One openly gay friend, the other straight

[bluebell]

Ok so I have been friends with this guy for over a year and a half now. In my mind, he is amazing - we get along so well, same interests, same humour, he makes me smile and feel really happy - things between us are just.... easy.

 

I really like him but there's one major problem. He is gay!

 

I have always known this, fully respected it and as a result - put my feelings aside and never seen myself as anything other than a friend.

 

Recently though, we seem to have become closer and I just don't know if it's just a natural progression in our friendship or - if he is trying to tell me something. Or perhaps, I am just looking for something that isn't there - I just don't know.

 

I have other male friends and whilst we get on, to me there are obvious boundries - I don't see anything there. However, with him it's different. I'll give you an example.

 

In a bar, if I am talking to someone else he will watch over me constantly. If I make eye contact, he always smiles back and carries on chatting but he will look back and watch me again. When we are together, he's always stands so close to me - just like a couple would. Whether it's an arm or a leg, he will always be touching me and keeping contact.

 

It's all minor things, little comments that get me thinking.... what if. If he was straight, I would definitely think he likes me. It's almost like there's something there, a tension, a spark but we're both too scared to say anything. Because he's openly gay - it confuses me.

 

I've overheard him once telling someone that he could be tempted by the right girl. Maybe this was just a passing comment - I don't know.

 

I do really like him and it's messing with my head. However, I would rather enjoy something special and for him to be happy - even with someone else - than spoil an amazing friendship.

 

Please can someone tell it to me straight - am I being ridiculous here?

[salparadise]

I've overheard him once telling someone that he could be tempted by the right girl. Maybe this was just a passing comment - I don't know.

 

I do really like him and it's messing with my head. However, I would rather enjoy something special and for him to be happy - even with someone else - than spoil an amazing friendship.

 

Please can someone tell it to me straight - am I being ridiculous here?

 

Maybe you ARE the right girl. Perhaps you'd enjoy the conquest of turning a gay guy straight, or the excitement and closeness of being more than friends with your gay best friend... as long as you'd not be jealous of what he does with HIS gay best friends.

 

There is nothing to be gained in crossing boundaries here. Gay best friends are valuable commodities. As are boyfriends who aren't doing other men.

[bluebell]

I have no intention of trying to change him, I like him for who he is. I also don't see him as a conquest or a status symbol - I know some women can be like "Oh check me out with my gay best friend".

 

To me he is someone special who I care about in a way that I would put his feelings above mine. I would be and have been jealous about him dating - it hurts for sure. But I have and would continue put my feelings aside and be happy for him - if that's what he wants.

Edited August 22, 2016 by bluebell

[jen1447]

It could be he's actually bisexual. That's much more rare in men than women IME but it happens. (It's not uncommon for self-identified lesbian or hetero women to go around yearning for the other side while not acknowledging it openly, but usually guys are one or the other and for the most part know it.)

 

If there's a 'thing' going on between you - attraction subtext etc. - well that just doesn't normally happen between friends. When was the last time you had whimsical thoughts about your best friend, know what I mean? No one goes around thinking how awesome their friend is, they're just there, doing the friend thing. You don't eyeball your friends and grin at them knowingly. You don't yearn to stand close to them or any of that.

 

Why don't you just ask him?

[Miss Peach]

I've noticed that when men care they are often protective of women. For example it could be a sister, a good friend, a GF, etc.

[preraph]

Gayness is a sliding scale, but what you have to keep in mind is if they're really more into men most of the time, they're going to miss that if they try to be with a woman in a committed relationship and I feel it won't last as long.

 

No, he's not just saying it. He means he likes some women. My friend Steve, I knew for years, and was good friends with and he had a live-in BF for most of those years. He told me once he liked women with huge boobs. I didn't think much of it. But he moved away and lo and behold he married a woman with huge boobs. He wasn't honest with her and didn't tell her he was mostly gay either and then he got restless and started talking to guys online and she found out and cut him off from sex because of fear of disease (which was a real fear at the time). He had bad health (cancer left undetected) and really couldn't do much anyway so he died still with her. He loved her but I think what he liked best about women besides the headlights was the nurturing and all that. But he wanted the excitement of male sex.

 

I had a good gay friend who took me to the fair one year and kept his arm around me and held my hand and everything, and I think we both knew we weren't going to do anything about it, but it was just sweet that he found some little miniscule part of him that liked me that way.

 

You should just ask your friend about it. I've found gay guys to be pretty straightforward about such things and he might say something like "I am attracted to women, but I'll probably end up with a man," or he might say, "I might end up with a woman and have a kid." Just ask .

[bluebell]

I need some help. I posted earlier in the week about trying to figure out if my (possibly bi) guy friend likes me or not.

 

Body language wise - I am thinking he likes me. Get's close all the time, regularly brushes against me, checks himself out, teases, smiles the whole time.

 

Texts daily, meet regularly sometimes very late at night. He occasionally mentions he's not looking for anything at the moment, starting on a friendship might be better.

 

So my questions are:

 

1) Do men usually get this close and personal with a woman who is just a friend?

 

2) If men say they aren't looking at the moment for a relationship - it is a ploy or is it simply that clear cut?

[djgenesis]

Is this man coming out of a marriage or relationship? Sounds like to me he is hesitant to pull the trigger.

 

What do you want? If you are confident and don't like games, then flat out ask him. Some people still play games, no matter how old they are.

 

I recently separated from my wife a few months ago, and am not at the dating scene yet, but I will be. I can only imagine how "fun" that will be (please note the extreme sarcasm there)

 

Good luck to you.

[sharkbite0]

BlueBell,

 

I am a 29 yr. old male.

 

I believe there are a few more questions to ask. Does he have many other female friends? or are you the only one?

 

If he is single, sometimes a person may just crave human touch, the physical aspect isn't anything crazy on his end. I just believe it might be fun for friends.

 

Either way, if you really value the friendship, I would either come out and explain to him how you view your relationship as strictly friendship. Or, if possible...just go with the flow, right now it isn't hurting anyone, unless you feel too awkward with the standing close and touching stuff...then just politely move back a step. Not a big deal, and it would be awkward as hell for him to advance again. if he does.....take another step back.

 

Guys would flat out say "why the f*ck you standing so close?" so maybe a more suttle approach would be appropriate for a woman.

 

Keep us posted, good luck!

[Standard-Fare]

Bluebell, friendships can have great "chemistry" without being sexual. To me, that sounds like your situation. It also sounds like this guy is a naturally affectionate person, at least with you, but I wouldn't read into that too much.

 

Is it possible that maybe the two of you could get blotto drunk one night and sleep together? Sure. And if that's what you want, go for it. But expecting anything more from a declared gay man would be unrealistic.

 

To share a personal story that's very relevant:

 

In my mid-20s my roommate was a gay man. (I'm female.) We had a lot of stuff in common and could really laugh together. We became best friends.

 

Every once in a while he'd mention a sexual curiosity about women. I knew he'd had a few experiences. He would occasionally question whether he was "bisexual," but everything I saw said gay.

 

One night we got really drunk together, we were alone in our house (normally shared with other roommates), and we slept together. To be honest, it was a weird experience. I felt like he was comparing my body to a man's, and I wasn't sizing up.

 

I was fine letting things stop there, but he persisted in trying to continue the experiment. I think we hooked up a couple more times.

 

What got really confusing is that he started telling me he wanted to DATE me, and got angry when I was like "We're just fooling around. At the end of the day, you're gay."

 

Looking back, I truly believe this was the guy's last-ditch effort to cling to a shred of heterosexuality. He'd been conflicted about being gay, he wasn't out with his family, etc. I think he saw me - someone he got along with so well - like "If it's not her, it's no woman."

 

It hurt our friendship. We're on okay terms now, years later, but we lost that closeness we had.