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Effect of age and divorce on a new relationship


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Hello All!

 

 

This is my first time posting on a forum and especially one such as this. I need some advice on a relationship that has been building (or not) with one of my coworkers. First off, she is 35 and divorced with joint custody of their four kids. I am 23... We have been flirting and interacting during social gatherings for the past year. We ended up hooking up a few weeks ago. She kissed me afterwards and said to call her. We talked before about how she freaks when she gets close to guys now and I understand but I still can't help wanting more. I know if I ever want a chance I must give her space but I over analyze the things she says and constantly second guess myself. I'm usually very confident and interact easily with women. Any advice you can giv e would be much appreciated.

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AGoodFriend

What I would say is relax and be happy for the experience. I'm sure it was great! That is why you want more. Being with a significantly older woman (12-20 years age difference) is a mystifying experience for a young man just starting out.

 

Just keep in mind a few things. She's got a lot going on in her life and may not be ready for any type of serious relationship. She's still got children who need her attention, and they are going to be her top priority. Because of the joint relationship, she is going to have to deal with the ex very frequently. Depending on how they broke up, that may or may not be a rough experience. Also consider the age difference. You may have been a fling for her, especially if she hadn't done anything since the divorce was finalized.

 

I would just say to give her a call at some point, see how she's doing. She if she'd like to go get a cup of coffee. Listen to her and see what's on her mind. Don't bring up the hookup unless she mentions it. If she does, see how she feels about it.

 

Musikman, I have been in your situation before my man. An older woman will turn you out! IM me if you want to know my story.

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musikman,

 

Agree with the others... take it cautiously. There are some HUGE obstacles in your path.... and it kinda depends on what you (and she) want.

 

You make end up with a FWB situation (if thats what you want) and could be fun for awhile. It's just not my cup of tea.

 

An emotional relationship will present plenty of challenges. Four kids is enough, but you make like that, but a HUGE step for a start.

 

While the age difference may or may not be a killer, it's more than half a generation... some of her friends could be your moms friends, and some of your friends may be her kids friends. That's a hard situation. If you were 50, it would probably be a non issue. But you're just getting started and she's certainly a lot more experienced.

 

I'd take it day at a time.....

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Thank you all for your helpfulness. Everything you have said are all things I've thought about and I agree, I do need to take things a day at a time and keep an open mind about it.

 

 

I recently went out of town for a month and all texting has ceased which is probably a good thing. This is a new area for me where I did not know anyone. I went from a suburban area with lots of cities nearby to an isolated rural town. I actually teach two of her kids and rumors had spread about us (because of flirting and incidental happenings at the bar...) so it is probably in both of our best interests to stop.

 

 

IT also doesn't help that she is always gets incredibly intoxicated when we hang out and I end up being the one that takes care of her. She acts as if she is still in college and partying, but I guess I can't blame her. She is alone in a house with four kids in a town that is rumor driven.

 

 

I hope I can be a good friend and if we have some fun on the side than that is okay too.

Any suggestions you all have about dealing with rumors in a small town is appreciated. My town has around 900 people in it. Everyone MUST go to church and many of those enforcers are the ones who I have the least respect for. They are the ones that beat their wives and are alcoholics and start these nasty rumors. I don't think I'm cut out to date, let alone live, in a small town such as this.

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I was going to ask why not be with a woman your age or younger, but, wow, your town is painfully small, so I understand why you go for the older woman. Pickin's are slim.

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Yeah.... There really are not any younger woman around besides recent high school graduates (no thanks)

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It may be a good idea to establish what she wants out of this. Maybe she's different, and a little more forward-thinking than the average woman, but I can't imagine there is anything, aside from FWB, that a 35 year old woman with 4 kids would want with a 23 year old man.

 

Like I said, I don't know her so I can't say for sure that she is an "age doesn't matter" type of woman, but this almost feels like a cougar situation. So, just see what she wants before putting much more thought into it.

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It may be a good idea to establish what she wants out of this. Maybe she's different, and a little more forward-thinking than the average woman, but I can't imagine there is anything, aside from FWB, that a 35 year old woman with 4 kids would want with a 23 year old man.

 

Like I said, I don't know her so I can't say for sure that she is an "age doesn't matter" type of woman, but this almost feels like a cougar situation. So, just see what she wants before putting much more thought into it.

 

OR...

 

She wants a serious long term relationship, but realizes that younger men only want sex or FWB with older women.

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She is definitely not interested in a long term relationship. She has made that pretty clear... She needs alot of space. I actually just found out that they never actually got a divorce... She is technically still married. I'm not sure how I feel about that. They haven't lived together for over a year and she acts like she hates him...

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Hope Shimmers

You are too young for a woman 12 years your senior who isn't even divorced and has baggage of 4 kids. You can enjoy the sex or casual relationship but I think you need to look elsewhere for any kind of ongoing serious relationship.

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mystikmind2005
You are too young for a woman 12 years your senior who isn't even divorced and has baggage of 4 kids. You can enjoy the sex or casual relationship but I think you need to look elsewhere for any kind of ongoing serious relationship.

 

I would wager she already realizes this and a casual relationship would take allot of pressure off everyone, but how to bring it up?? Oh boy, ahem, just excuse me while i go and tiptoe through that minefield and see if i can blow myself up!! lol

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Sunlight72

With all you've written, please stop seeing her. Don't be her shoulder to cry on. If what you say is accurate, she won't be in any bigger hurry to finalize her divorce and move forward with her life if she's got you to talk to, cry to, and fool around with.

 

I get you're enjoying being with her and the flirting is fun.

 

An alchohol binging not-yet-divorcé is not someone you can trust with your heart or employment or safety (who knows if her 'ex' considers himself an 'ex'?).

 

If you're teaching 2 of her kids for pay, that won't last long if the rumors get more fuel. If you want to leave town, do, but don't just be lazy and let the situation get you. Choose your situation.

 

Do you have a car? Please drive your self to the next towns for some social events!

 

I grew up in a small town in eastern Nebraska and went to college in the panhandle. You mention you're usually pretty comfortable meeting women - in the nearest 6 towns there are about a dozen women between 21 and 28 looking over their shoulders hoping to meet a fun guy that didn't grow up in their town. Be that guy :)

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Sunlight72

P.S. You know more details than I do, but the feeling I get from what you've written is that the easy, fun part of your time with her is winding down and she'll be seeing you more as a person to dump her emotional crap on from here on out.

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That is an interesting situation to be in, personally I think you need to just continue to hang out or potentially go on dates with her to see how things progress.

 

I have a very close friend recently date a woman who had 2 kids from a previous marriage. He was 26 and she was 29. I can tell you from the many conversations he had with me throughout the relationship, it was difficult for him. There were always cancellation of plans because of something going on with the kids, drama from the ex-husband, etc. I am not saying this would happen to you, but I feel you need to consider if you want to be put into that type of potential situation at the age of 23.

 

They eventually broke up, he actually felt relieved after the break up, all the drama and ups and downs he had gone through the past 5 months were gone and past him.

 

I am 28 and I know with my current spot in life, I could definitely not handle a situation like that.

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That is an interesting situation to be in, personally I think you need to just continue to hang out or potentially go on dates with her to see how things progress.

 

I have a very close friend recently date a woman who had 2 kids from a previous marriage. He was 26 and she was 29. I can tell you from the many conversations he had with me throughout the relationship, it was difficult for him. There were always cancellation of plans because of something going on with the kids, drama from the ex-husband, etc. I am not saying this would happen to you, but I feel you need to consider if you want to be put into that type of potential situation at the age of 23.

 

They eventually broke up, he actually felt relieved after the break up, all the drama and ups and downs he had gone through the past 5 months were gone and past him.

 

I am 28 and I know with my current spot in life, I could definitely not handle a situation like that.

 

Vick007,

 

That was a very good post.

 

The tram, stress, uncertainty, baggage regardless of how sexy, nice or passionate she is can be hard to take.

 

I'm a lot older that both of you and there's no way I'd put up with this and recently ended a relationship that I though would last that had all this stress and problems (but a few different reasons).

 

It's awful nice to have a great relationship with one's partner without stress, baggage and BS... Hell, we have enough problems with just day to day stuff.....

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