hot mess...16 years in making

[m007]

guess I need to vent and get it of my chest.

 

I dated a guy 16 years ago, it was more FWB. he was 17, I was 22 (legal where we are). we started as friends, he was the "little" one in the group and than we hooked up. I was his first. he broke it of because I did not want to come out with the relationship and kept it a secret. he dropped out of the group, I changed cities.

 

after a few months we got back in touch and are friends since. we would hook up over years (sex was always great, even when he had no experience, we just match) when we were both single, here and there, remaining each others "go to person" for relationship advice, venting and crying. we were always close. he wanted relationship again at one point but told me when it was too late (we were both with other people). trough all this we remained always very close.

 

I am married for 8 years (10 with my husband) and he has a live in GF for almost 7. our conversations are mostly text since we do not live in the same country now, we used to talk on the phone a lot. sometimes we would not talk for months and sometimes every day. like with any regular friend.

 

things changed a bit 3-4 years ago when our conversations turned bit more sexual. we talked about our relationship before and we know we are each other fantasy but now it turned to flirting and just making each other horny. all this mixed wit usual conversations.

 

I got a child meanwhile, my marriage suffered (my husband has lower libido than me) and he has the similar at home. 1.5 year ago we had a month where we talked every day for hours, whenever we had a chance and most conversations were sexual. his GF figured out he is talking to me (not how, but she is sensitive to me) and wanted him to stop any communication. he obliged and we did not have any contact for a year. and I kind of signed him off.

 

a few months ago (after a year of no contact) I get a message from him, I wrote back after a day (did not know what to think) and than got silence from him. I got mad and wrote him a nasty email, he wrote back apologizing and I cut him off for good. A month later a changed my mind and wrote him that I miss him. now we are again in contact. it has been moths and we text every few days for a few hours. things got sexual again and tense and we decided to cool of that part. we both need to concentrate on our partners.

 

i found out recently my husband cheated on me a few years back. I decided to forgive him and move on. BUT I feel I do not owe him my loyalty any more.

I think of my friend a lot and he thinks of me also. we will probably not meet in future since he does not want to see me at all (he promised his GF he never will).

we talk about all this and we know we love each other but not sure how. but we do. we do not want to leave our partners, that is not even a consideration. I do love my husband and family we have.

 

why do I think of my friend all the time?

[basil67]

Why do you think of him all the time? Probably because you have idealised ideas about him. You've never had to deal with all the day to day stuff which relationships bring.

[m007]

guess he is a distraction from every day life.

I do not want to be with him, that would never work. never had this, to think of somebody so much and not have any ambitions relationship vise.

after 16 years!!!

[road]

Because he flirts with you and makes you feel good. Makes you remember the great sex. Because he keeps in contact so you can not forget the memories.

 

 

This relationship is wrong and must end. You need to block the OM and go NC, no contact with him. Then your feelings for the OM will fade. Allowing you to forget him.

 

 

Does not matter how many affairs your WH had. His behavior can never justify you making your WH into a BH.

[preraph]

If you want to date other people, you need to get a divorce. If you and your husband can't recommit to the relationship, what is the point? He's cheating and you're wanting to. If you love your husband and feel he loves you and has expressed remorse for cheating and you can trust him again, then concentrate on your marriage. If you never can again, divorce.

[m007]

Hmmm... Thing the thing about making me feel good about myself and assement from road is probably right. Do not think I can go NC, not yet. But I can cool off and make a break being in contact. Do not think I will see him soon, we are on other Sides of planet. So this is safe, real cheating vise.

 

But the whole divorce thinking by preraph, that is soooo black and white for me. Is it really marriage=sex? Is that all there is? Is that how loyalty is defined? Just wondering. I love my husband. I can talk days with him about everything, I still laugh with him until my stomach hurts (and than I cry), I love how shockingly great dad he is, how well we travel together... but we were never great lovers and somebody else is pushing my buttons now. That is all this is, somebody else is making me horny. Safely, from distance. I had so many opportunities to really cheat and I did not (not because I am this commited person but because nobody measured up to my partner), I do not crave any random attention by men. This past few weeks I am happier and he is happier since I am more inspired. Is that all that bad?

[zanwalk]

Just think for a moment how you would feel if it was your husband who was in contact with a former girlfriend? I know how you feel having been in a similar situation myself many years ago, but long term it will not bring you happiness, it will only lead to enormous problems if your husband were to find out.

 

You may think it is safe because of the distance, but this guy is taking your eye off your relations with your husband. Believe me, any relationship needs full time commitment from both parties, otherwise there will be problems ahead. If you value your marriage, you have to cut off this other guy completely or this will come back and bite you sometime in the future.

 

In saying this, I am not being unsympathetic towards you as I know how it feels to have another close friend, it is a wonderful feeling. But you have to decide between your husband and this other guy or you will definitely regret it.

 

I wish you well in working it out.

[m007]

zenwalk thank you for response (and to the rest of you).

 

I KNOW you are right! just hard to do it.

this sucks and the only person I can talk to is my BF who is a total man slut (married) and will confuse me even more.

 

thank you guys!

[babycrapgreen]

I think your husband cheating on you makes it a bit easier to idealize this guy, right? See it as, you both cheated on each other... Unless, your husband had sex with someone else. Then, I say, get it out of your system and have sex with this dude. .....

 

Just kidding... LOL... that's my immature advice. You're married and with children. Once you and your husband got married, the decisions you make shouldn't be a selfish one. You should see how your actions and decisions affect your marriage.

[Jersey born raised]

A marriage is a living indepentant entiy no different then you, your husband, and your child. Each enity needs self growth and their needs are equally important. Simple concept but the day to day details are tough.

 

His adultery has and continues to have long term damage to you, therefore your marrage, the marriage is damage therefore your husband and child continue to be damage. That is the truth about either a PA or an EA.

 

The bulk of the heavy lifting to repair the marriage is on him, by creating an environment that allows you to heal regardless of the self-scrarfice to himself. Your biggest task is to avoid the pitfalls of playing the victim card.

 

At this point I would say "what is bad for the goose, is bad for the gander".

[m007]

Yes, you are right my hasband cheating is making me more mad than I tought it ever will. A few days ago it we touched the subject again and it turns out the affair was not a one time thing, more like a few days (whole duration of his trip) and that got me into bad mood again. If he cheated more? Who knows? Why not?

 

Yes babycrapgreen, I totally should **** this guy. Imature? Nah. Just a human mistake as my husband calls his affair.

 

What do I do? I, of course, turn to this guy in anger. And we had intense few days sexting to put it mildly. And I totally would Sleep with him when in the same place, but he does not want to see me at all. He says it is not smart. Of course it is not smart you idiot!

 

My husband is trying. Our sex life is more intense than it has ever been. He made changes in things I mind now that we have a kid. He is trying for sure.

 

So everything you guys wrote here and makes sense I did opposite.

 

This needs to stop. This guy, needs to go. Collateral will be our long term friendship. But I signed that off a few months ago anyways. And need to do that

While still pissed at my husband. No explanation to the guy. Bye. Done. Cut.

 

Bad soap opera. Only thing missing me getting amnesia.

[Jersey born raised]

A no contact letter to him. Explain you reached out in anger caused by your husband. Explain you realize it was a not fair to him and you need to work on your marriage as bad as is. Wish him well in the future sign itnand send it.

 

Your marriage, no two reconcilations are the same. Find a neutral rnentor who can ref the fights to come, call timeouts, and teach the two of you fight and communicate fair.

 

To start your husbands needs to stop protecting his self image and accept the full ramifications of his actions. What you have posted so far about what he has said does not cut it, but you did mention some actions. What has he done?

[m007]

What has he done so far to make things better?

We had a lot of freedom in our realationship: going where you want, not shecking in or saying when you come back, Even trips were sometimes separate...we Both needed this. This is gone for him. He lost this privilege, now he needs to say where he is going, when is he coming back, trips alone not happening for him (I still go). And he is Ok with it and following the new rules. He is more affectionate to me, not leaving this as an after tought. We are more intimate (considering our sex life was gone after the child). He is more willing to discuss stuff he does not care about and I do.

Some of this things were necessary due to the fact that we are not alone any more.

 

What is he to do more?

 

Hoestly I always believed that partner should be trusted and if he does not like it with me he should go somewhere else. Hate checking on him, or snooping phones/emails, controling. Guess I was overconfident.

[m007]

I got busy and had no time for my friend. Time and no contact put some perspective. What was I thinking????

 

Staying away from writing to him, and the more time passes less I want to do it. Strange...

 

Talked about everything with my husband. He wanted to write to him "stay away from my wife" email, luckily talked him out of it (I am the problem not the guy). My husband thinks it is not even sex or attraction that I miss but the fact I lost passion in my life (used to be my profession) and this was a quick fix, distraction: I am so busy, no time for personal things, in a weird dump in my profession, found our he cheated...this guy showed up with his melodrama....

 

ah well...