Found out a coworker likes me. How to draw a line?

[Jammer25]

So I work on a team of 3 at my current job, consisting of myself and two women. One is married and the other is single, and we're all good friends. We regularly hang outside of work. But recently, I've noticed the single coworker changing her behavior towards me.

 

She's become more touchy, asking me more personal questions, even wanting me to go on walks with her after the 3-4 of us (sometimes the married one's husband comes along) have dinner.

 

I was denying the obviousness of those signs, because I'm generally against getting involved with someone at work. Much less someone on the same team. Last week I had a conversation with the married coworker, who told me that the single one admitted she would be interested in dating me if we didn't work together.

 

Here I am wondering what the deal is. Does she see me as a "work boyfriend/husband" in lieu of not wanting a full-blown relationship? I also wonder if it's case where she likes me more than she is admitting to herself. I'm not particularly attracted to her, and I do not want to lead her on any more than I may already have.

 

I'm considering how it could affect the dynamic of the team I'm on. I have great teammates and a great boss, who is helping set me up for a promotion or transfer this year to a better position. So I don't want something like this to potentially mess with my career path either.

 

Any thoughts on how I could best draw that line with her? Preferably without rocking the boat so to speak. Thanks in advance!

[road]

So I work on a team of 3 at my current job, consisting of myself and two women. One is married and the other is single, and we're all good friends. We regularly hang outside of work. But recently, I've noticed the single coworker changing her behavior towards me.

 

She's become more touchy, asking me more personal questions, even wanting me to go on walks with her after the 3-4 of us (sometimes the married one's husband comes along) have dinner.

 

I was denying the obviousness of those signs, because I'm generally against getting involved with someone at work. Much less someone on the same team. Last week I had a conversation with the married coworker, who told me that the single one admitted she would be interested in dating me if we didn't work together.

 

Here I am wondering what the deal is. Does she see me as a "work boyfriend/husband" in lieu of not wanting a full-blown relationship? I also wonder if it's case where she likes me more than she is admitting to herself. I'm not particularly attracted to her, and I do not want to lead her on any more than I may already have.

 

I'm considering how it could affect the dynamic of the team I'm on. I have great teammates and a great boss, who is helping set me up for a promotion or transfer this year to a better position. So I don't want something like this to potentially mess with my career path either.

 

Any thoughts on how I could best draw that line with her? Preferably without rocking the boat so to speak. Thanks in advance!

 

 

Here's the deal, I have known many people that have dated and married their co worker.

 

 

The problem dating is when one of the two is only looking to use and lose, aka a player.

 

 

So if a man's intentions are honorable then go for it.

[Montgomery Burns]

So I work on a team of 3 at my current job, consisting of myself and two women. One is married and the other is single, and we're all good friends. We regularly hang outside of work. But recently, I've noticed the single coworker changing her behavior towards me.

 

She's become more touchy, asking me more personal questions, even wanting me to go on walks with her after the 3-4 of us (sometimes the married one's husband comes along) have dinner.

 

I was denying the obviousness of those signs, because I'm generally against getting involved with someone at work. Much less someone on the same team. Last week I had a conversation with the married coworker, who told me that the single one admitted she would be interested in dating me if we didn't work together.

 

Here I am wondering what the deal is. Does she see me as a "work boyfriend/husband" in lieu of not wanting a full-blown relationship? I also wonder if it's case where she likes me more than she is admitting to herself. I'm not particularly attracted to her, and I do not want to lead her on any more than I may already have.

 

I'm considering how it could affect the dynamic of the team I'm on. I have great teammates and a great boss, who is helping set me up for a promotion or transfer this year to a better position. So I don't want something like this to potentially mess with my career path either.

 

Any thoughts on how I could best draw that line with her? Preferably without rocking the boat so to speak. Thanks in advance!

 

If it were me, if a coworker I liked didnt like me, I would notice a bit if we stopped seeing each otheer outside of work or the extra conversation.

 

That would drive the point home. After a few Weeks/Months it will be clear. Plus you willbe able to focus on your carrer without upsetting her.

 

By seeing her outside of work, she thinks you want more time around her.

[Jammer25]

Here's the deal, I have known many people that have dated and married their co worker.

 

The problem dating is when one of the two is only looking to use and lose, aka a player.

 

So if a man's intentions are honorable then go for it.

 

This was not the point of my post, and is a clouded misunderstanding on your part.

 

If it were me, if a coworker I liked didnt like me, I would notice a bit if we stopped seeing each otheer outside of work or the extra conversation.

 

That would drive the point home. After a few Weeks/Months it will be clear. Plus you willbe able to focus on your carrer without upsetting her.

 

By seeing her outside of work, she thinks you want more time around her.

 

I thought about that. It makes sense to me, but I have only ever hung out with her alone once. 99% of the time it is at least the 3 of us (myself and the two women on my team).

 

But yes, cutting out the extra stuff like staying later for a conversation seems like a safe way to drive that point home. She is pretty sensitive when it comes to emotions and sentimentality.

 

I still care about her as a friend after all. But from my perspective, I don't think she realizes the extent of her feelings. Which could make it trickier if I don't handle it correctly.

[loverboy69]

You can mention that your boyfriend is moving in with you. That would drive home the point immediately.

 

I'm actually gay. I use it all the time. It works since I get hit on by a lot of women.

 

But seriously I feel for you. It's never easy to give or take rejection especially with a co-worker. I've been there so many times. Once the line is crossed the dynamic will change forever and the cohesiveness of the team will fall apart. I'm afraid that since she is already expressing signs of interest that she will start to display a colder demeanor with you shortly.

 

Good luck bro. Let us know how it turns out.

Edited January 3, 2016 by loverboy69

[Montgomery Burns]

This was not the point of my post, and is a clouded misunderstanding on your part.

 

 

 

I thought about that. It makes sense to me, but I have only ever hung out with her alone once. 99% of the time it is at least the 3 of us (myself and the two women on my team).

 

But yes, cutting out the extra stuff like staying later for a conversation seems like a safe way to drive that point home. She is pretty sensitive when it comes to emotions and sentimentality.

 

I still care about her as a friend after all. But from my perspective, I don't think she realizes the extent of her feelings. Which could make it trickier if I don't handle it correctly.

 

I am currently in a similar situation, and unsure if he likes me as well, pretty sure he does but I do not want to make things akward. I talk to no one about this and keep thibgs very professional. Maybee hop over to my post for some POV.

 

I would be so embarassed if I put myself out there and he was just like, no thanks. I dont work in his group so not as close but equally scary. Being subtle by pulling back would work for me and I think most women too. Good Luck!

[Beach Guy]

Tell the married coworker to tell the co-worker to first find another job, start working there, and only then ask you out. At which point you could say yes or no without a conflict of interest.

[privategal]

Your only recourse is to pull way back, no smiling eye contact, just nothing to give a green light. No personal convo, no casual lunches. When it's steered toward personal, tell the girls you try to keep work seperate and quickly steer the subject back to work.

Also dating and personal stuff awkwardky came up during a team lunch years ago when I was single and felt the attraction to me from q male colleague. I was able to say loud and clear now that the subject was indirectly on the table that I don't date coworkers. It worked out great.

You could discreetly ask the married colleague the same question you asked us...in which casr it would likely get back to her "its a no go"

[preraph]

Well, since the married one obviously talks confidentially to the single one, I'd use that pathway to get word back to her that you are not interested. I would exaggerate a little and tell the married one, "Oh, wow, I really don't want that to get started at work. I had a bad experience dating someone at an old job once. never again." Or "Oh, well, that's nice, I guess, but we do work together, and I have something going on anyway" (nice and vague so no one asks questions or invites her to come along. You do need to nip it. But the married one can do that for you.

[Jammer25]

I am currently in a similar situation, and unsure if he likes me as well, pretty sure he does but I do not want to make things akward. I talk to no one about this and keep thibgs very professional. Maybee hop over to my post for some POV.

 

I would be so embarassed if I put myself out there and he was just like, no thanks. I dont work in his group so not as close but equally scary. Being subtle by pulling back would work for me and I think most women too. Good Luck!

 

Thanks! I will definitely update how it goes putting distance between me and her. If push comes to shove, I will wait until we're away from other people or outside of work hours to talk to her. Hopefully at that point a polite, direct response about where I stand will be okay. Without hurt or heartbreak, anyway.

 

Your only recourse is to pull way back, no smiling eye contact, just nothing to give a green light. No personal convo, no casual lunches. When it's steered toward personal, tell the girls you try to keep work seperate and quickly steer the subject back to work.

Also dating and personal stuff awkwardky came up during a team lunch years ago when I was single and felt the attraction to me from q male colleague. I was able to say loud and clear now that the subject was indirectly on the table that I don't date coworkers. It worked out great.

You could discreetly ask the married colleague the same question you asked us...in which casr it would likely get back to her "its a no go"

 

Well, since the married one obviously talks confidentially to the single one, I'd use that pathway to get word back to her that you are not interested. I would exaggerate a little and tell the married one, "Oh, wow, I really don't want that to get started at work. I had a bad experience dating someone at an old job once. never again." Or "Oh, well, that's nice, I guess, but we do work together, and I have something going on anyway" (nice and vague so no one asks questions or invites her to come along. You do need to nip it. But the married one can do that for you.

 

I'd hate to drag the married one into any more potential drama. A bit more backstory:

 

Before the change in the single one's behavior, she was pretty cold to the married coworker for a few weeks. She would always say how I was closer to her instead, and to be careful that we didn't fall for each other given how she was married. I sit directly across from the married one, and the single one is a few desks down so it's really just a difference of proximity. (We tend to joke around at work a lot during breaks.) It was so off base, that the married one and I had a long talk about how there was absolutely nothing there. And there isn't - I'm close with her but we're like brother and sister.

 

It had me thinking that the single one was jealous. I guess she got over her assumptions with time, but now I feel like the married one has an assumption about me and the single one. A few weeks ago she flat out asked me if the two of us were dating, which I denied.

 

But now when we hang out, she leaves early as if to give the two of us some time together. She'll make certain comments when we joke around about how she should give us some space. So I'm feeling like I'll have to quell her thoughts too, but that's not as difficult as addressing the single one's feelings.

 

They both know I ended a 2+ year relationship a few months ago, and that I've said I don't date coworkers. I guess saying I have "other things going on" would be a white lie to get out from under this situation, but like said above vague enough to resolve things.

 

But either way, I'm super conscious of it now and will nip it before it snowballs.

Edited January 4, 2016 by Jammer25

[Jammer25]

I don't know what I'm doing at this point...

 

Yesterday, the single coworker and I had dinner and went shopping for a get-well present for our supervisor. After that, we just talked in my car for about 3 hours since it was raining. She likes to poke me to see my reactions, and we were pretty playful - in a friendly way - throughout our talk.

 

She'll tell me, "I really like you" in a somehow cryptic way. And now I wonder if I'm starting to like her too. I like spending time with her and seeing her smile and laugh, and maybe I don't want to create that distance I mentioned and potentially lose this closeness.

 

I think she knows it too though, that she won't date me since we work together. I can't and won't cross that line either.

 

Instead of over-thinking it even more, maybe this is just a close friend I should enjoy spending time with.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, I just referred to your other (concurrent) thread, which also questions the closeness you're developing, or have developed with your co-workers.

 

I think what may be bothering you is that you're a lot of Testosterone (early 20's) surrounded by a whole load of Oestrogen.

 

If I may say so, I get the impression you're a lone buck in a bevvy of does.

This is naturally going to have an effect on you. You're young, still perhaps impressionable, and given that you're all roughly the same age, it's hardly surprising thoughts of liking, fancying, getting friendly and being close rise to the surface.

 

I will tell you what I have told everyone else, who's had questions of dating in the workplace: DON'T.

 

It's just asking for trouble with a capital cluster F.

 

You're already a fairly close-knit group. Start dating one other member, and well... gurls will be gurls - you're going to create division, jealousy and gossip.

 

And, as and when you break up (because a working environment is NO place to be cultivating a relationship, and it rarely, if ever works out for the good) you can bet your bottom dollar sides will be taken, and gurls being gurls - it will probably be hers.

 

Please try to develop a bit of distance and become a little less approachable, a bit more aloof.

 

Because Platonic relationships - which is what you're suggesting with your 'just good friends' attitude - rarely work well for the guy in the picture. Too much hormonal turmoil.

Ladies do quite well in Platonic situations, they like having guys as buddies. It's safe, and secure.

Guys THINK they can deal with platonic - but they're actually suppressing the "I'd like to get her horizontal" urge....

 

Please take note. Don't take umbrage.

It's nothing personal, and I'm sure it's a great working environment.

But do not even think of mixing 'business with pleasure'.

That way lies heartbreak and job change.

[Jammer25]

I'm in too deep now.

 

We've continued to hang out, and we just get closer and closer. We're at the point of cuddling during our talks. She's even steered some of our conversations toward mentioning how comfortable she is being vulnerable with me.

 

Tonight I got hit by a brick though, after we went to a trade show for work purposes. She mentioned how she thinks we're closer than she expected as coworkers, and that maybe we need to do some DTR'ing soon.

 

That really made me hit the brakes. I really do like her, more than I should have let myself feel. But I just cannot get past the fact that we work together, on the same team. I fear we're too close to have any kind of good outcome, even if I do my best to cut off a potential relationship.

 

I know it's my fault for letting things progress this far, but I can't deny that I have genuine feelings for her now. And now with news of my department at work possibly going through a reorg, who knows about the stability of my job. Just a lot of things going on....

[TaraMaiden2]

You're in too deep because actually, this is where you want to be. If you'd wanted to rein back, you would have taken the advice, and done it.

 

As it stands, you like what's happening and actually want it to progress.

 

The fly in the ointment is your work status.

 

If everything was secure at that end, I really don't think you'd care what anyone has hitherto advised, you'd do what you want to anyway.

 

Ah, hormones....

[Montgomery Burns]

I'm in too deep now.

 

We've continued to hang out, and we just get closer and closer. We're at the point of cuddling during our talks. She's even steered some of our conversations toward mentioning how comfortable she is being vulnerable with me.

 

Tonight I got hit by a brick though, after we went to a trade show for work purposes. She mentioned how she thinks we're closer than she expected as coworkers, and that maybe we need to do some DTR'ing soon.

 

That really made me hit the brakes. I really do like her, more than I should have let myself feel. But I just cannot get past the fact that we work together, on the same team. I fear we're too close to have any kind of good outcome, even if I do my best to cut off a potential relationship.

 

I know it's my fault for letting things progress this far, but I can't deny that I have genuine feelings for her now. And now with news of my department at work possibly going through a reorg, who knows about the stability of my job. Just a lot of things going on....

 

Jams! I think we are in similar positions . If you have feelings for her now you have to be honest with her. Tell her everything. Would have been easier for me, IJS.

[preraph]

She will totally date you or she wouldn't be acting this way. You be sure you're attracted before you go down that road, though. And if you aren't, then nip it by refusing all excuses to go with her like that one about the gift and making no excuses and just saying "No, thanks."

Edited January 18, 2016 by preraph

[Jammer25]

You're in too deep because actually, this is where you want to be. If you'd wanted to rein back, you would have taken the advice, and done it.

 

As it stands, you like what's happening and actually want it to progress.

 

The fly in the ointment is your work status.

 

If everything was secure at that end, I really don't think you'd care what anyone has hitherto advised, you'd do what you want to anyway.

 

Ah, hormones....

 

Subconsciously, I think so. I wasn't active in asking her to dinner or anything, it was more that we went out with the work group and stayed later together at a bar or something.

 

But yes, it took me a while to admit to myself that I like her as more than a friend. Working so closely together though, I can't answer how that would affect me as I have never dated a coworker before.

 

Jams! I think we are in similar positions . If you have feelings for her now you have to be honest with her. Tell her everything. Would have been easier for me, IJS.

 

Our schedules are both pretty full for the next 2-3 weeks, so we'll have some time off from each other. Who knows how things will turn out when we do have a chance to talk next.

 

I want to make sure I like her, and not just the closeness/affection itself.

 

She will totally date you or she wouldn't be acting this way. You be sure you're attracted before you go down that road, though. And if you aren't, then nip it by refusing all excuses to go with her like that one about the gift and making no excuses and just saying "No, thanks."

 

For sure. Working together is the can of worms that could ruin more than just a potential relationship with her, though. As I mentioned above, hopefully the busy time will let me reconcile what I'm feeling with where I see us potentially going and the possible effects.

[preraph]

I can pretty much guarantee that one or the other of you will wish you didn't work there if you break up. So it takes self-discipline not to let it ruin either of your careers.

[Just a Guy]

You're riding a time bomb! Just be careful. Can you not ask for a transfer to another team?

[Jammer25]

You're riding a time bomb! Just be careful. Can you not ask for a transfer to another team?

 

Funny you mention this.

 

Recently, there has been a lot of job insecurity and unrest in our department at large. (There is a freeze on head count and promotions right now.) And with our specific team of 6 being largely support-based, we could be let go, get re-orged or be dissolved any day.

 

So who knows how long we will be working together. We sort of talked about it, that we could even wait things out and see what happens in the workplace. Everyone on our team basically has their heads on a swivel, all things considered.

[Standard-Fare]

Jammer25, it was interesting reading through your progression on this. At first it almost sounded like you were a little annoyed by this coworker who had an unrequited crush. Then it sounded like you were sort of playing mind games by spending more time with her and encouraging her crush to grow.

 

And now, it seems like you might be interested in her, too? I definitely wasn't picking up on that from the beginning.

 

You've played an active role in all of this. You haven't shot down her crush at all. You've spent time with her outside of work in semi-romantic contexts (i.e. three hours in the same car while it's raining outside? Tell me that's not romantic.) All I'm saying is, don't act like this is a ball of chaos that fell upon you without your participation.

 

At this point, things are already complicated even if the two of you DON'T end up together. There's already tensions and expectations and flirtations here. If you started dating someone else, things would explode.

 

Because the drama is already here, you should plan for a future where you two are NOT coworkers. Regardless of whether you end up dating, that's going to be the best path forward for you two.