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Does he really want to be friends?


mpadilla88

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So I dated this one guy I met online for a few months (we ended things a month or so ago). We're now friends because he said he wanted to be friends, and in the beginning after that things were going okay. We were still talking as regularly as we did while we were dating, but things began to change slowly. Now I'm the one initiating contact and he doesn't even ask how my day was, how was work, etc. Now he does text me back, which is a good thing, but I've noticed that he's spending more time on Facebook than texting me back. Tonight is no exception, and maybe he does need his space, but for me personally, if you're going to be on Facebook you might as well send a text back. And on that subject, he hasn't even responded to my last text and is still on Facebook. (And he's not busy, he's watching a football game on tv.)

Now I'm not sure what to do about him. Should I confront him and tell him my grievances, or move on?

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It appears to me that your expectation of him is much higher than the average friendship. thing is, if you're going to be friends your contact with him will drop substantially.

 

Now, I don't know what your friendships are like, but I would imagine you probably catch up somewhere in the realms of weekly or monthly (With the exception of your BFF who you may speak to more often. Assuming you're finished with high school and college, you'll probably find that you and your friends mostly don't message each other on FB. I've got dear friends who I see possibly 2-3 times per year. The fact that we aren't in each other's pockets doesn't mean that we don't want to be friends.

 

You need to forget what he was like as a boyfriend and only expect the amount of contact you'd have with any other casual friend. You ask if you should confront him with your grievances. I ask you in return "would you confront any other friend who didn't contact you daily to ask about your day?" I hope the answer is "no"

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It appears to me that your expectation of him is much higher than the average friendship. thing is, if you're going to be friends your contact with him will drop substantially.

 

Now, I don't know what your friendships are like, but I would imagine you probably catch up somewhere in the realms of weekly or monthly (With the exception of your BFF who you may speak to more often. Assuming you're finished with high school and college, you'll probably find that you and your friends mostly don't message each other on FB. I've got dear friends who I see possibly 2-3 times per year. The fact that we aren't in each other's pockets doesn't mean that we don't want to be friends.

 

You need to forget what he was like as a boyfriend and only expect the amount of contact you'd have with any other casual friend. You ask if you should confront him with your grievances. I ask you in return "would you confront any other friend who didn't contact you daily to ask about your day?" I hope the answer is "no"

Maybe I am expecting too much. But I have had issues with guys who have just wanted to be friends after dating in the past, and I think my previous experiences with that sort of thing have caused me to expect better of someone who's said "let's just be friends".

I wouldn't necessarily get after a friend who didn't check up on me, but then again I've never had an issue with it. Most of my friends have, at some point, asked how my day was or how I'm doing. It's not something I ask for often, just every once in a while. It would be nice, at least, for him to ask, not every day mind you, but occasionally.

Also, I'm rather fed up with guys just wanting to be friends after dating for a while, it feels like I'm doing something wrong or just basically unattractive or uninteresting

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I agree you're expecting too much of him as a friend. Now, I do not like it that he seems uninterested in how you are, what you're doing, and to me, that's not a friend worth keeping. But to expect a steady line of communication from someone who "just wants to be friends" is unrealistic. I email my best friend maybe once a week and only see her maybe once every few weeks because we're both busy working and keeping our households together. My ex that I am just friends with, I see him maybe once a year and sometimes it's with a group including his wife, and then he checks in with me about once a month or every six weeks perhaps, but when he does we are mutually asking about each other's well-being and jobs and life, etc.

 

Anyway, don't just keep hoping he'll come back as something more because he's not very plugged in to you, I'm afraid.

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I agree you're expecting too much of him as a friend. Now, I do not like it that he seems uninterested in how you are, what you're doing, and to me, that's not a friend worth keeping. But to expect a steady line of communication from someone who "just wants to be friends" is unrealistic. I email my best friend maybe once a week and only see her maybe once every few weeks because we're both busy working and keeping our households together. My ex that I am just friends with, I see him maybe once a year and sometimes it's with a group including his wife, and then he checks in with me about once a month or every six weeks perhaps, but when he does we are mutually asking about each other's well-being and jobs and life, etc.

 

Anyway, don't just keep hoping he'll come back as something more because he's not very plugged in to you, I'm afraid.

Yeah, at this point I'm not expecting anything special to happen, and I'm coming to terms with that. Of course I still like him a little but this the recent experiences have soured me and as a result my feelings for the most part have changed.

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Right. Well, you're smart enough that now your feelings are waning as you get to know him better and find he isn't what you'd hoped.

It's unfortunate, really, but things really do happen for a reason. I'll still keep communicating with him, however it won't be as much as it was before. And I think it's best to start focusing on other stuff.

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I tried to put myself in his place and thought. If I were the girl was really interesting and I would have cherished her all my free time I have spent on it. But people are different, maybe it's his way of showing their independence.

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He might be talking to another girl so that's where his focus is at right now. A lot of people only do daily/frequent texting with a person they're dating, "friends" not so much.

 

Similar thing happened to me with a girl I dated. We decided to be friends, and it went fine for a while, contact was almost the same as when we were dating, until I noticed at some point I became the only one who was initiating everything. I could go for weeks without texting her, and she wouldn't send me anything if I didnt.

I think she met a new guy, so she obviously would rather be texting him (a potential love interest) all day than me. (just a friend)

 

It sucks but you have to accept that the connection you had with him is gone. Like the other posters said, you're not that close anymore. Expect the friendship to eventually turn into just texting a couple of times a month, maybe even less.

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I tried to put myself in his place and thought. If I were the girl was really interesting and I would have cherished her all my free time I have spent on it. But people are different, maybe it's his way of showing their independence.

 

I asked him (after we ended things, of course) if there was something that interested him originally when we first got acquainted, and he said I just looked cute and there wasn't much on my Timder profile. (Now there's more.) not sure if that meant anything.

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He might be talking to another girl so that's where his focus is at right now. A lot of people only do daily/frequent texting with a person they're dating, "friends" not so much.

 

Similar thing happened to me with a girl I dated. We decided to be friends, and it went fine for a while, contact was almost the same as when we were dating, until I noticed at some point I became the only one who was initiating everything. I could go for weeks without texting her, and she wouldn't send me anything if I didnt.

I think she met a new guy, so she obviously would rather be texting him (a potential love interest) all day than me. (just a friend)

 

It sucks but you have to accept that the connection you had with him is gone. Like the other posters said, you're not that close anymore. Expect the friendship to eventually turn into just texting a couple of times a month, maybe even less.

 

We still talk regularly, some days it's not as frequent. Again though, I realize I have to focus on other things, like passing the GMAT, but I can't study 24/7.

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