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Ok so I started working at my company 18 years ago.. I am 44 going on 45.. When I started there I noticed a female, and was Immediately attracted to her.. After about 5 years I started working along with her. We became friends.. She was dating a man who also works in the same building as we were.. He is 20 Years older than her.. After 7 years of dating this man, she finally convinced him, or gave him an ultimatum.. Either marry me or we are done.. Yea he married her..

So she moved to another area, and we kind of lost touch, not seeing each other often.. So 8 years ago I joined her team.. Over the last 8 years, my feeling for her has grown immensely, over the last 3 to 4 years.. I will say I consider her my best friend.. Although I have strong feeling for her I have respected her Marriage and kept these feelings secret.. Recently she has filed for divorce.. She tells me this and then say's I have been talking to someone for a couple of weeks.. My heart began beating like crazy and my stomach was immediately tore up!! I thought for a minute that she may have been talking about me, and didn't want to say anything because all 3 of us work in the same place.. I was mistaken because she was texting and smiling all day.. I realized I wasn't the new friend she had mentioned.. My heart is hurt.. So now I"m wondering if I should tell her how I feel about her.. I know if she doesn't feel anything for me that I will have lost my best friend, and working together would be extremely awkward for both of us.. I am afraid though if I don't tell her, I will look back on this and be wondering, What If, What if I would have told her and she had feelings for me also?? I am torn@@@

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I would say something lighthearted. Me, I like to quote Patsy Cline, so my choice would be to sing them "And when you're tired of foolin' around with two or three, just come on home and fool around with me." And then they would say something like, "Only if you promise not to sing anymore."

 

So maybe you could do your own version of that and say, Hey, if you get tired of breaking in new men, you know where to find me. It might get a conversation started, but it's kind of safe because if that is the farthest thing from her mind, she can take it as a joke. But she can just as easily say, I might just take you up on that, at which time you can look her right in the eye and say, "Name the time."

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I am loling right now. I can't say she's had 2 or 3 on the line because she's been with same one for 18 years.. I had one like that before though and I can say.... UMMMMM NOPE!!! lol

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Yes, but imagine if implied she is breaking in new "men," and she gets huffy and says, "It's ONE man!" Then you can say, "Well, it would be two, counting me, once you come to your senses."

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privategal

Honestly Id keep the friendship.

Why? Long term friends are invaluable.

Love is fleeting.

Shes known you the all this time and no flirting or inuendos seeing that her marriage wasnt great?

She has made no move and WOULD HAVE by now.

I am pretty sure she is leaving her husband FOR another man, but she wouldnt probably confess an affair to you.

Im afraid its not in the cards my friend.

You could go for drinks and casually mention it...then if nothing else excuse it later and blame it on the alcohol...lol

I think she already has her plan b though...plus...what is it with people who cant be single for 5 minutes.

Thats a red flag too imo.

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privategalSo being the impatient person I am, I couldn't wait any longer, so today I laid all the cards out on the table.. Her Mind was BLOWN, she had no Idea I felt the way I did.. I didn't get a positively I don't have feelings for you, I got the I haven't really looked at you that way.. I know that usually when they say that they aren't physically attracted to you because I have used that excuse many times in the past.. I'm actually ok (I think).. She knows how I feel now and I don't regret telling her.. The ball is in her court now, and I'm not expecting to score, but I have at least got her thinking about me and, privategal, I am all with you when you say... Why, can't people be single for more than 5 minutes!!!!
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Honestly Id keep the friendship.

Why? Long term friends are invaluable.

Love is fleeting.

Shes known you the all this time and no flirting or inuendos seeing that her marriage wasnt great?

She has made no move and WOULD HAVE by now.

I am pretty sure she is leaving her husband FOR another man, but she wouldnt probably confess an affair to you.

Im afraid its not in the cards my friend.

You could go for drinks and casually mention it...then if nothing else excuse it later and blame it on the alcohol...lol

I think she already has her plan b though...plus...what is it with people who cant be single for 5 minutes.

Thats a red flag too imo.

 

I completely agree with this.

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Okay, so I knew she was talking with someone else right? I didn't know this someone else is also married, and familiar with the woman I care for and her soon to be ex husband.... Mind Blown... I'm not sure if I can process this right now... I thought she was so beyond doing this kinda thing.. Leaving her husband for another married man! Seriously bro's I would never have thought that she would be that kind of person.... I'm not looking at her as the same women I fell in love with... So ****ing confusing...

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Sounds like he's who was waiting in the wings, too. Well, big mess. Be glad you have the option to stay out of it.

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Work associates...yet he calls her a close friend? Was he available at her wedding? Have they attended social events together? Met one anothers family?

 

I tend to think they are work friends and not social friends....Big difference.

 

As to what he needs to say to her...Convey an admiration without being creepy.

Suggest a social outing? A local art exhibit? A music venue...Then proceed with regard to the work friendship that has been in motion for years.

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Man it's been a tough week! Can't eat can't sleep can't concentrate on anything.. Tayla, we are best friends, we have hung out with other friends outside of work, and attended several functions together.. I'm not sure if it's the rejection part, or the other guy part that I'm most upset about.. I have been doing my best to avoid her this week, but since we work together, that makes it tougher to do.. I'm sure she has noticed my behavior, but has said nothing.... And

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privategal

I think you are seeing you may have vested alot more emotion and importance placed on the friendship than she did.

You are forever friendzoned, shes cheating and is in a selfish mode and doesnt care to soothe you.

I think the friendship might have peaked...Id start backing away more and more and heal. So sorry.

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Thanks privatgal.. I do believe I have invested more in her than she has me... Another thing that is bothering me is.. Why am afraid that by backing off, she will be mad at me, and why do I care ??? We have argued in the past and she just shuts down.. Won't even make I contact with me.. I am 9 out of ten times the one who approaches first..

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I'd just lessen your expectations, enjoy the workplace friendship with her but leave it that. Friendliness is just friendliness. She didn't mean you any harm, she just has her head and heart in another place. No need to avoid her or pretend that you weren't interested, but redirect your focus to meeting women outside of work.

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O'malley, Thanks for you input.. How can I enjoy my workplace friendship when I want more than that? I know she didn't mean me any harm, doesn't make me feel any better.. I agree she doesn't see me as anything other than friends, but I can't just drop how I feel about her in a minute.. She seems fine the way things are, how can I?

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Ok, so does anybody believe that after I heal from this, and no longer have romantic feelings for my friend that we could rekindle our friendship??

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I think that your reaction to this exceeded what would be normal. You were attracted to her too quickly, and that's a sign that something inside you needs to be looked at. Fixed, or Trained, or Confined, or Shackled.

 

 

The way you are allowing yourself to be controlled by your emotions will be your downfall otherwise.

 

 

Practice with all emotions. Anytime something gets you worked up, look at at. Analyze it. Think about it. (A journal will really help with that). Figure out how much is true emotion and how much is emotions from previous experience (even beyond your own personal experience like in things you've seen on TV or songs or friend's relationships).

 

 

It's all too easy to tie your emotions to something that doesn't warrant it. Like caring about a goldfish. You know that goldfish doesn't give a crap about you but it's YOUR goldfish dangit! so when it dies you cry. Because you've attached yourself to it.

 

 

Never unleash full emotions unless truly warranted. There will be enough times in life that you can't control them no matter how hard you try... the first close death for example. Every control mechanism will probably fall by the wayside when facing real grief.

 

 

I know... I'm not answering your question. Because there is no answer that will benefit you. If I say yes, you will hold out hope of romantic relationship in your heart. If I say no, then you will be angry at the circumstances and likely act rashly. Neither are control over emotions.

 

 

I know I'm just some stranger on the internet, an anonymous voice with many others. You can read this and pretend you never saw it and completely ignore this advice. I hope you don't. This is a chance to learn something about yourself... just not the lesson you had hoped to learn. It doesn't make it any less important---if anything it's more valuable.

 

 

Good luck!

 

 

NTV

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I thought this thread was titled 'Tron' for a second there. I'm disappointed :(

 

Seriously though, you've had a oneitis situation with a girl for like a decade or something. That's crazy. You are obsessed.

 

Go after some different women, and realize that this is all in your head.

 

If you had a 20 year old sexy Italian girl blowing up your phone right now, your interest for this woman would... wane lol.

 

Come on, man. You're better than this.

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Thanks NTV, Although I disagree when you say I jumped the gun.. I have been harbouing these feelings for a long time, I think my impatience and timing were way off.

However I do agree with you in that I let my emotions take over and sometimes make rash decisions.. The good thing about this whole ordeal is that I am finally going to see a therapist next week, and hopefully I can find a better me..

Hey jabron1, I you are probably right.. If I had a 20 year old on my jock I wouldn't be to worried about this... :D

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You should have kept your cards safely in your vest, friend. You had a long term crush on a woman you created largely in your own head. Now you know she isn't the woman you dreamt up - she is a female who is divorcing her husband for another married man. You are in the thick of it now... when the other guy doesn't dump his wife, she will train her guns on the secondary target - you . But, you rightly are questioning if you want anything with this gal. Just think, you could get married to her and then she can continue to cheat - on you. Do you really want that kind of consternation in your life? Honestly, office romances are something to stay away from. When the love withers up, you still have to face the other person daily with a smile on your face...OP, I am afraid you have walked up to the edge of the bottomless pit on this one - so do you want to jump?

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Pouters, You and everyone else who has replied to my post have made some very valid arguments... I have put her on a pedestal for quite some time, overlooking red flags... It's obvious she does not have romantic feeling for me and never will... I have taken steps at work to avoid her this week, although I was feeling guilty for being short with her, and I asked another friend at work if I should explain to her why I was keeping my distance.. She suggested I approach her and tell her that I was not distancing myself to punish her, that I had to do this for myself... I did this and of course being the closed off person she is she just said ok, but she did start to tear up.. Look I miss her friendship and the way we were before all this... If I have to work with her I want that back... She makes my job enjoyable, and without her friendship my job would blow!!! I know I'm going to catch **** for this post, so go ahead and bring it...

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Okay, so here is an update if anyone cares to read.. So I began distancing myself from my crush.. I'm also in therapy.. I am starting to realize that our friendship was not an equal one.. I was the one who initiated contact with her first on most day's.. If I didn't there were days when we wouldn't speak at all.. I was very open and honest about everything that was going on with my life, where she would not divulge how she was really feeling, keeping feelings and emotions locked up inside, is a red flag that I had overlooked.. I put her on a pedestal and chose to overlook the things that bothered me about her.. I am realizing that we were and would not be a good fit in a romantic relationship and it would end in disaster, and I would lose the friendship... It's going to take some time to heal my heart from unrequited love, but when I do I believe we can still have a good friendship, although I will expect it to be an equal friendship...

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