falling in Love with a female Friend

[insecureandsingle]

Hi Everyone

 

I have had a hard couple of years, firstly getting diagnosed as intersexed, having my long term partner leave me because of it then coping with depression and anxiety as well as going through physical and emotional changes due to my condition.

 

I have a female friend that i have known for 10 years almost and she has stood by me and helped me during it all, when most of my other friends and some family abandoned me.

 

I love her as a friend but for a while ive felt attracted to her, and my feelings go beyond that of friendship. She has no idea of this and i know it would cause major issues.

 

I know how she sees me, and that is a friend, in her words like her best girlfriend which is not really what i want to be hearing. She has watched me change from the man i was to who i am now and helped me along the way and even though i consider myself a man and i am a man she often treats me like a girlfriend and it does hurt sometimes.

 

I don't think ill ever change her mind being how i am now so i never say anything but my feelings towards her have got stronger.

 

I have no idea what to do to stop this ? i want my feeling for her to go because i know there is no chance for romance and i don't want to ruin our friendship

 

Any advice is appreciated

 

Thanks

[preraph]

Since you already know she isn't going to feel the same way, I think that just leaves you on your own to make yourself pursue other romantic partners. There's a section here on gender issues and there may be some good advice there how to meet people who are open and attracted to whatever your identification is. If you read more threads in this section, you'll see that trying to go from friend to romance after more than a couple of months of friendship seems to never work and yes does ruin a friendship. So I can't advise any confessions. It's just become your problem now, and the best way to deal with it is branch out and date others and change your focus. Best of luck.

[insecureandsingle]

Since you already know she isn't going to feel the same way, I think that just leaves you on your own to make yourself pursue other romantic partners. There's a section here on gender issues and there may be some good advice there how to meet people who are open and attracted to whatever your identification is. If you read more threads in this section, you'll see that trying to go from friend to romance after more than a couple of months of friendship seems to never work and yes does ruin a friendship. So I can't advise any confessions. It's just become your problem now, and the best way to deal with it is branch out and date others and change your focus. Best of luck.

 

Hi Preraph, Thanks for the reply.

 

Yes i know there is no chance with my friend, i just wished i could stop having the feelings i do towards her. Hopefully if i can find someone then that will help. I think the problem is with all the problems ive had she has been like a rock and helped me so much and not judged me, so may be its a crush of some kind.

 

She is attractive and funny and very caring and outgoing and these are traits that i like in a person. May be ive spent to much time with her and not other people. My social life went down the drain when i was told i was intersexed.

 

Thanks for the advice its appreciated

[Cherryz]

Maybe a good idea to have added this in the other topic.

 

Are you really into her or do you feel like this because she is the more easy person to

go to to become your girlfriend, so you dont have to deal with your fear of dating?

 

If you really like her, and you know she not into you, you can tell her just to get it out of your chest and prepare for the answer she will give you, since you already know what that may be.

Only thing is that sometimes friendships dont stay same after you confess that to a friend.

But if its something that you really feel like you have to get it out, just tell her and

if she say no, then just move on and act normal as usual. Since you already knew she wont. And just start dating other girls!

 

 

Dont know how you behave or move or act. If its more girly and you a man, then maybe its a good idea to take steps to make it more easy for you to move as a men in certain things. Maybe true some training or classes. or so.

And maybe its good if you let her know also at some point that hurt you when she treat you as girl.

If its your friend its good to be open and honest so the friendship can be build on something real and respect.

 

 

Ps: based on what you have (i saw your other topic)maybe its good idea also to search on the internet

if there is a meeting group of people who have same and meet with them.

That can be a huge support and help you in your growth and dealing with things and learn from each other also you wont feel alone having it.

[insecureandsingle]

Maybe a good idea to have added this in the other topic.

 

Are you really into her or do you feel like this because she is the more easy person to

go to to become your girlfriend, so you dont have to deal with your fear of dating?

 

If you really like her, and you know she not into you, you can tell her just to get it out of your chest and prepare for the answer she will give you, since you already know what that may be.

Only thing is that sometimes friendships dont stay same after you confess that to a friend.

But if its something that you really feel like you have to get it out, just tell her and

if she say no, then just move on and act normal as usual. Since you already knew she wont. And just start dating other girls!

 

 

Dont know how you behave or move or act. If its more girly and you a man, then maybe its a good idea to take steps to make it more easy for you to move as a men in certain things. Maybe true some training or classes. or so.

And maybe its good if you let her know also at some point that hurt you when she treat you as girl.

If its your friend its good to be open and honest so the friendship can be build on something real and respect.

 

 

Ps: based on what you have (i saw your other topic)maybe its good idea also to search on the internet

if there is a meeting group of people who have same and meet with them.

That can be a huge support and help you in your growth and dealing with things and learn from each other also you wont feel alone having it.

 

Hi Cherryz, thanks for the advice

 

Yes over the past couple of years i have become more feminine, not by choice but some of my actions and movements have just kind of gone that way to some extent. My friend has helped me come to terms with everything and ive shared almost everything with her and shes been understanding and supportive. She does make jokes and so on about my femininity and ive come to accept that and at times it really helps to make some thing that is so life changing and serious in to some thing more light hearted and less serious if that makes sense?

 

I don't think telling her my feelings will go well and i don't want to risk our friendship so ill keep quite, and hopefully move on and find some one else

 

I have been in a couple of groups regarding gender, but finding intersex groups and people is harder because most of us are very secretive about it, in fear of certain reactions i think, and the wanting to just be normal as much as possible.

 

I really appreciate all the help you have given, thanks

[planb1973]

Just a though, but, could your love for your friend be due to you being vulnerable to her and she has not passed judgment on you? You feel completely safe with her. She has been there for you through your transitioning. You confide in her and she has always had your back. Very powerful stuff and definitely you are both expressing love for each other. It can get confusing but a romantic love takes both parties being on the same page. It is like the secret crush I have on one of my female friends. Besides being attractive what it really is, is that I am vulnerable, she does not judge me, I feel safe around her. Dating her may ruin that so I stay away from that kind of love.

[insecureandsingle]

Just a though, but, could your love for your friend be due to you being vulnerable to her and she has not passed judgment on you? You feel completely safe with her. She has been there for you through your transitioning. You confide in her and she has always had your back. Very powerful stuff and definitely you are both expressing love for each other. It can get confusing but a romantic love takes both parties being on the same page. It is like the secret crush I have on one of my female friends. Besides being attractive what it really is, is that I am vulnerable, she does not judge me, I feel safe around her. Dating her may ruin that so I stay away from that kind of love.

 

Hi planb, yes i think that is a huge part of my attraction to her, we have shared a lot and she has been there for me without exception, it is more of a crush than anything, and im sure when i meet some one else the crush will fade and our good friendship will continue that's the plan anyway.

 

Thanks for the reply

[preraph]

Hi Preraph, Thanks for the reply.

 

Yes i know there is no chance with my friend, i just wished i could stop having the feelings i do towards her. Hopefully if i can find someone then that will help. I think the problem is with all the problems ive had she has been like a rock and helped me so much and not judged me, so may be its a crush of some kind.

 

She is attractive and funny and very caring and outgoing and these are traits that i like in a person. May be ive spent to much time with her and not other people. My social life went down the drain when i was told i was intersexed.

 

Thanks for the advice its appreciated

 

Well, you know, it's common for people to fall for their psychologists and such for that very reason. Let's hope that once you're all through with this tough period of sorting things out, that you find your niche and can relax and have a less anxious sort of life. It's certainly better to have a good friend like that than to have a failed affair and lose that, IMO.