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Moving Towards FWB When There's Attraction, but Not Compatibility


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Wave Rider

There's a woman that I know that I took on a date for a walk on the beach. There was clearly mutual attraction with her, and we ended up kissing for awhile. I asked her out again and she said she thought we weren't compatible, and I told her I agreed. Whenever I run into her, which I do sometimes, it's clear that there is still mutual attraction, but probably not long-term relationship compatibility.

 

This may be an opportunity for a FWB relationship, which I've never really had before. As I have posted on other threads, I tend to get dependent and needy in relationships, and this may be an opportunity to practice giving someone space and being more independent.

 

I don't know how to take it to a FWB level, though. We've already been physical, though we didn't have sex, and I actually don't have much sexual experience. Perhaps this is my opportunity to get some experience.

 

How do I move things to FWB? Do I be upfront with her? Do I invite her to do stuff? Tell her I think she's attractive? What do I do?

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This sounds like a good opportunity for you!

 

How do I move things to FWB? Do I be upfront with her? Do I invite her to do stuff? Tell her I think she's attractive? What do I do?

 

Invite her to do stuff. Be upfront about continuing to agree that there is no long term compatibility, but that, regardless, you are very attracted to her. Tell her you'd love to explore more of the sexy side with her, with your best smile of course. If she shows interest, then confirm that this is a FWB type thing. Also, ask her thoughts about exclusivity, just to understand her comfort level and expectations. Communicate a lot. It makes the sex better, too :)

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Wave Rider

I see her occasionally, every few weeks or so. I thought I'd send her a facebook message about how I was attracted to her, but we didn't seem compatible, and that puzzled me. I'd keep it brief to practice "less is more." Then I'd see how she responds. Do you think this would work?

Edited by Wave Rider
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I see her occasionally, every few weeks or so. I thought I'd send her a facebook message about how I was attracted to her, but we didn't seem compatible, and that puzzled me. I'd keep it brief to practice "less is more." Then I'd see how she responds. Do you think this would work?

 

Sure, it's called a booty call :laugh: Send her a message saying you've been thinking about her. Flirt from there. Don't mention the "not compatible" part until on a date.

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privategal

On a completely superficial level...Im wondering if you arent a good kisser?

Thats important.

But anyways if your both single yes...but proposing an fwb has got to be tricky...you may need a few more run ins and turn up your flirting game then ask?

Id explore the kissing thing though...after just a walk on the beach and making out she says you arent "compatible" hmm...gotta be the kiss she was judging. A sloppy wimpy slobbery...dont know how to make it pasdionate..I dont know...instant turnoff for me.

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Wave Rider
On a completely superficial level...Im wondering if you arent a good kisser?

Thats important.

But anyways if your both single yes...but proposing an fwb has got to be tricky...you may need a few more run ins and turn up your flirting game then ask?

Id explore the kissing thing though...after just a walk on the beach and making out she says you arent "compatible" hmm...gotta be the kiss she was judging. A sloppy wimpy slobbery...dont know how to make it pasdionate..I dont know...instant turnoff for me.

 

Gotta consider all angles, I suppose. I estimate she's the 25th woman I've kissed. It's never been a problem before, and I've gotten complements on my kissing, so I'm comfortable ruling that out.

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Wave Rider
Sure, it's called a booty call :laugh: Send her a message saying you've been thinking about her. Flirt from there. Don't mention the "not compatible" part until on a date.

 

Perhaps....I'm not sure she'll go on another date with me with the implied expectation that I'm looking for a relationship, because I did ask her on a second date, and that's when she said she thought we weren't compatible. She's been quite positive in our interactions since then. If I flirt with her, is she going to think that I'm looking for the same thing as before, but trying to hide it? Like, will she sense that I've got some alternative agenda?

 

I'm not very good at being coy and subtle. My innuendos are something like, "You look great in that martial arts gear. Maybe I can come over and you can punish me."

 

I know that flirting is all about oblique and ambiguous displays of sexual interest, but I usually wind up being pretty blatant with it. My "subtlety" ends up being not very subtle, and I'll probably scare her away.

Edited by Wave Rider
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Like I said, it's a booty call, so don't worry about being subtle.

 

If it scares her off, so be it. Of course, good judgment is always advised before speaking and acting.

 

Just be sure to clarify the non-relationship portion before the sex.

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Wave Rider
Like I said, it's a booty call, so don't worry about being subtle.

 

If it scares her off, so be it. Of course, good judgment is always advised before speaking and acting.

 

Just be sure to clarify the non-relationship portion before the sex.

 

Well, I'll try the banter and try to be at least somewhat clever with the expressions of interest. If she's interested, she'll play along.

 

If she seems interested, I'm inclined to invite her over to watch a movie or roast s'mores on the stove or something. She lives on the other side of my graduate student housing complex. That's totally a bootie call, though.

Edited by Wave Rider
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Wave Rider
Like I said, it's a booty call, so don't worry about being subtle.

 

If it scares her off, so be it. Of course, good judgment is always advised before speaking and acting.

 

Just be sure to clarify the non-relationship portion before the sex.

 

So if I'm making a bootie call, should I really just not be shy about the fact that I'm making a bootie call? I really haven't done this much before.

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I know that flirting is all about oblique and ambiguous displays of sexual interest, but I usually wind up being pretty blatant with it. My "subtlety" ends up being not very subtle, and I'll probably scare her away.

 

You're looking for a fwb, so you have to be upfront and blatant, otherwise it is just stringing women along and using them for sex.

If she is up for a fwb arrangement then she is up for it, if not, then not.

NO point in beating around the bush and arranging "dates" which could be misconstrued as "interest" on your part.

Put your cards on the table.

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Wave Rider
You're looking for a fwb, so you have to be upfront and blatant, otherwise it is just stringing women along and using them for sex.

If she is up for a fwb arrangement then she is up for it, if not, then not.

NO point in beating around the bush and arranging "dates" which could be misconstrued as "interest" on your part.

Put your cards on the table.

 

So do I just message her and ask her if she wants to come over and make out? My gawd, I'm so bad at this.

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Wave Rider

 

Thanks, but this is a thread for how a woman would ask a man for FWB, which is way different (and much easier) than a man asking a woman. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

FWB's are always bad news and always end horribly. But, if you are intent on this, use our good friend alcohol.

 

This is actually a real concern for me, and is really my biggest hang-up for being open with her about FWB. We're both grad students at a university, and universities have gone crazy with the whole "rape culture"/"affirmative consent" thing. I often read stories of unfortunate men who were expelled from universities on no evidence other than a woman's accusation of assault, or in some cases, a 3rd-party accusation. Basically, accused men are considered guilty unless they can prove they obtained affirmative consent, which is very difficult to prove. Under California's "Yes means Yes" laws, if alcohol is involved, sex is automatically considered non-consensual, even if she was begging for it. I go to a public university, so the hysteria isn't quite as bad as it is at private universities, but it still worries me. If the FBW thing were to blow up and she started making accusations, even if all encounters were consensual, it could end badly for me.

Edited by Wave Rider
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Wave Rider

This woman may end up being too much work. She's engaging me in the flirting, and she isn't running away, but I can tell she's also not going to make it easy for me. And she's kinda critical of me. She seems interested, but it looks like I'll have to jump through a lot of hoops. It may not be worth the effort.

 

I'm half-temped to respond to her last message by saying, "Forget about it. You're going to be too much work."

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Eighty_nine
Thanks, but this is a thread for how a woman would ask a man for FWB, which is way different (and much easier) than a man asking a woman. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

 

 

This is actually a real concern for me, and is really my biggest hang-up for being open with her about FWB. We're both grad students at a university, and universities have gone crazy with the whole "rape culture"/"affirmative consent" thing. I often read stories of unfortunate men who were expelled from universities on no evidence other than a woman's accusation of assault, or in some cases, a 3rd-party accusation. Basically, accused men are considered guilty unless they can prove they obtained affirmative consent, which is very difficult to prove. Under California's "Yes means Yes" laws, if alcohol is involved, sex is automatically considered non-consensual, even if she was begging for it. I go to a public university, so the hysteria isn't quite as bad as it is at private universities, but it still worries me. If the FBW thing were to blow up and she started making accusations, even if all encounters were consensual, it could end badly for me.

 

This is pretty presumptious and offensive. Those "unfortunate" men you speak of generally are being accused because they actually assaulted women. Believe what you will, but It is uncommon for women to make things like that up.

 

FWB is a bad idea not because young women randomly accuse innocent men of rape. It's a bad idea because someone generally attaches and gets hurt in the end.

Edited by lissvarna
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