sher78 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 (edited) Hi everyone Can someone please help me clear my thoughts? I'm totally bummed out by what happened this past weekend. Me and my fiance live together in Zurich. We are both in our late 30's. I knew he had a good friend who is a Brazilian living in London. They met about 10 yrs ago in a youth hostel while my fiance was traveling in South America and they've kept in touch as friends since then. I heard that she visited my fiance in the past and vice versa (this was before he met me) and I had asked him if there was ever something between them and he always told me that they are just friends. I had met her quickly in the past. Not an especially gorgeous girl, but she is funny and is someone who makes friends quickly because of her perky personality. A month ago he received a text message from her asking if she can come and visit him in Zurich. She said she is single at the moment and she knew that he is in a relationship with me and that we live together. I had met her once and I had heard from my fiance that they were just friends, so I said OK to her staying at our place for the weekend. We had a great time over the weekend, me and my fiance cooked for her and some other friends that we invited and also did some stuff together. Saturday evening, my fiance went to bed early and I had a chat with her over a cup of tea in the kitchen table. She tells me that she stays in touch with all her past relationships/flings and time to time visits them in different cities shen she is really in need of sex. She said that she recently visited a single male friend in Amsterdam who has a bick pe**s, and had sex all night. She even showed me his picture. Also she said she is planning to visit a married male friend in Israel to see his wife and his kids(?) I did not ask details anymore, and went to bed, with a strange feeling. Next day she left our home and I sat down and asked my fiance, "Are you really sure you never had something with her?" and he answers, "Actually we did. We had something shortly. We had sex when she visited me." As soon as I heard that my heart suddenly felt heavy like a million stones. I can't believe that he did not tell me about that until now and invited her to stay with us. Although it is a long time ago when they had sex, that means they do have a secret between the two of them which I will not know - which is none of my business, but if he brings it into our home, it becomes my business. Finding this out, I feel sick, feel like my nest got invaded by some dirty animal that is in heat. My fiance said he is sorry about not telling me about that before and says it is a small mistake - and this makes me even more angry. I feel disrespected, invaded, cheated on, and also feel taken advantage for treating her nicely and also cooking for her through the weekend. I don't know what to do. My fiance feels like a stranger all of a sudden and I have this feeling that I cannot trust him and that we have big difference in values. The fact that he doesn't even take this seriously is upsetting me. His reaction is like "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" and is pissed off that I am upset about this and making me look like a weird person to get angry because of this. Am I wrong to be upset? I would like to hear a 3rd person's opinion. Thanks. Edited November 30, 2015 by sher78 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 The problem here is not the other girl, it's him lying to you. He can dismiss it, and pretend it's not a problem, but it is. Lies can ruin lives. Rethink your engagement. Take care. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 The lying - or not revealing - is the issue. And his ex-FWB sounds like she's into sex tourism with past lovers, which makes her intentions - and his - suspect. We've both stayed friends with ex-lovers and ex-FWB, and have even had them visit us years later. But we both know about the past connection and relationship, and these people can and do respect boundaries. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I think it would be in your best interest to not blow it out of proportion. I agree that it's inappropriate for him to have kept the sex part secret while inviting her to stay. In fact, I don't think any fraternizing with ex's is appropriate when in a committed relationship, however, not everyone feels the same. It's not cheating and if you're trying to escalate it to that level as justification for being pissed then you're not being reasonable and I can see why he wouldn't take it seriously. What he did was withhold relevant information about the situation, and in doing so took away your option to veto the stay over of an ex-fling of his. Address it for exactly what it is. The fact that she had sex with him in the past doesn't make her a despicable person, and that aspect is being overblown too. If you stick to the actuality and address it as a firm boundary you will get more traction, imho, and your credibility won't be called into question. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 I don't think you have anything to worry about. I think that your man is totally into you and isn't interested in Brazilian girl. I mean, just reading about her travel exploits was a real off for me when I read it. She doesn't have anything REAL. She doesn't have anything solid in her life. Sure, it sounds like she has a lot of men in her life, but to be honest, it sounds like a very lonely existence. Makes me wonder what happened in her life to make her NOT want to commit to one person. To have someone that you can call your own. Makes me wonder why she's just satisfied with just getting her physical needs met but ignoring her mental and emotional needs met. Sure, you may feel upset about her right now, but if you think about it the way I mention it, you might just end up feeling sorry for her. Because, YOU have something real.....something solid Link to post Share on other sites
Author sher78 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 (edited) Thanks everyone for your comments. I've been kind of half absent throughout the day. I find it difficult to focus on work. I don't blame the Brazilian girl - it's her life and her body, it's none of my business what she does in her private life - but my uneasy and sick feeling is due to my fiance who let her into our home while hiding their real relationship from me. I don't know what the girl's intention was and neither his. He rarely cooks for me, and he put in so much effort in preparing the food the night before she arrived. Roasted short ribs for 4 hours in the oven until 3am! (never did something like that for me!) The day is over and he hasn't written a message to me except for "I'll be home late due to many meetings." I think we should take some time apart from each other. He has a flirting/sexual history with quite some women around us i.e. his brother's wife, his cousin's friend, etc. He passed on a sexually transmitted virus when we first got back together after a split in the past. I thought we were on a good path to making things work, but with this incident I feel like we are back to zero. Edited November 30, 2015 by sher78 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 It's a question of honesty. You asked the question, was there anything going on and he said no. Lie. This now puts you in a position where because of this lie, like another poster has said takes to decision to say no I don't want this woman whom you previously slept with in my house. As is your right, but that was taken out your hands. He wasn't unfaithful per say. But be it minimizing, ommision, if this is the way he handles things then you're in trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Thanks everyone for your comments. I've been kind of half absent throughout the day. I find it difficult to focus on work. I don't blame the Brazilian girl - it's her life and her body, it's none of my business what she does in her private life - but my uneasy and sick feeling is due to my fiance who let her into our home while hiding their real relationship from me. I don't know what the girl's intention was and neither his. He rarely cooks for me, and he put in so much effort in preparing the food the night before she arrived. Roasted short ribs for 4 hours in the oven until 3am! (never did something like that for me!) The day is over and he hasn't written a message to me except for "I'll be home late due to many meetings." I think we should take some time apart from each other. He has a flirting/sexual history with quite some women around us i.e. his brother's wife, his cousin's friend, etc. He passed on a sexually transmitted virus when we first got back together after a split in the past. I thought we were on a good path to making things work, but with this incident I feel like we are back to zero. (sigh) Why don't you help yourself to overcome this by first contemplating what the outlook would be IF some of the roles were reversed here, and it was your BF who was traveling abroad, and asking if he could stay at the home of this (woman you only later learned is someone he previously had sex with). THEN you'd have a problem. Again, we do not knooooooooooooooooooow whether your boyfriend had designs on banging this woman while she visited (but no signs point toward 'yes', in your story). While men have approximately zero interest in actively maintaining friendships with women they wouldn't rather be banging, same is NOT true of women. It is entirely possible that the woman saved lots of money on lodging, by staying with you in (an expensive?) city, and that may have been her only serious motive. And consider that conversation you shared after your boyfriend went to bed... nobody is THAT good at deceiving you that they put all of that on the table right in front of you while at the same time having sexual designs on your boyfriend. Now IF this had been your boyfriend going to visit, on a solo trip, with out you along... and requesting to stay at the home of his single past fling... THEN it would be a serious problem. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 IMO this girl is a leech. She is just using her past flings to get free room and board while she travels. Your BF needs to learn about boundaries, because something like this is not appropriate by any stretch. He disrespected you, and manipulated/lied to welcome this person into your home. I don't blame you for how you feel, and you have to make it very clear to your BF how deceitful he was. If you don't speak up you will never earn any respect from him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 He has a flirting/sexual history with quite some women around us i.e. his brother's wife, his cousin's friend, etc. The fact that he had "a flirting/sexual history with quite some women around us i.e. his brother's wife" is a big red flag, and shows that he has issues with boundaries and being someone that is trustworthy. Why would you want to be with someone that could betray his own flesh and blood like that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 The fact that he had "a flirting/sexual history with quite some women around us i.e. his brother's wife" is a big red flag, and shows that he has issues with boundaries and being someone that is trustworthy. Why would you want to be with someone that could betray his own flesh and blood like that? Took the words right out of my mouth. This guy is a ball of WTF shrouded in even more WTF 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Dating is the job interview for marriage. He failed. Time to dump him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sher78 Posted November 30, 2015 Author Share Posted November 30, 2015 IMO this girl is a leech. She is just using her past flings to get free room and board while she travels. Your BF needs to learn about boundaries, because something like this is not appropriate by any stretch. He disrespected you, and manipulated/lied to welcome this person into your home. I don't blame you for how you feel, and you have to make it very clear to your BF how deceitful he was. If you don't speak up you will never earn any respect from him. This is totally true, you put the right word. He doesn't know boundaries, and he just shrugs it off saying he made a mistake. To me, this kind of happening is a big red flag. If something like this happened to a female friend of mine, I would tell my friend to dump this guy immediately. BTW he came home late at 10:30pm even though he knew that we had to talk about this. (He is usually at home around 8pm) Says he had too much work. (The idiot has his priorities everywhere else but at home.) And i believe this is a good reason to quit this relationship. I told him to cancel all the vacation flights we booked and to move out. This relationship is over. Thanks for all your comments. I hope I don't come across a human garbage like this next time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 Hi everyone Can someone please help me clear my thoughts? I'm totally bummed out by what happened this past weekend. Me and my fiance live together in Zurich. We are both in our late 30's. I knew he had a good friend who is a Brazilian living in London. They met about 10 yrs ago in a youth hostel while my fiance was traveling in South America and they've kept in touch as friends since then. I heard that she visited my fiance in the past and vice versa (this was before he met me) and I had asked him if there was ever something between them and he always told me that they are just friends. I had met her quickly in the past. Not an especially gorgeous girl, but she is funny and is someone who makes friends quickly because of her perky personality. A month ago he received a text message from her asking if she can come and visit him in Zurich. She said she is single at the moment and she knew that he is in a relationship with me and that we live together. I had met her once and I had heard from my fiance that they were just friends, so I said OK to her staying at our place for the weekend. We had a great time over the weekend, me and my fiance cooked for her and some other friends that we invited and also did some stuff together. Saturday evening, my fiance went to bed early and I had a chat with her over a cup of tea in the kitchen table. She tells me that she stays in touch with all her past relationships/flings and time to time visits them in different cities shen she is really in need of sex. She said that she recently visited a single male friend in Amsterdam who has a bick pe**s, and had sex all night. She even showed me his picture. Also she said she is planning to visit a married male friend in Israel to see his wife and his kids(?) I did not ask details anymore, and went to bed, with a strange feeling. Next day she left our home and I sat down and asked my fiance, "Are you really sure you never had something with her?" and he answers, "Actually we did. We had something shortly. We had sex when she visited me." As soon as I heard that my heart suddenly felt heavy like a million stones. I can't believe that he did not tell me about that until now and invited her to stay with us. Although it is a long time ago when they had sex, that means they do have a secret between the two of them which I will not know - which is none of my business, but if he brings it into our home, it becomes my business. Finding this out, I feel sick, feel like my nest got invaded by some dirty animal that is in heat. My fiance said he is sorry about not telling me about that before and says it is a small mistake - and this makes me even more angry. I feel disrespected, invaded, cheated on, and also feel taken advantage for treating her nicely and also cooking for her through the weekend. I don't know what to do. My fiance feels like a stranger all of a sudden and I have this feeling that I cannot trust him and that we have big difference in values. The fact that he doesn't even take this seriously is upsetting me. His reaction is like "Why are you making such a big deal out of this?" and is pissed off that I am upset about this and making me look like a weird person to get angry because of this. Am I wrong to be upset? I would like to hear a 3rd person's opinion. Thanks. sorry that happened to you....Just remember that Lies of ommission are still lies. He is a liar. Get rid of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 You already know you should leave him. It's just hard to do. If it was me I would feel exactly like you. And considering his past which you have detailed and stated that was - overcome and resolved. Ew... Nothing like that ever gets resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 This is totally true, you put the right word. He doesn't know boundaries, and he just shrugs it off saying he made a mistake. Thats all you ned to know....If he calls that amistake how many more mistakes has he made since you have been together that you don't know about. Dump him and please get tested for STD's...its a must. Someone who is so cavalier about this is someone who is more than happy to put you at risk for an STD I find it pretty reprehensible considering all the stops he pulled out with the meals and what not. Maybe he was thinking in the back of his mind that he could have a threesome with you both. I mean there is nothing wrong with it if you are down with it but I doubt you would be from the tone of your posts. So yeah,..get rid of him like Today. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 I'm sorry but based on everything you've said, your fiance isn't quite marriage material. He doesn't even really sound like relationship material if his boundaries are that piss poor. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 If you don't have honesty, you have nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Why in the world would you stay with a guy who keeps booty calls around and spreads STDs? Are you financially dependent on him? If not, call off the engagement ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Why in the world would you stay with a guy who keeps booty calls around and spreads STDs? Are you financially dependent on him? If not, call off the engagement ASAP. Please read post#6. She has kicked him to the curb. I repeat, she has kicked him promptly to the curb *thumbs up* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Acting Innocent and ?Playing Dumb? as Manipulation Tactics Lying: The Ultimate Manipulation Tactic Minimization: Trivializing Behavior as a Manipulation Tactic Gaslighting Revisited: A Closer Look at This Manipulation Tactic Giving Assent as a Manipulation Tactic Leveling as a Manipulation Tactic Spotting Manipulation Before It?s Too Late Read the third link from above carefully. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Please read post#6. She has kicked him to the curb. I repeat, she has kicked him promptly to the curb *thumbs up* Thank goodness! Now OP has a chance to meet a real guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 I told him to cancel all the vacation flights we booked and to move out. This relationship is over. Thanks for all your comments. I hope I don't come across a human garbage like this next time. You did the right thing. He's shown he isn't trustworthy. He lied. He bent over backwards for her. He minimised his lies. He spread STDs He was inappropriate with his SIL Lucky escape for you.? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Why would you think your feelings are wrong when you find out that someone close to you lied to you? No matter how nonchalant or clueless your fiancé is acting, he knows what he did, he knows why you're upset, and he's hoping you'll excuse it. The truth is, you're looking at a very big red flag here, and it's waving wildly in front of you. It has been my experience that when I ignore red flags, I pay dearly for that down the road. I think you should think very hard about marrying him, and I think you need to let him know that you don't know if this is something you can overlook. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 I didn't see your earlier post about telling him it's over. I know it's hard but you did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
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