Have bf, but "always loved" old friend back in my life...

[bananatree123]

I will start this off by saying that I will never EVER cheat on my boyfriend regardless of any other outside influences. But it has come to my attention(aka research) that I may be emotionally cheating.

 

Here's the backstory, I'll TRY to keep it short...

 

I've been friends with this guy, let's call him Greg, for almost 8 years now. We met while working together. I was in a terrible relationship with someone else at the time, and I finally broke up and moved out. I then started spending a lot of time with Greg, since he was living with one of our other coworker/best friends (who had just recently came out to friends and family as being gay).

 

At first I was happy to be out of my previous relationship and just have freedom, and wasn't looking for anything serious, knowing it would only be an irresponsible rebound. Greg and I went out to eat/drink/dance a few times, fell asleep on the couch at their apartment talking a few times, and all-in-all I really enjoyed my time with him. We weren't "dating" or anything, and we never even so much as held hands, but there was definitely a tension there that was never broken.

...and then he got a girlfriend. I was choked. I didn't realize how strong my feelings were for him until that happened. I let my feelings for him go(as much as I could), and four months later met my current boyfriend "Jay". My story with Jay sounds too good to be true...and it is.

 

We met through a mutual friend, and I was still apprehensive about dating anyone at that point in time. But, he was extremely persistent, and I guess since my last relationship ended because I felt neglected this one filled a sort of need for me. Things moved REALLY fast, and he was talking about marriage and kids by month 2 (huge RED FLAG I obviously let slide...) He also took me to Central America for 2 weeks as a birthday present(after dating for 3 months). Over the next few years we moved in together, I worked 5 hours out of town(best our relationship had ever been!), came back and moved back in with Jay. We actually broke up and got back together about 4 times(I broke up with HIM, and always for the same reasons).

 

Fast forward to now... I am currently in school with Greg. I see him almost every day. Being this close to him has been bringing back all my feelings I've had for him but had shoved away into a tiny locked box in my heart.

Jay and I are in couples counselling( a condition of us getting back together this most recent breakup)...but it is just more frustrating(and expensive!) than helpful.

 

A few weeks ago, Greg drove Jay and I to a party at his old roommate's house an hour out of town. Jay and I were on the rocks, as I was questioning my relationship with him due to my feelings for Greg(unbeknownst to Jay) and had brought up the possibility of breaking up for good. We agreed to go out and just try to have a good time at the party and reconvene the next day to talk about it in more detail.

 

Later that night, Jay drunkenly asked me if he could kiss me, and I said sure. Then he asked me if I loved him anymore and I told him I didn't know if I did. He freaked out, said "Well I guess it's over then," left the party, and caught a cab home. Greg was worried since I was upset and crying, and came to talk to me. I then did the most idiotic, self-gratifying thing possible: I admitted my feelings for him. The thing is, he told me they were mutual and that he's always only ever wanted ME.

 

I talked to Jay a few days after, and we mutually decided to break up and I was relieved. But then he changed his mind and decided that he was going to do anything to make things work with me. It was the exact same story I'd heard over and over again in the past. Even so, my heart was breaking thinking about us splitting so we agreed to work it out and he agreed he'd go see a psychologist for his addiction and anger issues(and has been emotionally abusive for years...which I guess I failed to mention before...oops.)

 

He has yet to do ANYTHING about it, it's a month later, and I'm getting extremely frustrated. I don't want to give ultimatums because I don't think they are fair, but I'm almost to that point with him.

 

Hence my dilemma. I love Jay, but when he talks about buying a house, or getting married, I freak out. Not because I don't want any f those things, it's just that I am almost 100% positive Jay is not the one I want them with due to his addiction and anger issues.

 

Now that Greg and I both know where each other stand, it's heart-wrenchingly hard to see him at school every day. We have agreed to stay friends and not let the potentially friendship-ending situation affect us. Greg is the guy I CAN see myself marrying...and always have since we met.

The thing is that if Jay and I split, I will basically refuse to be with anyone for a LONG TIME. And Greg knows this, since we discussed it when he drove me home from the party. I don't want to leap from one relationship into another because I know it's reckless and will only end up with me feeling regretful.

 

My head says I should just break up with Jay and keep my distance from Greg(who is also moving another province away after this school year!). But my friends and family are all convinced that Jay is an angel, and that the two of us were meant to be(he's ridiculously sweet with me when they're around). I am freaking out because we live together, and each have our own cats who have been together for 3+ yrs with us.

 

My heart is telling me to leave Jay, and to be with Greg. But I know that wouldn't be fair to Greg OR me OR Jay.

 

If someone objective could possibly help me out here, I would appreciate it so much!