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"Friend" but I want more


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Back story. I dated this woman for about 6 months. Her separated, me divorced. Our relationship was undefined. Never referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, but a lot of hearts in texts and that crap. Even would say "I heart you" to each other, to dance around the L word. I knew be both had feeling for each other. One day she abruptly ends it. We text occasionally. Even go out to get drinks a couple times. Find out the ex is back in town, crashing at friends houses and making her life hell. Thankfully i dogged that et I guess. He's a piece of work, and a month ago, I would have been dragged into some serious drama.

 

A year and a half goes by and we text hear and there. She lets me know when she finally found employment, wishes me happy birthday and offers to make me a cake. I decline. Stuff like that. Then about two months ago she starts texting me regularly. I find out her and her ex split after she tried again to let him back in her life. Asks me if I'm seeing anyone. Asks if I want to hang out. We meet for a drink, she's a bit distracted as her kid is home sick with his grandma, so we end up parting ways early. But wee start texting every day. On a whim I log back onto the dating site I met her on originally and see her on there. We joke about still showing up on each other's matches. We see each other about 5 more times. Go out for drinks, play dominoes, hang out. Nothing ever happens but my feelings for her are growing strong again. Seeing her on the dating site now literally pains me with jealousy. I know I've been friend zoned though. Just when I start getting hope I get texts like "how you doing friend" "thanks for yesterday buddy". And "what do you want to do tomorrow, homie".

 

The other day she tells about a guy she was chatting with on the site who whinds up being married. And small world, works in my industry, I may know him. But no one by his name works where the guy claimed, but who knows if he was even using his real name. At this point I can't take it.

 

Make a comment about it being hard to find a nice guy who digs you. She released I was taking about because me. She responds with "nice guy, lol". "You're a good guy, and funny as hell, but not a nice guy. But who says I'm looing for a nice guy? A nice guy is not fun to hang out with". I ask a bit about what she is looking for. Says she doesn't know. Ask me what I am looking for. I rattle off some stuff. I didn't have the guts to just say "YOU!".

 

At this point I'm ready to walk away, this hurts too much. But I proceed to get a bit flirty though the dating sites message system instead of text. Say something to the point of

 

"well of course they get crude, your beautiful eyes drive them wild.".

 

Her response was "awww, you think my eyes are beautiful? Careful Daniel, that almost sounds like a compliment".

 

I respond with " absolutely, between your beautiful eyes and your infectious laugh, you've left a mark on me".

 

She laughs it off saying "my laugh is not contagious, don't worry, I've been tested".

 

So shut down again, I go back to normal text "my conversation on Pof is making you uncomfortable isnt it".

 

She texts back "what conversation, most conversations on there make me uncomfortable".

 

I just say "k".

 

She snaps back "was a joke Daniel".

 

At this point its Friday around noon, I decided to drop communication. I've pretty much let the cat out of the bag, and still to no avail. I don't text her all weekend. Sunday night she texts asking how my weekend event went. I answer short, then decide to ask how hers was after about a half hour. Tells me took her son to the mountains on Sat. Then went for a bike ride and had lunch at this new restaurant that opened by her.

 

I ask "A bit date"

 

She says "ya, he's 4 feet tall and about 8 years old."

 

We send each other a few funny memes on Monday and then today I make the first communication at aboit 4pm. Just a dumb meme. She responds with "Daniel!". "I was just about to text you and there you go showing up on my phone"

 

I decide screw it, she MUST have picked up that I am into her so I say "awww, you miss me"

 

She asks if I have any time off this week

 

I tell her I'm free Thursday night, she says she will see if her mom can watch her kid.

 

I say "see, you did miss me! That or you're so desperate for a social life I'll do in a pinch :p "

 

I get a "I just thought it would be fun, don't go reading all into it"

 

I say "I was joking"

 

She says "good"

 

So that's where it sits right now. Part of me wants to just say never mind. I can't see you. They other part desperately want to see her out of some insane ray of hope. It sucks. We get along amazingly. We are great for each other. But I know I can't make her be into me like that. But at the same time I can't go on feeling depressed and heart broken after we hand out. I'm ridiculously attracted to her, she was the best sex I ever had, and I like my life better with her in it.

Edited by Wineman77
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JennySmithson05

Ugh, it sounds like she's playing games possibly. And she doesn't know what she wants. That's tough. My advice...stay away. I'm involved with someone who is playing games and I'm near a nervous breakdown. It's awful. It would be so much easier walking away from the point you are at than trying to walk away when things have gone deeper. Just really focus on yourself. You deserve the best. I don't think she can offer that. Good luck.

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Probably spot on the "she doesn't know what she wants". Should I just walk away with no explanation, or spill it out and risk rejection on top of losing her in my life?

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JennySmithson05

I didn't say you have to walk away completely. I'm just saying...be careful. I can't even begin to tell you the pain I'm feeling right now because of someone who is all over the place. The problem is I fell for her badly. And she's playing a game with me. Some days are incredible. I won't lie. They are intense and amazing. But at the end of the day, she doesn't know what she wants. And a person can be a yo yo, but it doesn't come without pain.

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The thought of telling someone you like them and not having them feel the same way can be pretty scary. But I think honesty is always the right way to go. Communicate to her clearly how you feel and what you want in a relationship with her. Maybe she'll be glad you took the first step in declaring your feelings!

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I'm kind of confused. Besides her calling you "buddy" and "friend" occasionally, has she actually rejected you at all since you've started talking regularly again? Has she said, "I just want to be friends with you"?

 

It seems like she's flirting right back at you. You seemed to take some of her comments as shutting you down, when I see them as playful banter. Like this:

 

She laughs it off saying "my laugh is not contagious, don't worry, I've been tested".

 

So shut down again, I go back to normal text "my conversation on Pof is making you uncomfortable isnt it".

 

And she didn't even know what conversation you were referring to.

 

It's like you think you're dropping all these really obvious hints that you're into her, and yes, you are letting it be known that you're into her. I'm sure she gets that. But why are you getting so frustrated? What are you expecting her to do?

 

Are you even asking her out on dates or trying to hold her hand when you're with her - or exhibiting any other sign that you'd like for things to go somewhere? Has she actually turned you down at all, in plain words?

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Well, who really knows what goes on in a women's mind !. Scientists are still attempting to reveal this..

 

 

However, men's minds works in a "I know what you mean dude" sort of way.

So, you know you cant keep going like this, as its going to get worse when she starts on about meeting other guys, etc.

Mate (I'm an Aussie), you need to tell her that you will need to end your relationship with her because you have started to have feelings for her.

Which you have, no questions about it. Tell her that when she discusses things about other guys, or similar, it leaves you unconfutable, and down.

So, rather than go though it day after day, its best that if she cant be in your life the way you want her to, then you need to find someone that will, and love you for you.

Maybe after telling her this, and, of course the mandatory, no contact for a few days, she may see what she had, and make a move towards expanding things with you. If not, move on, and start over again.

 

 

Ted.

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Well an update is in order. First of all, thank you all for your replies.

 

We had plans to hang out on Thursday night. Had been trying to get ahold of her earlier in the night to no avail. End up texting late Wednesday night, I needed to find out if her mom had agreed to babysit or not, and I knew she was up because I saw her active on POF.

 

She says sorry, has a busy day, but yes, her mom is sown to watch her son. Then it happens, from small talk about her day to this:

 

"and I went on a date tonight, first one in a long long time" (I can only assume last date was me, as she went from me, then back to estranged hubby, to separated again)

 

I say "well that's nice, how did it go"

 

She says "went well actually, he wasn't a creep which is refreshing. I enjoyed talking to him, hes cute, employed, and didn't get all grabby graberton"

 

I replay "well good for you, (her name)"

 

She Says "I sense some sarcasm"

 

Me: "jealous monster"

 

Her: "why, you went out last weekend" (i did, but I didn't bring it up. She asked what I did Sat night, said I sent to a bar in Fullerton. She asked if it was a date and I didn't lie)

 

Me; "consolation prize"

 

Her: "You said you had a nice time"

 

Me: "the person I really want doesn't seem to like me the way I like her"

 

(I guess this was FINALLY clear enough!!!!!!!!)

 

Her: I'm sorry. You've been someone I really like having as a friend. I don't want to make you hate me. and I guarantee you would hate me by the time you were done. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster I am right now. What are you saying? You want to be my FWB?"

 

Me: "Cool, I agree. FWB it is!!! LOL I didn't think you were looking for a hard core boyfriend yourself? While you know don't have time to be in a serious relationship, but FWB assume no feels, well obviously thats NOT where I am with you. I have feelings for you. I don't know exactly what I want, and if you don't like me like that, well it doesn't matter. I can't make you. But I know I'm very much into you. I enjoy your company, a lot. And yes, I'm insanely attracted to you. You do it for me, (her name)!!!"

 

Her: "I'm pretty sure it wouldn't end well and I'm not sure I want someone not emotionally available. I'd like the opportunity to have the next guy fall for me so I can crush them. You want to be that guy?"

 

Me: "I think I already WAS that guy! See, I'm giving you your broken man heart trophy. See what a good friend I am. Ok, I'm beat. I'm going to crash out. Talk to you tomorrow"

 

Her: "If you don't want to friends with me, I understand, but I'd be bummed"

 

Next morning....

 

Me: "Good morning, someone stole my phone last night, you didn't get any texts from me did you? :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

But seriously, let me know if you still want to hang out, I need to make sitter arrangements myself. I still want to, but I know i may have made **** awkward. Hopefully you don't lump me into the rest of the POFs who just want to f*** you!"

 

Her: "I'm not tripping. Said last night my mom was down"

 

Me; ok, beers and dominoes it is. Just had to make sure after I spilled my guts"

 

 

Well she ended up canceling, said he mom left work sick. We chatted a bit on Friday. I left her alone on Sat. Sent her a text on Sunday night asking how her weekend was. Have not gotten a response. (major pet peeve of mine).

 

So there it is. I laid it out and got the reaction I expected, just not the one I hoped for. I can play the long game with her, I'm not in a hurry to settle down. I have plenty of options for casual relationships in the meantime. But I really want THIS woman!

 

Or maybe I look into this "no contact" thing the last poster mentioned. Does that just mean no initiating contact, or flat out ignoring? As i mentioned I really find that rude and ghosting to be chicken sh%^

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Your only making it worse for yourself by staying in contact with her.

Wait till she starts talking about having sex with her new guy(s).

I want you to think about it for a few seconds. Guys pleasuring your "Girl"..

Few seconds up.. Well, how's it feel. Bet its really crappy.

I can only state my thoughts to your story. Others will and have their views, which they will comment on. There's no right or wrong here..

But, for myself, I would have to cut all communications, especially after you put your heart on your sleave, and got peanuts in response.

 

 

If she really, and I mean really felt anything for you, then LET HER make the effort to communicate with you in the future.

If she doesn't, or makes a pitiful attempt, then your answer is staring at you.

 

 

I hope she gets that empty feeling we get when we get dumped, and see's what she's going to let go.

 

 

Keep us updated, and good luck sticking with the program...

 

 

Ted.

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So you did face-to-face in-person dating for six months and were you sleeping together? Did you not make a move? I feel like I'm missing something.

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This is just the usual story, the person who did the dumping is in control and they are very happy being friends, as they are no longer emotionally involved. They are very happy having a ready made close buddy to talk to, to hang about with, and tell their troubles to.

It is hard being suddenly single and dating again, so it is great having someone who you can always call, who gets you, who has your back and who is now just a platonic friend.

 

The dumpee however is looking at this friendship as a stepping stone to getting back together. Every word, gesture and action is interpreted as possibly being a good sign or not...

As the "friendship" develops the dumper then places the ex in the "best friend" category and who then does he/she bring his/her dating woes to?

That's right, the best friend...

 

This is the reason no-one who still has feelings for their ex should hang around being friends with them. There always comes a time when they want to bring up their dating stories and no-one who has still has romantic feelings for someone wants to hear any of it.

Edited by elaine567
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To the question about whether I made a move.... Yes, we were in a sexual relationship when we dated. This current "friendship" is a year and a half later. No. I didn't make a move. Our first meeting up was awkward. Like I said. She was distracted by a sick kid at home. I also had just spent 2 hours in an MRI machine. Wasn't on my game. Probably should of cancelled, but really needed a drink and a friendly face. It was a LONG day. But aside from a parting hug, I initiated nothing that first meeting. After that I starting reading into the "hi friend" texts and doubting stuff I guess. Usually I'm way more aggressive. This one messes me up. She's like my relationship/sexual karma coming back and kicking my butt.

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Well, since you are interested in still being romantic, I have to assume it is she that decided she's happier just being friends with you. I'm sorry about that for you. But if you find this attachment is holding you back, you should sever ties and start looking for a woman who wants a relationship. Once women back out of the sexual part, there's usually some certainty to it in their minds. They aren't "always tempted" like so many men seem to be. So don't waste time waiting for her to change her mind. Good luck.

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