Is there any hope or should I move on?

[scc17]

We met each other in a jiu jitsu class and after 6 months of flirting with each other I got tired and told him how I felt. He told me that I was his type of woman but that he was not looking for anything serious. Obviously I knew what that ment so things went way far (sexually) right after that conversation. I asked him to not tell anyone about us to avoid any trouble in his job.

 

I started to developed feelings for him and asked him "what are we". He never gave me a straight answer. I was confused so I told two friends we have in common and who knew what was going between us for advice: His boss, who's a friend of mine and a guy from our class who's a mutual friend. He learned that i told others about us and he called and told me he couldn't trust me anymore, that he was hurt, disappointed and could not believe what i did ....and that it was over. One month later, I went to apologize and he agreed on giving me one chance to regain his trust and try to be friends. He also told me to change some aspects of my behavior and be carefull of whom i trust. Like being more humble, less bitchy, keeping things to myself, not trust anyone.

 

After that, he started acting completely awkward, sometimes he was nice with me and sometimes he's rough and cold.

So i decided to pull back and change the aspects he told me to and got way better at jiu jitsu.

After that he started treating me very respectful and kind. He didn't mind at all spending time explaining any technique I had problem with. He talked to me more often, etc.

 

But Again, the situation got way out of hand when the owner (his bosses boss) of all the jiu jitsu academies in the area found out. His best friend (my other teacher) called me and told me if i knew how bad i looked as a woman telling everyone about what I did with the other teacher.

 

I was beyond upset.

 

So i went directly to talk to the guy and we cleared everything.

Compared to other situations I've had with him, for my surprise he started treating me with even more respect and kindness.

 

True is, I still like him and I don't know what to do with all this....

Edited April 18, 2016 by scc17

[privategal]

I think you might be too immature for a relationship.

Its a red flag anytime a man starts off a relationship with "Im not looking for anything serious".

 

I think you had some fun with him, learned some things about life, yourself, your technique...

But, hes not the one for you.

He tries to change you, he not only told yiu up front I wont commit to you, he also broke things off and gets mad etc.

 

On the flip side, keep your private life and relationships to yourself.

It does make you look bad and it is affecting his job.

You've gotta end it with him and take the lessoned you learned and find a new guy in time.

For now..Id just work on you.

[d0nnivain]

If the relationship has to be a secret, perhaps you shouldn't be having it.

 

 

You started this saying you wanted a relationship. He wanted casual. You slept with him anyway. Dumb move. Understand something: having sex with a guy doesn't bind him to you. When you have sex with a guy who only wants causal, that man has very little respect for you. You need to have more respect for yourself & only have sex with men when they meet your terms: exclusivity & a relationship.

 

 

That said, running your mouth off didn't help anything. Of all the people for you to talk to, what were you thinking when you chose his BOSS? Don't you have a GF to talk to? Learn to keep your own counsel too.

 

 

This guy does not actually care about you or your feelings. He enjoys the sex. Since you want more, you have a decision to make. You can continue hurting yourself or you can end this & change jui jitsu schools.

[preraph]

Understand something: having sex with a guy doesn't bind him to you.

 

 

^This all the way. Great way of putting it. The fairytale books didn't literally mean that if you kissed a frog, he'd turn into a prince. A guy who tells you up front he doesn't want anything serious is then under no obligation to provide any of the niceties that come with actually dating someone. At this point he may feel sorry for you a little since you've been so naive. While I totally agree not to stay in a sexual affair that has to remain secret when what you really want is a relationship, you agreed to just sex and nothing serious and by continuing after he told you it had to be secret, you made that deal, and it was wrong to break it. But you never should have agreed to it anyway! Unless all you really wanted was a good old roll in bed from him once in a while until you found a real boyfriend, then you shouldn't have gone into this with no boundaries and agreed to it. You need to sit down and write down what you want and then you need to put the brakes on any relationship that reveals itself to NOT be what you want and just say no and move on.

 

You should never go into something that isn't what you want assuming you can make them love you because that doesn't work. Your love or affection is not a magic elixer to change a man. They have to have it in them and want to share it.

Edited April 18, 2016 by preraph

[d0nnivain]

I'm not suggesting that just wanting sex is bad. If that is what YOU wanted, great. Problems arise because you agree to less then what you want thinking that after he's had sex with you, the guy will want a relationship. It never works that way.

 

Having sex releases a chemical that is designed to foster a bond / mating but some people are immune to it or can ignore it better than others. You are not one of those people & fall deeper after having sex. Know that about yourself & refrain from having sex until you get the commitment you want. If you say yes before you get what you want the other person has no incentive to give you what you want because they are already getting what they want, sex without commitment, without making an concessions

[preraph]

I have to say that Oxytocin stuff isn't really true unless you already like the person. Now they're saying it about pets as well. I was alarmed when it came out because guys started thinking if they could force their hands onto a woman, the woman would get Oxytocin for them. And that is definitely not true. I just think they haven't found the chemical that's produced when you find someone replusive yet. I call it adrenaline. Like get me out of here.