Jump to content

I think he made a 'serious' move, but did he?


blueberrymuffin

Recommended Posts

blueberrymuffin

I know this is long, but I would so appreciate a couple of opinions. This could change things for me majorly.

 

I have a male friend, we've been really good friends for 7 years. A little background, for years the friendship was totally platonic.

 

He lives the other side of the country and I've been to visit him a few times, his home town is where I am so he comes too to see friends and family. We see each other a few times a year but we stay in close touch over the phone.

 

So basically, 6 months ago he calls me and starts talking about how his family is nagging him to get married. Then he says 'I'm kidding about giving in to the pressure, but actually this is the year I do want to find the life partner'. At the end he goes 'so when are you coming to visit?' And we arranged a date in 6 weeks for me to go. So the one thing he has never ever spoken to me about is his love life, and never wants to know about mine. So this was a little weird. When I put the phone down it did occur to me that he might have been putting out some feelers dressing it up in weird way. But I'm not sure.

 

In the period between the phone call and the visit he calls almost every week (before it was maybe every 2 months). So I go visit, we spend the day together, it was all normal. In the evening we go to this place, get a drink, and he asks suddenly 'what are you plans?' I genuinely misunderstand and say 'to finish this drink' so he says 'I know this isn't the best place to have this conversation, but what are your life plans? Your timeframe for husband, kids' I said 'it will happen when it happens, no time frame. When I meet the one, that's when I'll settle down.' Then stared into my drink and didn't make eye contact ha ha. Anyway drink finished we walk on to dinner and then followed a strange conversation where he claimed marriage was about making it work with someone, and that I was an idealist, and that he didn't necessarily believe in love he just believed you make a relationship work. I actually don't believe he means the love thing as nothing he has said in the past has indicated this. But he was quite argumentative and almost a little mean to me (again never been like this in 7 years!!) and it sounded like he was just trying to be controversial.

 

He then stops calling, I call him a couple of times as I don't want to lose the friendship. And then he goes back to calling me once a week. Meantime I start thinking about maybe I could feel more for him. He then came to our home town (month later), we went to dinner, he paid when I had gone to the ladies. During the evening I bought up his 'marriage plans for the year ahead' and then joked 'I would say I'll do that too but you've got it covered' he replied 'nah, it won't happen to you, you're too much of an idealist.'

 

I begin to think I'm actually seeing him in a different light, so I tried to arrange another meeting with him but he kept trying to fit me in between other things, so I just cancelled as it is not the convo you have in a hour and also I felt pissed at him fitting me in. When he went back home the calls continued pretty much weekly.

 

Anyway, back when I visited I told him I wanted to go travelling (to literally the other side of the world) he said 'oh I'd love to come.' (he likes the culture) Anyway long story but basically I asked him over the phone if was coming because if he wan't I was going with another friend somewhere else. He's like, 'oh no I'm coming'. He's basically now coming half way across the world just the two of us and agreeing to do things that really aren't his bag.

 

The flip side to all of this is, he's come back down to our home town in the intervening time and not met up with me. Also lately his weekly phone calls have petered out to less frequent.

 

I'm writing this now, because I finally saw him a couple of days ago and boy have my feelings changed! I just don't know how to go about this. I really think I could marry this guy.

 

a) Does it sound like he was making a serious move that day and I just shut him down?

 

b) if so, does his not meeting me every time he comes to town and his less frequent calls mean he's changed his mind?

 

c) And something will have to happen on the holiday or nothing ever will. Do I say something? He's totally the alpha male, and would chase but would he chase if he's been shut down before?

 

d) I know I have to do something, as I need to know. But do I let him take the lead on holiday or say something?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Blueberrymuffin, the huge problem I see is that he doesn't believe in love and is only trying to get married to shut his parents up. Those are two huge things: A guy who apparently doesn't love you or anyone else and a guy who is still taking orders from his mommy!! That is not someone to marry! And then at the first hint of resistence he got all nasty on you. It's hard enough keeping a man (or woman) happy if both are in love. Without that, it's just not going to work. Without that, you will basically just end up agreeing to "Be" whatever he wants you to be.

 

He might not even be straight, for all you know. I certainly cannot recommend marrying a cold unfeeling man, sorry.

Link to post
Share on other sites
imtooconfused

This relationship is trouble, right from the start...

 

He did want to talk about marriage with you. I wouldn't call it a proposal as SmartDude indicates but he was definitely testing the waters. You did pretty much shut him down, but it I can't say that you were unjustified.

 

He seems to be looking at marriage with all the practical considerations of a car/home purchase. He seems to be looking at marriage as checking off boxes on a to-do list.

 

  • Wife... check
  • Suburban home... check
  • Friendly pets... check
  • Kids... check

As you clearly mention, love does not seem to be one of the boxes that he needs to check off. Clearly your question revolves around the fact that you are developing feelings for him. But as I see it, he has two significant issues that conflict with yours... Firstly he is looking entirely too far into the future with his plans and wants every thing specified before he makes even a short term move. Secondly because he is thinking exclusively on practical considerations, the emotional aspects of a relationship with him are nowhere to be found. I'm sure those are important to you above and beyond the friendship. I would be uncomfortable in such an emotionless relationship.

 

As a result, if it were me, I would communicate to him that I did have plans, but that those plans include finding a partner just as much, if not more than, finding a husband or father to my children. I would also stress that marriage should be preceded by a period of courtship and that any significant marriage offer can only come after a serious relationship is in place. Regardless of what I think, you should weigh your expectations against his to see if they have any chance of matching.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...