Keep him in my life or just cut the ties

[FaithInTheDark]

I have a friend that I've had a connection with for years, ie going out for dinners, sleeping together , him buying me gifts ...we act like a couple but we are not.

He's told me he just wants to be friends through out the years but deep down I've always hoped he'd end up commuting and we'd be together.

He's played stupid games, playing with my emotions and caused hurt.

A year went by and I totally was over him. Last time he stood me up for a lunch date and I cut him out.

He bagged for forgiveness and I did forgive him .... I know he cares about me, he tells me all the time.

Well now he's back in my life, and we're back to the exact old ways.... And I'm coaching myself to not get hurt and learn from the endless bs I've been through with him.

Last night he says he doesn't want sex to put a strain on our friendship because we got months without talking after.

He says it's not just me but he doesn't know how to date anyone or has a desire too.... That it's been a really long time for him since he's actually been with a girlfriend.

He also says he doesn't want our time together to stop me from seeing other men. It's a huge issue for him and he's too screwed up to trust girls.

That was enough for me to realize that if he can't see what a good girl he could have that's his problem. I can't convince him to have feelings for me.

I want to still be in his life but need to look out for myself.

Should I just cut him out and distance myself? Or continue to be in his life , detach (I don't know if I can completely) and remain friends ...even though I'll secretly hope he opens his eyes and heart to me.

Any advice or insight? I'm so lost

[preraph]

There's nothing about what you said that makes me think he's making any moves to get himself straightened out, i.e., see a therapist. You didn't say if there's any addiction involved. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. If he's a heavy drinker or something else, well, it's common for those guys to just admit they're no good for you because they don't even want to get help and change. Unless he actively starts working on getting help and therapy or rehab or whatever the need is to change, you are just wasting your time and energy on him. People don't do a complete 180 overnight. Even if he decided to try to be a right man for you, he doesn't know how and doesn't have that in him.

 

You should see other people and if it takes staying away completely from him to get you past focusing on him, then that's what you need to do. He knows he's not about to change.

[FaithInTheDark]

There's nothing about what you said that makes me think he's making any moves to get himself straightened out, i.e., see a therapist. You didn't say if there's any addiction involved. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case. If he's a heavy drinker or something else, well, it's common for those guys to just admit they're no good for you because they don't even want to get help and change. Unless he actively starts working on getting help and therapy or rehab or whatever the need is to change, you are just wasting your time and energy on him. People don't do a complete 180 overnight. Even if he decided to try to be a right man for you, he doesn't know how and doesn't have that in him.

 

You should see other people and if it takes staying away completely from him to get you past focusing on him, then that's what you need to do. He knows he's not about to change.

 

I know exactly- he will never be able to give me what i want or at least try. Ive been running through circles with the exact same issues with him for like 3 years. its time to wake up. he called me last night but i didnt pick up the phone.

thanks for taking the time to give me some feedback, lifes too short to waste your time with guys that aren't willing to be with you

[preraph]

I know it's hard because there's still an emotional attachment, but you have to just see him for what he is and not for what you wish he was and go find someone who is like you wish he was!! I think you'll find the relief of just making that difficult decision to leave him behind and wash your hands of him will be a big relief once it's accomplished.

[LoverOfDance]

When a man you're interested in tells you to date other men, that is a VERY bad sign. You seem like a smart lady. You already know the answer to your question.

 

I think you just need to trust yourself and trust that you're making the right decision. Please don't cause yourself anymore pain because of him. Move on. You'll be fine without him.

[nouedis]

Don't cut him out just because of the stuff y'all have been through. That's more messed up than him screwing you over. The only reason I say that, is because it seems like you truly care about this guy. He doesn't seem to care, since you never gave good examples. Just because he says he cares doesn't mean he does. I could tell my girlfriend I love her, but I could be lying because they're just words. Where are the actions? Buying dinner and having sex isn't the answer, or him buying you gifts. That's all materialistic stuff & food and intimacy. You'll know he cares when he shows you things and gives you feelings no one else has.

 

I say keep him in your life, keep your guard up, and let the cards play out right for you. Don't force it, don't let it happen - if it comes, it comes, but if it doesn't then who cares. You have other options to go through.

 

He is missing out on something special, though.

[FaithInTheDark]

Don't cut him out just because of the stuff y'all have been through. That's more messed up than him screwing you over. The only reason I say that, is because it seems like you truly care about this guy. He doesn't seem to care, since you never gave good examples. Just because he says he cares doesn't mean he does. I could tell my girlfriend I love her, but I could be lying because they're just words. Where are the actions? Buying dinner and having sex isn't the answer, or him buying you gifts. That's all materialistic stuff & food and intimacy. You'll know he cares when he shows you things and gives you feelings no one else has.

 

I say keep him in your life, keep your guard up, and let the cards play out right for you. Don't force it, don't let it happen - if it comes, it comes, but if it doesn't then who cares. You have other options to go through.

 

He is missing out on something special, though.

 

I understand the feelings I have are probably more strong then him and materialistic stuff means nothing.

But since this post him and I spent all week together. He broke down in tears explaining to me that he was sexually abused as a child and it really affected him. He told me this so I could understand why is he the way he is and why he's been resisting being in a official relationship with me.

It made a lot of sense but I can't settle for a guy that won't commit.

Though out this week I kinda realized he's not the man for me and I'm selling myself short.

But the connection has grown ...I can just tell with the constant contact he gives and him constantly expressing his appreciation for me.

I saw him before I left on vacation and he hugged, kissed me goodbye and said he'll really miss me. He's getting closer , I can tell.

It's hard to explain but it's a connection we have, it's like we're a couple but he won't lock it down. And I'm not waiting- I'd never cut him out , I'll see how the cards play out. Someone asked me if we're just friends with benefits but I feel it goes way father than that. I'm not sure what you'd label us as?

Thanks for the good feedback

[preraph]

I had something similar happen. He had some impotence because of past abuse, but I didn't know that until 15 years later. He would take home really drunk little short blond girls because he didn't consider them a big risk but he wouldn't trust himself with me because he truly liked me. He hung around without me understanding his problem so you are lucky this guy told you so you can make sense of it. Then when I did date another guy, he still hung around and tried to make a mess but I had prepared my date for him. Tell him you understand and that he must go get abuse counseling to dispel the shame he probably has making him pull back from everything -- and the fear. Keep in touch but keep dating. He might never get straightened out. Maybe this will be a wakeup call for him when a relationship he values won't work until he gets help. He can't be with you right now and staying with him before he works on the problem would only keep him in a comfort zone and enable him. Make it clear you care but have to move on until he gets help and feels better.

[GreenBlueGreen]

I had a brief FWB relationship and in the beginning it was "I don't want to ruin our friendship. I don't want a relationship, you deserve better blah blah blah."

 

 

This relationship lasted 5 months and I finally got fed up with it. You know what cut ties with him. Let it simmer for a while and see what happens. With the guy I was with I officially cut ties after he was umming and arghing and I thought stuff this there is plenty out there that want me.

 

 

I recently saw him in town and I spoke briefly with him.