Male friend tried to have sex with me

[Fuerza]

Hi guys

 

I'm a bit heart broken, mad at myself and just confused too.

 

I met up with a guy friend of mine (we kissed before but established later to just stay friends because we didn't feel a click). The more often I met up with him the more I started liking him though but I told myself I'd get over it as I am currently dating with other people.

 

Anyways, we did some shopping during the day, went out for dinner where we discussed the guy I'm dating (he was pretty curious). I wanted his perspective about this guy so at some point we discussed sex and it got pretty intimate. We both admitted that we miss the intimacy and that sucks about being single.

 

Anyways, I went to his place afterwards and that's where the misery began. It started with him cuddling me, after a few hours of just talking on the couch, and me being all kinds of confused and before I knew it we were kissing and laying half naked on top of each other.

 

I stopped it, because I do not want a FWB situation with this guy, admitted that I liked him and therefore do not want to proceed any further to protect myself. He said he didn't feel mutual about that for me but he had a suspicion about my feelings towards him. He said I thought I wanted sex because we were discussing it earlier and I admitted missing it too (I mean sure I love sex but heck it has to be with the right person).

 

I'm mad at myself and the guy too tbh, we had both established to stay friends, he knows I'm seeing other guys, he KNEW or had suspicions that I felt something towards him yet he still decides to have sex with me?

 

I've tried ignoring him before, once I established that I felt something towards him yet he kept contacting me, wanting to do fun things with me etc.

 

So how do I move forward now? Ignore him? What if he contacts me again?

[BaileyB]

If you have difficulty maintaining a healthy boundary with him (ie. You have feelings for him but he has been clear that he doesn't like you), why are you spending the day with him, discussing intimate things, and going back to him place alone?

 

If you can't be with him without maintaining an appropriate friendship, then you need to spend time with him in a group or not at all. It's as simple as that.

[thefooloftheyear]

Newsflash...Most guys who aren't gay don't hang around women or "do fun things" just to be a buddy....They are thinking that they are going to eventually get you at a weak point, drunk or you will just cave in...He obviously picked up on something you said or did(maybe talking about sex with him and being on his turf?) and he felt he had a green light...

 

Not all guys, but a large majority...not really sure why you would be confused....Its one of the many things most parents of daughters usually drill this into their heads at an early age...so they don't put themselves in a compromised position..as you were...sometimes that stuff can get ugly fast..

 

Good luck with it, about the only thing you can do now is cut ties so there is no cat and mouse game going on...You know where he stands and if thats not what you want then why continue??

 

TFY

[Fuerza]

If you have difficulty maintaining a healthy boundary with him (ie. You have feelings for him but he has been clear that he doesn't like you), why are you spending the day with him, discussing intimate things, and going back to him place alone?

 

If you can't be with him without maintaining an appropriate friendship, then you need to spend time with him in a group or not at all. It's as simple as that.

 

Because at first I didn't like him, there was no connection. But since the last 2 meet ups I've grown fond of him. And because we were in the friendzone I didn't see the harm to discuss intimate things.

 

But I agree. I honestly didn't think he was going to try to kiss me, he said he's seeing someone too. So I really wasn't suspicious or whatever when I went to his place. I have other male friends that I visit regularly that have never tried to kiss me lol, might have to stop visiting them too just in case

[Dashottcalla]

There's only one way to move forward and that's to cut ties.. He clearly wants more than just friends and is not okay with settling.. So it doesn't matter your current situation, I'm pretty sure you can tell him that you have a boyfriend and he will still try to see how far he can get with you, as most guys will.. This is totally on you though, if you just want friends with a guy don't go to his house or be talking about sex with him.. I will say though that it sounds like a part of you wants or feeds off of that tension..

[Fuerza]

There's only one way to move forward and that's to cut ties.. He clearly wants more than just friends and is not okay with settling.. So it doesn't matter your current situation, I'm pretty sure you can tell him that you have a boyfriend and he will still try to see how far he can get with you, as most guys will.. This is totally on you though, if you just want friends with a guy don't go to his house or be talking about sex with him.. I will say though that it sounds like a part of you wants or feeds off of that tension..

 

What do you mean?

[Redhead14]

Hi guys

 

I'm a bit heart broken, mad at myself and just confused too.

 

I met up with a guy friend of mine (we kissed before but established later to just stay friends because we didn't feel a click). The more often I met up with him the more I started liking him though but I told myself I'd get over it as I am currently dating with other people.

 

Anyways, we did some shopping during the day, went out for dinner where we discussed the guy I'm dating (he was pretty curious). I wanted his perspective about this guy so at some point we discussed sex and it got pretty intimate. We both admitted that we miss the intimacy and that sucks about being single.

 

Anyways, I went to his place afterwards and that's where the misery began. It started with him cuddling me, after a few hours of just talking on the couch, and me being all kinds of confused and before I knew it we were kissing and laying half naked on top of each other.

 

I stopped it, because I do not want a FWB situation with this guy, admitted that I liked him and therefore do not want to proceed any further to protect myself. He said he didn't feel mutual about that for me but he had a suspicion about my feelings towards him. He said I thought I wanted sex because we were discussing it earlier and I admitted missing it too (I mean sure I love sex but heck it has to be with the right person).

 

I'm mad at myself and the guy too tbh, we had both established to stay friends, he knows I'm seeing other guys, he KNEW or had suspicions that I felt something towards him yet he still decides to have sex with me?

 

I've tried ignoring him before, once I established that I felt something towards him yet he kept contacting me, wanting to do fun things with me etc.

 

So how do I move forward now? Ignore him? What if he contacts me again?

 

It started with him cuddling me, after a few hours of just talking on the couch-- A couple of hours of cuddling is a "long start". Are you in the habit of cuddling with friends? That is where you let the boundary start breaking down and sending a mixed message.

 

and before I knew it we were kissing and laying half naked on top of each other. -- Are you implying that he tore your clothes off and forced you? Or were you kissing him back?

 

I've tried ignoring him before, once I established that I felt something -- So stop "trying" to ignore him and do it especially now that neither one of you is able to control yourselves and not cross the friendship boundary.

 

If you're implying that he did something wrong, you need to own your role in this. And, no you should not stop hanging out with other male friends because you think they might do the same thing. That's not fair to you or them. But, I wouldn't cuddle with them for two hours either.

[Dashottcalla]

From what you said it sounds like there's a part of you, maybe subconsciously, that wants what he wants.. You put yourself in a perfect position for him to do exactly what he did.. Alone at his house, cuddling, making out and even removing clothing.. If being strictly friends was something that you were firm about it wouldn't have even got to the cuddling part in my opinion..

[Dashottcalla]

And I may just be coming from a overly male perspective but I don't bring females that are "just friends" to my house with no specific stated agenda, especially if we've already spent the day eating and talking.. What does else does that leave for me to want to do? You get me?

[Fuerza]

It started with him cuddling me, after a few hours of just talking on the couch-- A couple of hours of cuddling is a "long start". Are you in the habit of cuddling with friends? That is where you let the boundary start breaking down and sending a mixed message.

 

and before I knew it we were kissing and laying half naked on top of each other. -- Are you implying that he tore your clothes off and forced you? Or were you kissing him back?

 

I've tried ignoring him before, once I established that I felt something -- So stop "trying" to ignore him and do it especially now that neither one of you is able to control yourselves and not cross the friendship boundary.

 

If you're implying that he did something wrong, you need to own your role in this. And, no you should not stop hanging out with other male friends because you think they might do the same thing. That's not fair to you or them. But, I wouldn't cuddle with them for two hours either.

 

No you misread what I said. We were talking for hours (good distance between us I made sure lol), not cuddling for hours. After a while he pulled me towards him for a cuddle and then kissed me. I thought he liked me too and that's why he went in for a cuddle. Until he went further and that's when I realized it was just for the sex.

 

I'm not implying anything, I think we've already established that I'm mad at myself for letting it go so far.

[Fuerza]

And I may just be coming from a overly male perspective but I don't bring females that are "just friends" to my house with no specific stated agenda, especially if we've already spent the day eating and talking.. What does else does that leave for me to want to do? You get me?

 

Good point I'm not that experienced with dating (clearly) so I didn't see the harm. Lesson learned.

[DKT3]

I'm confused, your mad at him because he basically took your lead and attempted sex or that he doesn't view you as girlfriend material?

 

Let's be honest, a person dating several people and crushing on another doesn't scream this is my life partner.

[Fuerza]

I'm confused, your mad at him because he basically took your lead and attempted sex or that he doesn't view you as girlfriend material?

 

Let's be honest, a person dating several people and crushing on another doesn't scream this is my life partner.

 

Whoa, no reason to be rude damn. I'm already pissed and hurt, I do not need another person pushing me downwards even more.

 

And there was no "lead" that I gave him to start kissing me or thinking that I wanted sex with him. We discussed sex as mature grown up adults, a discussion about sex should not in the end lead towards sex.

[Dashottcalla]

Good point I'm not that experienced with dating (clearly) so I didn't see the harm. Lesson learned.

 

Well that's the point of it all.. You live and you learn then apply that knowledge.. I will say though from what you wrote it seems like you allow others dictate the flow of things.. Not saying that's totally bad, but if you know what you want don't let anyone else compromise that.. Always be firm about your wants and needs, that goes a long way as far as respect is concerned..

[DKT3]

Whoa, no reason to be rude damn. I'm already pissed and hurt, I do not need another person pushing me downwards even more.

 

And there was no "lead" that I gave him to start kissing me or thinking that I wanted sex with him. We discussed sex as mature grown up adults, a discussion about sex should not in the end lead towards sex.

 

Not being rude, just pointing out as I would to my daughter that certain actions make one less desirable as a partner.

 

The impression I'm getting is you want a reaction from this guy your not getting it and your upset with him for that.

 

My question was valid, not one you need to answer here but to yourself, what are you really upset about? His attempting sex or not returning the feelings?

[Fuerza]

Well that's the point of it all.. You live and you learn then apply that knowledge.. I will say though from what you wrote it seems like you allow others dictate the flow of things.. Not saying that's totally bad, but if you know what you want don't let anyone else compromise that.. Always be firm about your wants and needs, that goes a long way as far as respect is concerned..

 

You're right about that but that has a lot to do with the way I was raised. It has gotten better though, the old me wouldn't have been brave enough to say "no" in this situation. So I'm proud of myself for at least saying that I guess.

 

But yes definitely something I still need to work on

[JoeSmith357-1]

Newsflash...Most guys who aren't gay don't hang around women or "do fun things" just to be a buddy....They are thinking that they are going to eventually get you at a weak point, drunk or you will just cave in...He obviously picked up on something you said or did(maybe talking about sex with him and being on his turf?) and he felt he had a green light...

 

Not all guys, but a large majority...not really sure why you would be confused...

 

Exactly this...

 

Newsflash to all women

 

There is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a (non-gay) guy and a girl.

 

He's just waiting for the chance to bang you

 

End of story. Please stop with the naivety. If he's chatting with you, he's planting the seeds for an EA, which he is hoping leads to him banging you.

 

He's also doing it to other women at the same time.

 

Not understanding why you are heartbroken or surprised about the fact that he was trying to get in your pants. It's what heterosexual guys do

[Dashottcalla]

You're right about that but that has a lot to do with the way I was raised. It has gotten better though, the old me wouldn't have been brave enough to say "no" in this situation. So I'm proud of myself for at least saying that I guess.

 

But yes definitely something I still need to work on

 

I'm proud of you too and I wish you luck on your journey.. But believe me, you will never lose out by being direct and firm about your wants and needs.. Being respected is always better than going with someone else's flow..

[umirano]

Exactly this...

 

Newsflash to all women

 

There is no such thing as a platonic relationship between a (non-gay) guy and a girl.

 

He's just waiting for the chance to bang you

 

End of story. Please stop with the naivety. If he's chatting with you, he's planting the seeds for an EA, which he is hoping leads to him banging you.

 

I am a guy. I do not agree with this post.

[Dashottcalla]

I am a guy. I do not agree with this post.

 

I don't fully agree with it either.. There are some who are interested in just strictly friends, but I believe that number is far outweighed by the guys who have ulterior motives..

 

I always half jokingly tell my female friends this: Ask you "friend" if he would want to have sex with you, his answer will prove whether he's truly a friend or not..

[Shining One]

I always half jokingly tell my female friends this: Ask you "friend" if he would want to have sex with you, his answer will prove whether he's truly a friend or not..

Flawed reasoning. I can want to have sex AND want to be friends with a woman. They are not mutually exclusive.

[bachdude]

Be kind to yourself OP. Would you beat up a friend if she did this? You said you have been missing intimacy and things got a little out of hand. You sound like a nice and decent person with values and standards. We're all doing our best but we all fail too. Again, extend some friendship and kindness to yourself. It's cool.

Edited December 10, 2016 by bachdude

[Dashottcalla]

Flawed reasoning. I can want to have sex AND want to be friends with a woman. They are not mutually exclusive.

 

In my opinion that wouldn't be a true friendship, I have no want to be sexually active with any of my female friends.. The guy she described is an opportunist.. Using friendship as a guise to get his foot in the door

[lana-banana]

Is this the same guy you were posting about earlier---the one you wanted a sleepover with and were hoping he'd fall for you? I am sorry you had to learn the hard way that that's not how it works. He is willing to have sex with you but has no romantic feelings for you and doesn't view you as a potential girlfriend. There is nothing you can do to change that. If you aren't satisfied with this, and it's clear that you're not, you need to walk away for your own sake. Focus on developing relationships with people who want to date you.

[salparadise]

Two things to think about-

 

1) three million years of evolution as fully human, and probably fifty million years before that as primates have instilled a strong biological predisposition in both sexes to do the deed, regardless of any conscious strategies you have convinced yourself that you are employing. Biology underlies them too. Thinking that you were not fifty percent of the circumstances that led to a nearly successful copulation is naive to the extreme.

 

2) the word "friends" used in the context of two otherwise well-matched, opposite sex hominids prepared to tango amounts to transmutation of the language. You two are doing the dance whether you realize it or not. You're trying to get a promise of what he has to offer prior to giving him sex, and he's trying to get sex without familial investment or putting any freshly killed meat on the table.

 

I think your parents must've left out a passage or two in the birds and bees talk... men will attempt to have sex with women without making an investment, much to the surprise and dismay of some women. Some women are good with that. You should google asymmetrical mating strategies and read some articles by David Buss.