Approaching someone who has depression

[Levdan]

Hello! I was looking for a chance to get some outside perspective on yet another of all the "So I've met this girl" types of story. Only, there haven't been very many of those stories for me. Plenty of one-offs, but embarrassingly lacking in anything stable or lasting. So yea, thanks in advance to anyone who has the patience to read through this and maybe give some thoughts!

 

So I've met this girl. It didn't start out that way. She started as a volunteer about a year ago in an organisation that I work for. So in a way I guess you could say I'm her boss, but not really. We both work as volunteers during the actual activities, I just get paid to take care of all the boring behind-the-scenes stuff. I liked her from the start. Not as in being particularly attracted, just a general nice vibe. She's a quiet sort, in many ways an absolute polar opposite to myself. She quickly turned out to be really good at the work we do in our organisation, and as the months ticked by and we met during the activities I gradually found her to be a very clever and funny woman. And somehow it just sort of snuck up on me - I caught myself really looking forward to the next time we'd meet. That sort of thing. Also, I noticed that she is distractingly gods damn hot. I didn't think about it that much to start with, but of course now I can't un-see it. Then at one point a while ago, she noticed that I do climbing for a sport, which led to her getting some gear for herself and now we do that together once a week.

 

I imagine that to those more experienced among you this all seems like "So why's he hesitating and asking for advice about this?". Well, for one, like I said. I'm simply not very experienced in this field. I'm also generally in a position of leadership and authority, and I've noticed over the years that this tends to make it really gods damn difficult to make any person I talk to understand that I can in fact be uncertain about stuff. At least here no one has any preconceived notions. So, here's the thing. She's told me that she's been dealing with depression and can often find social situations to be quite taxing. It's still an ongoing thing that she's working on coming back from - it took a bit of a bad turn a while before she joined my organisation. So really, I think I'd just like to throw my perspective and approach out there and maybe get some feedback from people who have some experience - personal or otherwise - about issues like this. I can feel myself becoming attracted to her, but I want to think this through.

 

Of course, the first thing is that I don't want to push her. I know the talk about friend-zones and don't wait too long and all that, but to my inexperienced mind that doesn't seem applicable. Instead, I want to simply go with the fact that we are slowly becoming more close as it is. In a lot of ways, it feels really good for me. She's been dealing with all that heavy stuff, and yet she wants to keep on meeting once a week and it feels very natural. We talk about all kinds of stuff, but can also just sit quietly together for a little while between climbs. We started by joining a group, but then at one time it was just the two of us, and somehow we've never gotten around to explicitly inviting anyone else since then. Then there are little things that's been seeping in these last few weeks - high-fives and hugs after a successful climb, discussing a particular course while standing so close that our arms touch, lingering eye contact when we're talking sometimes. All very small and silly things, but I notice because it wasn't there before. We tease each other, have some running in-jokes and she doesn't seem put off when I throw in some mild flirting. When something fun happens I've taken to sometimes spontaneously send her a message about it and we'll trade a few texts. Every now and then we go out for a coffee. Occasionally she will need a break for a while, saying she needs some time to herself, and she draws some lines on how often she wants to meet, but she always comes back. Maybe I'm just being selfish, because I've started to enjoy her company so much, but it's never felt weird or anything to me. When she first told me outright about her depression, it actually felt like a good moment, at least from my perspective. And for my egotistical part, she has a sort of calming effect on me, which I think is actually really good for me. I'm always on the front line in my work, running around meeting people and doing stuff, but that night every week when we go climbing is like a small oasis of relaxed calmness for me. She's excellent at the volunteer work we do and she's told me that she thinks I'm good at making people feel appreciated for stuff like that. I don't know, but I just like to think that that carries a little bit of extra weight, given what she's dealing with.

 

So to make a long story short (too late), I'm becoming attracted to her but I'm thinking I should have patience and give it some real time. Don't push for meeting more often, don't make any sudden moves, don't try to show that I have game. Just keep doing what we're doing for a while. Show her (and maybe tell her outright?) that sure, she may think social situations and such is often a strain and of course I can't have any opinions about what she finds difficult - but I enjoy her company just as it is. And that if she feels like she would like to hang out more and see what happens, but not right now because there's so much to deal with, I don't mind taking it easy and waiting. I've done the ONS thing and this chase would feel a million times more worth it than any of those. To those of you who have more experience with issues like this, does it seem like I've gotten hold of the right end of the stick here?

[preraph]

I have been through major depression that lasted years, and I see great hope in the way she is coping with it. Of course we don't know what type of depression she has. Mine was situational, not chronic. Some poor people are chronically depressed, even when there is no good reason for it. It sounds like she is really functioning well, and she struck a cord with me, because volunteering was the one thing I did right during my depression. It gave me something to talk about if a friend I hadn't fully ran off should call. Made me feel good. Helped my self-esteem. Exercise was the other thing that really helped me, so I think it's great you guys are climbing.

 

If she has times she can't deal with people, that's normal for depression and it's also normal for bipolar. If there is any chance she might be bipolar, they can go from jubilant to avoidant and very dark in a hurry. Don't know that's the case.

 

Anyway, she seems to be doing very well for someone with depression, so maybe if it's not chronic, she will come out of it soon. She's very high-functioning. Most of them want to stay in bed and/or isolate.

 

You might ask her if her social challenges stop her from dating next time you are near the subject. I think the way your temperament is that you are someone who can maybe weather the dark times with her. Unlike so many who write on this board, and perhaps understandably, they get very insecure and try to hang on tighter and take it personally. You seem to be cool, calm and collected about it all, so I think if she is ever going to consider going out with anyone, it should be you.

 

I would broach the subject and just ask if she has the capacity to date these days. I mean, she sort of is already, but it's true it's a different animal when it's just friends.

 

When I began coming out of my depression, I was as raw as a stripped twig emotionally, overly emotional, and I felt so vulnerable, like I had no defenses, like I would be as easily squashed as a bug on the sidewalk. Just very defenseless and raw. And before I was the strongest person I knew. So she may undergo some personality changes during all this. She might feel too vulnerable to give her heart to you. I don't know what her story is, but she may have some big hurdles to overcome. But as I said, she is functioning very well and able to talk about it and able to go do things and keep company with you, so I am hopeful that she may be willing to date. I wouldn't wait forever to make your intentions known, because once a woman gets used to being "just friends," it's hard to come back from that.

 

Keep flirting and maybe something spontaneous will happen sometime. Wait for her birthday or your birthday and ask for a birthday kiss. And next time she opens up, as if she is able to date. If so, try not to get too nervous or heavy and say, Well, it sounds like I better buy some new socks and plan a real date, doesn't it, before someone else snaps you up? Then maybe her reaction somewhere along the line will clarify if she is interested in your that way, but the flirting seems promising so far. Good luck!

[Levdan]

Hey, thanks for the reply!

 

I'm not sure whether it's chronic or not, I've not pushed for talking more about it other than when she brings it up herself. I figured that she felt comfortable enough to explain about how it is right now and is happy that I know about it, but want to focus on other things when we're together. I think I would. I don't think she's bipolar - for one I think she would have told me and for another she's very even in her demeanor.

 

We actually had one point this summer where I think I pushed too hard. We were talking about having a picknick and our conversations had started to float into more personal territory, but then she withdrew from me. But I thought it through and decided that she trusted me enough to let me know about what's going on with her. If she might actually have some deeper feelings for me I'm not going to be discouraged by one setback. So I backed off a little, did a bit of a reset back to an earlier stage and she came back and it's after that that those small and silly things I mentioned seeped in. I figure she can't have been completely disgusted with the idea of me! So now I'm thinking I should take it easy with the way things are going for a week or two, and then see if maybe she wants to do something more. I'm thinking something really simple and relaxed, like maybe just first ask if she'd like to go for a walk for no reason other than the company. It's something we've talked about both enjoying, walking around with no particular aim, so I think it might be good. Give her an easily available exit if needed, give us something to do when quiet (just walk) and give me a chance to let her know something of how I feel about her and ask if I should indeed get a pair of clean socks.

 

Thanks a lot for sharing your perspective and for the encouragement!

[preraph]

I would offer one more avenue you might gain her trust through. I always took care of myself, never leaned on anyone but my parents, you know, and was 40 when my big depression happened. What no one seemed to understand is how hard it was for me to make daily decisions during that time because I've always been beyond decisive and always knew what I want and when. But I was struggling with day to day things back then and no one offered help because they knew me as the strong one. Every little thing that came up was just a heavy burden to me, whether it was a running toilet or deciding whether I wanted to go pick up takeout. It just all piled on, simple things, car trouble, not feeling up to arguing with the cable company or whatever, household chores. And right in the middle of it, I had to deal with two different relative's estates, but the worst of that was deciding what to do with my dad. I would have been so grateful if someone had stepped in and said "Is there anything I can do for you? Can I make some phone calls for you to get prices on home care and nursing homes and check references?

 

She may not have this issue, but you might always keep your ear open in case she mentions something she has to deal with and just volunteer to help with it. "Why don't you let me send my plumber over? He's a great guy." That sort of thing. Offer to mow the lawn, just anything to take stress off and show that your intentions are good.

[Levdan]

That's a good point. It's true that it's often the small everyday things that count in the end. I get the impression that she has really great support from her family, so she can focus her energy away from stuff like that, but I'll definitely keep your advice in mind! I'll also keep it in mind when I tell her that I like her, so I remember that I can't expect her to decide what she wants to say right away. She's already given me quite a lot simply by being such a pleasant and relaxing company, I just hope I can return the favor.

Edited October 2, 2016 by Levdan