Not sure what's going on, I'm in a totally new environment/situation.

[ColtonCM]

I apologize, this post blurs some of the categories. It's mostly about friends with benefits, but also about feeling lost in life at the moment. Being in a totally new environment is both literal and figurative for me at the moment. I tend to type a lot because I type really fast, so I'm sorry about the length of this post, if you don't read it, I guess it won't bother me because you probably won't respond.

 

Basic details: I'm a 23 year old male, just finished university with a degree in biochemistry.

 

Slightly more than basic details: My passion for biochemistry ran out around junior year, I thought that my passion for science was being inspired by the heavens, so I decided to transition my last year onto a more astronomy-bound path. I was successful in this. I was accepted into a summer internship program that paid me very well and allowed me to do some original astronomy research that produced very good results. I was also accepted into a Masters program in San Diego. The original plan was to get the Masters in Astronomy, and then pursue a PhD in Astronomy, where I would go on and then pursue the career as a professional astronomer and professor. Basically - stay in academia.

 

To make a long story short, my undergraduate experience mostly sucked. My first year is remembered only by a horrendous breakup with my first love (we all know how that goes), my second year was recovery, my third year was probably the best. I studied abroad in Japan and had some of the best experiences of my life, but also made some mistakes in the love scene too. The summer between 3rd and 4th year, I went back to Japan and dates the girl I wanted to date the whole time I was over there the first time, but she broke things off with me when I came back, and that derailed the rest of my year.

 

My school was a quarter school, so things moved fast, especially with a science degree. The endless stress of deadlines, exams, etc always got to me, particularly because I never felt like I was on the same level as my peers or as intelligent as them. I had mad impostor syndrome the whole time.

 

Well fast forward to the present:

 

I did this astronomy research this summer. When that ended I had about 2 and a half weeks of dead time back in my home state. While just laying there, this girl that I've known only in name and face since high school messages me out of the blue, like literally we've never even spoken a word in person to each other, but we were FB friends all those years. She says she wants to come up and hang out with me and she does.

 

For the next two and a half weeks before San Diego, I spend most of my time with this girl. I develop feelings (I'm definitely more of the serious relationship type). I then find out that she's sort of this free spirit. She really likes sex (which is great, because my relationships until now have been boring on that front). She's attracted to girls too, but only physically, she doesn't ever feel like she could be emotionally attached to one.

 

So I eventually spill my feelings out to here. At this point in my life I'm comfortable confidently expressing myself like that to a person I'm interested in. She says she's surprised by how quickly someone can be certain they want to date someone else. I think this is strange, because in my experience that light between two people is usually obvious pretty quickly. I've personally never slowly developed feelings for a person until having a desire to be with them, although I acknowledge people are different so it must be possible.

 

Well anyways, we keep hanging out, and having good sex, and she says that she wants to "learn" from me. I ask what this means, and she says she's drawn to my intelligence but not just because its intelligence, but also because I'm humble about how intelligent I am. But she definitely says she doesn't want to rush things on the relationship front. Okay, that's fine with me. At this point in my life I've been on and off through depression for so long that I'm willing to try a new experience, even if its a friends with benefits type thing.

 

So, one weekend we got out partying. We have sex both nights we spend together. Then later the next day, after dropping me off, she ends up at her old exes place and they sleep together. At first I'm sad and a bit devastated because I have feelings, but then I realize that I knew what I was getting myself into and I walk myself back from sadness and end up being kinda okay with it (I know this is weird, but I'm just trying new things at this point because I want to see what I learn from it as well).

 

She insists she has no emotional attachment to her ex. She has also made it clear that in a relationship, she would want to be open about sexuality, like being able to sleep with other people but only be emotionally committed to the person you are actually "with." At this point, I'm even okay with trying this.

 

I know, I know, get to the point you're saying.

 

Well, I had to leave to San Diego to come start school. I thought I ****ed up everything with this girl by coming on too strong and voicing my sadness at her having sex with another person. Prior to that she said she'd visit me in SD, I didn't believe her, I thought she was just saying it to be friendly.

 

I get to SD and I realize I can't sustain myself and go to grad school at the same time (I'm financially on my own. No family is coming to the rescue here). So I drop out of grad school which is a big deal to me. It was the only "future" I envisioned myself in. Now I'm just Ubering/Lyfting full-time to support myself, which is honestly pretty sweet because I make my own hours and get paid well. Its also not mentally challenging, and after four years of hardcore stress and whatever ****ing damage that did to my mind (I noticed in the first week of grad school I just couldn't learn anything new, my ability to concentrate had been completely shot), so it will allow me to "repair" the damage done by that stress over time, so long as I figure out how to manage it properly.

 

Well, lo and behold, she keeps talking to me, a lot. Like all throughout the day over various forms of social media and texts, and even phone calls. We've video chatted for like 3-4 hours one sitting. And within a few days, she booked her plane ticket to come see me, even used her 2 paid vacation days at her new job to make her weekend 4 days to have more time out here. I know she's not taking advantage of me, because she's paying for everything, even offered to pay for all my own expenses! I obviously said I wouldn't let her do that, but still, I know she isn't trying to manipulate me for any materialistic reasons. She knows I'm struggling out here to get situated in a new city and state, and she knows I'm in this weird transition period of my life where I'm finally not actually on a career path like I always have been.

 

She tells me things that I'm not used to hearing. Like, she wants to relieve my sexual tension by giving me good sex, which is pretty awesome even though I am a bit confused. If I'm allowed to speak honestly since we are over the internet, she's totally beautiful. Like, until it actually happened, I believed a girl like her was way out of my league. I'm not unattractive, I just don't possess the personality or social skills that are capable of easily finding partners. I'm shy and introverted, and even if I'm decent looking, its hard to find people when you can't even order a coffee without sounding awkward.

 

So she's coming to visit in two weeks. I don't know how to treat her. I don't know if we're friends with benefits or something more, even if its still before boyfriend/girlfriend. I know it must sound stupid because I included that bit about her sleeping with her ex, but there are other details that definitely make me think she's interested in me as more than just a FWB.

 

- The first night she ever met me in person and came out with me, she brought her best friend. The non-party animal, socially awkward, video gamer, already-married-to-the-guy-she-met-in-high-school best friend. The type of best friend that was the person she went and cried to when she finally lost her virginity and felt terrible about it best friend. For contrast, the second weekend we went out together it was with a group of her "crazy" party-animal friends who do drugs and drink all the time and get into wild sexual adventures. And her best friend that came with her doesn't even drink, yet she agreed to go with her. And to add to it, they both still live in our home town which is an hour and a half away from where I was, and they drove all that way for this first "date."

- Typically FWBs that meet solely with the goal of being FWBs won't open up to each other on deeper levels, but we've already basically shared our life stories, all the best and worst bits, and we've done this in totally genuine ways, and we continue to share those parts of ourselves with each other in each of our conversations.

- She let me hang out with her at her house, where she lives with her mom and younger brother. Her mom is even coming out with her to visit, although she's going to be off doing her own things here in SD while me and her do our own thing.

- She's constantly trying to help me with my confidence issues because we both know that I'm intelligent and attractive, but my own insecurities/lack of confidence prevents me from seeing it most of the time. I have pretty wild mood swings on this subject.

- She always brings up the, "I just like to know for sure that someone is right for me before dating them officially. Like how would I know they aren't a completely different person two or three months later and it all goes to ****?" line.

- She does sweet things for me. Today she cleverly figured out my address over here and ordered me a pizza because she knew I was hungry. I don't know, but if I were to try a true FWB thing I don't think I'd get on that level.

- Likewise, in my mind FWBs would keep intimacy outside of sex off-limits, but after we have sex we do all the normal **** couples would do like cuddle for hours on end and talk about deep stuff.

 

And the real kicker.....

 

Since I dropped out of grad school, she brought up that her job transfer offers a switch to Ventura, CA, and has said that we should save up and move to Ventura together, maybe after like six months or so, so we can both build our savings a bit more.

 

At first I was delighted at the prospect, but I don't know if I should do it if the feelings are going to remain so ambiguous.

 

Now, onto some reasons that point that she is NOT interested me as anything more than a friend:

 

- I was telling her about my housemate who is this 37 year old female who is pretty attractive, and how she made a comment about the pizza being ordered being "sweet" and how she wishes her boyfriend would do that, and the girl said, "Haha, she thinks we're dating." To be completely honest and fair, we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend yet, I know and accept that. Though, I was sort of led to believe that we are "dating" in the sense that we are trying each other out to see if we are right for each other. She said as much before I left Colorado. To paraphrase, "I like being open with these things, not to rush. Rushing is bad." I replied by saying, "So we're just friends with benefits? If so, just say it so I know the boundary." Then she said, "No we're more... I like dating. It takes time to know for sure."

 

So after that text about my roommates comment, I said, "I thought we were dating... just 'loosely.' Like, we're not officially boyfriend and girlfriend but we're seeing if that would work." She just changed the subject quickly and never addressed that text, because there was another conversation we were in the middle of, so she chose to just continue that one and drop the more serious one.

 

So here's the position I'm in.

 

I'm in a new city and a new state. I dropped out of grad school which was, until now, the only thing defining me as a person outside of my hobbies. This doesn't help my confidence issues. I'm a serious relationship guy, and I just feel like an attractive partner won't find me attractive if I'm not always on a career hustle. I know I need a year or more to repair the damage that was done to my mind in undergraduate, so I feel confident in that. I just don't want to be in a two-year deadzone with intimacy. That's why I'm so afraid of ruining this thing with this girl.

 

I honestly do want to move in with her, but I'm not sure what that means. Does that mean she's really thinking she'll eventually trust me enough to date me, or does that mean we're going to find a two bedroom place and I'll have to go through the torture of seeing her bring other partners home?

 

If I'm being totally honest, that wouldn't bother me if I could do the same... like bring partners home all the time whenever I wanted. She's literally a 9/10 or a 10/10 by my physical standards, and every time we go anywhere men are always breaking their necks looking at her. Its literally the easiest thing in the world for her to find any sort of partner she wants for the evening. Me... not so much. Honestly, people tell me I'm on the upper end of attractiveness but I don't feel that way, maybe because of confidence issues. But even if they're being honest about that, I don't know how to find "just sex" partners. I've never done it. It happened once, and I wasn't the one who initiated it, it was the girl. And it was a one time thing.

 

And that's another reason I'm perhaps deceiving myself into thinking she's actually interested in me in a serious way, like why would she waste all this time with me when she could go find someone just as intelligent, humble, and better looking just as easily? I don't know what to think to be honest.

 

I guess I just need general advice on life and how to handle this situation.

 

Honesty I really like this girl's personality, its not just the wild sex we have that attracts me to her. If I didn't like her personality I think this would be a lot easier. And I'm not in the dumps yet, I still feel like I'm definitely in a better place than I was in undergrad.

 

Should I... throw up a wall and try and shoot down any feelings I get for her as soon as I feel them? Would that be the healthiest thing to do considering all the indicators she's given me? Or should I just keep bringing these feelings up? I feel like if I do that, it will scare her away. The interesting thing is I think she knows I like her as relationship material, but after I got upset that she slept with her ex, I tried to reassure her and said that I wouldn't get attached anymore and that we could continue on as "we were," whatever that was. I wasn't lying at the time. I was hit really hard by her sleeping with her ex for like all of a day or two, and then when I got over it I felt really confident about getting over it and trying this "open sexuality" thing. The main reason I don't feel that way anymore is I dropped out of school and I guess I'm not social so I don't really see a way for me to meet other girls. I try Tinder, but honestly it just depresses me because I only get one match for like very 300 girls I swipe yes too, so I stopped using it because it hurts my confidence.

 

Should I keep reiterating my feeling so she knows where I stand, and then see where she tries to move after knowing?

 

I'm afraid that if I lose her (whatever it is we have anyways), I'll basically be in an intimacy dead zone for god knows how long, because I don't have a plan right now. I'm just going to save money, independently study for grad school, and go back when I feel the time is right, whenever that may be.

 

At the same time, I don't know if we can do whatever it is we are doing. Honestly I need her body right now, as bad as that sounds (just remember that up above I admitted her personality is really a highlight to me as well). I need the sexual experiences she gives me because I'm not sure I'll ever get that with anyone else.

 

I'm trapped on this tightrope where I feel like I can break this barrier and be comfortable with whatever it is we have if I just somehow mentally commit to it, and get excited about "leaving my comfort zone" so to speak. And then there is always the most dangerous of reasons for wanting to try things like this - the hope that one day it will turn into more than just an ambiguous thing. She tells me she likes me, and like you read above, there are indicators she actually does. I doubt she'd be so serious about moving in with me if she thought it would be a terrible experience, and what's more, she knows I'm a sensitive individual, a sort of generic "nice guy" so to speak. She's not a completely psychotic ******* (I guess I haven't really known her long enough to tell), so I doubt she's doing this for some sort of sick and twisted amusement. Even if that were the case, I would lose all feelings immediately if I found that out, so that doesn't scare me.

 

Sorry, I've typed way too much. I'm alone in SD with not really any set schedule, and I just need to ease my mind and use this post as a journal so to speak.

 

If any of you can skim this, or god forbid read all of it, and offer your two cents that would be much appreciated. I know its organized badly, its just there's a lot going on and its hard to adequately put it into words.

[LadySunshine]

It seems like quite an experience that you have had with this girl. I can understand that you are feeling confused and unsure of how to proceed with this situation. It is not easy when you have feelings for someone who is being ambiguous about how they feel about you.

I can honestly say that there will always be indicators that a girl likes you unless she is an awful person you will always be able to read a girl being friendly as her liking you as more than just friends.

From a girl’s perspective if she really likes a guy, no matter how he looks or how he acts, she will show it to him. It is really hard for most girls to hide their feelings.

I know that a friend of mine liked me a few years ago. He was a really nice guy, really not bad looking and also low on the confidence side. The more attention he gave me the more I enjoyed chatting to him over social media and honestly, I am ashamed to admit, I even started flirting with him like this. I enjoyed spending time with him, but my heart always kept him at arms length because I was unsure of weather or not I really liked him in a more relationship type way or not. I tried to like him in that way because I felt safe with him and I knew that he would be good to me and always treat me like a princess. I even brought him a souvenir after a trip I went on. All very good reasons for him to have come to the conclusion that I wanted to be more than just friends. Finally I came to a point where I had to be honest with him and ended it.

Is it possible that this girl feels comfortable and safe with you? If so could this be her reasons for always keeping contact and showing interest in you? I know that a lot of girls sometimes use the “nice guys” because they know that these guys won’t hurt them. Can this be the situation that you are in?

Also are you really willing to compromise what you want in a relationship because you believe that you won’t get someone else?

I really do believe there are good girls out there who adore guys like you and will make you feel secure in the relationship. I made a mistake with one guy but I found the right intelligent, quiet guy for me and am so in love.

Praying for you

[VeveCakes]

My thoughts are.....no she does not want a relationship. She has said this many times. You have spent enough time together and been intimate enough that she would know if you were bf material. She sounds totally flaky and avoidant. Not capable of relationships. This arrangement will bring you endless heartbreak.

 

There are LOTS of 10s out there. Many who will think you are the best thing since sliced bread and want to date you and only you. Don't accept an open relationship simply because you think you won't find anyone else. You will find someone else. You will not be happy in this arrangement because it isn't you. You shouldn't have to "try" to be ok with things just to see if you can tolerate it. Stand up for what you believe in, and stick to that. You will be wayyyy happier in the long run.

 

I don't even think her visiting is a good idea, and HELL NO to living together. Sounds like she wants help paying the bills and a room mate she can trust and **** when she wants. Thats not love. Thats convenience.

[Gloria25]

She's a skank and a user...

 

Why do guys elevate a pig on a pedestal?

 

Again, I have no game

 

BTW, you're 23. Don't let the first piece of exotic butt go to your head. You'll meet more women. Luckily you might meet one who has passion for only one man "you" and isn't a user.

Edited September 14, 2016 by Gloria25

[ColtonCM]

She's a skank and a user...

 

Why do guys elevate a pig on a pedestal?

 

Again, I have no game

 

BTW, you're 23. Don't let the first piece of exotic butt go to your head. You'll meet more women. Luckily you might meet one who has passion for only one man "you" and isn't a user.

 

I'm not being used though... like at all.. Financially or materially anyways. So there's that.