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Tricky situation


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OK this is probably going to be long as it's been building for 12 years+ but here is the condensed version.

 

  • I met her around 13 years ago. I had a long term gf at the time. We became ok friends and nothing more. Humble beginnings.
  • I split up with my gf around a year after and she was really great and supportive of me. We became closer but still just friends.
  • I then started seeing somebody again and soon after so did she. We were both happy for each other, double dated etc.
  • We split up with our respective partners around 2 months apart (her first then me). We then went out one night after my relationship ended, got drunk and ended up sleeping together...no big deal, rebound sex etc. Sex was great but we both decided that as we were coming out of relationships it should just be a FWB type arrangement.
  • This FWB arrangement carried on for around 6 months until she got a bf. I was really happy for her. We stopped sleeping together and moved back to a completely platonic friendship. Around 3 months later I met a new girl and started dating.
  • She dated her boyfriend for around a year then they split up. My relationship was still going strong and we ended up staying together for 6 years.
  • In the time when we were all happy we all went on holidays together and hung out regularly but we never cheated on our partners.
  • This was when things initially got a bit tricky. After my friend broke up with her boyfriend my girlfriend decided she really didn't like her, so we drifted apart a little in this time. For around the last 2 years of my relationship I only had passing conversations with my friend. I know she had a few flings in this time but never anything serious.
  • My relationship ended around 5 years ago. I started suffering with depression, which really put a strain on the relationship until it broke down completely. I then spiraled a little out of control after the breakup and I tried to end my life on a couple of occasions. Finally I got some help and one of the things suggested was to try to re-establish friendships. The first person I thought of was my former best friend.
  • By this time we were living in different cities but I sent her some messages filling her in on some things and apologising for how I'd managed to let our friendship drift. When we got contact going again it was so great. She was so supportive of me and it was like we had never lost touch in the first place.
  • Over the next 3-4 months we re-established a really strong friendship as I gradually put my life back together.
  • A few months later, again after a fair few drinks, we found ourselves in bed together again. The sex was still amazing and we re-established the FWB type arrangement. We did have a couple of talks about making it a "proper" relationship. Eventually we settled that the casual arrangement was best for both of us.
  • Over the next 2 years we carried on this way but also started doing things like going on holiday together, going to music festivals together, cinema etc. We both knew and accepted that the other person was free to date anyone they liked but this didn't happen until...
  • This brings us to around 2 years ago when I met somebody I really liked. I brought it up with my friend and asked her how she would feel if I started dating again. She said it wouldn't matter to her; she knew the arrangement and was comfortable with it. We agreed that we would have to stop the FWB arrangement which we did as soon as I started dating.
  • I dated this girl for around 8 months before I realised I didn't have the same connection as I had with my best friend. A few things went on and then we parted ways on fairly decent terms.
  • After the breakup the FWB arrangement resumed, but somehow we seemed closer than ever. We went on holiday again and all was great. We were both over 30 now and things just seemed more comfortable.
  • Then my depression came back. I found things really difficult and more difficult than ever was that my best friend now seemed annoyed with me rather than supportive like she was the previous time. We lost contact a little over the last 6 months. We still messaged most days but conversation was stretched and different. She stopped calling and rarely came to visit. She came to a wedding as my plus one and we slept together but it just wasn't the same.
  • Around a month ago after some counselling, self-help and meditation sessions, I started to feel much better. I called her and apologised to her for how I'd been acting. We had a really good chat and she was fine with this. We re-established our friendship but I got the sense that something was wrong though, something she wasn't telling me.
  • Last week she finally came out with it that she had started seeing somebody. This hit me like a ton of bricks. It really hurt and I felt like my heart had been ripped out.

 

so now here we are. I know that I don't have any right to be upset with her and am trying really hard to stay friends and not let her know how I feel. We both knew the score.

Over the years we've both seen each other enter and leave relationships, we've heard about each others flings and we've been there for each other when things broke down.

So why does this time hurt so much?

What should I do?

One thing that gets to me a little bit is that this is the first time either of us hasn't been up front and honest about seeing other people.

I feel like I'm being selfish but over the last year or so, I am now realising that my feelings have changed.

Obviously I don't want to lose such a strong friendship after all these years but right now I really hurt. I want to stop hurting because I know I have no right to.

I want to be happy for her like I always have been before and like she has been for me.

 

Any advice appreciated.

TIA

Edited by r321148
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OP,

 

You have a right to feel how you feel. I personally have had a similar situation but never slept with her but always had a connection but always thought she have feelings for a buddy of mine. That being said, at a high school reunion (25th) she asked me why i never asked her out....in front of my wife. Obviously an awkward situation, i told her that I thought she had a thing for a buddy....my wife, not at all offended told me that she obviously had / has a thing for me. Do i wish I had asked her out, sure, back then but have no serious regrets other than not communicating with her then.

 

I would suggest you tell your FWB / BF how you feel....tell her you will support her relationship if that is her choice but you felt you needed to come clean to her as you now only realize your feelings.

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Is that not a little selfish though?

She has only recently started seeing this guy and I really do want her to be happy. She has always been happy for me in the past.

It's always just been accepted over many years that we were each free to see whoever we liked provided we were honest and up front about it.

Plus much as I like her we still do have some fundamental issues which is why we never got together before:

  1. we live in different cities around 1.5 hours apart and even in the best of times only see each other approx fortnightly.
  2. I really want to get married and have a family one day. She doesn't (or didn't when we discussed 4 years ago)
  3. We are both stubborn and feisty and when we argue it can be pretty dramatic! (although better as we've got older)

 

I really don't want to jeopardise our friendship either but I'm fairly sure if this new guy knew half of our history then he won't be happy for us to stay friends. I guess this is also a concern of mine

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Decide what you want, and respectably go after that.....you only get one chance to live life....

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True enough.

 

I guess its just difficult because of how things have been recently. I don't know how to bring it up with her without it seeming like I'm just trying to come between her and her new boyfriend. Especially because if the differences still exist then I don't think we can be together anyway.

Worried if I tell her how I feel then it will be the end of our friendship.

So trying to think of the alternative.... This new relationship might be a short lived thing and then there's no reason we wouldn't end up going back to the FWB type situation like before. That would seem to be a better time to tell her how I feel and then we can work out if we can be together.

And I guess if her relationship stands up to time then I shouldn't be interfering in it anyway. I would assume that he will ask her not to see me (as I think anyone would!) and that would also be the end of our friendship.

 

I seem to be going in circles.

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privategal

Why not take a year or so and see what else life brings without this friendship.

Maybe you are both a crutch and a little growth in your life wouldnt be so bad.

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Why not take a year or so and see what else life brings without this friendship.

Maybe you are both a crutch and a little growth in your life wouldnt be so bad.

QFT. You fill each others lives when you're single, but too much history together makes medling your lives impossible.

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I can see why you'd say that but we really have been great friends for a very long time and I don't know that I want to give that up.

I think some of the anxiety is over how things will be. I can see losing the friendship if I tell her how I feel, or if the new guy forbids her from seeing me. That really isn't what I want.

 

Even if I were to end our friendship then I have no idea how I'd tell her? I respect her too much to just stop speaking to her and if I told her that I didn't want to be friends anymore then she'd definitely want to know why. That then leads me to either having to lie or to admit how I feel.

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So how do I go about letting her go? Or do I just wait until her boyfriend tells her he isn't happy about us being in contact?

We message and/or speak every day and have arranged to have a weekend together next month (arranged before she told me she was seeing someone)... I think it's only a matter of time before he tells her she needs to choose. I won't do anything with her but I know I wouldn't be happy about it in his position. Should I do the right thing and cancel or is that a decision for her to make?

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I think at least part of what's happened is you have both matured. You are now in a place where maybe making a commitment to her might be what you want, maybe something you couldn't have done well at when you were younger and still wanting to explore.

 

It honestly sounds like a great relationship. I think since you both tend to have some fairly lengthy relationships, you shouldn't wait and you should just tell her that of course you understand if she wants to find out if this guy is right for her, but that what you want has changed and that you are now really ready to try to have a long term exclusive relationship with her if she's willing. Tell her you think you're finally mature enough that this is what you're wanting. Yes, the mental issues you've had may give her pause. That's understandable. But you have so much history that it seems like she'd want to give the relationship an earnest shot and see if you two can make it work. Let us know what happens.

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  • 1 month later...
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So a few weeks back I told her how I felt.

She rejected me and said she wanted to make things works with her new guy.

I was so upset but still kept everything friendly.

She then told me that her mum is dying of cancer. I've really tried being there for her over this time on the phone and text etc.

 

This weekend she came to see me, we had a lovely weekend planned. Friday night we went out, which was amazing and then we slept in the same bed and cuddled but no sex. Saturday morning it all felt too weird. I opened up to her and told her how much I loved her. She said she was happy with her new guy and that I should back down. I told her that I wanted us to be together and that I hated the thought of her being with someone else. She then left without staying the weekend. Both of us were in tears.

 

I now feel heartbroken. I don't want to abandon her with what she is going through at the moment and I feel awful for even telling her how I feel.

I did mean what I say though, I love her and I hate the thought of her being with someone else. I just can't keep being friends with her because its so painful. I wish I was stronger but I'm not. I don't know that I can continue our friendship now. She told me that the person she is seeing is her housemate and friend of a few years. I've met this guy quite a few times (when I've stayed over at hers) and he is a good guy so on one level I'm really happy for her but it is so painful for me.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel so selfish but I feel like I had to say how I felt. I've just been crying constantly for the 16 hours since she left; I've not slept and I've not eaten anything and I feel terrible.

What can I do now? I feel like I've ruined everything and lost the best friend I ever had.

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Anyone have any advice? I'm really at a loss for what is the right thing to do now. I feel terrible. I've skipped work today as this has all made me physically sick.:sick:

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You aren't abandoning her-she asked you to back down. If you really love her, respect her choices and leave her alone. There is nothing for you to do except to grieve, learn to accept that it is over and focus on taking care of yourself in order to move on.

 

Yes, it is sad to lose a friendship as well as a relationship. Unfortunately, trying to hang on will only cause you even more pain & very likely end up tainting her memories of the friendship that you did have.

 

Don't contact her. Avoid seeing and hearing about her. As hard as it is to believe now, time & distance will help quicken your recovery.

 

Be kind to yourself. Grief takes a toll so it's important to pay close attention to your health. Refrain from alcohol, eat well (if you don't have an appetite, at least try to eat small portions), exercise (walks are very healing) to increase your endorphins--and keep busy. Watch or read a comedy even if you don't feel like laughing. And give yourself time to grieve. (When you do, focus on how you are feeling, not on imagining what she is doing or feeling). At some point, you will begin to feel some anger. Work it out through physical activity even if it means beating the hell out of your bed with a broom!

 

You can and will survive. It will take time but how much is up to you-don't go backward. Right now, just work at standing still. In a few days or weeks, you will be ready to take baby steps forward. Be patient with yourself.

 

Good luck

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Thanks for the reply I really appreciate it.

She did say she didn't want to lose me as a friend but I think trying to do that (definitely at the moment anyway) will lead to things getting worse like you say.

I have deleted her Facebook and blocked her WhatsApp. I want to maybe tell her that she can text if she needs me, but only if its really important. What do you think? We have been a big part of each other's lives for the past 13 years and I don't want to not be there for her if she really needs me.

I went out for a walk today and it did clear my head a little. Still feel pretty bad about myself though.

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"Friends" don't cuddle in bed with someone when they are in a relationship. She is using you and you have been allowing it because of your feelings for her.

 

Deleting the social media is a good idea. Go No Contact and stay that way. She has made her feelings clear and you aren't the guy she wants. Don't keep waiting around, hoping she will change her mind. She won't.

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Yeah I think that's what made me feel so odd about it all and why Saturday morning felt so weird.

 

This isn't a new situation. As per my OP we have both had various long/short term relationships in the 13 years we've known each other and every time previously we have moved fairly seamlessly into a platonic friendship (including not sharing a bed) during our respective relationships. The difference this time is that my feelings for her have changed, but she could easily have asked to sleep elsewhere (I have a big house and she could have slept anywhere). She also forgot to pack any pajamas so I had to lend her one of my old t-shirts.

Is that using me? If so i'm not sure what she was using me for?

 

I am under no illusions at all about her changing her mind. She made it very clear she didn't want to be with me and that she's happy with her boyfriend so no confusion at all on my part. It's really painful but I have to accept it and I'm definitely not waiting for it to happen.

 

I know the best thing for me is to cut her out of my life, at least for a while and hence why I've blocked her on social media. The difficulty I'm having is that I do value her friendship and she is going through a tough time at the moment with her mum, so I feel terrible for cutting her out. We've been friends for 13 years and we've helped each other through some pretty tough times in the past (both ways). Now I feel really guilty for telling her how I felt and feel like I should have just said nothing. After all it has been a long term arrangement and I knew full well that she was free to see whoever she liked.

Hopefully her boyfriend will be there for her and she won't need me?

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I'm so sorry that's how it went. I was sorry to hear this guy is someone who has been in her life for a long time, so it's not easy for her to walk away from him either.

 

I find it extremely odd that she wants to cuddle with you but doesn't want to have sex. She must be an extremely physical touchy person to be that way. That is not normal.

 

You have to do what is best for you, and it sounds like to move on with your life, you need to take a big long complete break from her. She told you to back off, so you don't have to support her through her mom problem. He can do that. I think you should totally block her so you're not seeing when she breaks up with this guy and getting your hopes up. You'll have to tell her that's what you need to do. Tell her, Hey, this is hard for me, but I need to stop being around you so I can move on because I want to marry and have kids someday soon.

 

Someone will be very lucky to have you. Heal first before looking, though. Good luck.

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Thanks for your kind words, it means a lot.

 

Yes there was definitely something strange about it. She already lives with this guy so no she can't turn her back on him easily at all! It's odd because I've been round there loads and was sleeping with her in the next room to him for a couple of years. I have no idea why he would let her come to spend the weekend with me in the first place!

I don't know whether she wanted sex or not, but I wasn't about to find out, I would definitely not be ok with that whilst she's with someone else; even cuddling didn't sit right with me, but I didn't figure that out until Saturday morning as it really opened up my feelings. I find it very strange that she "forgot" her pajamas. She was only away for the weekend so not like there was much to remember!

 

Anyway, whilst that's interesting it's moot really as I'd never be happy being the "other guy".

 

Not that it matters too much but she told me to back down rather than back off. She said she really wants to stay friends but just didn't want to be any more than that. I kind of already told her that I didn't think I would be ok with her being with someone else and that in all probability we couldn't be friends...for a start I could never go to her house or go out with the two of them! I have told her I blocked her Facebook and WhatsApp she seemed upset about that.

This is part of the reason why I feel so bad. She seemed really really upset as I don't think she guessed how I felt and thought we would just carry on as friends and it wouldn't be a problem (as was our previous arrangement). That's why I feel like I'm abandoning her when she needs a friend.

 

You're quite right though I do need to just move on with my life and do what's best for me. He is there to support her now.

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as well as feeling guilty for not being strong enough to continue our friendship, I feel really stupid too. I have had so many chances over the last 2 years to tell her how I felt but waited until it was too late.

 

In the last 2 years I know that neither of us had slept with anyone else. She came on holiday with my family and we went on a big trip for 3 weeks last year. We spent every couple of weekends together, text every day and spoke a few times a week. We basically acted like a couple but didn't put a name to it. It backed off a little whilst I was battling the depression but I really wasn't expecting this.

 

I guess I feel a bit let down and it's harder because her boyfriend is someone I know. We've hung out together and he knew the situation too.

I know that neither of them have done anything wrong so I have no right to be annoyed with them. I am more annoyed with myself I think.

I just don't know. I'm so confused.

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I'm still feeling down and confused. I'm really struggling with the lack of sleep. So far I am managing to stay out of contact with her and she has also respected my request not to contact me despite crying when I told her I didn't think she should.

 

We let the lines get too blurred. Originally it was an arrangement that just worked for both of us, but then we got too close without acting on it. We did things that FWBs shouldn't do: I know that her iPhone and iPad codes are my birthday, her bank card pin is also a variation on my birthday, her banking logins are related to me and her email password is my name! We went on holiday with my parents and she came to my parents house for Christmas. All of my friends and her friends just assumed we were together. I just assumed everything would be ok like before and didn't realise how much I'd fallen for her until it was too late. I guess this is why I feel like such an idiot as well as feeling guilty for not being a strong enough person to be her friend now.

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Anyone have any thoughts on this.

I don't know how to feel; I'm confused. I haven't been in work all week because i'ts made me sick.

I feel a bit let down: he knew how I felt because he asked me before and I told him I loved her.

I feel annoyed at her and I want to text her to tell her how much I hate her (even though i don't really).

I feel so angry at myself and just want to punch myself for being so stupid.

 

I know she doesn't want me because she told me so, but I just wonder if I'd asked before if things would have been different. She must have felt something or she wouldn't have set all of her details to be related to me?

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She text me to ask if I was ok. I haven't replied because I'm not, but don't want to tell her so.

Do I have any right to be annoyed at her?

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Hey buddy,

Your story is very involved and a lot for me to comment so forgive me for being broad here.

Just want to send support. A male friend of mine ended our friendship after 15 years of all stages from platonic friends to an emotional affairs, back to friends, back to eat, it was so gray and messy in the end, we both were with other partners and it took its toll on the friendship and in the end we could no longer be friends.

It hurts and it destroyed me but if after I recover and heal totally I can live a more peaceful and authentic life then that is my goal.

My health suffered, I got on medication and most importantly no matter how much I missed my friend I stayed no contact.

It has been over 4 months and is very hard still some days but I'm not ever going to speak to him again and will continue in NC.

I wish the best for you and just wanted to send support to you.

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You've just got to put your own needs way ahead of hers. It's unfortunate she's losing you as a friend, but her boundaries were such that any normal man would have been confused about how she always acted and all the cuddling is not a humane thing to do to someone. We don't cuddle with friends unless we're impaired or very needy or whatever, so I know there's something wrong with her deep down.

 

You're right to not respond to her texts Now you have told her you need to stay away to heal -- and she's not respecting that at all! Because why? Because she's all about me, me, me. Get a new number if you have to. Sorry it's going to be a struggle, but I think one morning soon you'll wake up and feel like you got a monkey off your back. Good luck.

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