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A Big 'Ol Mess!


dbruster0902

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Well, I'm going to try to make this short. I messed up my life big time (or so it feels that way right now). I'm married and I ended falling in love with my same-sex best friend. NEVER in my life did I expect something like that to happen. It took us both by surprise. Sure enough, we couldn't fight it anymore and things got physical. It lasted for a good two years on and off. A lot of fights and guilt have been a big part of that. She's a very strong personality and can be very controlling. I'm more of a follower. The main reason we broke it off (the first time) was because I lied to her. It was stupid, I was scared, but bottom line...I lied. We kind of hooked up off and on after that for a while. But then things cooled for about six months.

 

 

We are still incredibly close best friends. We say I love you and hold hands. She has been hurt by me so much and she has said that its getting easier (feelings wise) to start to move past things. I however, am so far from being able or ready to move forward. She's a very hot/cold person and about a week ago she was giving me mixed feelings. She was very flirty and it seemed like we were on the verge of hooking up. Well, she got mad at me again for something (something stupid to be honest) and said that was the nail in the coffin. I'm heartbroken again. I keep trying to get back with her. I know its wrong. But I fell hard and I don't know what to do. She's in another cold mode and when that happens, it just tears me apart inside.

 

 

She has a lot going on in her life and things are kind of stressful right now. She just went through a traumatic event and I think part of her mixed emotions were coming from the heartache of that. Maybe its how she coped. Well, I fell for it again. And took it as maybe we had another shot. I've heard her say that never again will things happen and that's it, probably about five times. Yet for some reason at some point, she starts to come back. It feels like maybe this is it. I can't let her go. I fell so hard. I'm so lost right now. It stinks too because we are best friends and there is no way we will let that end. It's not even a possibility. Yet, each time I see her...which is almost daily, I continue to fall in love with her.

 

 

Please help!

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You sound incredibly apologetic toward her and I get the sense that you are being manipulated - if not intentionally, then by virtue of your compliant tendency.

 

Why do you accept so much more responsibility for this relationship than you are willing to expect from her? How much responsibility, compassion, and true empathy did she demonstrate when she let you act on these feelings while deceiving your spouse?

 

I think that if how I feel about someone has to be a secret then the feelings are not genuine, and rather they are a ruse to justify some other desire that is being met.

 

I think if you can somehow detach from the notion that you are in love with this woman you may find that there is something else at work here.

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I agree with you. The hard part is doing that. She is manipulative. I know that. It's her nature for some reason. She's a very hot and cold, up and down person. It's the "my way or the highway" attitude all of the time. She's being very cold towards me right now. I was stupid and thought it would be sweat to make a photo video to music. Nothing bad. Just photos and some words that sum up what we've been the last couple of years. Mistake...hit send. She didn't say anything about it and then I became worried I made her mad. She said it was nice, but there were things that shouldn't have been in it. There really wasn't. Secondly, she said she had recently made the same thing for her husband with that same song. Although I should be happy for her and her husband, that was a big ouch. When I got sad and upset, she said it was my fault for sending it. No compassion, nothing. She's actually mad at me right now for getting upset and quiet afterwards.

 

 

I'm at a loss. I know I need to just let go and move on. It's just very difficult.

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I agree with you. The hard part is doing that. She is manipulative. I know that. It's her nature for some reason. She's a very hot and cold, up and down person. It's the "my way or the highway" attitude all of the time. She's being very cold towards me right now. I was stupid and thought it would be sweat to make a photo video to music. Nothing bad. Just photos and some words that sum up what we've been the last couple of years. Mistake...hit send. She didn't say anything about it and then I became worried I made her mad. She said it was nice, but there were things that shouldn't have been in it. There really wasn't. Secondly, she said she had recently made the same thing for her husband with that same song. Although I should be happy for her and her husband, that was a big ouch. When I got sad and upset, she said it was my fault for sending it. No compassion, nothing. She's actually mad at me right now for getting upset and quiet afterwards.

 

 

I'm at a loss. I know I need to just let go and move on. It's just very difficult.

 

I think you have to remove yourself entirely from this relationship in order to get some perspective. Do the math - there are actually 4 dimensions of the primary relationships in this mix: your's with her, her with you, and each of you deceiving your respective spouses.

 

If you know and interact with each other's respective spouse then there's 12 dimensions of relationships being managed or manipulated. Woah!

 

That alone creates more than enough hot/cold, on/off, ambivalence, and necessary manipulation to make anyone crazy. Then there's all the possible identity issues simmering there as well.

 

It's not about the movie, the song, or any of that. I'm sure it's much more close to home. Give yourself a break and work on finding out what you need most that appears to be stirred by this new and very different relationship you've had. If you are clear about your needs and how to get them met - you can't be easily manipulated.

Edited by RRM321
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I would spend some time reflecting on the feedback you just described:

 

You made a tangible, traceable, record and emotional appeal with your video. The response was anger and subordination to her relationship with the husband.

 

She expressed that certain things should not be in there (off limits.)

 

You describe her position as "my way or the highway, hot and cold, etc.

 

I find these characteristic of compartmentalization. She is using anger, distance, and elevation of her husband to set boundaries. Controlling is not an understatement of what she believes is required to maintain this.

 

I believe the message is: stay in your toy box. I think the sexual aspect of your relationship is born out her need for sexual playtime and safe exploration - not romantic love. You'll have to examine for yourself what your own role in this truly means. Your current belief may not be accurate, colored instead by long standing assumptions about love and sex being co-requisites in your own life.

 

I'm not a woman, and have no same gender experiences so, I can't offer much insight on that. It wouldn't surprise me though, to discover that your true love is your own husband, and that what you found in this experience is a bridge to intimacy or excitement that is often suffocated in traditional gender roles. You've experienced something both naughty and nice, so give yourself some time to really figure out what part of yourself you are connecting with or attempting to restore.

 

In the meantime, respect the sensibilities of both your own husband and hers. What's fun and attractive as a secret will be a very different animal in the light of discovery and full disclosure.

Edited by RRM321
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Thank you for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I agree, there is so much control and everything with her. Even on a friendship level. I do need to step back and reflect on things. You guys are a big help. Thank you :)

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Also, I'm not her first affair partner. Not sure if that changes things.

 

Only to the extent that it reinforces her ability to compartmentalize, to separate people into these discreet and contained roles.

 

Some of us find it too hard to do, relationships pull us like a magnet to a compass needle. Others, treat relationships like a box of chocolates - each segregated in it's own little brown wrapper.

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She has a lot going on in her life and things are kind of stressful right now. She just went through a traumatic event and I think part of her mixed emotions were coming from the heartache of that. Maybe its how she coped. Well, I fell for it again. And took it as maybe we had another shot. I've heard her say that never again will things happen and that's it, probably about five times. Yet for some reason at some point, she starts to come back. It feels like maybe this is it. *I can't let her go. **I fell so hard. I'm so lost right now. It stinks too because we are best friends and there is no way we will let that end. It's not even a possibility. Yet, each time I see her...which is almost daily,I continue to fall in love with her. [/i][/b]

 

 

Please help!

 

*Yes you can, but you don't want to.

 

**No you didn't. You jumped.

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Well, bitchiness is in full force with this one!! Wow. Up and down moods. Complete disregard for feelings when she knows how hard this is. Just lack of any compassion. Very frustrating to say the least.

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Well, bitchiness is in full force with this one!! Wow. Up and down moods. Complete disregard for feelings when she knows how hard this is. Just lack of any compassion. Very frustrating to say the least.

 

If you can substitute the word "empathy" for compassion then you are in a danger zone. It sounds like you are extension of herself, she expects you to have no more free will or independent need than would her own left hand.

 

It's a crude and wounding phrasing, but beware of how significant the reference I made earlier to the possibility that she's telling you: stay in the toy box.

 

I don't think you need her in your life as much as you need find and regenerate that part of you she has tapped into. Maybe it's female companionship? How many other active female friendships are in play in your life? Would a larger group of active female friendships diminish the intensity of this one friend now turned sexual?

Edited by RRM321
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You are so correct. Sadly, she is doing that. If she's not hardly talking to me, she's making sure I'm in earshot of her talking about how amazing her husband is (stuff she never used to say). It wouldn't be an issue if she was just saying genuinely saying it. But, she makes sure I'm listening and then gets a grin on her face. Like f-you or something. I'm tired of the shortness and her rudeness. Yet, she always says she loves me and "love you more." I'm at a loss. I guess on the plus side, her crappy behavior this week is making it easier to try to move on.

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You are so correct. Sadly, she is doing that. If she's not hardly talking to me, she's making sure I'm in earshot of her talking about how amazing her husband is (stuff she never used to say). It wouldn't be an issue if she was just saying genuinely saying it. But, she makes sure I'm listening and then gets a grin on her face. Like f-you or something. I'm tired of the shortness and her rudeness. Yet, she always says she loves me and "love you more." I'm at a loss. I guess on the plus side, her crappy behavior this week is making it easier to try to move on.

 

 

It appears like the tow of your are not at all on the same page. It could be she's clueless about your emotions or that she actually gets off on toying with them.

 

Either way, it seems like this is purely sexual for her; while for you, it is emotional.

 

Have you thought about what buttons she is pushing? If you're become more aware of your vulnerability you may feel more self empowered around her.

Edited by RRM321
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She knows very well where my emotions are. This is probably the least respectful she's been during a time of "break up" I guess you could call it. In the past, she's still shown affection and acted like she wanted to be around me. Right now it's like she could give a rats ass if I'm there or not. But if I say something or ask why she's like that, she'll say it's in my head and she's not doing that at all. BULLCRAP.

 

I've found too that if she's in a bad mood or upset about something (even if it's unrelated to me), she lashes out on me. I'm the one who takes the brunt of stuff. She'll go for about a week where I just take the beating for everything that is stressing her out. Another friend of mine calls me her punching bag. And she honestly thinks she gets off (literally) on being controlling and acting like this. The whole toy box thing as you said. If she wants to try putting up a wall to some extent to try to ensure we don't slip back into being romantic, I get that. Being an outright bitch, that's not something I want to deal with. Sorry, just feeling very frustrated right now. Just hung out in a group setting and I watched her be very friendly to everyone else, then with me it was attitude and bs. I'm done with this 8th grade ****.

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She knows very well where my emotions are. This is probably the least respectful she's been during a time of "break up" I guess you could call it. In the past, she's still shown affection and acted like she wanted to be around me. Right now it's like she could give a rats ass if I'm there or not. But if I say something or ask why she's like that, she'll say it's in my head and she's not doing that at all. BULLCRAP.

 

I've found too that if she's in a bad mood or upset about something (even if it's unrelated to me), she lashes out on me. I'm the one who takes the brunt of stuff. She'll go for about a week where I just take the beating for everything that is stressing her out. Another friend of mine calls me her punching bag. And she honestly thinks she gets off (literally) on being controlling and acting like this. The whole toy box thing as you said. If she wants to try putting up a wall to some extent to try to ensure we don't slip back into being romantic, I get that. Being an outright bitch, that's not something I want to deal with. Sorry, just feeling very frustrated right now. Just hung out in a group setting and I watched her be very friendly to everyone else, then with me it was attitude and bs. I'm done with this 8th grade ****.

 

Good.

 

You're at the first stage required to be able to move on: anger. Perhaps this anger will help you see her for who she truly is - and when you have that knowledge, you will be able to more honestly look at the friendship for what it is: Unbalanced and manipulative.

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Need to move on, need to move on lol. It's so hard. A part of me is so irritated and disgusted by the person I've let myself become since all of this started. I'm mad that she's turned into such a heartless jerk. It's Valentine's Day and what a mix of things. Got a nice happy vday text at midnight with some hearts. A random "I love you message" earlier this afternoon, but then just blah whatever in person. Move on, move on...

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A part of me is so irritated and disgusted by the person I've let myself become since all of this started.

 

This is an interesting statement...

 

It's the first time you've actually self-reflected instead of talking about her. ;)

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I'm starting to see things for what they are worth now. It's still hard though.

 

Seeing anything begins with choosing where to look. ;)

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*Yes you can, but you don't want to.

 

**No you didn't. You jumped.

 

Exactly! Satu nailed it. I assume you are still married, right? Your friend is married.

What about your husband, her husband?!?! You seem more worried and concerned about your relationship with her than your husband....

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Update...

 

So not much has changed. It's still a give give give on my end and take take take on hers. There has been some talk and she's been doing the hot and cold crap. Gives me intense looks yet tells me things are over over. That's fine. I just need to try to move on. What bothers me is this...

 

It was just her birthday and I tried to make the day special. Had stuff planned, baked her a cake, got her some really fun gifts. Well, last minute her husband took off work and all our plans went out the window. I understand that she had to say yes to him and I get that. I was hurt though. And all she keeps talking about is how he took off and he's so amazing. Yes, that's good. I know that. But, on my end...I put more into things. I babysat the entire day so they could hang out. I got a "thanks for the stuff" text. That was it. Last year he threw her a party with my help. I did a lot of the work and got a very small thank you from

Her while she gushed over him. I know they had problems before (part of why it was so easy for her to fall for me), but now they are really good and I'm struggling.

 

I made the mistake of acting bothered by her gushing and gushing today. Now she seems pissed that I was bothered.

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dbruster0902

I've posted on here before. I have the big old mess post. Basically, my same Alex best friend and I fell for one another a while ago (2 years ago now) and kind of messed around off and on during that time. Only to end things when she got mad at me for lying. It was a stupid lie, but a lie nonetheless.

 

I miss the relationship terribly. We are still best friends and I'm so thankful for that. However, not having the other is so hard. We have our back and fourth moments. Even talking last night you could tell things were getting flirty. Even after we "broke up" we messed around off and on.

 

Anyway, our relationship is a strange one. She is definitely the strong one. The one in control. Although she feels like I try to take control. I'm sure I do try. Anyways, I've really been struggling lately. I should mention we are both married to men (which makes this so much harder and so much more messed up).

 

Things haven't really changed between us. She's had a rough couple of months (lost a baby). So her hormones are all over the place. She has a guy friend in town (they have been best friends since childhood and dated for a while but she broke it off years ago). Well, he is back saying he wants even just a sliver of her heart. This isn't the first time he's asked. But, the last time he did, I was fully in the picture and she wasn't interested in him at all. Now, her head is all over the place and she's been contemplating having a talk with him about seeing if they should mess around to see if it would help the feelings die down. I of course am freaking out lol. It's a recipe for disaster. She's dealing with a loss and not thinking like she normally would. He just got out of a relationship. I'm a mess because we've been so back and fourth but that's been on our own terms, not ever because of someone else.

 

They had an episode last summer where they made out. And they keep talking well what if it happened, and now curious about that what if. She has told me that they aren't going to talk about it right now. Maybe in 6 months when stuff has settled. He's hanging out with her tonight and of course I'm a wreck. How do I relax and clear my mind!? I'm not making any comments or freaking out to her. If she gets too much crap or questioned to much, she'll get pissed and do something just to prove a point. That's why the episode in the summer happened. And I'm not going to go down that road again lol. But I still can't get them being together out of my head. Please help :/

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dbruster0902

It's amazing how stupid I can be. For months I sat in therapy listening to my therapist tell me not to cross the line to a physical affair with my best friend (both of us are married and we are of the same sex). In therapy I told her about how as our friendship grew, the fun little flirting also grew. It was new. Something neither one of us ever experienced with a woman before. We really focused on not crossing that line. For months we just flirted and said no, we can't do any more.

 

Bam...go away on a shopping trip for a weekend. End up sleeping together and having the most amazing sex of my life. And not just sex. We connected. Instantly. Even more as friends. Electrifying to say the least. For about a year we kept our affair going on and off. She'd have moments of guilt and we'd kind of back off for a while. But the same thing always happened and we'd end up back in one another's arms again.

 

Last summer I was dumb and lied to her. It was something stupid, but still a lie is a lie. She ended it for good (which since we messed around a little). I was devastated. Heart broken. I had lost her. Luckily our friendship stayed in place. That has never faltered. She's my rock. I need her in my life. And she has said she needs me in her's. Since the summer break up, I've continued to hope and try to get things back with her. We've had our moments where we get close to starting things up. But typically I do something to mess it up again.

 

I know this is wrong on so many levels. We www married and should be helping one another focus on that. We are best friends and the more and more we find ourselves in this drama, the higher the chances are our friendship will really become damaged. One minute we are perfect. Getting along great. And other times, I feel like I'm just annoying her. I should say she's very strong and I'm more of the follower so to say. I wait for her to say it's ok and then I'm right there to jump. I know that's wrong. I should grow a backbone.

 

There's another issue...she's very often pursued by ex boyfriends. I'm not just talking the little flirty stuff. I'm talking actual "leave your husband and move with me" stuff. And now there's one who's back in town trying again. She's actually been kind of considering it this time. Or at least seeing if the feelings are real. I'm heart broken. For the last two years, she dodged these invitations because of her and I. Even apart, she'd be thinking about me. And I know she still does. We are very close. And flirt all the time still. She decided to not talk to this guy about that right now and see if things will mellow after a while and wait til he comes to town again. I'm still worried she will start something up with him.

 

This is all such a mess and I should have known better not getting involved. Now I sit here thinking that the reason she is t texting me as much is because she's thinking about him. Which may not even be the case (she is married with a family and big on family time), but my head is going the other direction.

 

Any advice would be great :/

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It started as a friendship, and then it changed into an emotional affair, which became a physical affair, which changed back into an emotional affair, which then became an attempt at a friendship, even though you still have strong romantic feelings for her.

 

You love her more than she loves you.

 

You have eyes only for her, but she's considering her options with an ex.

 

I doubt that she will ever be able to be monogamous with a person of either gender.

 

What kind of a future can you build out of this?

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I get the sense you have very little real understanding of where her head is truly at? Has it occurred to you that this is not the serendipitous relationship you think it is?

 

Is it possible that the key to this drama is that you have more in common with her husband, and all the pursuing ex-boyfriend's?

 

I should say she's very strong and I'm more of the follower so to say. I wait for her to say it's ok and then I'm right there to jump.

 

I think the more likely description of this drama is that she's good at manipulating and stringing along people with certain personality traits. I doubt the world is truly falling at her feet.

Edited by RRM321
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