Would love some input, especially from a woman's perspective.

[Tar]

This will be longer than I want, but feel it necessary and would definitely value a woman’s opinion on this matter as well.

 

The circumstances are complex, and I feel the dilemma I am facing is too, but not in the same respect.

 

First and foremost, it’s important to mention that we’re not BF/GF, we’re close and have placed a great deal of trust in one another. At the end of what I’m talking about, I told her I’m not interested in anything platonic with her, period - and will touch on this again, as it’s important to why I’m writing this.

 

A girl I’ve been seeing LD and I had a misunderstanding, I owned up to my end of it all, am a lover and communicator, always willing to listen and grow as a man, to be a better man in general, as well as to the women in my life.

I gave love and plenty of room for her to communicate; during that misunderstanding she disrespected me, swore at me and spoke to me in belittling ways which I communicated that I would never speak to her in such a manner, nor would I tolerate that.

 

My initial response to the needless disrespect was strong, I needed a day after that to give a soft and caring response, the way she attacked me, in that moment rendered me incapable of showing her compassion and care for what she was feeling, her upset and displeasure.

 

I was stone walled for over a week and I felt it very immature on her behalf, I’d communicated in the past that stonewalling is something I will not tolerate, especially with things being somewhat LD and communication and openness being essential.

 

I decided to end things with her because of this and told her this, this of course abruptly ended her stonewalling, we talked for 12 hours straight, 5 of them me being totally silent and genuinely listening.

We decided to give each other space, she said she was hurt.

I of course was too.

 

She said she wanted to contact me, that maybe it’d be around a month.

That’s fine, I know full well the value of space, time, and loving distance and prefer it that way, it gives me extra time to focus on myself and my passions and works.

 

I go by the no-contact rule naturally and would have not contacted her anyway and let her come to me.

 

-back to this note.

We’re not BF/GF or committed to one another, we’re good friends and have placed a great deal of trust in one another.

Yet, she is quite damaged in ways, which I’ve had to be very patient and caring with. I care a lot about this girl and during this misunderstanding she found out through a mutual friend that I am in love with her. That, to be honest upsets me quite a bit, what a lame ****ing way for that to come to surface, that coupled with the fact that she is not in love with me- yet.

That is not something I wanted her to know and wanted to tell her my damn self.

I’m centered in this, don’t care that she knows in most respects, it doesn’t knock me off kilter or anything- that love being unrequited on that level, as after-all that love is mine and comes from me anyway.

 

From a woman’s perspective, do any of you feel this is an issue her knowing this now??

 

She said she wants me to wait for her, that I said I would, which I did… She questioned my love for her with my willingness to walk away, I don’t remember how I responded to this, but it’s funny to me, for what I hope is obvious reasons.

 

This being said, I made it clear at the end of our last conversation, that I was not interested in anything platonic with her, ever. We talked about this, about our sexual openness to one another and not sharing ourselves with other people during this distance or period as long as we have this arrangement.

 

But, I want to break this no contact for the sake of saying to her, that I’d prefer it if she did not contact me at all, unless she for certain wants nothing platonic with me, as I did not set these boundaries and circumstances upon our ceasing to talk and fear I’ve set myself up to potentially be jerked around not doing so and want to correct that.

 

I know what I want. I know what I feel for her, and though there is intense sexual chemistry and closeness between us, I’m truly not interested in just that with her and really, as sex can only go so far without more and would prefer to move on with my life and have her not contact me again if she’s not interested in anything of that nature, we’ve come too far for me to want anything else and have to honor where I’m at, what I need/want and though I fear and hate it, would be more than willing to walk away out of self-respect and love and not look back.

 

This, being my main question; should I wait for her to break the silence to communicate these things? Or do it now? I’m concerned I may make things worse and push her away in doing so and being unfair to her in ways… But really want to put my foot down and take even more control of this situation, being a man and knowing what I need and want.

 

I’m already pretty set in what I plan to do, but always greatly value outside input that may help me make a wiser decision, or go about it more wisely and sensitive to what may work best with her as a woman…

I can be pretty instense at times, so like to take a step back and think and feel deeply.

 

Thank you for reading this, and for any insight, feeling or thoughts you feel you can offer, I’m open to it all, so don’t apologize for any cynicism or thinking I may not want to hear something, be honest, clear and real is all I ask.

 

Thanks again!

Edited July 12, 2016 by Tar
Typos and ****

[NTV]

Dude here. Waiting for a chick never worked for me. Might look sad. I would wait a week or so after she responds and then say something like:

 

 

"Ya know, I wanted to make sure we would be able to be good friends before a relationship, that's why I didn't tell you I like you, and I'm sorry you heard it from dirtbag. But now that the cat's outta the bag, and you haven't spoken to me in a week, I know you don't feel the same way. It doesn't take that long to figure your heart out. So... I'll be moving on and looking for someone else."

 

 

And then move on man.

 

 

I'm recommending this for several reasons:

1) emotions don't last forever. You may feel very strongly for her, but even if you did that feeling ebbs and flows in a relationship.

2) you said she has serious issues. nobody needs that. And the folks that have issues and know they have issues? they need to do the adult thing and seek professional help for those issues. The ones that don't know? hopefully someone will help them.

3) you sound young man. there's a problem with putting someone up on a pedestal---they fall off. you've put this chick on a pedestal and think she is greater than she is. She can do nothing now but let you down no matter what happens you will face disappointment there. But now you know. And it's an easy mistake to make. I don't know a guy who hasn't done it at one point or another.

 

 

Good luck man!

[CarrieT]

Woman here.

 

From a woman’s perspective, do any of you feel this is an issue her knowing this now??

Yep.

 

She said she wants me to wait for her, that I said I would, which I did… She questioned my love for her with my willingness to walk away, I don’t remember how I responded to this, but it’s funny to me, for what I hope is obvious reasons.

Well, she had the power and used it. She wanted you to wait and you did. That was a mistake.

 

This, being my main question; should I wait for her to break the silence to communicate these things?

Nope.

 

But really want to put my foot down and take even more control of this situation, being a man and knowing what I need and want.

Too late.

 

we’ve come too far for me to want anything else and have to honor where I’m at, what I need/want and though I fear and hate it, would be more than willing to walk away out of self-respect and love and not look back.

Honestly, sounds like you are over-dramatizing the whole situation.

 

I’m already pretty set in what I plan to do

You are going to contact her, huh?

 

Thank you for reading this, and for any insight, feeling or thoughts you feel you can offer, I’m open to it all, so don’t apologize for any cynicism or thinking I may not want to hear something, be honest, clear and real is all I ask.

It sounds like both of you are making this much more complicated than it needs to be. One thing I am curious about: Have you ever actually met this girl IN REAL LIFE? I know you said it was LD - is that because you two met online and this is not a relationship where you two don't actually know each other and spent time in each other's company?

[Tar]

I'm in my late 20's, not sure if that's considered young here.

 

I'd never put a woman on a pedestal though, I've dated and know even more women who are intellectually and emotionally inept,- druggies and just straight up boring losers and dead beats. Or just, no fire.

 

I'm actually quite misanthropic at times, have tasted this world at some of its worst, both professionally and inter-personally. Can never put flesh and bone on a pedestal.

 

I ended up speaking what I wanted and walked away.

 

No, I had yet to meet her in person. But we've spent a great deal of time on webcam and voice.

I've done this in the past with women, and had several-year long relationships that ended on and am still on good terms with.

 

Found out she'd racked up a full time jobs worth of video game playing in the past 2 weeks since we last spoke, not putting forth the effort she should to become employed again and better her circumstances and enjoy the things we both like together.

That's a huge turn off to me, that lifestyle is not one conducive to what I want, let alone her and I's passions and her decision to do that does not communicate to me that she wants me enough to face her demons, especially since my strength, understanding and support are available to her.

 

I've been through a lot, and being there, supporting and loving someone with wounds like hers is not an issue for me, so as long as that person wants and tries to heal and grow, I have the experience to hold space and help catalyze and support that process, I'm not feeling this there.

 

We were taking time apart, and in our parting discussed working toward meeting up.

 

I simply can't make a priority, someone whom I am not a priority to. Told her this too.

 

I told her that the conditions under which I'd like her to get back in touch with me has changed, that my coming to see her is all off the table and not to contact me, break her silence unless she wants me and what she wants is aligned with the few simple, meaningful and reasonable things I put forth, that I am walking away and doing my own thing, that if that vibes with her, and is willing to go forth, get in touch, otherwise I'm doing my own thing and not looking back.

[bubbaganoosh]

You never met this girl before and your in love with her. Honestly she's the one using common sense here.

 

When you meet someone on line, live far apart, never once met in person, you, me or anyone can be whoever we want you to be. She could shake her head and agree with everything you say, like the same movies, food, music and everything else and why not. It's not like your ever going to meet and if you do, then all you thought you would see and here isn't there.

 

My advice to you is this. Before you decide to fall in love with a woman....................it would be a good thing to actually meet her. This is a pipe dream and you got caught up in it OK?

 

Lesson learned. You made a mistake so what's the solution. Don't make the same one again. End this thing with her and move on. Friend there's nothing there.

[Tar]

We live 2 hours apart, our relationship is a feasible one in those regards and meeting up not hard, which is why I told her she needs to get a few things straight before I do that, at this point.

 

There are varying degrees and kinds of love, and what I know of her now, I do love, but am not in all ways particularly in love with. I love the being she is, not even particularly the ways she is and can be.

Love doesn't control, effect or influence me the way it does most people I know...

Unfortunately, it doesn't make that person any more beautiful or worth-while to me when I feel those things.

It's from a much more mindful, conscious and centered place. That love is mine, as I stated in a previous reply. My love says more about me than it does her, as I feel love does in general with people. Its ours and more dependent on us, than those we love. (In certain aspects.)

 

These feelings would shift and evolve accordingly to our time together, its fluid and would change in person accordingly to what cannot be accounted for with these circumstances.

 

 

I don't fully trust her, because there truly IS so much she can say and do in certain ways that I wouldn't know otherwise, which is why I need consistency and effort on her part before I even go out there, I'm not seeing or feeling that from her currently and am moving on consequently.

 

Actions speak louder than words and my actions and efforts to move forward with this are not being met or reciprocated in a way that entices me to continue to do so, so am drawing back and walking away, the door is open to her if she is willing to make the efforts I have.

 

I told her not to contact me again unless she feels what I do and wants to make those efforts. As far as I'm concerned, she's dead now. It's up to her to initiate at this point if there is something to come of it.

Edited July 16, 2016 by Tar

[CarrieT]

No, I had yet to meet her in person. But we've spent a great deal of time on webcam and voice.

I've done this in the past with women, and had several-year long relationships that ended on and am still on good terms with.

Doesn't matter.

 

Seriously, Tar - I have been in your shoes. And the truth of the matter is when one starts these "relationships" with someone online and not IN REAL LIFE, one projects a great deal about one's desires, beliefs, and characteristics about who they are talking with.

 

In talking to this girl - or anyone - online, you have a mental projection of how they walk, talk, smell, and believe they should act. And in real life, this rarely comes to fruition the way you want them to.

 

I ended an 11-year relationship with someone I met online and have first-hand experience with this phenomenon. What you want this girl to be will never be. Because you have perceptions in your head based on her words that can never be.

[Lois_Griffin]

No, I had yet to meet her in person. But we've spent a great deal of time on webcam and voice.

Then all this nonsense and drama just doesn't mean much of anything.

 

You're in your late 20's and live TWO HOURS AWAY and still haven't even met her? Sorry, but this says a lot more about YOU than it does her. Who has a supposed 'relationship' on the computer for God knows HOW long and doesn't even get in the car and drive for a couple of hours to meet this person face to face?

I've done this in the past with women, and had several-year long relationships that ended on and am still on good terms with.

Oh..now I get it. This is what you're used to.

Found out she'd racked up a full time jobs worth of video game playing in the past 2 weeks since we last spoke, not putting forth the effort she should to become employed again and better her circumstances and enjoy the things we both like together.

Why should you be surprised? This is how you 'meet' your love interests - wasting time playing online video games and stuff like that.

 

And what things do you both like 'together?' Skype? Video games? Interacting in virtual worlds? Watching YouTube together? Sheesh.

That's a huge turn off to me, that lifestyle is not one conducive to what I want, let alone her and I's passions and her decision to do that does not communicate to me that she wants me enough to face her demons, especially since my strength, understanding and support are available to her.

Pffft. Skype only goes so far. After a while, it's just a face on a screen.

I told her that the conditions under which I'd like her to get back in touch with me has changed, that my coming to see her is all off the table...

LOL. It's TWO FREAKIN' HOURS! You're acting like going to see her is some kind of fantastic 48-hour journey where you'd have to scale mountains and swim oceans and battle dragons, for God's sakes. It's a two hour commute!

 

Seriously, turn the damned computer off and join the real world. I'm getting the distinct impression your entire 'love' life has been conducted via Skype and interactive video games.

[Tar]

Then all this nonsense and drama just doesn't mean much of anything.

 

You're in your late 20's and live TWO HOURS AWAY and still haven't even met her? Sorry, but this says a lot more about YOU than it does her. Who has a supposed 'relationship' on the computer for God knows HOW long and doesn't even get in the car and drive for a couple of hours to meet this person face to face?

 

Oh..now I get it. This is what you're used to.

 

Why should you be surprised? This is how you 'meet' your love interests - wasting time playing online video games and stuff like that.

 

And what things do you both like 'together?' Skype? Video games? Interacting in virtual worlds? Watching YouTube together? Sheesh.

 

Pffft. Skype only goes so far. After a while, it's just a face on a screen.

 

LOL. It's TWO FREAKIN' HOURS! You're acting like going to see her is some kind of fantastic 48-hour journey where you'd have to scale mountains and swim oceans and battle dragons, for God's sakes. It's a two hour commute!

 

Seriously, turn the damned computer off and join the real world. I'm getting the distinct impression your entire 'love' life has been conducted via Skype and interactive video games.

 

Lois, your response is filled with baseless presumptions that totally miss the mark and are not even worth responding to; it makes me wonder if you even really read my posts as well as question your reading comprehension skills if you have read them, as you're finding narrative in my words that was never even implied and is the result of your own poor suppositional reasoning skills.

 

Being in my late 20's and living 2 hours away and not having spent the time and money amid my very busy life where I have to work hard to make ends meet to see a girl whom lives with her mother, doesn't drive is unmotivated and spends a full time jobs worth of hours sitting on her ass playing games doesn't say whatever about me that you think it does.

 

I gave her many chances to come through, she has on certain ends but these ones that matter the most and translate over to the real world, she falls short of what I need and want in a partner and just does not entice me enough to spend that time and money, or love.

 

I'm not a priority to her, nor is improving her economic standing, that's a huge turn off, and I will not enable that kind of lifestyle or make her a priority.

Someone needs to prove themselves in all kinds of ways, especially online, before I take that kind of step, plain and simple.

 

I'll gladly accept whatever you think that says about me.

 

 

 

Doesn't matter.

 

Seriously, Tar - I have been in your shoes. And the truth of the matter is when one starts these "relationships" with someone online and not IN REAL LIFE, one projects a great deal about one's desires, beliefs, and characteristics about who they are talking with.

 

In talking to this girl - or anyone - online, you have a mental projection of how they walk, talk, smell, and believe they should act. And in real life, this rarely comes to fruition the way you want them to.

 

I ended an 11-year relationship with someone I met online and have first-hand experience with this phenomenon. What you want this girl to be will never be. Because you have perceptions in your head based on her words that can never be.

 

 

You're totally right in this and have always been keen to be honest with myself in this way as I've experienced it too. I feel people even experience it in a manner and degree without that, as people tend to let their feelings cloud their judgement of that other person, as well as be unintentionally selfish in the same stroke, not truly seeing and being present with that person because they're too caught up in the feelings going on inside themselves.... Tanta stultitia mortalium est

[NTV]

Yeah, sounds a lot like you just need to cut her loose.

 

 

The webcam relationships can be a lot of fun, and it's easier to know the person for their personality alone that way, so there is some good benefit. That being said, the last one I was in lasted for a few months, and then when I met her in person... I am not sure if I know how to explain it... like because the video wasn't the best quality--my mind assumed her to be more fit than she was, and the disappointment from that was a letdown. We turned out to be good friends, but without having met her in person, I'd still have a mental image of her that made her more than she was.

 

 

Does that kinda make sense?