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What are the rules with FWB?


TheWhittler

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I have never really thought about it much but am now in a situation where I could do with a bit of... "physical".

 

There is a guy I am interested in but he isn't in a place to date. I am not overly bothered by this and think I could do the whole FWB with him but I also have my doubts as it always seems to end badly for others?

 

Are there any "rules" to keep it sensible?

 

Thank you for your help.

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Yea, the first rule is don't catch feelings. That's the one that causes problems. If you already like the guy but are considering FWB as a compromise because "he isn't in a place to date" (in other words, married), you're going to end up with a big old mess and a broken heart. Date someone who is available.

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I started my reply with a heap of mumbo jumbo but it was too convoluted so I've started again.

 

I don't think there are any rules with FWB relationships except communication, thorough and never ending. Don't ever assume that a deal struck weeks or months or years ago still holds true today - revisit and rehash, continuously, where you both are at emotionally so there is no misunderstanding.

 

In many ways, FWB relationships are almost always doomed to fail, and they fail so spectacularly because, so often, at the end, a friend is lost. The loss comes about because someone ends up feeling rejected. The FWB thing continues until someone either finds a 'real' relationship, or someone find that the FWB relationship itself is causing them feelings that make them want to pursue something more traditional with the F.

 

In my view, FWB's are friends first. If the potential partner is not a friend, but simply a fyke buddy then imho what we really have there is a booty-call. Quite a different animal.

 

On the face of it, why shouldn't two consenting adults who are great friends also engage in adult activities like sex? Conceptually, I can't think of any logical reasons why not. Unfortunately (?) we're emotional beings, much less than logical ones.

 

So, if there are any guidelines, I guess for mine those would be: honesty. Don't slip into relationship language that will throw off the course of an otherwise fulfilling FWB coupling. Be on the lookout for jealousy, either in yourself or in your F. Continue to talk about other relationships you might have had or are having, as you doubtless would have done with the F before things got physical - this will reinforce the reality that you're not exclusive and that the FWB relationship is just that, F with B.

 

If the dynamic changes, in yourself or the F, then stop the sex. Have a definable pause and re-evaluate.

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I don't want to date him. He has a whole heap of stuff going on that means he is not in a good place mentally to date. I don't want that.

 

I also don't want to lose what we have. We chat every day about normal stuff that folks chat about. I wouldn't miss him if it stopped but I would like to keep that friendly chatter going.

 

Its also awkward as we both need to have some sort of "connection" in order to feel attraction towards others. When we decided to be friends he said he didn't feel that "spark". Which is fine because I didn't either. So I don't know if I should do this. I think it might get messy. I do also want to date others and do not want a suitable match to be put off because I have a bit of fluff on the side.

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I met my ex while my FWB and I were still talking (but not having sex). There was overlap. And a very simple solution—I just never mentioned it to my ex.

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I'm a bit confused about something, though. You say there's no spark of attraction, but then how are you all gonna sleep with each other? Usually FWB happens when two people are very attracted to each other, but find something in the other that's not relationship material.

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He is good looking, tall, fun... there is attraction there, just not mega sparks or sizzles. More of a "worth a second look" but not worth checking your make up over.

 

Why don't I want to date him? He has a heap of "family mess" he is dealing with and is also absolutely rubbish with money. I am not the greatest with finances but he is really bad despite earning a good wage. I couldn't deal with that in a relationship as I like security. It is a deal breaker for me. Plain and simple. I don't want to get close to that.

 

As romantic prospects go he is not on the list.

 

As friendship goes I enjoy chatting to him. He is easy going, thoughtful, fun and I am sure would be great for someone else but not for me. That is the only bit I do feel clear about.

 

I am starting to think this is not for me. Nice suggestion and perhaps I can put it on the back burner just in case. It flatters the ego and all that but its just not what I want long term.

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My rule is friends first and friends only. No different than any other casual friend. Not up in each others business, no expectations, no emotional investment beyond friendship. They could disappear tomorrow and that's OK.

 

That's why I don't do FWB. For some folks that's possible and works. Others not. Me not. Knowing one's limitations is healthy, even if some pleasures of the flesh are foregone.

 

IMO, if you can do casual sex like anonymous lovers, ONS and the like, FWB could work for you and probably will. My exW called it sport-effing and she was wired for it, as well as for being married. I was more limited. You'll find your own path. Good luck!

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I have had a few FWB over the years and tend to enjoy this sort of arrangement. For me, they have always worked out well - and here were my basic guidelines:

 

Be able to compartmentalize. Sex is only sex, and keep the relationship to essentially sex.

 

We were never "friends" no daily banter, no real depth to the relationship. I would call it a "one dimensional" relationship. If there was daily talk - it was about sex. Not our day to day, or problems or any of that.

 

He was always someone I didn't want to date. Usually because I knew I couldn't connect with them on an emotional level. I am a little worried your reasons for not dating him are of the mind, and not the heart. Add some sex hormones to the mix, you may end up feeling differently.

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Ok, first rule of FWB is to not talk about FWB (Uh, think of the "Fight Club" movie where rules were being laid out...):laugh:

 

Joking aside, I believe that you and the person who you plan to FWB with frankly discuss your needs, expectations, and understanding of what the FWB will be.

 

My last FWB? It was almost like part-time dating. He'd bring me flowers, slept over, he always wanted to fix things (he even wanted to build an organizer for my closet). We'd go out for movies, dinner, shopping. He informally met my family. But at the end of the day he was married and yes, couldn't stand when he'd talk about her and I was super pissed when upon divorcing her he didn't wanna be with me (well, he did say he didn't wanna be with anyone and coming out of a decade of marriage - makes sense).

 

Now, I've tried FWBs with guys who want to treat you like an unpaid hooker. You never hear from them.

 

That's why I'm stepping away from FWBs. You still end up losing more than you gain and they are short lived.

 

I was talking to dude recently and I don't know. While I don't want the whole white picket fence and kids, I don't wanna be treated like meat either and I like him so far. I don't wanna mess up this by starting off on the wrong foot.

 

I'm looking for company without sleeping around and am finding out FWBs aren't gonna get me that.

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Rules....

 

Rule #1 - very few rules. We each agree to abide by the following:

Rule #2 - it isn't cheating if you're with me (+ = this will give you some longevity and continuity; - = a lot of people will frown upon this because it really is cheating)

Rule #3 - In the event I begin to feel romantic emotion or jealousy for you, I'll disclose this so you know what's going on, and I'm out without hesitation or ill will.

Rule #4 - We're friends as well as benefits. We should do stuff other than ****, OR We're not really friends, just benefits. We're in it for the sex only.

Rule #5 - Never just show up. Give me at least ________ notice. I can say no, and you won't sulk or get offended. It just means it's not convenient for me.

Rule #6 - Don't assume you're the only one I've made this arrangement with.

 

That's how I worked it, and it worked really good, with a few of them spanning years and overlapping.

 

I don't know many people who can do this. I think the trick to staying unemotional is to have a full and robust dating life in addition to having the FWB. I believe this is where a lot of people mess up. Having nobody else means at least one of you will get confused about what you're doing.

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Largolagg,

 

Good list. I don't understand #2, but otherwise good - particularly #6

 

 

RecentChange,

 

Be able to compartmentalize. Sex is only sex, and keep the relationship to essentially sex.

 

I don't think this is a true FWB arrangement if its only sex. I'm not trying to be the language police here, but a sex only arrangement is surely what most of us would understand to be a booty-call? Yes? You ring each other because you're horny, but there is little to nothing going on outside of the bedroom.

 

Booty-calls are easier to manage because they are so one dimensional. FWB's on the other hand are friends, and if you care about your friend, even a bit, then you're likely to be affected by how they feel - and you'd want, as the OP suggests, to continue the friendship even if there was no sex any longer.

 

This last is the hardest thing to manage - I've never been able to do it. The FWB thing ends and, unfortunately for me, the friendship also ends at that point ... and its a real heartfelt loss on my behalf.

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Be the vessel or the prod.

 

Reminds me of a crass joke....

A gal is being called upon for a booty call...

Later that night she tells her friend what a well mannered man he was...

She says...how so? He said please f'n leave.

 

Gals will concentrate on "he said 'please'

The guy concentrated on the f'n leave...

And that's in a nutshell Fwb rule 101.

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Largolagg,

 

Good list. I don't understand #2, but otherwise good - particularly #6

Thanks.

 

#2 simply means that even if one or both of us are in an exclusive relationship, don't be afraid to get together. You're always welcome until you're not. Our relationship transcends the others we may have.

 

Not everybody likes that. In fact, most people don't, but it was true. My relationships with FWBs, one in particular, lasted much longer than any of the others, except for when each of us got married.

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Thanks.

 

#2 simply means that even if one or both of us are in an exclusive relationship, don't be afraid to get together. You're always welcome until you're not. Our relationship transcends the others we may have.

 

Not everybody likes that. In fact, most people don't, but it was true. My relationships with FWBs, one in particular, lasted much longer than any of the others, except for when each of us got married.

 

Am I being thick? I thought the term exclusive means that you are exclusive to that one person... Not that person and a FWB on the side?

 

How can a FWB arrangement be more important than a relationship?

 

Confused here.

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Am I being thick? I thought the term exclusive means that you are exclusive to that one person... Not that person and a FWB on the side?

 

How can a FWB arrangement be more important than a relationship?

 

Confused here.

 

That is why FWBs tend to ultimately fail as the rules, lines and boundaries are so fuzzy that the participants often confuse themselves, and for some that means they get very hurt. Mixing friendship and sex is hard to do.

 

Assumptions abound, as many people are not too happy clearly stating boundaries and setting down rules and saying how they want it to work. They tend to just fall into it and assume both are on the same page or dare I say it, one knows exactly how it is going to work and cons the other into agreeing to it...

 

Emotions get involved too, even if it not about love, it may be jealousy or possessiveness, or the need to control or the need for attention.

 

Many men (generally) love the idea of a FWB (sex on tap but without the hassle of a relationship) - it suits them, but women (generally) tend not to be so comfortable in the role of booty call/fb/escort/free prostitute which is what a fwb relationship can eventually boil down to...

Also some men often see exclusiveness as being something the woman needs to observe, ie she is exclusive to him and him alone and she is not seeing other guys, but he can see and sleep with who he likes had have as many FWBs, casual acquaintances or NSA encounters as he wants.

Many women see his "jealousy" as a sign he cares, but that is often not the case, all he wants is a NSA sex with a woman who is not putting it about with other guys...

He wants to be number one in her world, without the need to make her number one in his.

 

A FWB can work, but emotions and expectations usually get involved somewhere and then it gets very messy.

Real friendships can be totally lost in the pursuit of "just sex", and that is a shame.

I also have a hunch that many FWB arrangements are proposed and agreed to, by people who already have some "feelings", (though they may deny vehemently when asked), so the "arrangement for sex" is often an accident waiting to happen from the start.

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oldbutcurious
Rules....

 

Rule #1 - very few rules. We each agree to abide by the following:

Rule #2 - it isn't cheating if you're with me (+ = this will give you some longevity and continuity; - = a lot of people will frown upon this because it really is cheating)

Rule #3 - In the event I begin to feel romantic emotion or jealousy for you, I'll disclose this so you know what's going on, and I'm out without hesitation or ill will.

Rule #4 - We're friends as well as benefits. We should do stuff other than ****, OR We're not really friends, just benefits. We're in it for the sex only.

Rule #5 - Never just show up. Give me at least ________ notice. I can say no, and you won't sulk or get offended. It just means it's not convenient for me.

Rule #6 - Don't assume you're the only one I've made this arrangement with.

 

That's how I worked it, and it worked really good, with a few of them spanning years and overlapping.

 

I don't know many people who can do this. I think the trick to staying unemotional is to have a full and robust dating life in addition to having the FWB. I believe this is where a lot of people mess up. Having nobody else means at least one of you will get confused about what you're doing.

 

carhill said it best - its like unpaid sex work. or maybe, it works with males, mostly.

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I have decided to not go ahead.

 

1. It all seems just too messy

2. I do not want a relationship with him and think that if I did this it may put off other men that I might want a relationship with

3. I just can't reconcile it in my head and it doesn't "feel" right.

 

I have decided to just let the subject go and leave things as they are. I shall divert conversation away if it comes up and just carry on as normal.

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Am I being thick? I thought the term exclusive means that you are exclusive to that one person... Not that person and a FWB on the side?

 

How can a FWB arrangement be more important than a relationship?

 

Confused here.

No, I don't think you're being thick. I'd just throw you in the camp of people who don't like it.

 

I see a later post where you've decided that having a FWB isn't for you. That's probably a wise decision. Not everybody can do this, and most who try set themselves up for failure. Either it interferes with their search for a real relationship, or they become attached or they waffle back and forth, not really understanding what the relationship is.

 

I think you're wise to know yourself that well, and to do what's right for you.

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Thanks.

 

#2 simply means that even if one or both of us are in an exclusive relationship, don't be afraid to get together. You're always welcome until you're not. Our relationship transcends the others we may have.

 

Not everybody likes that. In fact, most people don't, but it was true. My relationships with FWBs, one in particular, lasted much longer than any of the others, except for when each of us got married.

 

Right, got it - thanks for expanding.

 

I actually think this is quite a mature outlook. For those on the fence about this the particularly important bit is:

 

You're always welcome until you're not.

 

Theres no entitlement, but if you're both in the same place, mentally, physically, then sex isn't off the table ... until it is.

 

Its obvious that one or both of you need to elucidate when the arrangement is no longer valid.

 

Its an expansion into the physical of an otherwise 'normal' friendship when you think about it - friends, good friends, will last through and post other relationships you have.

 

If you're exclusive with a new partner, meaning no other sexual dalliances, then you simply need tell your FWB that this is the case, and in the perfect world your FWB accepts this and remains friends.

 

Its a difficult path to take, no doubt about it but I can't see why this can't work ... at least conceptually.

 

In the real world though, feelings are not logical in nature, not at all. My last FWB -was- jealous. We had a conversation and I told her where I was at, which, by her words, she accepted, but, in reality, she didn't and pursued me for a relationship regardless.

 

My mistake was to take her words at face value and, when the next opportunity for physical activities presented, initiated by her, I assumed that because of the 'talk' we'd had she was on the same page as me ... wrong!

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carhill said it best - its like unpaid sex work. or maybe, it works with males, mostly.

 

I don't think this is true at all. As someone who has had FWB's -and- sees escorts, there is a world of difference between the two. Even a traditional booty-call and prostitution is completely different. Yes, all wind up in bed, even LTR's, but the approach you take to get there is absolutely a different road.

 

A booty-call, at least in my experience, provides for mutual satisfaction, you both agree to the sex because its mutually satisfying. Escorts rarely if ever find themselves in this particular game - its all about the money, thats where the gratification comes from ... start and finish...

 

As for it mostly working for males - is that really the case? I am not overlooking the word 'most' in there. Are most of the female FWB's and booty-calls actually harbouring an unrequited love of sorts? I'm really not convinced.

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I've tried this a few times, and no matter how air tight the agreement and rules, it always ends up failing miserably!

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In a way, it's a lot like a marriage. Both people have to be compatible, of the same mind, and committed to the nature of the relationship. They're both difficult in their own way, but FWB is a lot easier to get out of.

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Things are getting a bit "steamy" and I don't think I am handling this very well.

 

We spoke last night and thank God I was out with mother or I think I would have got myself into trouble. To say I was a bit "frothy" over him is an understatement.

 

I now can't stop thinking about him and what it would be like. I really thought I would be OK with this but its not going that way. I can't get the thought of him running round in a rubber donkey mask and nothing else out of my head and I am not going to explain where that idea came from nor why I am thinking it, nor what happens next in that little idea that is going round in my brain.

 

To make matters worse I have been continuing to date and see other men. Lovely, wonderful men but sadly no spark with them.

 

I am literally finding myself throbbing for this guy. I am really struggling to keep it platonic.

 

Help!

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