friend seems to want to be offended despite all the good I have done for him!!

[chumly]

I was a bit annoyed and taken back by an online friends message to me today after I have done so much to help him through some difficult times he is going through financially and mentally. I have bent over backwards to help him find work@home jobs and have constantly told him that he can call or email if he ever wants to just vent to someone about his frustrations.

 

Anyway, I tend to send long messages to him (as I do for everyone) and usually his are a bit shorter in response...but in one of my last messages to him I made a joke about his short message back to me and how my longer ones show more personality and charm then his short messages back...but I was just joking around with him. He tried to explain in a message back that he is going through alot right now so it is hard to send long messages to me. I then explained once again that my message was a joke and that I did not expect a long message at all in return and that I know that he is going through and reminded him once again that i was joking and apologized for doing so. I also offered to assist with the applications for the work@home jobs I sent links to and also offered my ear in case he would like to talk about things.

 

Anyway, this is the response I got back from him...

 

 

"Thank you.

It did push my “I want to please everyone” button.

 

I just can’t go on and on with typing unless I feel good (mentally).

I do care that you write and enjoy it.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

R"

 

 

I then sent another response apologizing yet again but at this point I guess I am getting a bit annoyed because i feel like I have done so much to help him but yet he seems to want to go on about being offended about my jokes. I thought a much bigger THANKYOU was in order from him or at least that he should not keep going on about this after all the good I have done for him.

 

Anyway, just wondering what others think. Does it seem like he is going on and on about such a small thing when I have done so much to help him?

Would others be a bit taken back by this too?

 

Thanks in advance.

[VeveCakes]

 

I then sent another response apologizing yet again but at this point I guess I am getting a bit annoyed because i feel like I have done so much to help him but yet he seems to want to go on about being offended about my jokes. I thought a much bigger THANKYOU was in order from him or at least that he should not keep going on about this after all the good I have done for him.

 

Anyway, just wondering what others think. Does it seem like he is going on and on about such a small thing when I have done so much to help him?

Would others be a bit taken back by this too?

 

Thanks in advance.

 

He said he is not in a good head space...that could mean anything.

 

Don't place your expectations on others. I see nothing wrong with what he wrote. Don't help people so much if you are expecting a lot in return. Help people for them, not yourself.

[chumly]

He said he is not in a good head space...that could mean anything.

 

Don't place your expectations on others. I see nothing wrong with what he wrote. Don't help people so much if you are expecting a lot in return. Help people for them, not yourself.

 

okay thanks! Perhaps I was being overly sensitive! It is good to get another perspective on things.

 

Yes, I agree that when helping others it should be done with no expectation of a return. I guess I only started feeling this way after he seemed to take offense so much at what I thought was a minor joke on my end but I might be the one that is overly sensitive.

 

Thanks for the thoughts on this. I really appreciate it. That was EXTREMELY helpful!

[chumly]

He said he is not in a good head space...that could mean anything.

 

Don't place your expectations on others. I see nothing wrong with what he wrote. Don't help people so much if you are expecting a lot in return. Help people for them, not yourself.

 

actually you really are right when you say that I should help for "them" and not "myself". I think i had the wrong motives behind helping him. I like him romantically so wanted to score brownie points so in reality I had the wrong motives all along!

 

Anyway, thanks so much for helping me to see that.

[elaine567]

Anyway, I tend to send long messages to him (as I do for everyone) and usually his are a bit shorter in response...but in one of my last messages to him I made a joke about his short message back to me and how my longer ones show more personality and charm then his short messages back...but I was just joking around with him.

 

That wasn't a "joke" that was a criticism and don't say you don't want longer messages from him, because you do.

I know you want to be appreciated for all your "help" and you want this guy to show a spark of interest in you too, but I think you are flogging a dead donkey there sorry to say.

[stillafool]

I hate long messages too. Who has time to read all that stuff? Just be quick and to the point I say. It does kind of make you feel obligated to write a book back to them.

[VeveCakes]

actually you really are right when you say that I should help for "them" and not "myself". I think i had the wrong motives behind helping him. I like him romantically so wanted to score brownie points so in reality I had the wrong motives all along!

 

Anyway, thanks so much for helping me to see that.

 

It's natural to be disappointed especially when you have feelings for them. It's good you can look at yourself and be honest with your motives and feelings. Something I am still working on too. He seems happy to hear from you.

[preraph]

Chumly, the subject was long vs. short messages back and forth. He obviously doesn't have the energy for always doing long ones. Then he told you this. Then you STILL wouldn't drop it and just kept nagging him and nagging him and trying to string out the messages back and forth in a very transparently needy manner.

 

You need to learn to just drop it and stop pushing like that. It is very annoying. If you're not getting what you want out of doing things for him, stop doing them. I doubt he's comfortable with it anyway.

[chumly]

okay..thanks everyone! I think I might have been overly sensitive this week because someone I was really enjoying getting to know online is now nowhere to be found. He seems to not even have much of a profile on the dating site anymore.

 

We have spoken several times on the phone and i was very motivated to meet him because he seemed to think very similar to me when it comes to relationships but like I said, he has not responded to my messages lately and just does not come on the sites anymore. I guess maybe he met someone or may have just gotten involved with something else. However, the strange thing is that he seemed to have an interest in me as a friend if nothing else were to develop and he freely told me about other dates he went because we seemed to hit it off so well as at least friends so the whole thing is a bit of a mystery to me as to what happened to him. . I am getting a bit concerned that it might be something serious now that might have happened to him and there might be no way for me to ever know for sure since I dont really totally know him.

 

Anyway, I know I am getting off the subject now but i do think that loss is playing a part in my oversensitive feelings about things lately. I feel like I somehow lost a friend.

 

I am thinking I probably would not have analyzed this other mans message to me so much if it were not for that having happened this week.

 

Anyway, thanks so much for all the great thoughts here. It was so helpful!

[chumly]

It's natural to be disappointed especially when you have feelings for them. It's good you can look at yourself and be honest with your motives and feelings. Something I am still working on too. He seems happy to hear from you.

 

Thanks for saying that! and thanks for also pointing out that he was happy to hear from me. I did like at least that part and the xoxo's that he sent me too.

 

I am going to just back off of him for now anyway and just take some time to figure out how to handle my feelings for him in a better manner.

 

okay..thanks again:)

[chumly]

by the way...this man that this post was about is the one that I told was sexy the other day. I even made a post about that on here.

 

maybe I should not have said that to him because it is possible that it might have gotten to his head a bit.

 

Oh well. I am going to back off of him for now anyway..I will respond if he messages or calls me but that is about it for now. I will give him the space he needs.

 

Thanks again:)

[BaileyB]

Hi Chumly,

 

I think you need to be careful not to place your expectations on any relationship... It will only set you up for disappointment.

 

It seems that you get really invested in these online relationships. I would say, it's hard to develop a relationship online... Relationships are meant to happen in real life, so try not to get to involved with anyone until you meet them and decide that they are a good person/someone you want to see again.

[chumly]

Hi Chumly,

 

I think you need to be careful not to place your expectations on any relationship... It will only set you up for disappointment.

 

It seems that you get really invested in these online relationships. I would say, it's hard to develop a relationship online... Relationships are meant to happen in real life, so try not to get to involved with anyone until you meet them and decide that they are a good person/someone you want to see again.

 

yes, I know you are right. It seems so easy though to do that online but I know this is true. Thanks;)

[chumly]

I actually sent another message in the morning with just a simple apologize again and tell him that I wont joke with him like that again. I realized that I never did tell him that I wouldnt do it again so wanted to make sure he knew that I would be mindful of his feeling on this from now on. Anyway, he sent the following very very nice message back to me...

 

"Sweetheart,

Please don’t worry about that.

I get over the petty stuff almost instantly.

Now, if you stole my chocolate, you would have to beg on your knees and grant me 3 wishes in order to get forgiveness.

 

So, we are cool. Better than cool. We are buds waiting to bloom.

 

Be yourself. I can take it. I am vulnerable when I am depressed, but one of your hugs or kisses would cure that.

Get busy and make a plan to see me.

:-)

I need some TLC and so do you.

 

 

XOXOXOX and little xoxoxox too

R."

 

 

So I guess he is really okay with things now. I do feel much better to know that I did not offend him like I thought I did and that he is still good with me. By the way, when he talks about kisses and hugs to me he means in a friendly way..at least that is what I think he means anyway..and since we never met that is what I am going to assume he means at this point...even though I am sure I will like him for more than a friend when i meet him ..like I said, I will assume a friendly hug and kiss is how it is intended from him

 

anyway, thanks everyone for the advice. I really appreciate it.:)

[LoveFiend]

He said he is not in a good head space...that could mean anything.

 

Don't place your expectations on others. I see nothing wrong with what he wrote. Don't help people so much if you are expecting a lot in return. Help people for them, not yourself.

 

Very good response. Helping people is great as long as your not falling in the trap of feeling that person owes you and you expect things in return.

[spiderowl]

I get the feeling he is getting a bit weary of typing and messaging, probably just feeling tired. If you feel you are putting in a lot more effort than he is, I would advise backing off and letting him do the running for a while. He may be taking you for granted or just frustrated that it is an online 'relationship'. Are you intending this to develop into something else?

[chumly]

hi Spiderowl... Thanks for the response and yes, you might be right about him feeling frustrated about not having met me as of yet. He is really wanting to meet but I am in the middle of moving and stressed so I have put dating things on hold for now. I guess I feel like I am stressed enough with needing to find a new place to live and dont want to add any additional stress to my life in regards to going on stressful "job interview" style dates with someone ..where the person is scrutinizing everything I do and say. However, I would make an exception if I thought the person was more relaxed about that sort of thing and interested in at least being friends with me if all else fails but I am on the fence as to whether this man is that way or not so for now I am just chatting online with him until I could figure it all out. He should understand though because he goes through depressions himself and often does not call when he says he will and as he said in his message to me..he needs to feel mentally good to contact someone. Well, I feel that way about meeting someone and I am not mentally sure if I am ready to meet him yet. So that is kind of where I am at with him right now..he may be frustrated with me but he should also understand since he goes through feelings like that as well.

 

Anyway thanks for the input on it;)

[chumly]

well, I may have sealed my fate with this man now. Yesterday, as some on here already know, I sent out some drunken New Years greeting via email to people. I guess I was just a bit bored after drinking and wanted to have some fun.

 

Anyway, It just so happens that this man tried to call me yesterday to talk and wish me a happy new years but I was out getting drunk so after midnight I decided to send him a New Years greeting via email and I very very JOKINGLY made remarks to him about having drunken and sloppy sex..but like i said, it was all in fun.

 

However, I did not hear back from him today at all. No thankyou for the little ecard that was sent with the message or anything. Just silence!

 

I sent a similar greeting to another man that I kind of have an interest in too and he got back to me and totally laughed it off so I was hoping that this man would react in a similar way but he has not.

 

I am guessing he must not have been very impressed with my message to him in that case or maybe he just really does not like me afterall and finally has an excuse to not bother with me anymore??

 

I know if someone sent me a message like that I would think it was really funny..especially if I liked them ...so maybe the problem is that he really does not like me that much anyway.

 

Just wondering what others on here think of this?? Does it sound like he was turned off by what I did since I did not hear back from him??

 

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. thanks so much;)

Edited January 2, 2017 by chumly

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you are both too unsure of each other's interests and motives to take this further. If a guy is sounding not bothered about making the effort - and you have given him chance to meet up with you - then forget about him. Maybe he thinks you are only interested in messing him about if you haven't agreed to meet him. If he has tried to meet you but you don't get round to it, he will give up.

 

The New Year's message would have come across as odd to him if he wanted to meet you and you didn't. You are in effect saying you have no time to meet him/are too stressed to meet him, but are capable of going out, getting drunk and sending flirty messages to people, including him. How would you receive that?