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What are women thinking when they get in to a FWB with an ex-boyfriend?

We were together for a little over two years and broke up almost 3 months ago. After the breakup we rarely spoke to each other and then about 3 weeks ago she wanted to get in a FWB situation. Last weekend we spent the night together with her cuddling and all touchy feely but when I'm not around her she gets a little distant but at the same time is also making plans for getting together and spending nights together.

What goes through a womens mind for this to happen? Is she just confused about what she really wants?

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I am not sure it is that hard...

 

Some of what you asked may be possible.

 

But most likely, she does not see you are "Real" relationship material. But, you are good enough in the sack that she likes screwing you. So when she needs to get laid, she calls you.

 

If you still have "love" feelings for her and it is hurting you emotionally and damaging you to sleep with her, then stop.

 

If you enjoy the sex and don't mind being used for sex just enjoy yourself. For me, I am quite happy to be used for sex by women. In fact, those woman are some of my favorites. No emotional stuff or a lot of care and feeding just great sex.

 

Seems like a Win/Win to me...

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Usually FWB don't have dates, hold hands while together, spend the night together and give you casual kisses just for the sake of giving you a kiss. Or do they?

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I have had a lot of women where we would kind of date and we were affectionate with each other even when we were not in bed together.

 

So do, some don't. I have had them the other way as well. Come over, have a drink, have sex, leave.

 

There are no hard and fast rules as far as I know. Except, hopefully, no drama.

 

The question is do you have loving feelings for her and does being her FWB hurt you emotionally. If it does, then stop it. If not, have fun.

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I hear what your saying but this isn't some random girl, we were together for a couple of years so she must have some residual feelings or why else would she act like we are together when we see each other and then act all distant when we are not together. She confided in me the other day that when I'm not around she she doesn't want me to be around but when we are together she wants me around all the time.

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So what you are saying is that you do have strong feelings for her.

 

 

OK. So the question really is, "Can this restart the relationship". Answer is who knows. It depends on many things.

  • Why did you break up?
  • Are/have you been dating other people?
  • Has she been dating other people?
  • Does she just want to be single?
  • Were you/or her too clingy and needy?
  • What were her reasons for not wanting to be with you? (Not the necessarily the same as why you broke up?

When you answer these questions you may have an idea of your chances, and you have to be honest with yourself.

 

For example, if you were immature, have a crappy job, controlling, uneducated or whatever, and those were some of the reasons she does not want to be in a relationship with you, then fix them.

 

But do it for you because you know it is what you need to do, not just because you want a full time relationship with her.

 

And here is the deal. If she is at a point in her life where she wants to get laid by a variety of guys, then you need to realize that.

 

And you need to realize that she may never want you for a full time relationship.

 

Does that help sort it out at all?

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I hear what your saying but this isn't some random girl, we were together for a couple of years so she must have some residual feelings or why else would she act like we are together when we see each other and then act all distant when we are not together. She confided in me the other day that when I'm not around she she doesn't want me to be around but when we are together she wants me around all the time.
I hope you'll forgive the intrusion, but when I read this, I thought back to my early single days.

 

What BluesPower is saying is exactly right. Some FWB's are the kind where you go over to their house, do the deed, and leave. Those are a real find. There are others who want to go out, have a great time, they'll kiss you in public, hold your hand while you stroll and make you feel like you're with your girlfriend, both while you're out and when you get back home. They'll spend the entire night with you and bang you again in the morning, quite enthusiastically. They'll cuddle and do all the rest of it until they leave. Then you won't see her for a while. Those are a real find too, but it's easy to get confused.

 

Maybe she does it this way so she doesn't have to think of herself as the first kind of FWB I described. Maybe you're one of her boyfriends, but not THE boyfriend. It happens.

 

Here's what you need to understand. Clearly, this girl likes you. The only question is HOW MUCH? If you play your cards right, you'll probably be able to keep her around for years, whether or not you have other girlfriends, and whether or not she has other boyfriends. The beauty of someone like this is that she gives you perspective when you date other women. You won't fall for others nearly as fast, and you'll become more choosy, which is a good thing. This relationship can actually be good for you.

 

The danger is that you'll develop or rekindle feelings that will eventually lead you to rejection. This?:

 

She confided in me the other day that when I'm not around she she doesn't want me to be around but when we are together she wants me around all the time.

 

I'd suggest you take her at her word. She's not saying this to lead you on. She's saying this so she can remind you that she said this up front when she's ready to never see you again. If you can't live with this, get rid of her now. But if you can, find a way to adopt her attitude. I'd suggest dating her maybe once a month, and only when you suggest it, and turn her down when she suggests it. In the meantime, date a lot of other girls, and maybe she won't mean so much to you.

 

I'll leave you two back to it. Good luck.

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Thanks for the perspectives, I know she does not have any other boyfriends because she has a kid who is around 6 days a week and we get together the one day she doesn't have him.

I do have feelings for her but can't help but think she must have them for me as well or this wouldn't be happening.

She has also said she knows if we keep this up she'll fall for me again and that scares her. To be honest I think she already has fallen for me and is trying to deny it

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Thanks for the perspectives, I know she does not have any other boyfriends because she has a kid who is around 6 days a week and we get together the one day she doesn't have him.

I do have feelings for her but can't help but think she must have them for me as well or this wouldn't be happening.

She has also said she knows if we keep this up she'll fall for me again and that scares her. To be honest I think she already has fallen for me and is trying to deny it

I have no doubt that's what you think. You might want to ask yourself why she'd go to the trouble of denying this pleasure to herself.

 

Now, with this new information, I'm guessing that she may like you, but for whatever reason, she doesn't see you as the future. It might be your earning power, your personality, your lower status in the relationship dynamic between the two of you. However, you take her out for some much needed diversion and she gets to have sex too! No strings during the week! Perfect!

 

You, my friend, are a placeholder. To quote Mr. T:

 

I predict pain.

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Here is the deal, good posts largo BTW, like I said, why and what are the reasons that you broke up.

 

If you can figure that out and fix it without making a big deal about it, and let her see it over time, you MIGHT have a long term chance, but you have to do it for the right reasons.

 

Also, you cannot assume her feelings are anywhere near yours, in any way. If you do YOU WILL GET HURT.

 

And, look, you are young and you need to date around and not put all your eggs in one basket.

 

The attitude that you have to adopt is this: You be the best man, the most confident man, the most educated man, the most stable man, and what ever man that you can be. You do that, be confident about yourself and confident in your skin, and women will flock to you. You will have a lot of choices.

 

The thing is be strong enough within that when a woman that you like is done with you, it may hurt a little, but there are literally 100 other girls waiting to take her place. Then you just move on to the one that you like that best.

 

Man, I have had some girls that I was casual with that fell in love with me and when it was over, it got ugly, ugly, ugly.

 

Think about the things that we are telling you and get it together and enjoy life.

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We spent the last couple of weekends together but she doesn't want to be exclusive, she wants to keep things progressing slowly and see where it leads us. She told me she is not seeing anyone but me but is open to the idea of dating other people and wants me to do the same.

She said as soon as I have sex with someone other than her we will be done.

I guess I have to figure out whether or not I want to deal with this arrangement or not

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Her arrangement sounds perfect, except for the exclusive sex part.

 

Tell her that while you're not really looking to have sex with a lot of girls, and that there's nobody specific that you have in mind at the moment, you still don't want to rule anything out if you find someone you click with. Offer to always wear condoms with everybody, see how she reacts to that.

 

The dividend will be that when she gets mad, you'll know she's just toying with you. If her feelings get hurt, you'll know that she really likes you.

 

Either way, you'll know everything you need to know. I think she'll get mad, but who knows? It's worth a shot.

Edited by LargoLagg
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It's funny you say see how she reacts, I told her I was going on a date last week and she asked me if the girl was promiscuous. I told her you know me that's all I date. She laughed it off but was a little upset I was going on a date.

I will do what you say though and see how she reacts

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Scarlett.O'hara
What are women thinking when they get in to a FWB with an ex-boyfriend?

We were together for a little over two years and broke up almost 3 months ago. After the breakup we rarely spoke to each other and then about 3 weeks ago she wanted to get in a FWB situation. Last weekend we spent the night together with her cuddling and all touchy feely but when I'm not around her she gets a little distant but at the same time is also making plans for getting together and spending nights together.

What goes through a womens mind for this to happen? Is she just confused about what she really wants?

 

 

It sounds like she knows exactly what she wants. Familiar sex with someone she knows, without the effort of a relationship. That will probably change if you start dating someone else. She won't like your attention elsewhere if it means she can't get an itch scratched.

 

If she dumped you, I doubt she wants it to mean more than that. However, if you dumped her she might be using it as a way to win you back.

 

Either way, sleeping with her is a risky idea. Someone will probably end up getting hurt.

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I will do what you say though and see how she reacts

 

Fine if you see her as a FWB and you do not want to get back with her. However if she does like you and would like to get back together and is merely testing you, then if you hurt her by saying you are going to sleep with other girls, then it will be over.

Women in love tend to like the fairy tale, they want a guy who is "true" to them and who will not look at other women (even when broken up). If he really loves her, he will be true, if he is not true then he never really loved her - is the script...

If you spoil the fairy tale by suggesting she is just one of a crowd, she will ditch you and if that is not what you really want, then tread carefully.

 

Trying to make women jealous is fine if they are not really emotionally invested in you.

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I'm the one who initiated the breakup but we were both unhappy for the last few months of the rs.

We do have plans to see a show at a theatre after Christmas with her son and another couple that we had bought before the bu.

I agree she enjoys the attention but why bring back her kid and friends back into the equation?

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Fine if you see her as a FWB and you do not want to get back with her. However if she does like you and would like to get back together and is merely testing you, then if you hurt her by saying you are going to sleep with other girls, then it will be over.

Women in love tend to like the fairy tale, they want a guy who is "true" to them and who will not look at other women (even when broken up). If he really loves her, he will be true, if he is not true then he never really loved her - is the script...

If you spoil the fairy tale by suggesting she is just one of a crowd, she will ditch you and if that is not what you really want, then tread carefully.

 

Trying to make women jealous is fine if they are not really emotionally invested in you.

 

Never said I was going to sleep with anyone else and truthfully we have a fantastic sex life, just want to see her reaction

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It's funny you say see how she reacts, I told her I was going on a date last week and she asked me if the girl was promiscuous. I told her you know me that's all I date is. She laughed it off but was a little upset I was going on a date.

I will do what you say though and see how she reacts

Be sure to inquire about her emotional state. Don't let her slough it off, if that's what she's doing.

 

For example:

 

You seem angry, are you angry? Why? We're just talking. I'm just exploring. Just say what you mean. What do you mean?

 

or

 

You seem like your feelings are hurt a little. I don't mean to hurt them, but this seems like a real possibility. I don't want to call you at 1 in the morning to say we're done, and I sure don't want to get that call. So I need to understand your motivations, but I also need to anticipate what might actually happen. Help me understand this.

 

This kind of conversation can get painfully truthful. Just be ready, and don't let it slide.

 

The last thing I'll say is that I left a possibility out. She might be up for your suggestion. Be ready for that.

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Fine if you see her as a FWB and you do not want to get back with her. However if she does like you and would like to get back together and is merely testing you, then if you hurt her by saying you are going to sleep with other girls, then it will be over.

Women in love tend to like the fairy tale, they want a guy who is "true" to them and who will not look at other women (even when broken up). If he really loves her, he will be true, if he is not true then he never really loved her - is the script...

If you spoil the fairy tale by suggesting she is just one of a crowd, she will ditch you and if that is not what you really want, then tread carefully.

 

Trying to make women jealous is fine if they are not really emotionally invested in you.

It's not so much making women jealous as understanding what she's really saying. There is no guarantee she'll be jealous. If she appears to be so, then he has to understand why. Is it really jealousy or is it something else?

 

That's what's important to him. He is entitled to explore her intentions.

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Obviously she is jealous as there is an emotional connection between us. She just doesn't want me to **** other women but she doesn't mind if I date them. Or does she?

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Obviously she is jealous as there is an emotional connection between us. She just doesn't want me to **** other women but she doesn't mind if I date them. Or does she?
You need to be careful about your assumptions. She could simply be worried about STDs. It may have nothing to do with jealousy.

 

I would add that you need to understand what "sex" means. What if she's topless and somebody is kissing her chest? Or if you do that? What if she's giving or receiving digital stimulation? Or you? Oral? Anal?

 

My point is that you can't assume anything.

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Usually FWB don't have dates, hold hands while together, spend the night together and give you casual kisses just for the sake of giving you a kiss. Or do they?

 

My last FWB brought me flowers offered/and fixed stuff in my home, he offered to rebuild my closet, he and I went out to eat/movies, sleepovers, etc.

 

BTW, first rule of FWB is not to talk about FWB :lmao: (remember, "Fight Club" the movie :) )

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Thank you Gloria25

 

Usually FWB don't have dates, hold hands while together, spend the night together and give you casual kisses just for the sake of giving you a kiss. Or do they?

 

I once had a FWB who did exactly this and more. I loved that woman! But not in the way you mean.

 

And she didn't love me. But we genuinely liked each other, a lot, and it was great. Everything was great. There was no breakup, just a recognition of the end. She's my 2nd best girlfriend ever. My wife was #3, and not because I couldn't have #1 or #2. That's how good it was with her. But it was never love.

 

The reason it could be so great, and be something I remember fondly was because we knew how we felt about each other. We never tried to convince ourselves that it was the greatest love affair in the world, or a love affair at all. We allowed ourselves to have this great relationship, not unlike the one you said she wants, EXCEPT she was ok if we slept with other people. So was I.

 

Tomorrow, I'm going to my annual Christmas lunch with two friends and her husband.

 

This can be a really great thing for you, lifelong, if you let it be what it is. I think that's why I'm so insistent about my interpretation of your situation. Not everybody is meant to be your mate. Hopefully, you'll be able to accept people in your life who are a little less than all in, and are willing to be less than that.

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Obviously she is jealous as there is an emotional connection between us. She just doesn't want me to **** other women but she doesn't mind if I date them. Or does she?

 

As you broke up with her, my guess is that she is of the mindset that part of you is better then nothing and this offer of a FWB is an attempt by her to get back with you.

In this circumstance it is unfair and cruel to use her for sex.

Too many guys it seems, use the ex for sex. She thinks she is on a path to getting back together and he just acquired a FB.

A person who has just been dumped, is in no place mentally to be "just" a FWB/FB.

 

I guess she is bringing her kid and family back into the equation as she sees this sleeping together with loads of cuddles and hugs as path to a reconciliation...

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We're in the same situation as you. Broke up about 2 months ago after a little over 1.5 years. I initiated, but he sealed the deal.

 

Thing is - we got f*cking closer after the break up. We don't date, but we are FWB now. I'm almost happier that way. We get together, he cooks for me, we have an awesome sex about daily... I know that that's reviving a corpse and it will likely lead to nowhere - but i didn't manage to let go cold turkey after such a long time together.

 

I keep wondering if he's as attracted to me as he appears to be, why the relationship was so s*cky - we were fighting a LOT, and I caught him on a dating site... He tells me he didn't know what to do. Unless we 'upgrade' by NYE, I think the 'arrangement' will be over and just part of 2016...

 

What do you plan to do in your case? Are you getting re-attached by the FWB situation? Do you see any potential for more?

 

I'm the one who initiated the breakup but we were both unhappy for the last few months of the rs.

We do have plans to see a show at a theatre after Christmas with her son and another couple that we had bought before the bu.

I agree she enjoys the attention but why bring back her kid and friends back into the equation?

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