Close female friend using me as her emotional boyfriend

[Lex30]

I have been friends with a girl for 6 years, we've been really close the last 2 years and things have always been platonic between us.

 

Over the past several months she has been using me essentially as her "emotional boyfriend". Anytime something bad happens, or she is having issues with anything she will text me, call me and want to see me in person. I really have become her shoulder to cry on.

 

Is this a problem? I think its becoming one since its making my feelings towards her blur past platonic. And this only started happened when she started acting this way towards me. Not good since its clear from her end though I am strictly her best friend that just happens to be a guy. She's even said its so nice to have a guy best friend that cares for her as a best friend and not sexual. I have said the same to her in the past. I want to always be there for her as a friend but this happening so much and so frequently is playing on my emotions and feelings.

 

I took some time off from dating but 4 different friends now have asked if I was more than friends with her. Its going to be a problem when I start dating again.

 

The obvious answer to all of this is to pull back and not be the shoulder to comfort her all the time. But its not easy to do this

[loveweary11]

All i can say is welcome to the world of friendship with women. That's just how it is.

 

As her friend, maybe you can help her find ways to be less depressed and less depressing to be around.

[Emilia]

You need to stop talking to her OP. I had to do this in the past with male friends. It's best not to allow things to develop this far.

[Raina314]

Your post made me realize something interesting that I didn't consider before. Guys often want girls just for sex without the full emotional commitment and then the girl gets hurt and keeps thinking there will be more.

 

And guys often get upset when girls only want them for emotional presence/support, but not the physical intimacy that would then make it more or less a relationship.

 

For women, its harder to accept just sex without emotional commitment and for men, its hard to accept just emotional commitment without sex/intimacy. Women feel strung along if a guy will only give sex and men feel strung along when women only rely on them emotionally.

 

As for any advice: it depends entirely on how you feel. I think a lot of us are very quick to say "delete, no more contact, problem solved, the end." But it doesn't always need to be that way if that's not what you want. Your friend probably doesn't know this is hurting you because she just thinks this is what friends are for. I have a guy friend like that and I'd be lost without him. If he told me he wanted me to dial back on crying on his shoulder because it was making the friendship harder for him, I'd do it in a heartbeat because I value our friendship. It's not hopeless, and you may be able to work out some kind of compromise by talking to her. She probably cares about you and would be very sad to see you go.

[Frank13]

OP, please go into the advanced editing options and change your title to

 

"....... emotional girlfriend"

[carhill]

How does she respond when you share personal and emotional issues? Does she remember? Follow up?

[DreamP]

Do you guys share good times too? Or does she only turn to you when things are bad and she needs a shoulder to cry on? If so, you just need to express that to her and tell her that it makes you feel like an emotional boyfriend and not a friend. Be clear that you want to be there for her as a friend, but not her bad-days-only therapist.

 

If things are getting too emotional, try to do things together with a group. Avoid too much alone time. Also, don't be so accessible. If she texts late at night, don't text right back. Don't spend hours texting together. If she is having a bad day, don't ask her to come over so you can talk. Instead suggest going out to get a drink at the bar. Even invite some friends. Basically do the same things you would do with your bros.

[Lex30]

Your post made me realize something interesting that I didn't consider before. Guys often want girls just for sex without the full emotional commitment and then the girl gets hurt and keeps thinking there will be more.

 

And guys often get upset when girls only want them for emotional presence/support, but not the physical intimacy that would then make it more or less a relationship.

 

For women, its harder to accept just sex without emotional commitment and for men, its hard to accept just emotional commitment without sex/intimacy. Women feel strung along if a guy will only give sex and men feel strung along when women only rely on them emotionally.

 

As for any advice: it depends entirely on how you feel. I think a lot of us are very quick to say "delete, no more contact, problem solved, the end." But it doesn't always need to be that way if that's not what you want. Your friend probably doesn't know this is hurting you because she just thinks this is what friends are for. I have a guy friend like that and I'd be lost without him. If he told me he wanted me to dial back on crying on his shoulder because it was making the friendship harder for him, I'd do it in a heartbeat because I value our friendship. It's not hopeless, and you may be able to work out some kind of compromise by talking to her. She probably cares about you and would be very sad to see you go.

 

Thank you for your advice. To me personally, no more contact is NOT any option. This girl has been there to help and support me in the past when I needed it.

 

Up until this point, we've both been platonic and there for each other for emotional presence/support. Its really be nice and you develop a certain trust with an friend of the opposite sex when you hit this spot. She knows she can go to me for support when she is upset and emotionally vulnerable. I know I can go to her for the same. And when you have a best friend of the opposite sex, it really is great to be able to do this. When it comes to certain things including dating/woman, I also know I can get very valuable advice from her.

 

I completely easily see how there can be a disconnect at some point between best friends of the opposite sex regarding emotional support/intimacy. I feel pretty confident that has never happened between us until recently.

 

I like the suggestion on asking her to dial back on the crying on my shoulder a bit. If there is a way I can do this without offending her that would be ideal. I don't know if I can spin it as a positive thing.

[Lex30]

OP, please go into the advanced editing options and change your title to

 

"....... emotional girlfriend"

 

Emotional boyfriend in my opinion refers to being her boyfriend without any intimacy. Basically using me as her emotional crutch, like any couple would do with each other.

[Lex30]

@carhill If I go to her with an issue or emotional support, she always remembers and will even check up on me to see how it is going. I would say for every 10 issues she comes to me for emotional support I go to her once. So it is pretty lopsided.

 

@DreamP In the past its been a pretty good balance between sharing good and bad times, but in the last year its been mostly her using me as an emotional crutch. We still hang out and talk/text about positive things but almost 80% of has been centered about her issues.

 

I feel guilty if I am not there to help her because there were a few times in the past she went well beyond the call of a best friend to help me out when I had been dealing with an issue. Once she took time off of work to help me grieve the loss of a family member. Another time I had a surgery and she stayed in the hospital overnight the entire time because she knew I was scared to be alone. I just feel so guilty when I decide I am not going to respond to her or I don't have time to meet up with her to deal with this and then think of either of those times in the past.

 

I really like your suggestion, it might be a good idea to try and add a mutual friend or two when she wants to meet up. I could also exercise some restraint in texting her back right away. I will admit I am guilty of responding pretty fast most time.

 

And to everyone that has replied, thanks! This has been helpful so far!

[Raina314]

Thank you for your advice. To me personally, no more contact is NOT any option. This girl has been there to help and support me in the past when I needed it.

 

Up until this point, we've both been platonic and there for each other for emotional presence/support. Its really be nice and you develop a certain trust with an friend of the opposite sex when you hit this spot. She knows she can go to me for support when she is upset and emotionally vulnerable. I know I can go to her for the same. And when you have a best friend of the opposite sex, it really is great to be able to do this. When it comes to certain things including dating/woman, I also know I can get very valuable advice from her.

 

I completely easily see how there can be a disconnect at some point between best friends of the opposite sex regarding emotional support/intimacy. I feel pretty confident that has never happened between us until recently.

 

I like the suggestion on asking her to dial back on the crying on my shoulder a bit. If there is a way I can do this without offending her that would be ideal. I don't know if I can spin it as a positive thing.

 

If she's willing to be there for you to the same degree you are for her, then I definitely agree that dropping her as a friend is not the answer. While the waters may get murky sometimes, its just so rare to find someone like that who will be there for you unconditionally.

 

As for ways to tell her you'd like her to dial it back a little bit, just tell her that while you care about her, you don't always have all the answers and though you've tried to help her, you're not sure how helpful it really is if she still has the same problems. Or say that frequent expression of intense emotion to you feels too much like a relationship. I know it can be awkward to say that, but it might help. My friend told me that and it was awkward but it turned out fine and our friendship is still going strong.

[Lex30]

If she's willing to be there for you to the same degree you are for her, then I definitely agree that dropping her as a friend is not the answer. While the waters may get murky sometimes, its just so rare to find someone like that who will be there for you unconditionally.

 

As for ways to tell her you'd like her to dial it back a little bit, just tell her that while you care about her, you don't always have all the answers and though you've tried to help her, you're not sure how helpful it really is if she still has the same problems. Or say that frequent expression of intense emotion to you feels too much like a relationship. I know it can be awkward to say that, but it might help. My friend told me that and it was awkward but it turned out fine and our friendship is still going strong.

 

Thanks, I am finding this very difficult to do. So the entire last week was actually normal. We met up for drink last week and had a few smaller text conversations on the phone. But I actually felt my feelings drifting back to platonic.

 

I was off of work today, she knew it and she started texting me about feeling depressed and upset about a few things that happened over the weekend. Then she asked if we could meet up and as you could imagine basically crying on my shoulder stuff when we met up. I really had planned on telling her I don't mind being there for her as a friend but I am having some feeling issues recently with this. Basically saying exactly what you said because I really think its exactly on point. But I just didn't have it in me to actually go through with this when we met up in person. This whole episode trashed any progress I made last week with getting my feelings back to platonic.

 

I actually am thinking I am part of this problem with her behavior recently. But I really am struggling with trying to correct the situation. I wish I could just fix this myself and not bring it to her attention.

 

I wonder if I was seeing someone if she would use me as an emotional crutch so much. This is turning into a more difficult issue than I at first thought it was.

[carhill]

Friendships, healthy ones, should be equitable. Friends share. IMO, if you ever feel you're holding back because you don't want to 'burden' your friend, then the friendship needs an examination. If your primary friendship interaction is 'stuff' sharing rather than shared interests, then the friendship needs an examination.

 

This of course presumes you want a healthy friendship like you'd have with a guy. If she gets anything 'special' that your best male friend doesn't get, drag the mirror out and take a long look in it.

 

I had a best female friend for around a decade until she and I both got married, to other people, and our lives moved on. It was a very satisfying experience and I remember her fondly. There was never any question about equity. She guarded my interests and love life very carefully, as I did for her, though our shared interests took up most of the time we spent. She had a long-term boyfriend, the guy she married eventually, but never brought her relationship problems to me, at least in any detail. Heh, I did car stuff with her BF so she then didn't have to wonder what we were talking about out in the garage. It was cars!

 

I get that these social connections are hard to give up or negotiate. Part of going through life is setting boundaries, dealing with relationships and moving on if they don't work for one. Consider this good experience and learn from it.

[preraph]

If being friends with her is making everyone think you're together, then it IS a problem that you need to fix. Come right out and tell her that you don't want people thinking you're together. If you're making any concessions of politeness to her when you're out and she's with you, stop it because that's a mixed message. Just break off from her and tell her no if she tries to follow you and act like you're together. Just tell her. After all, she's just a friend. But if she's blocking you dating, it's probably intentional, IMO.

[Raina314]

It's a tough spot. If she were seeing someone else, she may stop using you as an emotional crutch, but she also may not, depending on how attentive the guy is. The biggest relationship mistake I made was relying on my best guy friend instead of my boyfriend (now ex) for emotional support, because my boyfriend wasn't there for me and would never pick up the phone. We'd only spend time together when it was convenient for him. So, if she had a guy like that, you can bet she'd still want support from you.

 

I know what you mean about wishing you could fix the problem yourself without alerting her to it. I've struggled with that more than I want to admit myself. I'm more uncomfortable knowing I may have potentially made someone else uncomfortable or sad than I am just suffering silently most of the time, so I completely get what you're feeling. May I ask what she's depressed about?

[Standard-Fare]

The Onion: "But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship"

[Lex30]

Well its been some time since I made this thread but I wanted to update this salutation.

 

I am doing much better with this and we are pretty much back to our platonic close friendship without the feelings on my end. Sure there is the occasional moment where for a minute my mind gets thinking but its pretty rare now.

 

I did a few things in this stretch, thanks to the advice and suggestions from many on here. I cut down on our alone time of hanging out, I delayed responding to her texts but not anything that made it seem like I was avoiding and I started to pursue two dating interests. All three things combined cut out the feelings for the most part. She still have confided in me for support with some of her issues but its hasn't been as frequent.

 

So I think all of these things combined has got me out of this and back to enjoying our platonic friendship together. She even has taking interest in my dating life and has been quite helpful.

 

I am really glad I worked this out because I really think this wasn't love but just loneliness on my part and when you are in a single/lonely phase I really feel you can develop false emotions towards platonic friends.

 

I really hope I am done with this but for those that took the time to really analyze what was going on and give me advice/feedback, thank you!

[ASG]

If being friends with her is making everyone think you're together, then it IS a problem that you need to fix. Come right out and tell her that you don't want people thinking you're together. If you're making any concessions of politeness to her when you're out and she's with you, stop it because that's a mixed message. Just break off from her and tell her no if she tries to follow you and act like you're together. Just tell her. After all, she's just a friend. But if she's blocking you dating, it's probably intentional, IMO.

 

People think that whenever they see good friends of the opposite sex. The amount of times I've been asked if I'm my BBF's GF/wife, at HIS workplace, where his WIFE also works, is ridiculous!!! I go there quite often, yes, but he's been working there for years and she goes there more often than I do and now also works there on weekends!

 

So I don't think its necessarily a problem in their relationship, but in the way people (read, society) sees such relationships.

[SoThatHappened]

In my experience, members of the opposite sex (who are attracted to members of the opposite sex) cannot be close friends while being single.

 

Someone has wanted or will eventually want more.

 

I had a great female friend for 9 years. Played golf together, work functions together, she even hung out with my then girlfriend and I at bbq's.

 

As soon as I lost the girlfriend, I found out the female friend wanted more than to be just friends the whole time.

 

Long story short, I almost had to get a restraining order against her.

 

Again, this is my experience, not everyone's experience.

 

I've learned that opposite-sex aquaintences are OK, but best friends are time-bombs.

[Emilia]

I've learned that opposite-sex aquaintences are OK, but best friends are time-bombs.

Agree. I have a lot of male friends but none are too close.

[Lex30]

I can understand the ticking time bomb reality with close opposite sex friends. May I recently was a time bomb that came close to going off and I am back to ticking.

 

I do know, especially after what I just went though, I am committed to staying close and platonic with her. There really isn't any going back at this point with our closeness. We know too much about each other, and we've both been each others emotional crutches during some difficult times.

 

She seems perfectly fine and content with out close platonic best friendship. It really was me that seemed to have this issue and thought I was falling in love with her.

 

Since my last post, I managed to meet a girl that I was attracted instantly to and we share so much in common. We have been dating for a bit now and things are going great. It was actually my BFF that played match maker to get us to meet and thought we'd click pretty well. She really was putting a lot of energy into helping me with the dating. We've been going on double dates almost every weekend.

 

I am glad I weathered the storm so to speak, and I mean it when I say that it was the posts of advice on here that got me through it. The few close friends I talked to a about this weren't nearly as helpful. So again, I really thank all of you for the help!