Afraid I'm in love, don't know how to cope

[Vicky876]

Hi there, I'm a bit in confusion here. :-/ I am seeing a guy off and on and everytime I see him I get butterflies in my stomach.

 

I try to ignore him and act cool when he's around, but there's a chemistry and we seem to be 'pulled' to eachother eventually. We bump into eachother at least once a month. We've kissed and things happened, but only under the influence of alcohol. When we're together it's fun and it feels natural. But 'the day after' I freak out a bit and I have a gutfeeling he does too. So we barely have contact untill we bump into eachother again.

 

I think about it a lot and don't know what to do. I tried - it needed a lot of courage - to ask him to have a drink together upon which he replied enthousiastically, but when I asked him where we'd meet he didn't respond anymore (this was 5 months ago). So then I went back to ignoring him again, even when we bumped into eachother later. But 3 weeks ago the contact was more than usual, he asked if I was going to an event and he was there too, but in crowded areas we're both not comfortable.

 

From a friend I hear that he asks about me, he even told me he talked about me with his dad. A friend of him told me he's a bit intimidaties / impressed by me. You see, he's 24, I'm 29. I don't believe he ever had a serieus relationship or knows how to handle this. But I have no clue about flirting or letting him know I'd like to see more of him. So each time I just hope to bump into him - hmpf -, of course that only happens when we're both out and about with friends.

 

He asked me why I never say hello when we see eachother.

 

Last week we met we kissed and slept together. Later he even gave me a - slightly awkward - kiss in a bar (a public location!). I apped him to meet up later that evening to which he did not respond untill the next evening that he was already home and asleep. We haven't heard from eachother since then.

 

Sooo now, again, I'm hoping to just bump into him again soon. It's hugely frustrating, also because I realise I like him. The feeling panics me a bit, so I tend to push it - and thus him - away. What can I do? Should I act upon it? Or wait for coincidence again? Really hope someone can give me advice on this!

[travelbug1996]

He's ok with seeing you whenever you just bump into each other. I don't think you're in love. Sounds more like infatuation since you haven't spent enough time to really get to know him.

 

Let him come to you. You're letting your heart get away from you and it sounds like just sex for him.

[preraph]

Girl, you're just nervous. You're in love with love, yes. But you don't know him yet, so keep it in your pants. Well, that's the wrong phrase, but it's all I've got. Just don't let yourself get obsessed and overthink this. He has already noticed you're acting weird. Try to just relax and enjoy time with him and not worry about the details. Remember, you're both single and may date around.

[Vicky876]

Thanks so much for your responses. I feel like a complete idiot around him. I should have known better. I get confused by infatuation and being in love a lot. I wonder whether I even know what being in love is, considering most of the times I fall nearly head over heals for unavailable guys like this one. Lawd, I made such a fool out of myself... I hate myself for it. What must he think??

 

I know guys that are extremely lovable and kind and conversations are much les awkward, but I just don't feel as attracted to them. They even frighten me a bit. I know it has a lot to do with my insecurities and even believe I'm not that emotionally available myself. On the other hand I'm a full blown romantic, making WAY more out of nothing. It makes me feel so alone. Maybe I just.. I don't know, think I'm better off with rejection or something.

 

How can I be alone and happy? Now I'm alone, pretending to be happy and falling for guys that are actually not my types. I just don't know anymore how to put this in perspective and find a way to fix this weird crunch in my head.

[preraph]

It is not always easy to slow yourself down, but that is what you need to do. Being ready to just fall in love with someone you don't even really know looks like desperation and guys pick up on it and will think you do that all the time and have no restraint!! So just try to slow yourself down. You are just romantic and in love with some ideal guy in your head that you then try to project on to whoever you're attracted to, but the longer you know them, the more you will realize the ideal guy in your head does not exist.

[spiderowl]

If he is not making an effort to get in touch with you, I'd let this one lie. It's just not worth you getting stressed about a guy who is being lukewarm. You kissed and slept with him recently - he should be in touch! If a guy left it this long to contact me after we were intimate, I would be decidedly cool and uninterested. No point getting involved in anything where the guy leaves you wondering what is going on. He is likely to continue as he started.

[Vicky876]

Thanks again Slowing down and letting this one lie. My mind sometimes finds it ways to trick me into thinking the better and avoiding the obvious.

 

I was thinking about it this weekend and realised something I should have realised before. From a mutual friend I heard this guy doesn't mind doing drugs occassionally and it suddenly hit me: everytime he was boastful, selfsecure and making contact with me, putting his arms around me, etc. he was on cocaine! We meet everytime we're out and he freaks out as soon as he's sober.

 

It's quite disturbing and can't believe I haven't linked the two before. It was ALL fake! I'M SO NAIVE.

 

Thing is, the first time something happened, I was quite impressed by his attitude towards me. I have quite a busy life and social network and some guys have the tendency to put me on a pedestal, while I much rather want to feel safe, seen for who I am, not merely for what I do, someone who can sometimes push me back into place, help me relax and be more adventurous. This guy back then appeared like that, but it was drugs. What a douche.

 

YUK.

 

Thanks so much again, you helped me rethink it and put it in perspective.

[victoria88]

Hi there, I'm a bit in confusion here. :-/ I am seeing a guy off and on and everytime I see him I get butterflies in my stomach.

 

I try to ignore him and act cool when he's around, but there's a chemistry and we seem to be 'pulled' to eachother eventually. We bump into eachother at least once a month.

 

I think about it a lot and don't know what to do. I tried - it needed a lot of courage - to ask him to have a drink together upon which he replied enthousiastically, but when I asked him where we'd meet he didn't respond anymore (this was 5 months ago).

 

It's hugely frustrating, also because I realise I like him.

 

First a few comments:

It sounds like you have a crush on him. He acts in a weird way. Someone gave you advice to try to know him more. I think this is the best way.

 

I completely understand what you mean like feeling butterlfies in your stomach (I have the same feeling when I see someone I am in love with: I would rather describe it as embarassment and feeling my heat beat very quickly and well I cannot talk much, I am rather hoping that he would come to say something. I suggested a lunch together and he said he had a girlfriend. After this moment I am happy to see him however I do not know what to do...since he has a girlfriend).

 

Second I would add a question here: Do you think it is appropriate to ask a man in a relationship, if he would think about having a relationship with me?

In other words, how to ask him wether he wants to be with me after he informed me he had a girlfriend? What approach should I have?

 

He is extremely kind (+handsome,friendly, sexy and cool) but I am extremely shy. We are like the night and the day (the opposite): he seems so confident in himself (I love this) and in the same time I am not so confident.

The questions I am wondering all the time: 1) Does he like me? ( I guess I would be less stressed if I knew what he feels/does not feel).

2) What kind of person is he? 3) Is he in love with me (the way I am in love with him) or not at all?

4) If I ask him about an eventual relationship with me, will he cut me off (like he did with the lunch suggestion)?

__________________________________________________________

Sometime I think I am just not experienced enough to take it easy (perhaps I should be more confident in me)...

 

Any advice about this situation?

 

Thanks.

[preraph]

You need to set your sights higher. He hasn't even taken you out on a date, just wham, bam and then did the disappearing act. If he was really interested, he wouldn't have blown you off before when you asked him out AND he would have asked you on a date, not just taken the first opportunity to sleep with you.