Jump to content

FWB post 2nd of weekend depressing


mortensorchid

Recommended Posts

mortensorchid

I've been FWB with this guy for a while now, almost 3 years. We were together for six months then he ghosted and I moved on. Six months later I bumped into him again, he said why he ghosted. He and his wife got divorced, he met me right after and he didn't want to jump into things too quick, etc. Excuses, I realize. Everyone has them as to why they can't do something.

 

But since then, every few months, we would get together and have a weekend or an afternoon. The last one was three months ago, had an afternoon at his house. I sent him an IM saying I was free this weekend. He's in disappear mode again.

 

I realize I am at fault here. I'm not in love with him nor will I ever be, I'm lonely which is why I go back to him. And it's what it is. Just feeling a sadness I should not and wanted to rant on it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Midnight_Madness

Hi,

 

I'm a young female whom has been in a FWB relationship for some time now, about a year. The relationship can be annoying at times but so long as both parties are getting what they want from the situation it can be a happy experience.

 

I understand feeling lonely but if you are no longer feeling satisfied with the arrangement, are you?, I would recomend taking time off and exploring other options. Such as experimenting more in the dating pool, considering a different FWB relationship etc.

 

Venting is good for mental wellbeing so keep it up and I hope my reply helps you in some way ?.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I realize I am at fault here. I'm not in love with him nor will I ever be, I'm lonely which is why I go back to him. And it's what it is. Just feeling a sadness I should not and wanted to rant on it.

 

It's sad the way we inflict pain upon ourselves, over and over, while fully understanding that we're doing it to ourselves.

 

I wonder sometimes if it's a question of self worth. Of thinking that we're simply not worth something real, something healthy that will last.

 

I'll spare you the rhetoric, hope you're feeling back on top soon.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh I can so relate! It's really easy also to fall back into a comforting familiarity with someone you were once in a RL with, as opposed to putting yourself out there again and again with new strangers!! They have the advantage of time on you!

Even though interacting with the known person is painful, it seems like 'better the devil you know' or something! This is flawed logic because there is potential to be treated well with someone new who has not acted so cruelly and the old person has shown you they are CAPABLE and can follow through with severely hurting you. BE AWARE of this if you choose to continue here and make sure you check that this dynamic is not tearing you down over time.

 

 

If you're anything like me, a FWB is not something that you can do with any great success long term as if you find yourself disappointed/hurt when they don't reply to a bootycall/flirty type text for example, it's going to take it's toll on your self-esteem. Even though I know it can seem really validating to have this person who dogged you in the past want to come back again and again, it's actually NOT! And it's even worse if you once loved/liked them (even though you say you won't feel that way for this guy), it means that some part of you hopes that they'll at least consider you in that light even if you've deemed THEM insufficient partner material!

 

 

I also read somewhere that women choose these men with problems who ghost and don't treat them right because the woman somewhere deep down actually fears commitment herself! Worth considering!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
mortensorchid

I also read somewhere that women choose these men with problems who ghost and don't treat them right because the woman somewhere deep down actually fears commitment herself! Worth considering!

 

In every single situation I have been in an actual relationship with the person, I have been dumped by the man because for whatever reason they didn't want to commit to me (ultimately). They did commit to someone else right afterward, I am my own Good Luck Chuck as it seems but, it's what it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's all about perception. If dating and relationships are a numbers game, then we know that most aren't going to work out. Of course, eventually those people will end up in new relationships or marriages in which they appear to be committing to a new partner. (Although most of the time those relationships are plagued with similar problems and eventually end).

 

So something must be wrong with us if they are capable of giving the love we wanted to somebody else. I used to think it was me, too, but now I'm realizing there are a lot of women who will put up with anything to say they have something. They find men who 'commit' to them because they're willing to put up with their bs and not make a fuss about it.

 

Being alone can be really dull at times but it's less crappy than dealing with people you know are not meant for you. I don't have someone calling/texting me everyday or arranging dates, but I also don't have to deal with the rejection and pain of having something that's so fleeting and temporary.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
I also read somewhere that women choose these men with problems who ghost and don't treat them right because the woman somewhere deep down actually fears commitment herself! Worth considering!

In every single situation I have been in an actual relationship with the person, I have been dumped by the man because for whatever reason they didn't want to commit to me (ultimately). They did commit to someone else right afterward, I am my own Good Luck Chuck as it seems but, it's what it is.

 

I think the bolded above ^^^^ is very true if you look into it for most situations that go on long term like yours has. Where you can honestly say you don't have those type of feelings for him--and it sure sounded like you were being honest when you said you didn't and were just lonely.

 

I think if you stop giving your loneliness a bandaid that is your FWB, you will confront the lonely feeling head on and whatever fears you might have about commitment and actually find the guy that's good for you & I'm sure you will find it a ton more fulfilling. Don't let your fear hold you back! Good luck

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
EveryWomanJ2911

It sounds like you are unhappy with whatever this arrangement is, and that you want to address it somehow, but are afraid of being lonely. Is that about the jist of it? If so, it appears that you are already lonely in this situation and need to move away from it to get your needs met. You have definitely given this other person enough time to change the setup to something more...but they haven't as they are getting what they want already.

 

The best thing at this point for you may be to evaluate what kind of relationship will really meet your needs, and then go in a new direction towards that expectation. Let others know exactly what you are looking for, and don't waste time with those who are not on the same page as you are on this. You can find out over coffee very quickly if someone is a good match for you when you talk about the "majors" in life.

 

Typically, if you find someone who has similar goals in life and has a similar background to yours, you have a higher chance of success as a couple. So, figure out your life goals, and your relationship goals, and then seek out someone who wants the things you want on the "majors"-marriage, family, career, education, housing, location to family, finances, beliefs, etc. The "minors" are where you are different, as individuals (they like chinese food and you prefer greek food; you like RomComs and they like action flicks, etc.) but you both can still come together to make major decisions as a team. I found my mate and am very content. You can be too.

 

You can do it! I believe in you. Blessings :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author
mortensorchid

I reached out to the FWB this week, I have a weekend off (I work 3 jobs) and wanted some fun this weekend. I said maybe we could have a weekend, he just responded with a smiley face in the IM. Tonight I sent an IM saying I had a plan on Saturday if he wanted to join in (as in an actual date where we go out in public and do something together not just have sexy time at either of our houses, which is what we would ultimately end up doing), he said he was going out to do something else. I said "Alright, that's fine. It's not like we're in an actual relationship or anything, right?" No response.

 

I posted on this before. See this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/597424-again-yeah

 

I take others' comments to heart - on my part I am not happy in it anymore. I wish he and it (as in the relationship) are somethings that they are not, it just won't happen. It's what it is. People don't want to be alone but ... It's just what it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites

FWB is very rare.

 

Most of the time when people think they have a FWB what they really have going on is a **** buddies situation and there is no friendship involved.

 

I've only known of 2 FWB situations in my entire thus far life and in both cases they were friends already for a while and then they started having sex sometimes.

 

You can't decide to have a friendship with someone, it just happens organically over time if it is going to happen. But you can just decide to have sex with someone. So therefore you can't just decide to be FWB with someone. F buddies for sure, but not FRIENDS with benefits.

 

If you want FWB situation it is best to wait for an actual friendship and then introduce the possibility of sex later.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

This sounds like FB not FWB. If you want FWB, suggest you look elsewhere.

 

FWB is a strange concept. If the F really stands for friends, then if he already has plans with other friends I'm not sure you can be offended that he doesn't drop them to join you in your plans. That happens all the time where you have potentially competing things to do with different groups of friends and have to choose. Do you expect that because your friendship is FWB that you get priority?

 

Your response was quite passive aggressive by the way. It makes it sound like you want a relationship, which if you do you should either exit your FWB and try and find one or stop projecting that on to your FWB.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

"I said "Alright, that's fine. It's not like we're in an actual relationship or anything, right?" No response."

 

This is no longer a FWB situation because you want more and he doesn't. That reply you gave him tells him that. Come straight out and let him know and see if he might want the same thing you do and if he doesn't, then you should stop seeing him because you wont be able to be "friends" only with him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Gurl he probably already had plans, plus you decided to "change" your arrangement without consulting him or having a discussion. You only met for sex, then you throw this "we should go out" at him.

 

"I said "Alright, that's fine. It's not like we're in an actual relationship or anything, right?" No response."

 

This^^^ comment is passive/aggressive. I don't blame him for not responding....he was avoiding an altercation he had no interest in getting involved in.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
mortensorchid

I just feel sad is all. I'm lonely, I can admit it, but I don't want to look lonely to others. I try to keep busy and do a lot, but ... I spend most of that time alone. The older I get the more I realize people are all about nonsense of why they can't do something rather than what they can do, are very critical of others, lash out, etc. Is the man in question a good guy? Yes, he is. He's okay, not great by any means. No loss. Not depressed, life is good.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
mortensorchid

Since my first FWB attempt went south this weekend (I am on my phone and cannot copy/paste a link) I called on the other. I had not seen him in months. I would send a text when I would be on his side if town saying maybe we could meet up(and not just for sex, he is my friend as well) he would say no he was busy with work. We'd have a chat or two here and there, last night between Lyft driving I saw he was online and sent a hello. He said he was working, I said okay.

 

He sent another longer IM to me saying to stop waiting. He said he is busy with work and chooses to do so now, he cut himself off from all friends and things for it. It's not going to happen with me and him and he wished me all the best. I responded saying this depresses me that he can't take out a few minutes here and there for a chat but it's what it is. This project he is working on, incidentally is a complete lost cause. He is buying a house in a terrible neighborhood that was abandoned for years and he wants to turn it into some kind of clubhouse for artists. I never voiced my opinion on it, it's not my business to do so but he will end up in debt up to his armpits and it will not be what he thinks it's going to be. Plus it will take YEARS of work to do from what I can see.

 

How do I feel? I feel like he is saying he no longer wants to see or hear from me at all anymore by that "I wish you all the best" line in it. Later tonight I will copy and paste my responses and his message for better clarification.

 

The irony is that last year he came back after three years if silence asking my forgiveness for what went down between me and him. I took him back for it. Life is complicated, the world's full of lonely people, which it is. I was not, incidentally hoping he would be my bf again I was reaching out.

 

I feel... In a place now. Silent, at peace. Depressed? Maybe but it will pass. Thoughts on it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you're dodging a bullet with him.

 

Who knows what is around the corner, be true to you, take care of you.

 

You are all you need, some company of the right calibre can be nice, but who needs some dodgy dude who doesn't cherish you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're going through tough times. I did read your other threads about your FWB (s). I get the impression that you may not be cut out for FWB type arrangements. I've never tried one (because I'm not cut out for it, for sure) but I imagine that you'd have to be completely carefree and spur of the moment about it, and to be fine with being a very low priority to the other person. Seems it will happen only if you both feel like having sex, have nobody more intimate to have it with, and nothing else going on.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
mortensorchid

For some clarification on the situation, here is his response in his words:

 

Stop waiting. I am so lost in the work that I have to do that you are only damaging yourself by thinking that I will be able to be around at any point. I won't.

 

You met me when I was at a very weak point. However, now I am at a point where I have too much to handle. I have dropped off of everything, and I am going to stay that way. This is what I'm doing. I really want you to find what you want, in life. But it is not gonna be with me.

 

Take care. I'll be wishing you the best.

 

He'll have nothing in the end with this project I mentioned, trust me. This is something that will take YEARS to get ready and if and when it is, it won't fly. And he'll end up in debt up to his armpits. I don't know what to make of this response, he's saying he doesn't want to hear from me / see me again. But he came back last year saying he wanted me back as his friend, and now he doesn't anymore? I don't know ... Tell me what to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
mortensorchid

Anything? I don't know what to do if anything. I responded to him, FYI. I told him I find that rather sad that he can't take out any time at all for anyone or anything else, me included. I have a hard time believing that to be the case.

 

I have changed, I feel nothing. All feeling for others left me, I've been beaten and abused so many times by others that I feel ... Nothing. Sociopathy. It's almost as if all feeling for humanity left me. I have become such a cold, bitter person, and it shows. I said that to an old bf who I reached out to through Facebook - he said someday I will find love. I said I think he would be surprised at what a bitter person I have become since he left, and I think it's come true.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Blackened Heart

I think the point that he is making (rather clearly in fact) that he has no time or more importantly, desire to be meeting up or chatting. All his mind is focused on is on what he is working on.

 

To him it isn't a matter of what he is doing not working in the future, he wants to make it work and is going to put all of his energy into it. Right now he is trying to block all distractions and just focus on that, not social aspects or small talk.

 

I am sorry that you are feeling down and lonely, if you were living down here in Southern Cali I'd take you out for a burger and some dessert to perk you up :p

 

But hey, at least you got a lot of other miserable people here to wallow with :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt the same way for several years after my marriage broke up and got into several casual sex type "relationships".

I didn't realise how damaging it was to me, I didn't cure my loneliness. It just made me feel used, worthless and bitter.

I stopped this self destructive behaviour when I found out a man I was sleeping with had a fiancée. I started hanging out with my female friends and workmates more and concentrated on making myself happy. I then started dating another guy who it turned out wanted a casual relationship only, at the same time I met my now fiancé- he adored me, he took me to meet his family and cared about all my worries. So I told casual guy that I had found someone who wanted a proper relationship. He was really annoyed about that!! He begged me to give him a chance as he'd changed his mind about wanting more.

I think the big turn around in my situation was finding my confidence and voice in speaking up for what I wanted and believed I deserved.

 

You can turn your situation around too. Just start with the woman in the mirror and make it your biggest priority to make her happy without a man.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
mortensorchid

SO it's clear of course I should not bother him. But never again see him? That's what he seems to be saying to me. I find that bad that someone would come back, say they want you back, then do such a thing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...