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Hypothetical...have you ever gone from "like a brother" to dating?


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OK, so maybe not totally hypothetical, but I'd like to coach it as such.

 

Hers' the scenario...

 

You know a girl in a platonic relationship, she's a flatmate, and only the two of you share the flat.

 

In the first week of said relationship, you took her out for a movie. In no way have you indicated to her that you're interested in her, in fact you have a girlfriend, who she's met. This is just as friends...

 

During this non-date she says "I like you like a brother"

OK, just about the clearest sign ever that she aint into you bud...got that, thanks, clear as day.

 

Would she only say that to set in place a firm understanding that this is purely platonic, even though, well, it has to be anyway? I mean, why the need to state the obvious?

 

She gives NO other signs of interest, nada, zip, zilch...rarely replies to texts, no touchy feely moments, no flirty comments, all purely platonic. (as it should be)...

 

So, that's established, all good...

 

We get along fantastically, great person, super easy to live with, no stress, we share so many values, talk easily about all sort of things.

 

She admits she very, very shy, finds it hard to talk to boys she likes (further indication she views me purely as a friend).

 

She's a traveller, in Australia for a few months, has been in a few "exciting" locations around the world...Ibiza (she put the "I was there at Amnesia Espuma towel in the bathroom), New York..etc

 

We share music, TV, she gives me advice about my love life (yes, she asks first, "So what happened the other night..."

 

She is pretty quiet, has a few friends, but none have come over to visit, goes out once or twice, but mostly just sleeps (OMG the biggest sleeper I've ever know), works (waitress), and shares time/activities with me.

 

Except I like her...a lot

 

Maybe too much...

 

I mean, apart from her work colleagues, and her occasional friends, we pretty much co-exist 24/7.

 

She is shy, and we are living under globally accepted "no fraternisation" rules, so all the platonic reassures are totally understandable...

 

I, too, have never done anything to hint I like her, no friendly touches, just a cuddle or two. Never flirted with her, I even started calling her "little sister"

 

So there's nothing there...which is all good...

Except there are hints...

 

When I told her I was waxed "down there" she nodded and told me so was she...I repeat, she's a very private, shy girl.

 

We watched Black sails, and she openly moaned when a sex scene came on.

 

She told me that her culture, then man leads, a woman would never take the first step.

 

She told me that she likes my girlfriend, but hints I should break up with her

as we can't communicate.

 

I offered to take her out for dinner, and she very enthusiastically agreed.

 

Soooo....

 

I'm not asking your permission to date her, or anything...this part is the hypothetical part...

 

Have you gone from "liking you like a brother/sister" to developing feelings for someone...and how?

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Maybe you should break up with your girlfriend first, before thinking about making a move... this is basically why some people don't like it when their partner has a roommate of the opposite sex.

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Maybe you should break up with your girlfriend first, before thinking about making a move... this is basically why some people don't like it when their partner has a roommate of the opposite sex.

I'm NOT making a move, for many reasons, that's why the word "hypothetical" is in the title..

 

I'm just interested in other's experiences in bridging the void from "like a brother (#1 put down) to developing feelings.

 

And I intend to break up with my GF once she's back from overseas...

 

In any event, I have months and months of time living with this girl, we do get along amazingly well, I don't want to screw that up...

 

So I am only asking hypothetically...

 

Who knows, maybe next week we'll get drunk and wind up in bed...but I'm not PLANNING anything.

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losangelena

No, nope. No, I have never gone from having "sisterly" type feelings for someone to having some kind of romantic inclination. I've experienced it going the other way, but never, ever, ever that way.

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No, nope. No, I have never gone from having "sisterly" type feelings for someone to having some kind of romantic inclination. I've experienced it going the other way, but never, ever, ever that way.

wait, you've had romantic feelings for someone, and that changed to being sisterly...wow...what happened?

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losangelena
wait, you've had romantic feelings for someone, and that changed to being sisterly...wow...what happened?

 

Umm, lack of interest on their part and time, lots of time.

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Rejected Rosebud

I find it distasteful that you are sharing with your new roommate about being shaved in your groin. That's not good roommate behavior.

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Sounds like she is a little fly that has inadvertently and innocently wandered into a big spider's web...

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Standard-Fare

Usually using the "brother/sister" terminology is a kiss of death for any hopes of a romantic relationship.

 

Nothing you've written here gives any SUREFIRE signs that she's interested in you more than as a good platonic buddy. Maybe your intuition is accurately picking up on something "more" there - or maybe you're misguided.

 

Either way, if you plan to pursue your roommate it would be imperative that you a) break up with your GF, and b) think about a new living situation. Trying to date a formerly platonic roommate is tricky. And doing so while still entangled with your ex raises that to nightmare levels.

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BlametheIrish

Every man I've ever said I loved like a brother, I meant it. There are currently three men I love like brothers. I've known all three for an incredible amount of time. All three are attractive enough and have great personalities but I will always love them like family. I have zero interest in ever dating them.

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You guys don't sound at ALL like a brother/sister relationship. I have a few brothers, and plenty of longtime guy friends...and none of us talk about where we do or don't wax ourselves. Or moan while watching sex scenes on TV. Reading the OP was like watching the opening scene in a soft porn. LOL.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I’ll update…

I have been nothing but a brother to my flatmate as well, she is in the same boat, I haven’t given her ANY signs of a romantic interest

I have in fact now broken up with the girl I was seeing. When I told my flatmate, she agreed that was probably for the best.

I told her that I was happier, relieved…

“I like this life, just so peaceful with just you, me here.

The other day she was sitting at the table and she showed me some coconut cream she had bought, she explained its uses: as massage oil, face cream, and for: “special occasions alone” with a cheeky smile…(meaning masturbation).

I came home yesterday and she was watching a Japanese drama, she told me she used to watch it as a child, this was the last episode of a long 14 year run. It ended with a girl being kissed by a man she had wanted for a long time, but who had been unavailable as he had a girlfriend. Blah blah blah, he left the girlfriend, awkward moment, passionate kiss…

When it finished she gave me a big smile.

”That’s what I want!” “When I see that…” she put her hand on her heart…”I feel like I want to get a boyfriend

“Are you lonely?”

“Yes, I want to find someone, I WILL find someone”

Later that day I mentioned I had a couple of Gold Class tickets, and that I would like to take her to a movie.

I told her “I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather take.

She happily agreed (I’d taken her once before), and said “I loved that, so special!

To summarise, we live together, see each other as often as that entails, and have ZERO problems.

I really like her; I would be upset and jealous if she got a boyfriend.

But I don’t want to screw up and lose a good flatmate because of an unwelcome advance…

But I’d be more disappointed if I failed to act, and lost the opportunity to date this amazing girl.

What to do??

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PinkElephants
But I don’t want to screw up and lose a good flatmate because of an unwelcome advance…

But I’d be more disappointed if I failed to act, and lost the opportunity to date this amazing girl.

What to do??

If this is true then do something. Ask her out on a date. None of this silly hinting or suggesting and trying to interpret signals.

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>>She told me that her culture, then man leads, a woman would never take the first step. <<

 

This is not Australian culture at all. Aussie women can and do take the first step.

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>>She told me that her culture, then man leads, a woman would never take the first step. <<

 

This is not Australian culture at all. Aussie women can and do take the first step.

She's Japanese...only in Australia now a few months.

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If this is true then do something. Ask her out on a date. None of this silly hinting or suggesting and trying to interpret signals.

Ah, but I have...

I've taken her to a midnight screening at the Goyod Class cinemas.

I took her to a great restaurant just near our flat, we sat and talked about love, sex, relationships etc.

At one point we were talking about how to keep sex fresh in a long relationship...and I told her my ideas on the subject. At the end she smiled and said "you could be my teacher!"

I recently asked her it again, and she really and happily agreed...

But, there are platonic dates...you see.

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Rejected Rosebud

I find it really offensive that you keep getting into sex conversations with your room mate. I feel sorry for her. If she is a traditional Japanese girl (like you seem to be saying she is) she is probably not comfortable putting you in your place for your inappropriate behavior.

 

Also, if she's a traditional Japanese girl (or, for that matter, an everyday type of girl from any culture), she is not actually moaning because of a sex scene in a movie you're watching together, or sharing with you about her masturbation techniques. That'd be you projecting.

 

Why don't you leave this nice roommate of yours alone to maybe find a good boyfriend for herself? This whole softcore porno, massage parlor style of interacting with women that you are so comfortable with would really be off-putting to anyone I know. It would be especially awful to find yourself dealing with it on a daily basis with your roommate for heaven's sake!

 

Boundaries are a really good thing and CRUCIAL if you are going to have a roommate of the opposite sex!!

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I concur.

Learn to respect the established remark of being platonic.

 

You are blowing it big time by the ruses of offering to go places. your intent will be your failure. If a gent has underlying intentions after I made it clear, then he is neither a friend or worth maintaining.

 

This "lady" doesn't deserve being mislead.

 

examine your motives, they will eventually lead you to the respectable way to handle this.

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I find it really offensive that you keep getting into sex conversations with your room mate. I feel sorry for her. If she is a traditional Japanese girl (like you seem to be saying she is) she is probably not comfortable putting you in your place for your inappropriate behavior.

You state this as though I steer the conversation that way, constantly, and this poor little girl is made uncomfortable but is to polite to say anything.

No, that's not the case.

The coconut cream conversation was totally her, I didn't say anything vaguely sexual, she said it.

And....Christ, we live together, I have a few examples out of hundreds of hours of conversation about everything your could imagine...you think I'm some lecherous bastard that turns the conversation to sex at every opportunity...that's not the case at all...Rosebud...I get that you don'tlike me...okay...but sup stop trying to misinterpret anything I say into it's darkest possible meaning.

Also, if she's a traditional Japanese girl (or, for that matter, an everyday type of girl from any culture), she is not actually moaning because of a sex scene in a movie you're watching together, or sharing with you about her masturbation techniques. That'd be you projecting.

Even you have to admit that's a silly thing to day.

Why don't you leave nice roommate of yours alone to maybe find a good boyfriend for herself? This whole softcore porno, massage parlor style of interacting with women that you are so comfortable with would really be off-putting to anyone I know. It would be especially awful to find yourself dealing with it on a daily basis with your roommate for heaven's sake!

 

Boundaries are a really good thing and CRUCIAL if you are going to have a roommate of the opposite sex!!

You don't know me st at all...

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Rejected Rosebud
Rosebud...I get that you don'tlike me...okay...but sup stop trying to misinterpret anything I say into it's darkest possible meaning.

 

 

 

You don't know me st at all...

Really, this is not about liking you or not. I swear - ask ALL the other women on LoveShack, I bet most will agree - the way you evidently turn every contact with women into a Penthouse Forum scenario comes off as unsavory.

 

Having sex with your new roommate is a bad idea. If you'd like to have a friendly relationship with her, you ought to have some good boundaries. She would certainly appreciate that.

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scorpiogirl
You state this as though I steer the conversation that way, constantly, and this poor little girl is made uncomfortable but is to polite to say anything.

No, that's not the case.

The coconut cream conversation was totally her, I didn't say anything vaguely sexual, she said it.

And....Christ, we live together, I have a few examples out of hundreds of hours of conversation about everything your could imagine...you think I'm some lecherous bastard that turns the conversation to sex at every opportunity...that's not the case at all...Rosebud...I get that you don'tlike me...okay...but sup stop trying to misinterpret anything I say into it's darkest possible meaning.

 

Even you have to admit that's a silly thing to day.

 

You don't know me st at all...

 

We know what you write ... about this woman and ALL the others. How does every woman you're interested in somehow go into the massage mode? You're so predictable already so I'm not sure why you get offended when you follow the pattern we know you to follow?

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Stop trying to shag your roommate.

 

Never heard: 'don't sh*t where you eat'?

 

Never heard: 'hell hath no fury like a woman scorned'?

 

You'll soon find out ;)

 

Good luck bringing any other girls back there. Or trying to get some peace and quiet.

 

You think that you're going to screw her, but you're only screwing yourself.

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GeminiAngel1997

Me and this guy have been friends for years since we were kids and I used to view him as like a brother to me until this past year.

 

This isn't for sure, but she could be like me where she's too afraid to admit her feelings because she doesn't want to ruin your friendship, especially since she doesn't know you like her (back?). Admittedly I've even lied about how I felt before because I'm so nervous about telling him that I've started to look at him differently.

 

If you want to pursue something with your best female friend my advice would be to break up with your current gf and then try to casually talk to your female friend about it... like maybe ask if you guys can have a talk then sit down and explain you don't want to ruin anything if she truly doesn't feel the same way then talk about your feelings and listen to what she has to say.

 

My best guy friend and I haven't made any moves but we've caught each other staring before and we'll make subtle touches. I think he may like me back but not totally sure. We've also "hearted" some of our stuff on Facebook.

 

Good luck!

Edited by GeminiAngel1997
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todreaminblue

hey...this is sort of a back stroy and a complex scenario but ill give it anyway...dated a guy who i only felt for like a brother..i was constantly chased by really persistant men to date them...i knew this guy who i felt for as a brother wanted to date me.......he felt familiar to me so we dated became long term and we had two kids together.....broke up three years later as i really had no heartfelt attraction for him other than as that brother..he looked outside the relationship for that sexual connection...so in other words cheated......we remained friends...i still see him as a brother in fact he has no other family....and we are into a twenty year brother/sister relationship....i basically adopted him.....he sleeps on my couch..ill never desert a brother....he is part of my family..i care for him like i do my own children...i have dated other men and had a long term fifteen year relationship since him...he has had relationships too....he sees me as his sister.....and as an older sister even though i am actually a few years younger

 

i would be careful if she sees you as a brother......just my advice......because sleeping with your brother if you see them that way doesnt feel right.....as it shouldnt...you can deepen friendships into long lasting relationships that are charged and passionate and trust filled..... in fact i believe the best kind of relationships come from the strong bonds of friendship first..but for me if someone sees me as a sister then....thats family.....and you dont go there....its not meant to be...same as if i see a guy as a brother.....i learned my lesson........deb

Edited by todreaminblue
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