with a hug. Since that time, we have not been intimate at all again, but he is suddenly in contact regularly again. He texts me first (Something he has never done before. I always initiated texts) and at least every other day. I've seen him every day on the weekend the past two weekends at his request and I've seen him at least twice during the weekdays, also at his request. But we haven't even spoken about that night and he hasn't done so much as kiss me again.

 

I'd say it was just a hook up, but what stops me is all the things he's doing now that he never ever did before, like the texting and the initiating seeing me with no prompting. I've got the gut feeling that SOMETHING is happening, like I did when we first started talking, but I'm confused about the intimacy and then nothing else afterward. This feels like mixed signals to me.

 

I know some of you will say just ask him and eventually I will but it's really hard because I really really like this man and it crushed me when he kept disappearing from my life and popping back up and I don't want to drive him off again by pushing. I'd just really like to ground myself in some reality and I figure maybe people looking at just the facts can give me a better opinion.

 

And thanks and a cookie to you if you made it through all this.

Edited January 20, 2017 by donnacas

[xUnknown]

Does Tom seem like the shy type? You never mentioned either of your ages.

 

 

I think this could be one of two things.

 

 

1) It started out slow because he was shy. Nothing ever happened because of this. He started to like you, and you him. You had movie night and he got scared for whatever reason (perhaps he was afraid of having feelings, not ready to commit), and he left. You two drunkenly hooked up. He still likes you, but not sure where you two stand so it was nothing right off the bat. Now, he realizes that you're dating around and still likes you, and is making more of an effort - which is why he is initiating more.

 

2) He had a girlfriend already. He was flirty with you, you two liked each other, but he couldn't do anything, which is why he was on/off with contact. You two hooked up. He still had a girlfriend, which is why it was nothing. They broke up. He still likes you, which is why he is initiating more.

[PogoStick]

It seems he is pretty into you because of all the time you spend together. He just sounds like a wimp who isn't confident enough to directly pursue you. With some drinks in him, liquid courage melted away his inhibitions. It's odd, sad, and annoying that neither of you are able to broach the subject the next day. He's probably assuming it was just a hookup for you too, and that you don't want him as more than a friend.

 

So, he's a wimp. You have to be the one to move this along. Ask him out on a real DATE, and make the first move to kiss him, even get him in bed if you desire. He needs you to hold his hand and guide him through the relationship.

[donnacas]

Does Tom seem like the shy type? You never mentioned either of your ages.

 

 

I think this could be one of two things.

 

 

1) It started out slow because he was shy. Nothing ever happened because of this. He started to like you, and you him. You had movie night and he got scared for whatever reason (perhaps he was afraid of having feelings, not ready to commit), and he left. You two drunkenly hooked up. He still likes you, but not sure where you two stand so it was nothing right off the bat. Now, he realizes that you're dating around and still likes you, and is making more of an effort - which is why he is initiating more.

 

2) He had a girlfriend already. He was flirty with you, you two liked each other, but he couldn't do anything, which is why he was on/off with contact. You two hooked up. He still had a girlfriend, which is why it was nothing. They broke up. He still likes you, which is why he is initiating more.

 

Thanks for replying. I really want the opinions. I can tell you for sure there was and is no girlfriend. And yes, he's very introverted, so shy is part of that. He had a pretty bad past relationship a few years ago, his fiancée cheated on him with his best friend, he caught them in act. He hasn't dated much at all since then. He's a little younger than me, he's 35, I'm 40.

[xUnknown]

Thanks for replying. I really want the opinions. I can tell you for sure there was and is no girlfriend. And yes, he's very introverted, so shy is part of that. He had a pretty bad past relationship a few years ago, his fiancée cheated on him with his best friend, he caught them in act. He hasn't dated much at all since then. He's a little younger than me, he's 35, I'm 40.

 

Then definitely sounds to me like its #1. This would explain why he is shy and afraid to get close to you. Seems as if now he's realized what he'll be missing out on if he lets you go.

 

Go out with him for drinks and a quick bite and see where things go.

[Big Sky]

Can I ask you, as a guy (I assume you are from your posts) Would you spend time with a woman you've already slept with if you didn't have some interest in her?

 

I'm a guy -- I think if he wants to continue to spend time with you after having slept with you, that's a sign of interest in something more. Not saying it'll blossom into "forever", but it's a sign that he definitely wants to continue interacting with you and possibly getting more emotionally intimate as well.

[donnacas]

It seems he is pretty into you because of all the time you spend together. He just sounds like a wimp who isn't confident enough to directly pursue you. With some drinks in him, liquid courage melted away his inhibitions. It's odd, sad, and annoying that neither of you are able to broach the subject the next day. He's probably assuming it was just a hookup for you too, and that you don't want him as more than a friend.

 

So, he's a wimp. You have to be the one to move this along. Ask him out on a real DATE, and make the first move to kiss him, even get him in bed if you desire. He needs you to hold his hand and guide him through the relationship.

 

The only reason I haven't broached the subject of the intimacy is because I'm afraid I'll scare him off if I push him much. He seems to do much better when I lean back and let him move at his own pace. I'm fine with that, I just need a little clarification that I'm not using my patience up on something that I am misinterpreting.

 

Thanks for replying and expressing your opinion though. I do tend to agree that I am going to have to take the lead at some point. I actually did sort of lure him into accepting a concert date with me. It's a month away but it will involve a long drive and an overnight stay in a hotel so, maybe we can get some action going then, if not sooner.

[donnacas]

Then definitely sounds to me like its #1. This would explain why he is shy and afraid to get close to you. Seems as if now he's realized what he'll be missing out on if he lets you go.

 

Go out with him for drinks and a quick bite and see where things go.

 

We actually are pretty close. When we're together, it's like we've known each other forever. I can be comfortably silent with this man and that means A LOT to me. It's also why I am worried that we may have hit the friend zone. It's been soooo long now and we know so much about each other. I want it to be more but I also don't want to drive him away completely.

[kvolm2016]

Is there a reason that you feel like you don't want to just let the relationship continue to develop in whatever way it does? It seems like you want to push it along at a faster pace than he does.

[preraph]

He's more than old enough to know exactly what he's doing. And what he did is got himself laid. Has he ever asked you on a date, taken you out and paid for the date and acted like a gentleman and kissed you when he dropped you off at the end of the evening? If not, then he isn't dating you. He is not so shy he is incapable of asking for sex, is he? So he's not too shy to ask you out properly and date you and if he hasn't done that, he's not interested in making you his girlfriend.

 

You need to set boundaries here. If he comes around again for dateless sex, just tell him no, that you are looking for a real relationship.

[donnacas]

He's more than old enough to know exactly what he's doing. And what he did is got himself laid. Has he ever asked you on a date, taken you out and paid for the date and acted like a gentleman and kissed you when he dropped you off at the end of the evening? If not, then he isn't dating you. He is not so shy he is incapable of asking for sex, is he? So he's not too shy to ask you out properly and date you and if he hasn't done that, he's not interested in making you his girlfriend.

 

You need to set boundaries here. If he comes around again for dateless sex, just tell him no, that you are looking for a real relationship.

 

I'm tending to agree with you, no matter how much I'd like it to be the other way. I'm still friends with this guy but that seems to be all we are going to be. I'm actually talking with another guy now, and his reaction to seeing me with him has been...interesting.

[donnacas]

Is there a reason that you feel like you don't want to just let the relationship continue to develop in whatever way it does? It seems like you want to push it along at a faster pace than he does.

 

Um, because it's been well over a year...