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Slept with my roommate, now what?


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The title pretty much sums it up.

A little background: About ten weeks ago I rented my spare room to an old friend who was visiting from out of state for 3 months. She's intelligent, funny and incredibly attractive. When I offered her the room, I assure her that I was not going to spend 3 months trying to get into her pants. We spent little time together outside of passing during our separate comings and goings.

 

A few days ago things got strange. She texted me to join her and a mutual friend for a drink and after the nights frivolities, we headed home. Shortly after climbing into bed I felt and heard the mattress move ever so slightly. She asked if she could stay there for the night, just for the company. To be clear, she was still fully clothed at this point. As we lie there chatting about rather inane subjects, I can feel her moving closer to me.

 

I'm no fool, I could tell what was happening. She drew my arm over her and interlocked our fingers. She began telling me how she had become more and more attracted to me while being here and was finding it hard to be around me. With out going into the sordid details, one thing lead to another and we ended up spending the night together.

 

The next day was kind of awkward. Feeling ashamed of what I allowed to happen caused me to withdraw from her. While nothing wrong happened per se, I felt guilty because she is a friend and a great person.

 

Two days after the night of, she confronted me about avoiding her. Following a long, and at times, embarrassing conversation things seemed to get sorted out. She assured me that what had happened was in no way my fault and, despite the awkwardness afterwards, was a very satisfying experience for her.

 

If that was the end of it, we could have simply written it off as an innocent occurrence. It, however, didn't end there. The afternoon following us having our talk, she invited me to dinner. After dinner, some wine and a nightcap we ended up back in my bed yet again. A six hour marathon later, we spent all of the next day curled up in bed.

 

Now to the meat of the problem. She'll be leaving in 3 weeks, returning home to resume the life she had before coming here. Truth be told, I don't want her to leave. Obviously, I can't ask her to stay. Her family is there, as is her job. I honestly don't know what to do. Should I just enjoy as much time with her as I can and be happy for it or should I tell her the full truth?

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Tell her the full truth! The only thing you'll regret later on is not telling her because you'll be left wondering "what if?" You never know, she may want to start a relationship with you. It might have to be long distance for a while but maybe she'll move to your town in the future so you can be together. And sadly, if you don't end up together at least you'll know you tried. But I think it sounds good considering you've known each other for a while and she already admitted her feelings for you. Good luck!

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Did you take the rent in advance?

 

Always take payment for any services before sleeping with the customer.

 

Don't tell her how you are feeling, this is just a flush of glandular secretion that is biologically natural in Males.

 

Men show affection by initiating sex.

 

Women show affection by being more accommodating to their partners moods and by being less argumentative.

 

The fact that she initiated could indicate that she was at a particular week in her monthly cycle or she was keen to welch on the food & rent.

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You should tell her.

 

But first, though, you should just enjoy the sex marathons with your incredibly attractive friend. She may just want to have sex, in which case, telling her about your feelings might cause her to shut the door on the shenanigans. If that *is* the case, then the shenanigans will end when she leaves anyway, so you might as well enjoy the sex while it is on offer.

 

So, to recap: sex now, more sex for three weeks, then bare your soul to her before she leaves. :D

 

I mean, if I had a nickel for every guy that my ex was happy to have sex with, but didn't want to have a relationship with, well... I'd have a heluva lot of nickels.

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Did you take the rent in advance?

Always take payment for any services before sleeping with the customer...The fact that she initiated could indicate that she was at a particular week in her monthly cycle or she was keen to welch on the food & rent.

Yes, I received the rent on the first of the month before all of this began:D. The dinner we went to in Manhattan? About $200 out of her pocket. Definitely not sleeping with me for free stuff. She's got more money than me(wait...Am I gigolo? Finally!!). It's also not "cycle related". It turns out she was either masturbating in her room thinking about me, while I slept, or was doing it in MY BED while I was at work. For all the "we're just good friends" rhetoric we both spewed when she initially moved in, it turns out that she wanted me to ask her out years before she moved away.
You never know, she may want to start a relationship with you. It might have to be long distance for a while but maybe she'll move to your town in the future so you can be together.
...you should just enjoy the sex marathons with your incredibly attractive friend. She may just want to have sex, in which case, telling her about your feelings might cause her to shut the door on the shenanigans.
Well, this this is where it now gets more complicated.

After a bottle of wine and some amorous bedroom activity last night, she began to tell me that she wishes she didn't have to leave. She's afraid she's going to hurt ME when she leaves to resume her normal life. She did, however, say that she may be moving back here for good in 1-1 1/2 years.

Obviously I don't expect her to be "faithful" for almost 2 years while living 6 states away. I can no more ask her to do that than go celibate for 1.5 years myself. It seems that we are so compatible BECAUSE we're both very sexual people.

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I still stand by what I said. She could be saying that to see what you'll say. Either convince her to stay or convince her to try a long distance relationship. On the other hand, she might mean it. The one thing is you'll never know unless you ask. If she's that important to you you'll risk the rejection and embarrassment for a chance at being together. Tell her how you feel now before it's too late. if she truly feels the way she tells you then she'll give it a try. Otherwise you know it wasn't real.

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And if you go long distance it doesn't mean you definitely won't see each other for that whole time she's away. You guys can coordinate visits. If you can afford to spend that much on dinner you can afford a train ride or a flight. Stop being so pessimistic :)

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If you both have high sex drives, I really do not recommend attempting a monogamous long distance relationship.

 

How old are both of you? Would an earlier relocation be at all possible?

 

Otherwise I say have as much sex as you can, while guarding your feelings until she has to leave!

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She could be saying that to see what you'll say...On the other hand, she might mean it.
I've got a pretty good B.S. detector. It's the only benefit of having dated a few pathological liars in the past. I'm fairly certain she meant it, which is a good thing. I did tell her that I wished she could stay, but I understand that she can't at this time.
And if you go long distance it doesn't mean you definitely won't see each other for that whole time she's away. You guys can coordinate visits. If you can afford to spend that much on dinner you can afford a train ride or a flight. Stop being so pessimistic :)
The dinner was not a regular occurrence. I'm much more inclined to cook a gourmet meal at home than go to an expensive restaurant. I've found cooking for woman, particularly if you involve them, works far better than throwing money around. Not to mention, it fits far better with my budget. The dinner was more of a thank you for letting her stay with me.

 

That all said, she will be back for the occasional 3 day weekend every so often. She just can't live without NYC, which is why she wants to come back permanently at some point.

If you both have high sex drives, I really do not recommend attempting a monogamous long distance relationship.
This is by far the biggest issue now. We've moved past the awkwardness to a strange familiarity, but the distance issue still looms overhead like the blade of a guillotine. As I stated earlier, I can not see either of us going long periods of time without sex. That can be as little as a month apart. The good thing is that neither of us expects it from the other.
How old are both of you? Would an earlier relocation be at all possible?
I'm 39, she's 34. Both confirmed bachelors who have no interest in marriage or kids. We both prefer to live for the day. That too is one of the reason we seem to be so good together. We work, we party and we screw. In our recent discussions we've both admitted that simply walking away from a relationship that has run it's course is best. Discretion being the better part of valor, and all that. It just doesn't feel as if this relationship has neared its end.

 

As to an earlier relocation, it doesn't look to be in the cards. I'm stuck here in NJ for at least 1 more year, no matter how badly I want out(too complicated to go into details about that at this time). She can not come back sooner, due to family obligations, unless something drastic changes in the near future.

...have as much sex as you can, while guarding your feelings until she has to leave!
The sex isn't stopping anytime soon, this I am sure of. Guarding my feelings? Not really an issue. It's not easy to convince her that I can move on after she leaves, but she's not the first woman to leave me and likely wont be the last. My feelings aren't the issue she believes. Edited by JimmyHill
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So do you want a long distance relationship? I'm telling you right now if she does, she probably won't tell you. Women don't because we're just used to guys doing it. And we're afraid of turning them off. I don't pursue a guy because I feel like if he likes me i would already know. That's just been my personal experience anyway. Tell her how you feel. You're not in high school! :)

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So do you want a long distance relationship? I'm telling you right now if she does, she probably won't tell you..Tell her how you feel. You're not in high school! :)
An LDR? Not a chance, we both know it wont work. I've been single(not celibate, just serial dating) for over 3 years, she was in a somewhat long term relationship until 9 months ago. I know, with relative certainty, what will happen when she leaves. In all likelihood I'll go back to unfulfilling dates/1-2 night stands and she'll end up back with her ex(who she is not all that enamored with, but comfortable).

 

I can deal with going back to my old life, it'll suck but I can do it. Ok, it wont suck all that much, I do live a fun life. It just wont be the same as it was before her because I'll be holding dates to an even higher standard. A standard that is very hard to reach. In my nearly 40 years on this planet it's been rare to find someone I was compatible with, let alone someone I was THIS compatible with. I know she feels much the same. We've had that discussion when she asked why I didn't ask her out while she was living here years ago. That lead to us both realizing that we missed an amazing opportunity.

 

My biggest concern is that she wont be able to go back to the life she had before me. I don't say that to sound cocky, it's just the reality of things. As I've said, she was comfortable with her ex but somewhat bored. I know from experience how that can affect a person. I was in a "comfortable" relationship, and always wondering "what could have been" if I was still with X.

 

Despite her insistence that she doesn't want to hurt ME, I can see that she's trying to deny the reality of how it will affect her. Maybe I'm selfish but I don't want to be the reason she can not get on with her life when she leaves. I want the best for her, she deserves it.

 

I have told her how I feel, She knows I don't want her to leave. She doesn't want to leave. It's just our individual obligations will allow no other end.

 

I guess I should just let this run it's course, enjoy the time we have together, and hope that life doesn't get in the way of us reigniting what we have at a later time.

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