Drunk male friend wanting sleepovers?

[celio_141]

I’ve been friends with this guy for over 5 years and I admitted about 4 years ago that I did have feelings for him. They were not returned but we stayed very good friends and haven’t really talked about it since. Thru the past 2 years or so, there have been many times when he is drunk that he has been very flirty and touchy with me and even makes comments about not wanting me with anyone else. Also on several occasions he has asked me to sleep over but nothing ever happens, just sleeping. I am very confused if this might mean he does now have feelings for me but is scared of losing my friendship & admitting it or if he just gets lonely and needs the attention/companionship when he is drunk.

 

 

To add some additional context, I am in my late 20s but am a virgin and friends are very respectful of that. So it is possible that might be why he doesn't try much in bed with me.

 

Men especially, any opinions?

I feel like I might need to address it but am not sure how to go about it.

[JustGettingBy]

He probably has feelings but doesn't know how to express them.

 

I don't know if its a good idea to put them forward. On one hand, it could have the potential to be a great relationship with him if you're interested. On the other hand, if he does know, and sleeps over drunk, it may be dangerous for you. You know him, I don't, so you'd have to decide for yourself.

 

Do you and him have any mutual friends you would trust to confide this in? Its likely best you do that before talking to him directly.

[celio_141]

I do have feelings for him and definitely don't think he would ever take advantage of me. But because he has already "rejected" me once before (even though it was ages ago), I'm terrified of it happening again. I can't decide if it's better to let it go for good or if it's worth a try again.

Edited May 11, 2016 by celio_141

[Arieswoman]

celio-141,

 

he just gets lonely and needs the attention/companionship when he is drunk.

 

that's about the size of it

 

You've known this guy a long time. If he's had any romantic inclinations in your direction he's have acted on them by now, no matter how shy he might be.

 

Please get some self-respect.

Stop letting him have these "sleepovers" when he's drunk. You're a person not a mobile hot-water-bottle.

 

Start looking for other guys to date.

 

Good luck. x

[d0nnivain]

Since you have had your virginity this long think about why. Do you really want to give it up to a man you are not in a relationship with who probably doesn't love you?

 

 

If he was any type of a proper good for you guy, he'd date you, not drunkenly collapse into your bed.

 

 

Until & unless he asks you on a date, assume he's a cad & act accordingly. Relegate him to the couch or you take it while he crashes in your bed, too drunk to drive home. You could also call him a car, taxi, Uber or Lyft to send him on his way.

[preraph]

There may be more than one thing going on in his mind, but honestly, if he's mostly trying to come over when he's drunk, I would say he's been out trying to get laid, failed, and knowing you have a crush on him, is hoping to get sex.

 

If he really had developed either deep affection or serious attraction to you, he wouldn't be doing this behavior. He'd be asking you out on dates sober during the daytime and at least a couple of days in advance and he'd pay for them.

[jen1447]

Yeah, the most significant part of the story is the "drunk" part. Being drunk makes your behavior pretty arbitrary and meaningless so there are no real takeaways there.

[stillafool]

 

 

If he was any type of a proper good for you guy, he'd date you, not drunkenly collapse into your bed.

 

 

 

^^^^THIS^^^If he had a romantic interest in you he would ask you out on a proper date. Don't let him use you as a bed warmer.

[celio_141]

Thanks everyone. I think there are details that are being misinterpreted but never the less, I'm so embarrassed I have let this go on. I am going to make sure to keep my distance from him for a few months while I let go of my feelings.

[Miss Peach]

FWIW I have found alcohol to be a bit of a truth serum for most men so I do believe he at least has sexual attraction to you and is trying to push boundaries while drunk because he thinks he can get away with it.

 

I agree with the others though. If he were really interested he would date you properly. Unless he is really feminine he should have no problem going after the things he wants in life.

 

I've had situations where guys have shown up to my house drunk. If he is drunk then I would call him a ride home or give him the couch.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Miss Peach

[celio_141]

I obviously made it sound like he would ask to come over when drunk which is not at all the truth. I will edit. All 3 times we have been out with friends already and at the end of the night he has asked me to go stay with him. He was already out with me all night when it happened, having a nice time. So the "he was out trying to score somewhere else and kept striking out scenario" is not the case at all.

 

He goes out of his way to introduce me to his friends and make sure I'm okay/happy all the time when he's sober too. I possibly made him sound more slimy than he actually is.

 

I would not under any circumstance lose my virginity that way and he knows me well enough to understand that. I always figured that's why he didn't really try much when we actually were in bed.

 

This doesn't change anything in terms of me giving myself some space from him. But I did want to clarify.

Edited May 11, 2016 by celio_141

[stillafool]

Going out with friends is not the same as taking you on a date (alone). Have you done that?

[Miss Peach]

I didn't necessarily picture him coming to your house drunk...

 

I've met several guys on groups. The ones who were really interested in me still contacted me outside of the group and asked me out on a date. I still think he's sexually attracted to you and that comes out when he's drunk but not enough to want to ask you out on a proper date or else he would have done that by now.

[celio_141]

Going out with friends is not the same as taking you on a date (alone). Have you done that?

 

All I was trying to explain was that he wasn't coming over drunk. Of course he has never asked me out on a date. Then I wouldn't have been so confused. At least I'd know he was interested.

 

I have only been on one date in my entire life. I guess the specifics of my dating life are too complicated for me to have come to this forum in the first place. But I got the message, unless he asks me out sober, there is nothing else to look for. I understand.

[jen1447]

All I was trying to explain was that he wasn't coming over drunk. Of course he has never asked me out on a date. Then I wouldn't have been so confused. At least I'd know he was interested.

 

I have only been on one date in my entire life. I guess the specifics of my dating life are too complicated for me to have come to this forum in the first place. But I got the message, unless he asks me out sober, there is nothing else to look for. I understand.

 

Maybe a larger thing to consider is you might not be missing out on much if he has such an inclination to get drunk. So even if he did harbor secret feelings for you ....pass could be in order. Drunks are bad news longterm, almost always.

[celio_141]

He is one of my best friends. We are alone all the time and watch movies and all that. No, not dates. I understand.

 

Starting a relationship in our case might not be as easy as asking me out because there is a lot to lose. He is not a regular friend who comes and goes. We are very close and have been for years.

[d0nnivain]

Celio

 

Thanks for clarifying. Your dating life is not that complicated, well at least no more complicated then all other human interaction.

 

Do what you like but the key here is how he treats you. He apparently does like you & if you agreed to a FWB arrangement I doubt he'd turn you down. Since that clearly isn't what you want you will do well to give him a wide berth to protect yourself emotionally.

 

If he notices your disappearance, You can tell him you find his behavior confusing. Assure him that is OK for him not to want to date you or be in a relationship with you but if that is his choice, he needs to respect your choice to put some physical distance between you as in no more sleep overs.

[celio_141]

Celio

 

Thanks for clarifying. Your dating life is not that complicated, well at least no more complicated then all other human interaction.

 

Do what you like but the key here is how he treats you. He apparently does like you & if you agreed to a FWB arrangement I doubt he'd turn you down. Since that clearly isn't what you want you will do well to give him a wide berth to protect yourself emotionally.

 

If he notices your disappearance, You can tell him you find his behavior confusing. Assure him that is OK for him not to want to date you or be in a relationship with you but if that is his choice, he needs to respect your choice to put some physical distance between you as in no more sleep overs.

 

Thank you. I feel like you actually understand my point of view. I am definitely going to keep that distance. I don't think he will ever properly ask me out (I could be wrong, of course, who knows) so I need time to re-evaluate our friendship altogether.

[d0nnivain]

In all candor I think he might be "afraid" of you. If he knows you are virgin he may not want the responsibility of being your 1st. It's sort of a conquest thing when people are teens but anybody who keeps it beyond their 20s usually has reasons for that choice. To be that person's first can be daunting because the virgin will most likely require a greater commitment & a longer lead time then most casual dates are willing to provide in this day & age. Hence, on some weird level he's trying to respect your choice but he's still horny, if that makes any sense.

 

Distance is your best bet here. Hopefully you pulling back won't damage the friendship permanently. Who knows it may even inspire him to step up to the plate.

[stillafool]

In all candor I think he might be "afraid" of you. If he knows you are virgin he may not want the responsibility of being your 1st. It's sort of a conquest thing when people are teens but anybody who keeps it beyond their 20s usually has reasons for that choice. To be that person's first can be daunting because the virgin will most likely require a greater commitment & a longer lead time then most casual dates are willing to provide in this day & age. Hence, on some weird level he's trying to respect your choice but he's still horny, if that makes any sense.

 

Distance is your best bet here. Hopefully you pulling back won't damage the friendship permanently. Who knows it may even inspire him to step up to the plate.

 

I agree with this. I had a friend who was still a virgin at 27 and it was hard for her to get a bf after they found out she was a virgin. They too felt it was going to be too much work and too much responsibility afterwards. I'm curious, why do you sleep in the bed with this drunk guy who is not your boyfriend?

[celio_141]

And just to add, not to defend him because he is definitely playing with my feelings whether he means to or not... I am a very guarded person and I'm sure there have been plenty of times I have been equally as confusing and not reciprocated his advances when I should have. My instinct is usually to stop the flirting before it gets too far. So he might be just as confused as I am and might not be sure how I feel either.

 

I guess time will tell.

[celio_141]

In all candor I think he might be "afraid" of you. If he knows you are virgin he may not want the responsibility of being your 1st. It's sort of a conquest thing when people are teens but anybody who keeps it beyond their 20s usually has reasons for that choice. To be that person's first can be daunting because the virgin will most likely require a greater commitment & a longer lead time then most casual dates are willing to provide in this day & age. Hence, on some weird level he's trying to respect your choice but he's still horny, if that makes any sense.

 

Distance is your best bet here. Hopefully you pulling back won't damage the friendship permanently. Who knows it may even inspire him to step up to the plate.

 

Oh 100%. I am more than fully aware of this because guys that really know me will try to, for example, make out with everyone else but me. And I may not be Jennifer Aniston gorgeous but I am by no means ugly either It IS a huge step for someone to try to properly pursue me and I respect that completely.

[celio_141]

I agree with this. I had a friend who was still a virgin at 27 and it was hard for her to get a bf after they found out she was a virgin. They too felt it was going to be too much work and too much responsibility afterwards. I'm curious, why do you sleep in the bed with this drunk guy who is not your boyfriend?

 

I wish I had a better answer for you but truthfully, I just need the companionship sometimes. No one will try anything with me because they are indeed "afraid" of me and that can lead to a lot of loneliness. It does feel nice to be wanted, I guess, even if under not the healthiest circumstances. Virgins get lonely sometimes too. And for me it was never about being religious or waiting to get married. I just wanted to be in a committed relationship but time went by and it never happened.

[losangelena]

Would there be any harm in asking him why he, knowing that you like him, tries for these sleepovers?

 

That's a legitimate question, right? I mean, you're curious, you feel like it's messing with your feelings. He, as an adult and as your friend, should be able to account for his behavior. Better than sitting here speculating as to his reasons.

 

I personally don't think avoiding him is the solution.