My Glass Closet and a Developing Tension

[Zex]

So I am 19, Male, and have Aspergers Syndrome, and I've known my current Best friend (also Male) since I was 14. For the purposes of this story I am gonna call him J. We met when I moved to a different high school. I hadn't really made many friends before then (I hated socialising with people, I didn;t understand the appropriate ways to behave and treat people, kinda made lasting friendships impossible) But when I met J he helped me make more friends, by introducing me to his friends, and slowly, as time went on, I started to understand truly how valuable friendships are, and how to treat people with respect and be kind.

 

The truth is, I never understood why he put so much effort into helping me, he was a really good friend, and he made me a much better person today for what he did. Not only that he always had a way of making me feel much better when I was sad. I never really noticed but my relationship with him was a lot more physical and close than the usual "best friends" relationship, we particularly used to hug a lot, and loads of other people always used to comment that we would make a good couple, including my sister and my mum (which made me feel really embarrassed), but I just laughed whenever comments like that were made. I didn't really know how to respond other than to just laugh, in my mind I was completely straight. I suppose it must have been painfully obvious to everyone EXCEPT me how much I liked him.

 

Once high school ended and we both left to go to different Uni's, we kept in contact on pretty much a daily basis using Skype and Facebook and other social platforms. I didn't so this so much with my other friends, who I contacted every once in a while, but not J, who I literally spoke to every day. After a year at uni, come the next time we meet at a convention in London, I see a toy I really liked (it was very cute, and I love cute toys) but I couldn't justify buying it. At the end of the day when we were about to part he gave me a present, the very same toy I said I liked earlier that day, he gave it to me as a present, and I felt so happy, and then I kinda had that moment of realisation, the "oh ****, I REALLY like this guy!", with all the feeling and everything. Again, I'd never felt it before, so I didn't know how to respond, I simply said "thanks" and gave him a hug before I left.

 

Next time we meet, about 5 months ago, we were both home for christmas, and one day he asked me if we wanted to go to a cinema together to see a film. I wanted to see something he already saw, but he didn't tell me until after the movie was finished. Again the feeling was back, so I took a deep breath and confessed my feelings to him. He simply said "I'm curious too", and gave me a hug, much closer than usual before we left.

 

A couple of days later he tells me that we can't date, because he is going abroad for a year next year, and he doesn't think he can do long distance. I thanked him for being honest with me, only problem is he wants to maintain the same level of closeness we've always had.

 

I don't know what to do, I really like him a lot and I want to keep being a close friend for both our sakes, but anytime we're together and we hug or ANYTHING all of the romantic feeling comes back. I don't know what to do cause while I love the feeling a lot, I also feel really tense at the same time. On top of that, a small part of me is paranoid that he isn't telling me the truth. A small part of me wonders whether he doesn't see me in that way at all, and that he is covering it up by mentioning going abroad, hoping that he won't ever have to tell me.

 

That is my story. its a long one, so apologies for that. What should I do? Leave it as it is (since the situation will change in a couple of months anyway), ask him out on dates, not as a relationship, try for more? I am at a loss because I was hopeless with friendships, and I think I'd be an even more hopeless romantic.

[carhill]

IMO, I'd suggest exploring any homosexual feelings with more available potential partners and keep this friendship as is or, if uncomfortable for you, then put it on hiatus for now. Since he's not going away for some months, often longer than budding relationships last anyway, his response tells me he's not sufficiently interested in anything more than what is now, right now and in the foreseeable future.

 

I'd thank him for his honesty and then let it be. As a friend, a close friend for many years, I'm sure he'll support your other dating experiences.

[JustGettingBy]

Fellow aspie here.

 

I'd recommend that you be honest about the fact that having feelings for him, and having them arise during hugs, etc. is harming you. Don't tell him about the distrust (I've learned this one the hard way) but say that anything akin to the hugging makes the feelings come back. Since you respected his honesty, and you say he's a good friend, he'll likely respect yours.