Feelings For Close Friend and Can't Move On

[Cal01]

I really need some advice on a situation I have found myself in and that is really starting to cause problems for me. Its really now become something holding me back and causing emotional stress.

 

I am 29 and I have been single for about 10 months. In that time I managed to fall in love with a long time best friend. I have been best friends with this girl for about 4 years and we have known each other for much longer. We are really close. In fact we both consider ourselves each others closest friend. We text/talk almost daily, when there is something going on we are each others go to, etc.

 

She is in a relationship that she is currently pretty content with. There had been some rocky times in the past but for now things appear to be fine and she is happy. Even if I felt she had mutual feelings for me, it won't matter because of this relationship.

 

This has been going on for awhile now with my feelings for her and I have gone through stages. At first I had a lot of trouble with the idea that I had feelings but it can't/won't work because of her relationship, then I hit an acceptance with our close platonic relationship for a few months and was actively dating and now sadly I am back where this started.

 

And it sucks because its preventing me from wanting to date just like it did when I first felt this way. What has made this worse as during this stretch where I developed feelings for we've become even closer. She had a falling out with one close friend and her other close friend moved. This has caused her to turn to me for friendship time even more. So its making things worse that by default she wants to talk and hang out even more now.

 

I know things won't work out right now but how can I just accept and enjoy a close platonic relationship with her and move on?

 

I felt I was almost there, but somehow I fell back in this trap. And believe me, I really want to move on but I am struggling with it. I honestly want to go back to being best friends without my feelings for her. It was really a great friendship and she had helped me so much in the past 4 years with relationship advice and just life in general. I have done the same with her as well.

 

As far as how she has views me, real early on when we first met, she had some interest in me. Outside of that, I know she cares for me deeply but as a friend. She goes out of her way all the time to help me if I need it or offer help/advice if she senses I may need it. Also in some way I feel like I'm her emotional boyfriend. She turns to me all the time when she is having an issue, is upset, etc. And its been like that for much longer than I have had feelings for her.

 

I want to force myself to go on dates again. I want to be able to just turn this off and move on. I hate feeling like this. I was on a date two weeks ago, it seemed to go well but then I actually blew this girl off/canceled plans to hang out with my best friend two days later.

 

Another problem I am having is some of my closest friends know her or have mutual friends with her. So I feel like I can't go to them for advice in fear it might get back to her that I have feelings for her. Anyone every been in something like this or know someone who has? I am really looking for some advice and help. I have to get over this somehow.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm NOT going to repeat myself...

I'm NOT going to repeat myself...

I'm NOT going to repeat myself...

I'm NOT going to repeat myself...

I'm NOT going to repeat myself...

 

Ok.

I'm going to repeat myself.

 

Women can do 'platonic' standing on their heads on a traffic cone.

Men can't do platonic for the life of them, without having an agenda.

 

Your agenda - and that of the majority of guys who have so-called 'platonic' relationships, is that really, while your admiration is vertical, what you really want is to get her horizontal.

 

You're going to have to be brutally honest with her for your sake and hers.

 

I mean, brutally.

 

You're going to have to write her a letter, explaining why you can't see her or speak with her, any more. Because you are madly in love with her.

You know she's "forbidden territory" because she's with someone, and it absolutely shatters your heart every time you see her, look at her speak to her, think of her.... and you can't do this any more, it's killing you.

 

You can never, ever 'enjoy a close platonic relationship with her' while you are in love with her.

You can't.

 

Because you're lying.

To her, and to yourself.

And frankly?

Who gives dafuq whether people know how you feel about her, or not?

It's not losing face, it's not admitting a weakness.

It's being up-front, straight up, honest and true to yourself.

But you have a choice now:

Either carry on seeing her under the pretence of friendship (which will inhibit your progress and prevent you from living your own life, free of the burden of being in love with her)

 

or you can be completely honest with everyone, get it off your chest - but cease contact with her until you get over it.

I recommend the latter.

But as to how long that will take?

 

Up to you.

Pining for someone unattainable is not healthy though.

[privategal]

Its not OK for one friend to rely on another so heavily for emotional support and friendship. She does this to you but then again you do it right back by either allowing it or wanting to be around her as you love her.

If you were able to stay friends and fight through this before, you can do so again.

You could have a talk and say, hey, we spend so much time together its hard to find dates, I gotta get myself out there!

Then dial back a bit, allow your feelings to settle, I think she is your emotional crutch when your lonely, and it may seem a lot like love for her, but maybe it isn't?

Either way, fess up or dial back but set up a dating profile online and get your life on track, get a new job maybe so you can meet new people but also busy yourself with new things, see if your coworkers go out and join them, but even If you didn't have feelings for her, your too centered on one friend.

You need to focus more on the big picture and broaden your circle and also learn to enjoy being alone.

[TheTraveler]

Quit wasting time with this woman and go find your own.

[preraph]

I would agree with you not to go to mutual friends for advice. Listen I have been on both sides of this situation. I have had more than one good male friend I wished had been more and I've been the "best friend" and "good friend" that guys decided to go after. None of that worked out. And yes, I too had a circle of friends and everyone knew everyone and their business and we all went to the same venues and there was no just walking away. I had to deal with it, over and over again.

 

Instead of having the desire to get advice or help from the others in the circle, which will only get back to her, forget about talking to them about her. But DO contact other friends and arrange to go places together and have fun and just reconnect. Do NOT talk any more about her than just respond to "How's Mary?" with "Fine, as far as I know."

 

Remember the goal here is not to hope for a magical spontaneous solution that will unburden you of this problem but for you to discipline your thoughts and actions and unburden yourself. And I've had to do that and done it successfully. My case was extreme because there was a mystery component. I had no idea what was going on with him (ED), so I had to just forget about understanding it and MAKE myself stop thinking of him and see other people as much as possible, knowing he was always going to be around while I'm trying to do this and so were his friends.

 

I had to start extreme, so for every time I had a thought about him, I'd switch it to thinking of two things that I didn't like or things he'd done I didn't like. I kept that up for a couple of months and began to see him more dispassionately. Hopefully your situation isn't that extreme and you can just move to becoming more active, social and scheduling and planning distractions.

 

Don't wait for things to happen or invitations. Just start going places and inviting friends and travel if you can because that always makes the world seem large and your problems seem small. Get away from your part of town and friends some and expand your universe. Tap everyone you know and start getting busy socially and crowd out the constant thoughts of her with deliberate new thoughts and eventually her importance will diminish. Minimize contact with her, of course. Don't give her any explanation beyond, "Oh, I already made plans, sorry." Don't tell her with who or what and get off the phone of stop texting. Don't let her include herself. Just be "too busy" and "gotta run." You have to do this for yourself. This probably will pique her interest, but if she hasn't been interested before now, just keep that in mind. You've had a long time for something to develop if it was going to. Keep going out with friends, out in public, not sitting in their room on a game machine, and you will eventually meet someone new. Good luck.

[Cal01]

Definitely alot of advice and different takes. I appreciate everyone that has posted and given their take on my situation!

 

Tara, I definitely understand where you are coming from. You are right, woman can do platonic with ease, and apparently it is extremely difficult for a guy to do that.

 

The one thing is I had a close platonic relationship with her for about 4 years without any of these issues of feelings cropping up. Now I think part of that has to do with me being in a relationship for more than half of it, but even when I was single during this time frame, we were close and I never thought of her as anything more than a best friend.

 

I don't want to completely cut things off, I don't want to lose a friend over this. It would obviously hurt her if I just cut things off completely, she lost two close friends recently. As you get older it becomes more difficult to find true friends, she is most definitely one, I have to figure off how to turn off my feelings for her. But, also its my life, I have to live it to its fullest. I want to just get back on track with my life and go into dating without these feelings.

 

I know this does go against your advice largely but I just can't cut her off completely. It just isn't something I am willing to do, so I have to accept that isn't happening, and work with moving on with her still in my life as a friend.

 

PrivateGal, you were spot on with two things you mentioned! I definitely need to scale back on communication and hanging out. I really like the idea of using dating as the guise for this. I think it is something she'd not only understand but would accept and be happy for me. Its obviously playing on my emotions with us constantly texting/talking and hanging out. This is probably what caused me to fall of track.

 

You are also right in what you said about me also using her as an emotional crutch. Honestly I did this long before I had feelings for her. I remember after my most recent breakup, I leaned on her heavily to get me through it as it was a bad breakup. So I am very guilty of this too and I have essentially given her the green like to use me as an emotional crutch whenever she feels the need to. Best friends are there when each other need them but I think we both have tapped into this too much.

[Cal01]

I would agree with you not to go to mutual friends for advice. Listen I have been on both sides of this situation. I have had more than one good male friend I wished had been more and I've been the "best friend" and "good friend" that guys decided to go after. None of that worked out. And yes, I too had a circle of friends and everyone knew everyone and their business and we all went to the same venues and there was no just walking away. I had to deal with it, over and over again.

 

Instead of having the desire to get advice or help from the others in the circle, which will only get back to her, forget about talking to them about her. But DO contact other friends and arrange to go places together and have fun and just reconnect. Do NOT talk any more about her than just respond to "How's Mary?" with "Fine, as far as I know."

 

Remember the goal here is not to hope for a magical spontaneous solution that will unburden you of this problem but for you to discipline your thoughts and actions and unburden yourself. And I've had to do that and done it successfully. My case was extreme because there was a mystery component. I had no idea what was going on with him (ED), so I had to just forget about understanding it and MAKE myself stop thinking of him and see other people as much as possible, knowing he was always going to be around while I'm trying to do this and so were his friends.

 

I had to start extreme, so for every time I had a thought about him, I'd switch it to thinking of two things that I didn't like or things he'd done I didn't like. I kept that up for a couple of months and began to see him more dispassionately. Hopefully your situation isn't that extreme and you can just move to becoming more active, social and scheduling and planning distractions.

 

Don't wait for things to happen or invitations. Just start going places and inviting friends and travel if you can because that always makes the world seem large and your problems seem small. Get away from your part of town and friends some and expand your universe. Tap everyone you know and start getting busy socially and crowd out the constant thoughts of her with deliberate new thoughts and eventually her importance will diminish. Minimize contact with her, of course. Don't give her any explanation beyond, "Oh, I already made plans, sorry." Don't tell her with who or what and get off the phone of stop texting. Don't let her include herself. Just be "too busy" and "gotta run." You have to do this for yourself. This probably will pique her interest, but if she hasn't been interested before now, just keep that in mind. You've had a long time for something to develop if it was going to. Keep going out with friends, out in public, not sitting in their room on a game machine, and you will eventually meet someone new. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your words and advice!

 

Your past situation with the circle of friends is exactly my problem. And I feel a little more justified in keep this private from them for the reason you stated. Thanks!

 

You are right, I think occasionally my mind slips into the trap of thinking there is a magical solution to this issue. I have to use discipline to work myself through this. Its a good strategy of thinking and my situation. Regardless of my dating and trying to deal with this, she isn't going to stop being a best friend. I am hoping I don't have to go to the extremes as you did. She's never done anything since I have known her to hurt me, I can't use that thinking.

 

Thinking about how I managed to for a stretch accept things and actively date was the fact that I was pretty active in that time period. The weather was nice, there were a lot of plans with friends that didn't involve her. We still hung out and talked but not to the extent we do now. The more active I am in the social scene, just by shear probability, I am going to meet more and more single woman. That is kind of how things were going before I fell back into this trap.

 

I am curious on your take on this. A few weeks ago, she was pretty noisy about the girl I went out on a take and wanted to know how things were going. She told me that if I need help at all with dating, just let her know. I don't know if it would help me personally to just tell her I am having trouble finding dates, see if she can help me in that regard. I worry it might make it more difficult to move on with my feelings from her BUT she knows me better than anyone and might be a pretty good match maker?

[freebird31]

I am in a very simiar situation as you are. It is very tough to remain just friends with that person. And it feels like he is okay with being just friends with me because he is the one who has a girfriend. It feels like it doesnt phase him like it does me. But reading the responses above, i feel like distancing myself from him will help me out.

 

While i do have a lot of love for this person. And respect him as a person and friend, it is just too hard, too draining to remain just friends with him. It breaks my heart every time when I see a picture of him and his girfriend happy together.

 

While it seems like he is the only nice and genuine person, who i have great chemistry with that i will ever meet, I have to stop with that kind of thinking.

The world is a large, large place. Theres a whole world out there.

 

I think i am going to just minimize the contact with this person. Because as much as i love talking to him, i feel like its just toxic for me. With the little things that he says to me, breaks my heart every time. Whether he talks about his girlfriend or he says something to me like i am one of a kind, i cannot do it. Its too hard. And i feel like it has held me back from dating and getting out there.

 

It is so hard, but I have to find a way to work past this. To fight the urge to want to speak with him. I just have to distance myself from this person. Because remaining friends with him is hard/:

[preraph]

Thank you for your words and advice!

 

Your past situation with the circle of friends is exactly my problem. And I feel a little more justified in keep this private from them for the reason you stated. Thanks!

 

You are right, I think occasionally my mind slips into the trap of thinking there is a magical solution to this issue. I have to use discipline to work myself through this. Its a good strategy of thinking and my situation. Regardless of my dating and trying to deal with this, she isn't going to stop being a best friend. I am hoping I don't have to go to the extremes as you did. She's never done anything since I have known her to hurt me, I can't use that thinking.

 

Thinking about how I managed to for a stretch accept things and actively date was the fact that I was pretty active in that time period. The weather was nice, there were a lot of plans with friends that didn't involve her. We still hung out and talked but not to the extent we do now. The more active I am in the social scene, just by shear probability, I am going to meet more and more single woman. That is kind of how things were going before I fell back into this trap.

 

I am curious on your take on this. A few weeks ago, she was pretty noisy about the girl I went out on a take and wanted to know how things were going. She told me that if I need help at all with dating, just let her know. I don't know if it would help me personally to just tell her I am having trouble finding dates, see if she can help me in that regard. I worry it might make it more difficult to move on with my feelings from her BUT she knows me better than anyone and might be a pretty good match maker?

 

Well, of course, the fact she is willing to be your matchmaker means she is not interested in you romantically, or she wouldn't do that. But it does mean you are a good friend to her that she wants to see happy. You were able to keep her in perspective and not focus on her when you were busy doing other things, and so that is definitely what you need to do. I would not get some big thing started with her matchmaking for you because it might get a little awkward, but you could maybe say, "Well, I wouldn't want you to go pimping for me, but is there someone in particular you think might be a good fit?" Just in case she actually has a friend who has a crush on you or something! You know, girls know all about their girlfriends' crushes and stuff. So that might be worth just asking in case there's some friend of hers who has said you're cute or something.

 

But don't limit it to that or make that a big ongoing project because you do need to limit your time with her and get social and start dating!

 

Good luck. I think you'll be okay as soon as you start putting yourself out there again.

[privategal]

Definitely alot of advice and different takes. I appreciate everyone that has posted and given their take on my situation!

 

Tara, I definitely understand where you are coming from. You are right, woman can do platonic with ease, and apparently it is extremely difficult for a guy to do that.

 

The one thing is I had a close platonic relationship with her for about 4 years without any of these issues of feelings cropping up. Now I think part of that has to do with me being in a relationship for more than half of it, but even when I was single during this time frame, we were close and I never thought of her as anything more than a best friend.

 

I don't want to completely cut things off, I don't want to lose a friend over this. It would obviously hurt her if I just cut things off completely, she lost two close friends recently. As you get older it becomes more difficult to find true friends, she is most definitely one, I have to figure off how to turn off my feelings for her. But, also its my life, I have to live it to its fullest. I want to just get back on track with my life and go into dating without these feelings.

 

I know this does go against your advice largely but I just can't cut her off completely. It just isn't something I am willing to do, so I have to accept that isn't happening, and work with moving on with her still in my life as a friend.

 

PrivateGal, you were spot on with two things you mentioned! I definitely need to scale back on communication and hanging out. I really like the idea of using dating as the guise for this. I think it is something she'd not only understand but would accept and be happy for me. Its obviously playing on my emotions with us constantly texting/talking and hanging out. This is probably what caused me to fall of track.

 

You are also right in what you said about me also using her as an emotional crutch. Honestly I did this long before I had feelings for her. I remember after my most recent breakup, I leaned on her heavily to get me through it as it was a bad breakup. So I am very guilty of this too and I have essentially given her the green like to use me as an emotional crutch whenever she feels the need to. Best friends are there when each other need them but I think we both have tapped into this too much.

 

I think when you've got a best friend of the opposite sex it is easy to develop feelings because its like a faux boyfriend or girlfriend.

They help you, share, listen, talk, are honest...it looks and feels like a dating relationship. Sometimes when you are vulnerable its easy to fall back on your wing girl or guy and sometimes its hard for the mind to convince the heart...these aren't true feelings, this is a PLATONIC friend.

Instead the heart is like "but she's pretty and understanding and thinks Im great and calls me" its real hard to NOT think theres something more when your lonely or feeling vulnerable or theres a void.

 

The thing is, its a no go...not because you arent good enough or don't make her feel a certain way...but because you are WAY MORE VALUABLE than just some guy she dates. You are MORE special than that.

You keep dating and trying and continue dialing back SO much convo with her and let her know you can't wait to do double dates and introduce her to your next girlfriend but your putting all your energy on the dating scene right now and really trying.

Say hey soon send me an update on your life...hope things are great and let's catch up soon. Let her initiate. You don't have to. You are single and ready to mingle! LOL

Try a yoga class. When I go there are lots of straight guys and the yoga community is pretty laid back and open so girls there are generally calmer and more expressive with exchanging general hellos or small talk after class.

Try new things either way. Whats the worst that can happen?

[Cal01]

I am in a very simiar situation as you are. It is very tough to remain just friends with that person. And it feels like he is okay with being just friends with me because he is the one who has a girfriend. It feels like it doesnt phase him like it does me. But reading the responses above, i feel like distancing myself from him will help me out.

 

While i do have a lot of love for this person. And respect him as a person and friend, it is just too hard, too draining to remain just friends with him. It breaks my heart every time when I see a picture of him and his girfriend happy together.

 

While it seems like he is the only nice and genuine person, who i have great chemistry with that i will ever meet, I have to stop with that kind of thinking.

The world is a large, large place. Theres a whole world out there.

 

I think i am going to just minimize the contact with this person. Because as much as i love talking to him, i feel like its just toxic for me. With the little things that he says to me, breaks my heart every time. Whether he talks about his girlfriend or he says something to me like i am one of a kind, i cannot do it. Its too hard. And i feel like it has held me back from dating and getting out there.

 

It is so hard, but I have to find a way to work past this. To fight the urge to want to speak with him. I just have to distance myself from this person. Because remaining friends with him is hard/:

 

I am sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Our situations share many similarities and I share some of the same emotions as you do.

 

I feel in your situation, distancing yourself may actually work. The fact you feel its a toxic to be around him and it breaks your heart every time you see him with his girlfriend definitely supports the idea that some distance would do you good.

 

Does he consider you his best friend? Does he turn to you often when dealing with life issues? Just curious if you have that aspect in this situation. That is my problem, this girl views me as her best friend and seeks out my advice or vents to me about things going on in her life all the time. I don't blame her because prior to me developing feelings for her, this happened all the time. I did it back to her, as I mentioned before, we were best friends and used each other for an emotional crutch. As much as I just want to distance myself from her completely at times, I don't want to lose or close friendship. Its just one of those things, friends like that are hard to find in life, especially as you get older.

 

I wish you the best of luck with your situation and I think like myself, dating and meeting other people is the best remedy because you have to live your own life!

[Cal01]

Well, of course, the fact she is willing to be your matchmaker means she is not interested in you romantically, or she wouldn't do that. But it does mean you are a good friend to her that she wants to see happy. You were able to keep her in perspective and not focus on her when you were busy doing other things, and so that is definitely what you need to do. I would not get some big thing started with her matchmaking for you because it might get a little awkward, but you could maybe say, "Well, I wouldn't want you to go pimping for me, but is there someone in particular you think might be a good fit?" Just in case she actually has a friend who has a crush on you or something! You know, girls know all about their girlfriends' crushes and stuff. So that might be worth just asking in case there's some friend of hers who has said you're cute or something.

 

But don't limit it to that or make that a big ongoing project because you do need to limit your time with her and get social and start dating!

 

Good luck. I think you'll be okay as soon as you start putting yourself out there again.

 

Thanks, I agree with you and have been hesitant to take her matchmaking offer. And I also agree, the fact that she has offered this, suggests she wants to see me happy and not get intimately involved with me.

 

I was texting her earlier and actually took the line you gave me asking if she knew if anyone of the single girls in our circle had a crush on me/feelings for me. I figured why not use this to my advantage? It can't hurt and I don't think this would turn into a project. If she does give me some feedback that one of them does, I'll independently make plans with her if I have an interest in her too.

 

Thank you for the advice, you'll be quite helpful. I hope so. I am trying to move on and get to a point where I was prior to falling into this trap again. Its just not easy at times, I guess its only human nature that you can't completely repress feelings for someone. As you mentioned earlier, they may not even be real, they may have just developed because of my situation. And I view this all as I need to move on and fall in love with someone else to essentially save my best friendship with her.

[Cal01]

I think when you've got a best friend of the opposite sex it is easy to develop feelings because its like a faux boyfriend or girlfriend.

They help you, share, listen, talk, are honest...it looks and feels like a dating relationship. Sometimes when you are vulnerable its easy to fall back on your wing girl or guy and sometimes its hard for the mind to convince the heart...these aren't true feelings, this is a PLATONIC friend.

Instead the heart is like "but she's pretty and understanding and thinks Im great and calls me" its real hard to NOT think theres something more when your lonely or feeling vulnerable or theres a void.

 

The thing is, its a no go...not because you arent good enough or don't make her feel a certain way...but because you are WAY MORE VALUABLE than just some guy she dates. You are MORE special than that.

You keep dating and trying and continue dialing back SO much convo with her and let her know you can't wait to do double dates and introduce her to your next girlfriend but your putting all your energy on the dating scene right now and really trying.

Say hey soon send me an update on your life...hope things are great and let's catch up soon. Let her initiate. You don't have to. You are single and ready to mingle! LOL

Try a yoga class. When I go there are lots of straight guys and the yoga community is pretty laid back and open so girls there are generally calmer and more expressive with exchanging general hellos or small talk after class.

Try new things either way. Whats the worst that can happen?

 

The "way more valuable" point is excellent. She is way more valuable to me than some girl I date. This alone should convince me of moving on whenever I get in the I have feelings for her mood again.

 

I do want to go on double dates with her and her bf, I even mentioned that to her recently when we were talking about a fitness class we both go to.

 

I have recently dialed back on hanging out with her. We have routine though set and it would be hard to break. I don't want to break it either. We have a fitness class we go together to twice a week and we usually grab coffee after one of the fitness classes. Also we almost always go out for drinks friday with our circle of friends. At some point that always turns into her talking to me alone about a bunch of different things, sometimes stories of older times come up. We have met up outside of this and I have cut that out last two weeks. Maybe I can cut out the coffee after fitness class and knock off the one on one long conversations we have on friday?

 

The yoga class is actually a good idea and I have been wanted to take one of these anyways, they offer many at the gym I go to.

 

Thanks for your advice, you have been particularly helpful and I appreciate it. This is still difficult to handle at times, I am doing better with it then when I initially made this thread but I am by no means out of the woods and still have days where this bothers me.

[privategal]

I'll be honest I was there WAY too long in your shoes with a platonic best friend that I had unrequited feelings for and it really wore me down and hurt.

So...not a fan of lying...but a little white lie to help your heart might be ok.

Id say...hey my backs been bothering me...need a week or two from class..might miss Friday too...see you soon.

Then skip the classes (then you automatically skip coffee) and miss the Friday happy hour (and I know that means missing all your friends but not permanently) then fill your time with the yoga (if she found out, its a good back stretch) if you can give it as much time, space, perspective, fill your days with ANYTHING else til time does its thing to allow some feelings to start to die down etc etc.

I think you CAN be friends later...right now you need a solid mind and heart and to gather thoughts and strength.

You will struggle understandably being around her until you get settled in and straightenrd around internally.

Right now you need a break without being too crazy obvious but only your heart and feelings matter so always look after YOU first cause again....no greater pain...at least in my exoerience than unrequited love.

Yes, knock out by any excuse possible the coffee, classes, happy hour...white lies=protecting your heart now.

[Cal01]

I'll be honest I was there WAY too long in your shoes with a platonic best friend that I had unrequited feelings for and it really wore me down and hurt.

So...not a fan of lying...but a little white lie to help your heart might be ok.

Id say...hey my backs been bothering me...need a week or two from class..might miss Friday too...see you soon.

Then skip the classes (then you automatically skip coffee) and miss the Friday happy hour (and I know that means missing all your friends but not permanently) then fill your time with the yoga (if she found out, its a good back stretch) if you can give it as much time, space, perspective, fill your days with ANYTHING else til time does its thing to allow some feelings to start to die down etc etc.

I think you CAN be friends later...right now you need a solid mind and heart and to gather thoughts and strength.

You will struggle understandably being around her until you get settled in and straightenrd around internally.

Right now you need a break without being too crazy obvious but only your heart and feelings matter so always look after YOU first cause again....no greater pain...at least in my exoerience than unrequited love.

Yes, knock out by any excuse possible the coffee, classes, happy hour...white lies=protecting your heart now.

 

Thank you again for your advice! I am sorry you have to struggle a very long time with the same platonic situation with a best friend. I couldn't imagine what you went through!

 

I am curious, were you best platonic friends first and then you developed feelings for him OR was he a crush initially? Also when you finally did get through this, what helped the most? Finding someone OR did you get yourself in check eternally beforehand? I hope you are in a much better place now!

 

The hardest part of this whole thing is we were platonic for so long, I never had feelings for her and she was my go to for help/advice/emotional support. It was just like a male best friend except with the obvious expertise on advice with girls, etc. And while I feel at least for her its being completely platonic the entire time. She used me alot of support throughout and advice, I know I have always been her go to. There have been two incidents were she went way beyond the call and sacrificed something in her life to support me or help me out in a situation.

 

So I bring this up because I like your idea and think if I completely removed her for a month of my life, it probably would give me extra help to get everything in check internally. The thing is, she'll know something is up after a week and she'll think she upset me or did something wrong, etc. So it puts me a tough place and I am just really conflicted. I always think back to those two situations when I consider the complete distance thing.

 

First and foremost its about my heart and myself. I really am trying to put that first. And I started Yoga today, you were right !!!

[Cal01]

Just an update.

 

I am doing much better with this but not completely out of the woods.

 

I have gone out on two dates since my last post. I wasn't into the first girl I went out with but she was into me. Tables completely turned on the second date. But the thing of this is, while I was talking to both girls and out on dates with them, I had my mind completely off my developed feelings. So I just need to continue doing this because its really the only way I am going to force myself out of this situation.

 

I still meet my best friend out for the 2 fitness classes and out group happy hour with friends, still can't find it in me to stop doing that. We are still exchanging texts but they actually have been more focused on these two dates and she even said she knows of two female friends she thinks I would connect with and to "just ask" if I want her help or want her to try to set me up with either. This is a clear indication in my opinion (and like some have said) she loves me as her best friend but not anything past platonic. And I want to get back to loving her 100% platonic, like I had for years.

 

So I think I am getting better handling this but not completely moved on from this. Which I guess is expected, I did do this once, so I know I can get to a point where I don't feel like this again! I definitely feel these feelings much less, which is an accomplishment for me. Need to continue down this direction!

[Satu]

Maybe you can't because you keep telling yourself that you can't.

 

Self-talk is very powerful.