Did I do something wrong?

[Peachykeen85]

I'm a female. My close platonic male friend of 4 years knows that I'm going through a tough time right now. For the first time he's told me he loves me and that I'm a light in his life. He then asked if I want to come stay with him for a while. (He lives in a different country than I do.) He said he will pay for the ticket and everything and to seriously think about it. I took a day to think about it then said "yes". I haven't heard from him since and that was 4 days ago. I contacted him on the third day and asked if everything is ok and he still didn't answer but I see him active on Facebook. I've never gone this long without talking to him and I just don't know what to think or if I did something wrong.

[Lois_Griffin]

Oh boy.

 

I don't think he actually meant it when he extended the offer to come and stay with him. He probably made the offer thinking you'd never actually take him up on it and you surprised him when you did.

 

Now he's avoiding you because he doesn't know what to say.

[privategal]

I agree. He was being nice in a kinda shallow fake way...thinking you couldnt possibly take him up on it due to logistics etc. He might not be the friend you think he is. Also if he is 'platonic' its interesting that you posted here and not the friendship only forum.

He may sense you are relying on him and getting a little attached and realized perhaps he sent the wrong signals and is backing off.

Either way Id be very leery of the way he is handling this. Id re-evaluate the friendship...dont get attached.

Seems its getting a little gray between you which is always a challenge in male-female friendships.

Cant you rely on your female friends, sisters, gram, aunts, cousins and not be so close with someone of the opposite sex?

It tends to sometimes become a faux boyfriend and might even inhibit you from dating as your investing hope (even sometimes unknowingly) into a guy who isnt really interested.

[Peachykeen85]

I posted here because no one replies when I post in the friends one. Thank you for your reply. We've never been inappropriate or talked about sex or anything and I'm always there for him when girls break his heart and give advice so I don't think he's a faux boyfriend. But I just don't understand why he'd ask me to think about it seriously if he didn't mean it. I'm going through a really tough time right now and I was really happy about his invitation. Now I'm so depressed that he'd do this. It just seems so cruel.

[privategal]

Right...your emotionally the fallback girl whenever he needs that boost.

Its kind of a classic scenario I hate to say.

Are you single by choice the last 4 years?

And again he made a polite offer in a shallow way expecting you to decline.

His true colors are showing.

You can rely on a friend to support you but in reality you also need to find strength and balance within and rely on you because people will always let you down but if you work on your own peace, and your own happiness...just you...you dont fall apart so easy when a storm comes and you dont go into depression when a friend lets you down.

It hurts yes, was cruel yes, but you are toi emotionally attached.

Wait until he has a gf and its one who doesnt allow him to have private phonecalls and emails with a close friend.

Inevitably in you and your friends life things will change with jobs, distance, relationships, marriage...

You might as well take some steps now to tighten your closer circle and take note of the situation he just put you both in. A good friend would have already written, straightened it out, especially if he knew you were going through it.

So...hard lesson learned.

Dont need him or anyone so much...be your own best friend.

No one can do that but you.

Work on you.

Dont work on him.

Hes got his own life.

[anika99]

You have replies to the thread you started on the friends board. As I said on that thread the guy changed his mind and he doesn't know how to tell you so he's just avoiding you. This isn't the first time he's told he loves you. You posted months ago that he told you he loves you. I think when he says it he just means that he really cares about you as a friend but you hope it means he's romantically in love with you.

 

I see you have posted about this guy many times for months wondering what his words mean, trying to figure if he is romantically interested or not. This is not the guy for you. When a man is into romantically he will make sure you know it without question. There won't be all this doubt and trying to read beyond the lines.

[privategal]

You have replies to the thread you started on the friends board. As I said on that thread the guy changed his mind and he doesn't know how to tell you so he's just avoiding you. This isn't the first time he's told he loves you. You posted months ago that he told you he loves you. I think when he says it he just means that he really cares about you as a friend but you hope it means he's romantically in love with you.

 

I see you have posted about this guy many times for months wondering what his words mean, trying to figure if he is romantically interested or not. This is not the guy for you. When a man is into romantically he will make sure you know it without question. There won't be all this doubt and trying to read beyond the lines.

You nailed it Anika.

Hon, From the heart I was in this gray friendship myself for years.

He would pull me close, then distance himself, then rely on me emotionally, be there for me, then ghost me...push pull push pull for years.

It lowered my self esteem, gave me false hope, when hed be there for me with attention and affection it created this false strong bond.

He would plug in then bail out.

It lowered my self esteem and sent me in this false mission to prove I was the best friend, the right girl...look at me...always there for you, You confide in me...were so close...it was all very cool sometimes, and often times SO hurtful.

 

You are IN THIS. you are very invested and its going to come back to bite you soooo sorry to say.

He knows your Ms. Reliable and always there. He isnt dumb he knows you caught feelings that you try and hide and he plays that card when he needs to.

He cares yah..but not too much.

Hes not ever chosen to try dating you exclusively cause you arent the one..you just are the one who wont leave him.

Dont be that girl anymore.

At different stages of life he will need you less and less.

I see that coming and my heart aches for you.

Please draw close to other friends.

[Peachykeen85]

He just contacted me!! He just said he was shy about what he wrote and didn't know what to say next. He asked me to pick a day for my ticket!!! But I will keep what you guys said in mind. Thanks so much!!