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Feelings for a close female friend and not sure what to do at this point


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I am new to these community, just happened be be reading through some of the forums and thought why not post about my situation for some advice! And trust me, I am in desperate need of advice!

 

I have had a female friend for the past 8 years. Over the past two years we have had this best friend forever thing going on and have been ultra close friends. We've had fun going out together, we've gone to each other for advice on very personal matter, we've been there for each other during some bad times, and we've supported each other all the time. When something happens in life she is the first to tell me or I am the first to tell her. We are both in our late 20s and in similar stages in our lives and that helps us relate to each other alot.

 

Lately though, I have developed feelings for her that go beyond this friendship. Its been a tough for me to be there as her best friend when I have these feelings going on. I don't know what to do anymore. First, I don't think right now its mutual. She wants me as her best friend and I don't think it goes past that right now. Even if I were to try and figure out if she liked me more than this, it would be pointless as the lines between best friend and more are blurred since we've been close for so long. Second, I actually really like having her as a close best friend. She is by far the closest of my female friends and it has been amazing have her in my life, esp the past two years. I never realized how amazing it can be to have a really close friend of the opposite sex in your life that you care for but aren't intimate with. I would hate for that to be lost! I have been single the past year, which I think is playing into this strongly.

 

In our past there were times when feelings were there. When we first became friends 8 years ago, she was interested in me as more than friends. I was in a relationship at that time though. I don't know for how long she had these feelings but I know from mutual friends she was very interested in me. Now the tables seemed turned, I am interested in her but she is dating someone. From everything she tells me, she is not happy in this relationship and long term I can't see it lasting BUT the fact remains she is with someone and they share intimacy.

 

This have been a tough thing to deal with recently because I hang out or talk to her alot. One close friend I told about this situation told me to distance myself from her. I might be able to clear my head and move on to get back into dating. He even said she may realize how much she misses not having the constant contact with me too and this might benefit me. I have tried to do this but it never works. I eventually text her back or make plans with her. I either feel bad/sad because its not her fault I developed these feelings or I just feel the need to communicate with her.

 

I am just looking for advice at this point. What can I do? Is it possible this could eventually turn into something or should I work hard to get my mind back into best friendship mode and force myself to move on? This isn't easy at all and its so much different than any other love situation I have ever been in.

 

Any input is appreciated! Having someone on the outside of the situation give me there input would be nice. Also if someone who has dealt with this kind of thing tell me what they did and how it played out that would be great as well!

Edited by CVnine
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If it weren't for the fact that you know she early on had a crush on you, I'd tell you not to go there. But given that you've both kind of flip-flopped on the subject, I think since you're so close, you should just talk. However, I do wonder if her having a boyfriend isn't maybe the only reason you're now interested. So do some soul searching on that. If she dumps her boyfriend, will you still be so keen on becoming her steady man or will the crisis have passed?

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You've been close friends for so many years. You should just express how you feel about her and see how it goes. Better to be honest than being in this confused state. Since you both have been close friends for a while, she might not go to the extremes of stop talking to you or anything as such. If she doesn't feel the same way about you, just be willing to move on.

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@preraph

 

I honestly feel confident this has nothing to do with the fact she has a boyfriend or that fact she isn't happy in the relationship. I think this might be more related to I've been single for a bit and she is my go to person so I am around her alot.

 

From your perspective can a crush or feelings on her end from long ago still resonate currently? I wonder, do those feelings ever completely vanish?

 

Could my feelings be false and just developed because I am single right now?

 

@nightingal

 

This is what concerns me, I fear if I tell her how I have felt lately, she won't react that well since I am the person she confides alot in. She won't feel safe with me anymore because I might be viewed as "another guy that is trying to get with her". It would really hurt if things backfired and I lost my best friend over it. Yes we have been friends for so long but can that be broken over this? Again I guess she could have mutual feelings for me but I feel its impossible to find out without revealing my feelings I feel.

 

Its like I am damned if I do or damned if I don't. Its not a good feeling

 

I read this thing about friendzones last week and really they seem to be caused by one person not expressing their feelings very early on in the friendship. Then eventually one person gets the emotional support they want out of the friendship without the intimate attachment. Pretty much when that happens, the person who wants more in the friendship is facing a huge uphill battle because its hard to reset things back to a level playing field. Am I now locked in a friendzone?

Edited by CVnine
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You asked if a crush can still exist. I guess it depends on the person, but for me and many women I know, if they ever had a crush, it's still in there somewhere. And making out might just fan that ember and bring it back to life. Either way, talk. If the talk goes at all well, ask her out on a specific date and tell her it's a real date. Give her a day or so to mull that over and if she bails, that will suck. But if she keeps the date without further ado, kiss her at the end of it.

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You asked if a crush can still exist. I guess it depends on the person, but for me and many women I know, if they ever had a crush, it's still in there somewhere. And making out might just fan that ember and bring it back to life. Either way, talk. If the talk goes at all well, ask her out on a specific date and tell her it's a real date. Give her a day or so to mull that over and if she bails, that will suck. But if she keeps the date without further ado, kiss her at the end of it.

 

I know from my experience, old crushes never really die. My high school crush can still trigger feelings when I run into her and its been almost 10 years since I graduated high school. Thanks, I am leaning towards there is still some sparks from her crush either lingering in the background or currently on her mind.

 

What concerns me is this relationship she is in that she is not completely happy with. I just always stay away from woman in a relationship, even if they are into me until there isn't a relationship. She randomly was texting me last night problems she is have with her boyfriend and how she is sick of it. This is a common too I get texts like this or it comes up if we are out.

 

Also I still can't get over the idea of maybe losing our best friendship over this. I don't know how I can get past this. Like last week, I got hit with some bad news that really upset me. I turned to her for advice and comfort, she is my first go to. She put me at ease and gave me sound advice.

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I know from my experience, old crushes never really die. My high school crush can still trigger feelings when I run into her and its been almost 10 years since I graduated high school. Thanks, I am leaning towards there is still some sparks from her crush either lingering in the background or currently on her mind.

 

What concerns me is this relationship she is in that she is not completely happy with. I just always stay away from woman in a relationship, even if they are into me until there isn't a relationship. She randomly was texting me last night problems she is have with her boyfriend and how she is sick of it. This is a common too I get texts like this or it comes up if we are out.

 

Also I still can't get over the idea of maybe losing our best friendship over this. I don't know how I can get past this. Like last week, I got hit with some bad news that really upset me. I turned to her for advice and comfort, she is my first go to. She put me at ease and gave me sound advice.

 

Honestly you can always find a sympathetic ear. Your best friend shouldn't be someone you have romantic interest in. Actually, you are not really being a good friend if you are in a position of advising her about a guy while you want her for yourself.

 

 

You friend-zoned yourself, which is often what happens. Difficult to get out of. I see you are single, that means that she cannot even get jealous of your gf, you just get jealous of her bf. Don't be her emotional boyfriend, that makes you a cheater and after you undermine her current boyfriend and then try to get with her, how will that look? Back up, talk to her less and start dating. Remove the friendship for a bit and sexy yourself up, then when she comes calling be a little bit flirtatious. That might work.

 

 

Tough. Once a man friend zones himself, he kind of loses his gender and becomes this other. You might need to do something where you are touching her, building that touchy feely ish that breaks down walls, watching tv under the same blanket, a drunken massage, whatever. Sounds juvenile I know, but love often is.

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Honestly you can always find a sympathetic ear. Your best friend shouldn't be someone you have romantic interest in. Actually, you are not really being a good friend if you are in a position of advising her about a guy while you want her for yourself.

 

 

You friend-zoned yourself, which is often what happens. Difficult to get out of. I see you are single, that means that she cannot even get jealous of your gf, you just get jealous of her bf. Don't be her emotional boyfriend, that makes you a cheater and after you undermine her current boyfriend and then try to get with her, how will that look? Back up, talk to her less and start dating. Remove the friendship for a bit and sexy yourself up, then when she comes calling be a little bit flirtatious. That might work.

 

 

Tough. Once a man friend zones himself, he kind of loses his gender and becomes this other. You might need to do something where you are touching her, building that touchy feely ish that breaks down walls, watching tv under the same blanket, a drunken massage, whatever. Sounds juvenile I know, but love often is.

 

I am aware I friendzone'd myself but as I mentioned, the situation was reversed when we first became friends. We became super close the last 3 years and openly call each other BFFs and acknowledge we are each other's best friend. And I was completely fine with this and actually really enjoyed the friendship at a platonic level. Recently, particularly the last 4 months, I have developed feelings for her. At times I really wish I had not fallen in love with her and I am now faced with a difficult decision and put in a very tough situation.

 

I agree with you regarding when she complains about her relationship or tells me things are good, etc. I try to avoid these conversations. I feel I can't be objective anymore and its obviously an issue since she is my best friend as well as its not fair to her.

 

There are times I feel like I need to do what you suggest, distance myself and get back into serious dating. There are other times I feel I need to let her know how I feel. There are times I feel I need to poke and gauge her interest in me past friends.

 

I will say this is just difficult, and part of me doesn't know what to do, especially because I just have never had this happen before. In the past, basically if I am interested in a girl, I go on a few dates with her. If we connect and I feel there is something there, I let it be known very early I am into her and go from there.

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I am aware I friendzone'd myself but as I mentioned, the situation was reversed when we first became friends. We became super close the last 3 years and openly call each other BFFs and acknowledge we are each other's best friend. And I was completely fine with this and actually really enjoyed the friendship at a platonic level. Recently, particularly the last 4 months, I have developed feelings for her. At times I really wish I had not fallen in love with her and I am now faced with a difficult decision and put in a very tough situation.

 

I agree with you regarding when she complains about her relationship or tells me things are good, etc. I try to avoid these conversations. I feel I can't be objective anymore and its obviously an issue since she is my best friend as well as its not fair to her.

 

There are times I feel like I need to do what you suggest, distance myself and get back into serious dating. There are other times I feel I need to let her know how I feel. There are times I feel I need to poke and gauge her interest in me past friends.

 

I will say this is just difficult, and part of me doesn't know what to do, especially because I just have never had this happen before. In the past, basically if I am interested in a girl, I go on a few dates with her. If we connect and I feel there is something there, I let it be known very early I am into her and go from there.

 

If distancing yourself is already a consideration then I would just say TELL HER how you feel, clearly and concisely and then let her sort out how SHE feels in response and if she doesn't feel the same and the friendship is ruined, then so be it...that is life...but you get ONE life, and its short and you should follow your heart and take risks.

If in the short term you lose your best friend bevause you were honest...then if the friendship is TRUE...later down the road after much time had passed and theres space and healing....you can be friends once again because TRUE friendship never ends.

People say to marry your best friend....TELL HER. NOW.

And if it doesn't go well...follow plan A...distance yourself and start dating.

This limbo your living in hurts worse than taking time away if necessary to live your own life, heal, date, and maybe find a new found platonic relationship with her later down the road if she doesn't want to take a shot with you.

 

Id just say, Im single, you are in an unhappy situation and I have developed strong feelings and would like to give a relationship with us an honest shot because were already best friends and thats who I would want to date is someone I could love and be a best friend to.

Take a few days to see if you can give us an honest shot by ending your unhappy relationship.

If you cant, I will always be a friend and might take some time and space but we would never have to be enemies or awkward, I just found the need to tell you where I stood and the truth in hopes we could figure out if you feel the same.

Edited by privategal
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I agree with you regarding when she complains about her relationship or tells me things are good, etc. I try to avoid these conversations. I feel I can't be objective anymore and its obviously an issue since she is my best friend as well as its not fair to her.

 

There are times I feel like I need to do what you suggest, distance myself and get back into serious dating. There are other times I feel I need to let her know how I feel. There are times I feel I need to poke and gauge her interest in me past friends.

 

If she is truly your best friend she will already know that you have feelings for her, that sort of thing is very difficult to hide from someone who knows you well. Don't make excuses why you can't take it slowly and woo her by moving away AND building attraction the few times you are together... i think if you announce you like her it puts a ton of pressure on her to be your gf RIGHT NOW and that's too much.

 

If she is hanging out with you, getting emotional support and letting you gas up her ego, then sleeping with someone else (or not with you, both are bad) then you are doing someone else's legwork. You need to distance yourself from her, and as painful as it will be for you, I am certain she will miss you. If not, wait till you start dating someone else and forget about her for awhile, no point at all in letting her play you. Think about it: if you all of a sudden met another great girl who wanted to date you, wouldn't girl B totally be displeased with your obvious crush on your so-called "best friend"?

 

Don't violate the first rule of holes.

Edited by fiskadoro
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I agree with you regarding when she complains about her relationship or tells me things are good, etc. I try to avoid these conversations. I feel I can't be objective anymore and its obviously an issue since she is my best friend as well as its not fair to her.

 

There are times I feel like I need to do what you suggest, distance myself and get back into serious dating. There are other times I feel I need to let her know how I feel. There are times I feel I need to poke and gauge her interest in me past friends.

 

If she is truly your best friend she will already know that you have feelings for her, that sort of thing is very difficult to hide from someone who knows you well. Don't make excuses why you can't take it slowly and woo her by moving away AND building attraction the few times you are together... i think if you announce you like her it puts a ton of pressure on her to be your gf RIGHT NOW and that's too much.

 

If she is hanging out with you, getting emotional support and letting you gas up her ego, then sleeping with someone else (or not with you, both are bad) then you are doing someone else's legwork. You need to distance yourself from her, and as painful as it will be for you, I am certain she will miss you. If not, wait till you start dating someone else and forget about her for awhile, no point at all in letting her play you. Think about it: if you all of a sudden met another great girl who wanted to date you, wouldn't girl B totally be displeased with your obvious crush on your so-called "best friend"?

 

Don't violate the first rule of holes.

 

Thanks for you comments, I appreciate them.

 

You are right in that I serve as an emotional boyfriend at the moment. Its clear that she is getting what she needs out of our friendship, especially as of recent. There are time of course where I get this support in return when I really need it, but if I were too look at it, I'd agree the scales are tipped in her favor. You bring up good points, esp with the girl B scenario at the end.

 

I guess I just don't know what I personally want, but I need to really figure this out as its just making me miserable as of late.

 

Since I am leaning towards wanting to take things farther but I don't feel comfortable being forward about the whole thing at the moment, I need to distance myself from her.

 

That is what I will do the next few weeks, distance myself and see how she responds to it and also more importantly see how I feel. If it drives me crazy I am not in constant contact with her, then its time to just tell her how I feel and deal with the consequences as I can't live like this anymore.

 

Thanks for your comments and advice.

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If distancing yourself is already a consideration then I would just say TELL HER how you feel, clearly and concisely and then let her sort out how SHE feels in response and if she doesn't feel the same and the friendship is ruined, then so be it...that is life...but you get ONE life, and its short and you should follow your heart and take risks.

If in the short term you lose your best friend bevause you were honest...then if the friendship is TRUE...later down the road after much time had passed and theres space and healing....you can be friends once again because TRUE friendship never ends.

People say to marry your best friend....TELL HER. NOW.

And if it doesn't go well...follow plan A...distance yourself and start dating.

This limbo your living in hurts worse than taking time away if necessary to live your own life, heal, date, and maybe find a new found platonic relationship with her later down the road if she doesn't want to take a shot with you.

 

Id just say, Im single, you are in an unhappy situation and I have developed strong feelings and would like to give a relationship with us an honest shot because were already best friends and thats who I would want to date is someone I could love and be a best friend to.

Take a few days to see if you can give us an honest shot by ending your unhappy relationship.

If you cant, I will always be a friend and might take some time and space but we would never have to be enemies or awkward, I just found the need to tell you where I stood and the truth in hopes we could figure out if you feel the same.

 

Thank you for your post, I appreciate it.

 

You bring up some good points and also you bring up excellent ways to break this barrier with my feelings to her as well as give me hope that if it doesn't work or is mutual our close friendship will hopefully carry on.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I just don't have it in me to be forward right now and tell her how I feel. So what I am going to do is distance myself from her. Basically not respond to her calls or texts immediately like I have in the past 2 plus years. Not hang out like we have. See how that affects things, see how she responds to this and lastly see how I personally take the whole thing. All are important for me to make a decision if/when I should do what you suggested, tell her exactly how I feel.

 

I just feel if I absolutely cannot handle distancing myself from her, its a sign, I need to just tell her now and accept the consequences. And really if our friendship is true and pure, it will be fine at the end of the day, our friendship will eventually carry back on and our level of trust will eventually get back to where it once was. I have to have confidence in that.

 

What do you think about this? I am curious on your personal feedback since you really hit it on how I feel.

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Telling her you like her may kill the friendship. If you guys escalate, or if she says no, or she says let's wait and see what happens, no matter what then she will feel the weight of your affection.

 

It feels very uncomfortable being around someone who obviously likes you and you can't reciprocate, especially at the level the other person wants. You feel guilty and may even begin to resent the other person for giving you more love than you can possibly return... especially as you are a good guy and trusted confidante.

 

Whatever you do, prepare yourself for any outcome. Good luck!!!

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howcouldInotknow

I actually think you should take some time and take a few steps back. I am currently in the same position as you. Whether you like it or not she has boyfriend. Let things end of their own accord and not because she is confused

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I actually think you should take some time and take a few steps back. I am currently in the same position as you. Whether you like it or not she has boyfriend. Let things end of their own accord and not because she is confused

 

Sorry you also got hit with a similar situation, you know all to well how not fun this is.

 

I am doing just that, I am scaling down talking, texting and hanging out with her. I started doing it this week and not going to lie, this has been tough for me to do. We usually hang out on Thursdays and I told her I was too busy to this week. I also have been not responding to her texts right away right away as well.

 

I know this probably is overall going to hurt our friendship at least little but honestly I can't continue continue living like this. Its hurting my social life and making me feel sad.

 

One while she isn't happy with her boyfriend, she still likes is happy enough in the relationship and there still is something there between them. I have been close friends for so long and I refuse to actually be the cause for this relationship to end, if it does. If she isn't happy and it ends, I want it to be solely her choice and not anything to do with me.

 

Two, I really think I fall into this emotional crutch/emotional boyfriend spot. Which was honestly fine for a long time since I enjoyed the friendship and didn't like her on this level. I have also leaned on her in times of need or times I was sad. I notice lately though that majority of our conversations she initiates always revolve around her problems/issues that she just wants to talk about to someone and seeking advice.

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Figured I would update this a little.

 

So I have been overall much distant from her over the past week and half. We text less, we actually haven't hung out at all in this stretch and we only had once phone call. I haven't noticed anything different but I realize I need to do this for a longer period of time. I was curious to see how she would react to me being more distant but nothing noticeable. I feel with this distance I am accomplishing two things. One, I am trying to see if she reacts into missing me. Two I am forcing myself to want to get back into the dating scene.

 

It does seem clear at least in the short term that the timing is not right. I say that because she spent time with her BF and his family for the holiday. As I have thought since the onset of me developing feeling for her, the relationship is very rocky and she tells me often she isn't happy BUT she is happy enough for it to continue. I don't want to be the force that ends it if that is even possible. If she isn't happy and wants to end it, I want her to decide that by herself and do it, I don't want to factor in to it at all.

 

I haven't done much in terms of dating but I do feel that overall I am able to handle this much better and am more accepting of the idea of moving on from this situation. Sure I have my moments at times. The door is open for her in my life as something more than friends but I am not going to sit and wait by that door. Trying to live by that right now!

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I think as you distance yourself you should tell her why.

I am in a similar situation where a guy friend is distancing himself from me. We went from talking daily to me not hearing from him for weeks. I have no idea why.. and I am pissed off! It's annoying that we can be such good friends and someone just starts to disappear and doesn't bother telling me why. I miss him everyday but I will not chase him.

 

So for you, just tell her that you need some distance, because you have developed feelings that you need to deal with and ask her to respect that.

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I think as you distance yourself you should tell her why.

I am in a similar situation where a guy friend is distancing himself from me. We went from talking daily to me not hearing from him for weeks. I have no idea why.. and I am pissed off! It's annoying that we can be such good friends and someone just starts to disappear and doesn't bother telling me why. I miss him everyday but I will not chase him.

 

So for you, just tell her that you need some distance, because you have developed feelings that you need to deal with and ask her to respect that.

 

Why not just ask him?

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I think as you distance yourself you should tell her why.

I am in a similar situation where a guy friend is distancing himself from me. We went from talking daily to me not hearing from him for weeks. I have no idea why.. and I am pissed off! It's annoying that we can be such good friends and someone just starts to disappear and doesn't bother telling me why. I miss him everyday but I will not chase him.

 

So for you, just tell her that you need some distance, because you have developed feelings that you need to deal with and ask her to respect that.

 

Thanks, I actually figured at some point she might ask is something was wrong or why I have become more distant and I really haven't figured out how I want to address it.

 

I should be honest like you suggest and I feel that might be the best approach. I feel should would respect it, especially considering we have been really close best friends for awhile. I plan on telling her what you suggested and also that I don't want to interfere with her current relationship as it is not fair to her. Seems like something she could respect. If she has mutual feelings for me past out friendship it could open the door to more. If she doesn't, then in time when I have gotten over it our friendship could continue.

 

Sometimes I fear that could backfire. I don't want her out of my life, I enjoy our friendship but its just too much for me to be best friends and suffer through these feelings for her right now, seems reasonable?

 

I am sorry about what is happening with you and your guy friend. I definitely don't want her to feel I am just moving on for no reason. Thanks for sharing your situation. Is he dating someone or seeing someone recently? Do you think he has feelings for you and its a similar situation like mine? Anything happen recently out of the ordinary between you too?

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"I don't want her out of my life, I enjoy our friendship but its just too much for me to be best friends and suffer through these feelings for her right now, seems reasonable?"

 

That is honest and reasonable, yes. And I know the feeling of not wanting to destroy something good for something that may be better.

 

I am pretty move void of a friend I made over two years ago right now. She was younger than me to the point of me not having any sort of attraction to her, but early this spring she made a few passes at me that we had never done to one another. It was a long distance txt friendship type of thing, but it evolved into us practically dating I guess. It was a hell of a fun ride for the two months in the summer when we would travel hours away to meet up. Phone conversations, constant txts, all that. It was amazing to be intimate with a great friend.

 

And then it ended. And while she will still txt me a few times a month, there is an obvious wall between us now. She feels bad, and I know I cannot go back to being just friends. I think about her daily still, and its been almost five months since she told me she no longer wanted to continue our progress. I really miss my friend, along with everything else we did together.

 

Sometimes I wish this summer would have never happened, and maybe it would have opened up something down the road for me. But I was kinda friend-zoning myself from the onset of our friendship anyhow, because I didn't care and I truly enjoyed talking to her here and there. But she must have always felt a little something for me, and when she got dumped by her BF she slowly came out of her shell. And now I have pretty much lost everything with her, and that is painful.

 

I don't envy your shoes because these decisions have big implications. Hopefully things iron themselves out whatever you decide. Good luck.

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Thanks, I actually figured at some point she might ask is something was wrong or why I have become more distant and I really haven't figured out how I want to address it.

 

I should be honest like you suggest and I feel that might be the best approach. I feel should would respect it, especially considering we have been really close best friends for awhile. I plan on telling her what you suggested and also that I don't want to interfere with her current relationship as it is not fair to her. Seems like something she could respect. If she has mutual feelings for me past out friendship it could open the door to more. If she doesn't, then in time when I have gotten over it our friendship could continue.

 

Sometimes I fear that could backfire. I don't want her out of my life, I enjoy our friendship but its just too much for me to be best friends and suffer through these feelings for her right now, seems reasonable?

 

I am sorry about what is happening with you and your guy friend. I definitely don't want her to feel I am just moving on for no reason. Thanks for sharing your situation. Is he dating someone or seeing someone recently? Do you think he has feelings for you and its a similar situation like mine? Anything happen recently out of the ordinary between you too?

 

Well, he is not dating anyone and I am not either. I think he developed feelings for me.. I kind of could tell. But I can't be sure because he didn't say anything. Before the distance we told each other that we love each other, he told me everyone has been saying we have something special between us, n then... We never spoke for weeks. I know he's okay coz he will send me a text once in like 2 weeks and take like a day to respond.. Then silence again. It's annoying! I will not let him back in when he is done with his distance because I will protect myself from the hurt. Makes me wonder if we were really friends. Trusted him with a lot. I actually feel the loss. I think it's inconsiderate what he's doing. Talk to her tell her you'll take sometime for yourself for the reasons you've stated, and that you will be back when your feelings are sorted.

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Well, he is not dating anyone and I am not either. I think he developed feelings for me.. I kind of could tell. But I can't be sure because he didn't say anything. Before the distance we told each other that we love each other, he told me everyone has been saying we have something special between us, n then... We never spoke for weeks. I know he's okay coz he will send me a text once in like 2 weeks and take like a day to respond.. Then silence again. It's annoying! I will not let him back in when he is done with his distance because I will protect myself from the hurt. Makes me wonder if we were really friends. Trusted him with a lot. I actually feel the loss. I think it's inconsiderate what he's doing. Talk to her tell her you'll take sometime for yourself for the reasons you've stated, and that you will be back when your feelings are sorted.

 

I agree with you on you wanting to protect yourself, and the silence in your situation is bizarre. Not sure if you both have social media like facebook or have mutual friends, but do you think he has interest in another woman too and is conflicted? I completely understand why you feel your trust has been broken. Have you ever considering just texting him asking why he has been silent recently?

 

At the end of the day you want to protect yourself and not waste time waiting for something that just may never be. I kind of felt like the last two months I was standing by a door I left open for her and I am not looking at that as wasting my time. I wonder if you should just confront him on the silence, if you don't feel he is truly into you, then its your call to move on but its on your terms, not his. I will say this, anytime I have been into a girl and had true feelings for her, I wanted to see her and talk to her as much as I could.

 

I haven't gone completely silent, I am still talking to her but not nearly the degree as prior to me starting this. So I don't fear she'll get hurt for me being completely silent. I just am not as responsive or making myself as available to her as I did in the past.

 

For instance yesterday morning she texted me about an issue with her car, I responded this morning with a few ideas of what it might be and where she should take it. We haven't hung out now for almost two weeks, I don't know how she is taking that as its been. I know this has helped me dial down my feelings by not seeing her in person for a bit and not having as extensive text conversations. It has allowed me to want to start dating again.

 

Do you think I might be hurting her and she isn't saying anything? Definitely don't want to do that and its a concern.

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"I don't want her out of my life, I enjoy our friendship but its just too much for me to be best friends and suffer through these feelings for her right now, seems reasonable?"

 

That is honest and reasonable, yes. And I know the feeling of not wanting to destroy something good for something that may be better.

 

I am pretty move void of a friend I made over two years ago right now. She was younger than me to the point of me not having any sort of attraction to her, but early this spring she made a few passes at me that we had never done to one another. It was a long distance txt friendship type of thing, but it evolved into us practically dating I guess. It was a hell of a fun ride for the two months in the summer when we would travel hours away to meet up. Phone conversations, constant txts, all that. It was amazing to be intimate with a great friend.

 

And then it ended. And while she will still txt me a few times a month, there is an obvious wall between us now. She feels bad, and I know I cannot go back to being just friends. I think about her daily still, and its been almost five months since she told me she no longer wanted to continue our progress. I really miss my friend, along with everything else we did together.

 

Sometimes I wish this summer would have never happened, and maybe it would have opened up something down the road for me. But I was kinda friend-zoning myself from the onset of our friendship anyhow, because I didn't care and I truly enjoyed talking to her here and there. But she must have always felt a little something for me, and when she got dumped by her BF she slowly came out of her shell. And now I have pretty much lost everything with her, and that is painful.

 

I don't envy your shoes because these decisions have big implications. Hopefully things iron themselves out whatever you decide. Good luck.

 

Thanks for sharing your story and giving some advice. I am sorry your situation turned the way it did and I can imagine how it feels to have lost a good friend. I really have learned in life best friends you can trust are hard to come by, so when you have one and something like this causes you to lose one, its a hard pill to swallow. Obviously I don't want this to happen to me in my situation.

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Well the distance thing backfired and our friendship just took a hit.

 

Basically I got a rather long text message today saying we haven't hung out or talked for two weeks AND she knows I am intentionally not responding to her texts because I respond to other mutual friends faster. Basically I never thought of this, we do have mutual friends, who she probably was with and asked about me. And they likely said he is fine and responding to my texts fine. Never even crossed my mind....I wasn't thinking. She claims she is really hurt by how I was acting.

 

So I responded saying I developed feelings for her past friendship, I felt they weren't mutual and she had a boyfriend. I told her I needed time away from this situation and it wasn't fair to just conceal these feelings when she confided in me so much including with her current relationship. I told her you can't just turn feelings of love for someone off, I am learning the hard way. I told her I have never had a situation like this happen and I didn't really know what to do. I apologized for holding these in so long but I told her I was trying to deal with it in a way that wouldn't damage our friendship.

 

In response she said and I quote

"The timing of all of this is just so awful and I am speechless, I don't know what to say or how to even react to this. How long have you been feeling like this?"

"I can't even explain my feelings right or know how I am really feeling right now about this but just know I care for you"

"I am sorry, I don't know what to say. I am in a relationship :( I wish you wouldn't have acted like this"

 

I responded basically saying "I have felt like this the past 3 months. Regardless of how you feel about me I will not stop me caring for you as a close friend and will always look out for your best interest in life. Again I have never been in a situation like this before."

 

She hasn't responded to me and that was 12 hours ago. My gut feeling has been it wasn't mutual and deep inside I knew this would damage the friendship for awhile. Logically its a no brainer, she is in a relationship. She says she is not happy at times but she's been in the relationship for 6 months now. So something was there but I shouldn't have even let these feelings develop. The not responding I guess could still be her not knowing how to react or what to say. I don't even know how I feel right now, mostly hurt I guess.

 

Love can be so difficult and it feels like you meet people and really you don't have as much control as you think when it comes to falling in love with someone. I never would have actually wanted to fall in love with a best friend. It happened, I can't control it at the end of the day or at least that is how I feel.

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I'm sorry man. I don't understand her words, though. She shouldn't be worried about the timing or what to say, because it's YOU who is having to suffer this. Obviously now it is impacting what she thought was just a good friendship, but she sounds somewhat selfish in her txts.

 

Sucks. And I know, love is almost cruel. The feeling of euphoria and the giddy school boy reaching for his phone to see what she just txtd.. I know it. And I also know the hollow feeling when losing it.

 

Stay strong man. Nothing else we can do. Hopefully time will help you two salvage this.

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