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How Should I Approach This Transition To Dating?


nursingschoolgirl

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nursingschoolgirl

I literally do not know how to make this transition. Trying to make this short, I became friends with this guy almost 3 years ago, we became friends, 9 months later started hooking up and that has continued for 2 years. He was my first. Now we are such close friends, phone calls on the daily, see each other often. We are on different pages independence-wise, he's working, I'm still in school, he's had a few serious relationships and I have not. Therefore, he does not see compatibility to date me right now. Certain things have to change first.

 

I need to change something in the dynamic of how things are right now both for myself, and for the the good of any possibility of us dating. Right now I am very dependent on him, do a lot of the calling, always expect sleepovers etc. It's easy for him.

 

But he is the typical 21 year old guy, he wants to do the chasing. I do not know how to change it is the problem. Taking steps back, giving space, letting him do the work is something I'm really not sure how to go about because we are so close already.

 

To me it's almost like letting go of our close friendship to try and let something else have the possibility of happening.

 

In the end that is what I want. I love him too much not to be with him. So I am willing to try anything. I am in nursing school and this whole thing has created distraction for me. I really need some good, non-judgmental advice. My friends are really not much help.

 

Thanks!

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Well.

 

I guess I sort of feel when big factors (like kids/living across the world from one another/etc) aren't a factor, that love should be easy.

 

When it involves a lot of second guessing and pain, maybe it's time to take a breath and really consider what you want beyond a certain person. What sort of love do you want? Begin how you mean to maintain. I personally want love to involve I and my partner being equally into calling each other, I don't like feeling like I'm chasing someone just for their affection. That's me. You might be totally different. No one but you can know what blissful easy love would feel like for you. Now of course all relationships take work and commitment from both parties. Just maybe having feelings of having to change yourself and your life for another person strike me as sort of sad. As you describe your situation it seems like he isn't giving what might make you feel secure or content. Maybe you speak different love languages. Maybe he's not ready to commit to anyone. Maybe he's sowing wild oats. Are you sure he wants to chase you... or anyone? Has he stated so?

 

I think it sounds like what you've done isn't working for you now. Personally I'd pull back and spend some me time reconnecting with my own goals, wants, needs, and do so without him in the picture. Remember what makes you you, what makes you great.

 

All you can do is determine what you need to allow you to focus on school and be in a strong place emotionally and mentally, keeping your eye on your degree. That's a degree that will impact your career and life from here on out, after all is said and done. He is going to do what he is going to do, we don't get to change people or their desires. Besides, why would we want to? You deserve someone that will be aching to commit to you, not reluctant about it. Embrace your fabulous, be kind, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may.

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May I ask if you have built the friendship foundation ( which is key), and now wish to make it more exclusive in the Bf/Gf style?

 

the roles have been started, maybe a conversation on how you would like to see things progress is in order? Be willing to accept his answer at face value. Its a risk, yet so worth it to know in the grand scheme of things.

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nursingschoolgirl
Well.

 

I guess I sort of feel when big factors (like kids/living across the world from one another/etc) aren't a factor, that love should be easy.

 

When it involves a lot of second guessing and pain, maybe it's time to take a breath and really consider what you want beyond a certain person. What sort of love do you want? Begin how you mean to maintain. I personally want love to involve I and my partner being equally into calling each other, I don't like feeling like I'm chasing someone just for their affection. That's me. You might be totally different. No one but you can know what blissful easy love would feel like for you. Now of course all relationships take work and commitment from both parties. Just maybe having feelings of having to change yourself and your life for another person strike me as sort of sad. As you describe your situation it seems like he isn't giving what might make you feel secure or content. Maybe you speak different love languages. Maybe he's not ready to commit to anyone. Maybe he's sowing wild oats. Are you sure he wants to chase you... or anyone? Has he stated so?

 

I think it sounds like what you've done isn't working for you now. Personally I'd pull back and spend some me time reconnecting with my own goals, wants, needs, and do so without him in the picture. Remember what makes you you, what makes you great.

 

All you can do is determine what you need to allow you to focus on school and be in a strong place emotionally and mentally, keeping your eye on your degree. That's a degree that will impact your career and life from here on out, after all is said and done. He is going to do what he is going to do, we don't get to change people or their desires. Besides, why would we want to? You deserve someone that will be aching to commit to you, not reluctant about it. Embrace your fabulous, be kind, be honest, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

You make some good points here. Yes he wants a gf he just doesn't see it yet with us. Neither he or I can figure out exactly what it is either. We keep saying we are in different places. But I know there are things I have to do. I have growing to for myself, before he and I can date. I think focusing more on myself would be key, but that's hard for me. He and I are so close and he's been the focus for so long.

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nursingschoolgirl
May I ask if you have built the friendship foundation ( which is key), and now wish to make it more exclusive in the Bf/Gf style?

 

the roles have been started, maybe a conversation on how you would like to see things progress is in order? Be willing to accept his answer at face value. Its a risk, yet so worth it to know in the grand scheme of things.

 

Yes, he is one of my best friends we are incredibly close, we talk all the time which is why this transition is so hard. We are FRIENDS. Good friends. Who hookup. But I want to be with him eventually once we work toward that. We have talked about it many times and he just doesn't see it yet. But neither he or I knows exactly what is missing to make it work. I think it's some things I need to do on this end. It's a not being so controlling and dependent on him. Just not sure how to approach it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry this is such a late reply, but if you want to start changing your focus (which I think is a great idea) some steps I can think of are -

 

- when you pick up the phone to call him, dial some other friend or family member instead. Start out doing this every second time you want to call him. After talking to some other friend, don't also call this guy. Just pay attention to the other friend and your conversation, then practice being content and getting what you need through that other friend.

 

- the next time you want to sleep with him, don't. Look for a study partner, or take your homework to a café or bookstore and turn off your phone and put the energy into school. It will be hard to stay focused on your work when you are wanting him - so you need to practice it.

 

You will also be practicing a great life skill, which is to choose what you do with your time and emotions, instead of being pulled against your 'will' by your emotions. It takes practice and seems almost not possible at the beginning, but you can actually choose to not do what your emotions make you 'feel you want to do'.

 

Start small. One time. Then later, one more time. It will build your confidence and independence.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

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