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sigh. crush on married friend/boss


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I have known my friend for almost 10 years. We have kids the same ages, and I know his wife. Same friend group. Always platonic.

 

 

We've always been kind of close. But he hired me to work for him, and we've gotten a lot closer. Texting/emailing at night, him telling me very personal stories (about the death of his parents, etc.) getting each other little presents, etc. Going out to lunch and drinks.

 

 

He is friends with my husband, and if he hugs me, it's always in front of him. It's almost like we are friends with each others' spouses to keep us in check.

 

 

We are both married (more than 20 years for both if us), and we all have kids.

 

 

I love my husband, and think I am doomed to fail here.

 

 

I think what I want is for an unattainable person to want me. For him to pick me above all the others.

 

 

Realistically, I know that is stupid and guevinelle. And selfish.

 

 

Just not quiet sure how to fix it. :(

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I don't believe small crushes are necessarily destructive, if that is all they are. Enjoy the fantasy but remember it's just a fantasy. Do not take any steps to make it a reality.

 

 

You need to be the person who picks you & elevate yourself

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I don't believe small crushes are necessarily destructive, if that is all they are. Enjoy the fantasy but remember it's just a fantasy. Do not take any steps to make it a reality.

 

 

You need to be the person who picks you & elevate yourself

 

I strongly disagree...

 

Don't enjoy jack-fart. Stop the texting. Stop going out for lunch/drinks. Stop physical contact. Stop getting each other presents. What you're doing with this dude is reserved for your husband...period.

 

And quite frankly, while you believe this is "platonic", "innocent" just cuz you haven't kissed, had oral/anal and/or sex doesn't mean you already are disrespecting your husband, marriage and formed "connections" with this boss. And before you know it, you and/or the boss is gonna want to take it to another level or one nite either has one too many drinks, someone's gonna trip and fall between the other's legs.

 

Get a transfer to another dept/office/location and stop this now. Don't set up any more outside workplace stuff with him either - regardless if your husband is there cuz either your husband lost interest in you, got his own "honey" on the side, and/or is super naive to not know that his wife is getting chummy with some dude besides him.

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maybe just try to identify what it is about this person that is drawing you to be interested. it could be a trait your husband doesn't have, or a certain way he listens or talks to you. we usually only stray, or have the fantasy of straying, when our partner is not giving us what we need and this other person is. figure out what the other guy is offering you that you need so badly. and take steps to keep things professional and not take advantage of the new work situation. he could be very in-love with his wife and family and you'll make a fool of yourself.

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I strongly disagree...

 

Don't enjoy jack-fart. Stop the texting. Stop going out for lunch/drinks. Stop physical contact. Stop getting each other presents. What you're doing with this dude is reserved for your husband...period.

 

And quite frankly, while you believe this is "platonic", "innocent" just cuz you haven't kissed, had oral/anal and/or sex doesn't mean you already are disrespecting your husband, marriage and formed "connections" with this boss. And before you know it, you and/or the boss is gonna want to take it to another level or one nite either has one too many drinks, someone's gonna trip and fall between the other's legs.

 

Get a transfer to another dept/office/location and stop this now. Don't set up any more outside workplace stuff with him either - regardless if your husband is there cuz either your husband lost interest in you, got his own "honey" on the side, and/or is super naive to not know that his wife is getting chummy with some dude besides him.

 

 

 

I wish it were that easy to go NC. We live around the block from each other. Our kids go to school together. Even when not at work, I see him in the neighborhood almost every day.

 

 

But I can lay off on the texting/emailing/gifts, etc.

 

 

Thank you for the advice. I know what the right thing to do is - it's more that I am questioning why I am having these feelings at all. I think it's that I am lonely, and he is popular and respected and gives me attention. I think in a few years when his kids are gone to college, he'll be single.

 

 

How lame is that? Like I said in my original post, I want him to want me.

 

 

I know that is stupid, and irresponsible. I do not want to wreck two families. It would be a gigantic scandal in our small town.

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Grumpybutfun

The crush is a symptom. You said you are lonely. That is what you need to explore. If you and your husband have started to drift, now is the time to fix it, not when one or both of you are looking for love in all the wrong places.

Good luck,

Grumps

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Dear Jenny 2013,

From your reply it does not feel right, I'm about to think you beat around the bush.

You are not gonna listen to us, and think they (spouses) will never find out.

You're wrong.

Tell your H about what you are doing and feeling, you are having a EA.

Don't betray your family,be honest.

Otherwise we will see you in a few months in the D and infidelity side.

Tell your H, and let him deal with it, cause you will not I'm afraid.

 

Dutchman 1

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As I said, it's hard for me to go NC. I was somewhere today with kids and friends and he showed up. I talked to him with friends and left 5 minutes later.

 

 

Tonight walking my dog with my husband, see him again. Said hi and kept walking.

 

 

Doing my best to be a good wife and try to get through these thoughts.

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I have known my friend for almost 10 years. We have kids the same ages, and I know his wife. Same friend group. Always platonic.

 

 

We've always been kind of close. But he hired me to work for him, and we've gotten a lot closer. Texting/emailing at night, him telling me very personal stories (about the death of his parents, etc.) getting each other little presents, etc. Going out to lunch and drinks.

 

 

He is friends with my husband, and if he hugs me, it's always in front of him. It's almost like we are friends with each others' spouses to keep us in check.

 

 

We are both married (more than 20 years for both if us), and we all have kids.

 

 

I love my husband, and think I am doomed to fail here.

 

 

I think what I want is for an unattainable person to want me. For him to pick me above all the others.

 

 

Realistically, I know that is stupid and guevinelle. And selfish.

 

 

Just not quiet sure how to fix it. :(

 

 

You still have a choice, tell your H, that will stop your bevavior, It will save your M, and prevent greeve and pain for you, your H, your kids , the other family and the friendship.

Don't throw away all for some attention, a secret lunch date and some stolen time in a cheap motel or even worse in your or their M bed.

Wake up woman, don't get burned. read Mrs John Adams, they recovered, but the guilt is still there after 32 years, like some former Ws said here: you can't be unfu@@ed.

 

 

Dutchman 1

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Yep - tell your husband and tell his wife. It will be diffused immediately if brought out into the open.

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As I said, it's hard for me to go NC. I was somewhere today with kids and friends and he showed up. I talked to him with friends and left 5 minutes later.

 

 

Tonight walking my dog with my husband, see him again. Said hi and kept walking.

 

 

Doing my best to be a good wife and try to get through these thoughts.

 

Ok, I got a solution...

 

When you walk and he wants to chat, wave "Hi" and if he tries to stop you, say "Hey, sorry, I gotta get back to the pot roast, clothes in the wash, etc". Keep on being "busy"...eventually he'll get tired of asking you for chit-chat.

 

When you're walking with your husband and see him, Say "Hi", but reach over and put your arm around your husband and even lie your head on husband's shoulder. Quite frankly, do it as you're walking around the hood. Let him see that you're focusing your energies on your husband - not him. He'll get upset and/or disgusted and turned off from trying to work on you if he sees you and your husband or solid. Better yet, put your hands in each other's back pockets of your pants/jeans. I love seeing couples do that, it's so freakin' cute....not like arms around each other (everyone does that), but sorta having your hand on their butt/waist in a cute way :love:

 

Lastly, next time you feel something for him - do it for/with your husband. Like next time you wanna get him a gift? Buy it for your husband. Next time you wanna do a late nite chat/text - write lovely notes for your husband (i.e. "love ya, kisses/hugs" and put it in your husband's wallet. Better yet, instead of texting boss-guy, wake up your husband and seduce your husband into making love to you.

Edited by AppleKakes
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Yep - tell your husband and tell his wife. It will be diffused immediately if brought out into the open.

 

I don't agree with that...

 

My stance on bringing things to light/telling people stuff is "what/how is/are the person gonna benefit from what I'm telling them?"

 

If she tells her husband that she's got the hots for the boss, now the husband is gonna start looking at her crosseyed...and same thing with the boss' wife.

 

My thing is she needs to learn how to handle her business, cuz this isn't gonna be the last time a guy is gonna try to hit on her and/or get into her good graces. If she can't control herself and handle her business (i.e. work on her marriage and/or divorce) then doesn't matter if its her boss or some dude at a grocery store - she's gonna stray again.

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I don't agree with that...

 

My stance on bringing things to light/telling people stuff is "what/how is/are the person gonna benefit from what I'm telling them?"

 

 

Wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was having a EA ?

Wouldn't you want to know if your spouse was having butterflies for another man?

 

If she tells her husband that she's got the hots for the boss, now the husband is gonna start looking at her crosseyed...and same thing with the boss' wife.

 

 

Op gives the impression that she is playful and doesn't seem to understand what might come from it.

She seeks attention, validation and more. She's playing hard to get, and because of her issue with boundaries she will willingly go down, until it's to late.

LS is full of threads in which OP is falling for the excitement in the end.

Telling her H, is helping the M to be save.

 

My thing is she needs to learn how to handle her business, cuz this isn't gonna be the last time a guy is gonna try to hit on her and/or get into her good graces. If she can't control herself and handle her business (i.e. work on her marriage and/or divorce) then doesn't matter if its her boss or some dude at a grocery store - she's gonna stray again.

 

 

If the Op stays here, My gut says she will go for the AP, latest end august she'll be MOW. ( bet you a applecake)

Sorry AppleKakes, I'm overall most a positive thinker, but the tone and attitude of the OP makes me crumble and shake my head.

Of course she needs to learn to handle and control these itches. No doubt it could be another man, but let's first take the fuse from this future train wreck.

 

 

 

 

Hello AppleKakes, my thoughts as in bold, I think different but I do admire your logic in this.

 

 

regards

 

 

Dutchman 1

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Thanks for the rush to judgment, Dutchman and Applekakes. I have not acted on my feelings, I'm just trying to work through them.

 

 

I'm glad from two posts that you can foretell how the rest of my life will go.

 

 

I have had people (other friends, too) hit on me before, much more than my current friend. And I have ignored their advances. And I wouldn't say this friend is even hitting on me.

 

 

That's why this time it's thrown me for a loop.

 

 

My husband is aware of 99 percent of what's gone on with me and my friend/boss. The one percent is not anything scandalous. I wouldn't tell him 100 percent of my interactions with any friend.

 

 

Again, trying to be a good wife and work through why I am having these feelings.

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Thanks for the rush to judgment, Dutchman and Applekakes. I have not acted on my feelings, I'm just trying to work through them.

 

 

I'm glad from two posts that you can foretell how the rest of my life will go.

 

 

I have had people (other friends, too) hit on me before, much more than my current friend. And I have ignored their advances. And I wouldn't say this friend is even hitting on me.

 

 

That's why this time it's thrown me for a loop.

 

 

My husband is aware of 99 percent of what's gone on with me and my friend/boss. The one percent is not anything scandalous. I wouldn't tell him 100 percent of my interactions with any friend.

 

 

Again, trying to be a good wife and work through why I am having these feelings.

 

I dont think they are judging you jenny2013. I think they are actually being quite objective.

 

And it is easy to go NC if you really put your mind to it. I was an OW in my past and I had to leave everybody in my AP's circle of friends, basically I had to leave a part of my life behind to really go through with it. I avoided every place I knew he and they would be. It is all in your mindset. Keep your distance, stay aloof, dont chit chat. You do not want to go through what I did. And your situation is worse because this involves two sets of couples who know each other.

 

It is good you are realizing this before having acted on anything. Stay strong and keep pulling back. Otherwise you are just giving yourself excuses to go on with it like I did.

 

I promise you I am not judging you. I was there. It is hell. Please don't go there.

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Thank you, Dreamworld. That is what I am trying to do - not go there.

 

 

I love my husband. He is my best friend. I never want to hurt him.

 

 

I am trying to work through why I am having these feelings for my friend/boss.

 

 

He is a very moral person, and think that even if I threw myself at him, he might very much want to respond, but wouldn't. But he is still sending weird mixed signals. Which my husband even notices.

 

 

Honestly, NC is truly not an option. I work for him, I live around the corner from him, and we are in the same friend group. I can be aloof, but unless we move far, far away, there is no way I won't see him.

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Thank you, Dreamworld. That is what I am trying to do - not go there.

 

 

I love my husband. He is my best friend. I never want to hurt him.

 

 

I am trying to work through why I am having these feelings for my friend/boss.

 

 

He is a very moral person, and think that even if I threw myself at him, he might very much want to respond, but wouldn't. But he is still sending weird mixed signals. Which my husband even notices.

 

 

Honestly, NC is truly not an option. I work for him, I live around the corner from him, and we are in the same friend group. I can be aloof, but unless we move far, far away, there is no way I won't see him.

 

Well, if you want to save your marriage you may have to leave your job and distance yourself from your social circles. It doesn't sound fair but there it is. :(

 

I'm reading a book right now by a Jungian psychologist named Robert Johnson about understanding the Jungian archetype of what is called the shadow. In this book there is a section pertaining to relationships. Basically, we project this shadow (its not always negative despite the term) onto people and give them admirable qualities which we hope to possess. It's basically a form of subconscious hero worship. Perhaps, in developing a crush on your boss, it really isn't about how your husband communicates with you but perhaps its how you form relationships with others.

 

Perhaps you began this hero worship like projection on your boss because he's an authority figure in your career and you have ambition to be better at something career wise. Then, because you've.done this, you began to project other things onto him from outside of work such as relationship desires and the fact that he is affable and responsive (youre drawing him in unwittingly) has only created a loop. You perhaps just don't recognize the loop and why you are attracted to the boss at your core.

 

And now, because you've done this, you want him to want you because you think he can return some type of validation of your wants for yourself. Why? Because you haven't made inner improvements and now the external projection seems the only way to obtain these attributes. Basically, you've made him an external symbol of all that you want career wise (and I don't mean just advancement as it could be your seeking status as just simple respect, knowledge, or authority) and somehow you started unconsciously projecting all your other things at him from your relationship which you now want as well.

 

Once you've done this, you WANT that symbol or that person to want you because in wanting you you get to feel like you've gotten what you desired but you are only getting a shadow and not the real thing. While hero worship has its place and is useful for limited duration for motivation to emulate our hero's until we.obtain it.ourselves, doing it to long without conducting our inner work is actually destructive to you as a human being. It essentially keeps your growth stuck because your looking for outside validation from a symbol that you created.

 

So,.if this is true, you need to find out what YOUR weaknesses are. Find out how you communicate with your husband, what your deficiencies are and what you would like to personally improve on (you can soul search your husband's attributes later). Perhaps in doing this, you'll discover why you feel the way you do.

 

Therefore, lessen contact with you boss. Bring that stuff and project it back into yourself (if I'm.even right) and then take that inner work and strengthen your relationship with your husband.

Edited by fireflywy
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Thank you fireflywy. I really appreciate your thoughtful insights.

 

 

I wish I could blame it on career aspirations.

 

 

I don't need to work, and do so pretty much because my friend/boss asked me to. I do love it (I work with kids) but if he left, I probably would too.

 

 

I think I realize that this whole crush is a symptom of something that is wrong with me, not my marriage.

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Thank you fireflywy. I really appreciate your thoughtful insights.

 

 

I wish I could blame it on career aspirations.

 

 

I don't need to work, and do so pretty much because my friend/boss asked me to. I do love it (I work with kids) but if he left, I probably would too.

 

 

I think I realize that this whole crush is a symptom of something that is wrong with me, not my marriage.

 

That's what you have to find out. There is something you want to be better in you that you could possibly be projecting onto someone else (your boss) and see them as a mechanism for giving it to you.

 

You just gotta find it. Have faith in what you've built with your husband. Don't sail it haphazardly and risk losing it. Good things are hard to find and even harder to replace.

 

As the saying that was carved over the Oracle at Ancient Delphi "Know thyself."

 

Have faith and don't let temptations steer you from walking a honest and true path you've built with your husband.

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I just wrote this really long reply that got lost. ARGH.

 

NC is not going well at all.

 

He is contacting me. I keep running into him. I think he is lonely just like me, but maybe he just wants to be friends? Long texts from him. Coming to my friends' houses when my car is there.

 

Again, sigh.

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You're having these feelings because you see him through a limited lens. You don't see the skidmarks in his underwear, you don't walk through his fart clouds at his house and he hasn't given you the stink-eye for whatever small trespass you've committed.

 

In other words, you've got a crush because you don't really know him all that well, and he probably looks nice and treats you well, because he might have a crush on you because he hasn't had to pick up your tampons from the bathroom floor and whatever other disgusting human things there are about you.

 

Usually, the way we dispense with these crushes is to take these people on as boyfriend or girlfriend, bang them silly for a while, and figure out they are not who we thought they are. That's probably how you did it before you were married, and now, the only way you've known is foreclosed to you as an option. You're frustrated because you can't let this take its very natural course of fun first, die later.

 

I think you can keep it together if you will simply remind yourself of two things:

 

1) He ain't all that. You just don't know it yet.

 

2) If you have sex with him, your whole world will change. You'll become one of "them". You'll worry if he's going to go crazy and wreck your marriage. You'll worry about the day he says he should have never done it with you. You'll worry that you'll be found out, and lose everything. You'll become a liar and a cheater and maybe the neighborhood whore. You'll start worrying about your smell and your phone and did you leave something in his car, or is his lost sock under the couch? Nobody really thinks these things through until they've already done it, and then all of a sudden, the obvious starts to reveal itself.

 

So, just think ahead, and you should be fine.

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I guess that is the problem. He is one of my best friends.

 

He sat with me the other day and apologized for burping and his bad breath. He's comfortable enough with me to politely burp? I'm not at all thinking he's perfect.

 

I know he isn't. There is no hero/boss factor really going on here.

 

Although the boss/friend thing complicates things.

 

Just a friend, who I like, who I think likes me. Which is not ok. Because we are married and are friends.

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TaraMaiden2
I just wrote this really long reply that got lost. ARGH.

 

NC is not going well at all.

 

He is contacting me. I keep running into him. I think he is lonely just like me, but maybe he just wants to be friends? Long texts from him. Coming to my friends' houses when my car is there.

 

Again, sigh.

 

Have you actually thought of having a word with HIM and outlining how you feel about this?

 

The worst thing is having to deal with a situation and counter-act certain circumstances when others 'in the loop' are actually unaware of what's going on in your head.

 

Tell this guy first of all that you need to cool the private and personal chat, because it's messing with your head and putting you in an uncomfortable frame of mind...

 

Then speak with your H.

You are most certainly having issues within the marriage: It's not just 'you', it's both of you.

You, in every certainty, LOVE your H.

 

Are you IN LOVE with him?

 

If there is a certain factor within your relationship that lacks spark, intimacy, affection, closeness, togetherness, then it's possible the near familiarity between you has caused your marital love to wane and you are more in the zone of companionable love.

 

Think on this.

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I think if I talked to him about my feelings that it would be the end of our professional friendship. It would almost have to be.

 

I think he has a pretty good idea of what's going on in my head, and I think he has an idea of what's going on in mine.

 

If I say it and he doesn't agree, he pretty much has to fire me. Which is stupid and backwards but more complicated than I can say here.

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