I love him, I love him not, He likes me, he likes me not..?

[SherbetFirework]

My stomach's flipping having seen the stories posted here; Im not alone! Please show me what Im not seeing here...

 

Six months ago I moved out of an abusive relationship. I had actually ended it a year ago but it took me 6 months to move out. I left my seaside home for a return to the Big Smoke and threw myself into a whirlwind social life. I also had counselling to help me recover and move on with my journey. I was out every weekend meeting new people, meeting new guys. I met a lot of bad boys who already had girlfriends and just wanted a bit on the side, guys I just was not interested in and boys that I wanted to kiss that night but nothing more. A real mix and nobody who I cared about. I knew that I was not ready for a relationship of any kind but I knew I wanted to test the waters and see what was out there,have a bit of fun. The blow came just before Christmas when I met a guy I totally connected with at a party. He had a girlfriend so I refused to entertain his advances (been down this path before, not again) and told him he should go home to his girlfriend. It was at this point that I realised I wasnt meeting anyone available because I was not available. I spent that weekend doing a lot of soulsearching and asking myself what I really wanted. I decided then to concentrate on me and to be the flame; flit through my social diary and not bother with guys at all and to put myself first.

 

A week later I went to my work Christmas party. I was having such a great time laughing and enjoying the free bar. I was chatting to a colleague when suddenly I was drawn to a man who had walked through the door. I swear it was such an instant. I just looked at him and knew I had to have him. This wasnt anything I had felt in the previous 3 months of partying. I made a beeline for this guy and we got chatting. At the end of the night he walked me to the tube but didnt ask for my number. I figured this was OK. After all, I didnt want a relationship. But. On the tube home I was kicking myself. I really enjoyed talking to him. He was interesting and made me laugh. Damn it, I wanted his number and to see him again. I found him on a networking site and invited him to connect.

 

The next morning I awoke to an email telling me he had accepted my invite. Yeeahhh so there he was in my cloud somewhere. Maybe he had a girlfriend anyway but at least a pin had been dropped in my life. I was unprepared when that evening an email popped through from him asking if I had got home safely. I said yes and told him I had a busy weekend ahead. Thus started an email conversation that lasted over a week through Christmas. After Christmas he suggested meeting up. I gave him my number and he texted. We met for an early date the next day. It was so much fun. We laughed a lot and talked about our backgrounds, what we thought about stuff. I was really taken by him. Chatting was easy, we made each other laugh. There were no awkward silences and in 9 hours we just found loads to talk about. We were still together after midnight and then he made his move. He asked if Id like to go back to his. I did want to. So I did. We slept together but did not have sex. In the morning I decided to leave straight away. He walked me to the bus stop and asked me to call him when I was free. I said I would. Back at home I was feeling like I wanted to go back and see him because I had really enjoyed being with him. But obvs played it cool. Later that day I received a text! He asked if I had had a chance to rest. I said yes and that I would call him in the new year.

 

New year… tried to see him and he kept saying he was busy but he’d have more an idea when he was free by such and such date and he would always contact me when he said he would so I was never worried by his actions or lack of! We eventually met again 2 weeks into January but he didnt take me on a date; he asked me to his place! So slightly cautious because I didnt want to have sex with him if I was going to end up feeling used; I wanted to have some control over whether I had sex with him or not and how I was going to feel about it. I got there and didnt feel secure so decided against it. He was cool with this and said that hanging out and having fun didnt mean we had to have sex (phew!) In all this, Im still thinking I dont want a relationship anyway, I do just want fun but at the same time I will have sex on my terms, not on the guys. I dont want to walk away feeling used and abused! We went for a really long walk in the park afterwards and chatted then I went home. That day I was offered a job 200 miles away that would take me away for 12 weeks. I had 5 weeks til I left and in my mind the time away would be a great place to get stuck into work,concentrate on me and do some more recovery without distractions from boys or partying.

 

We met again the following week and I decided life was too short, I was going away, hadnt had sex in nearly a year AND I liked him enough and felt more secure so we did the deed and I walked away feeling fine! He insisted on walking me to where I was meeting a friend later that day but he declined to get close enough for my friend to see us together. Hmmn. Casual or what??? I said Id call him when I had time…

 

A few days later he messaged me out of the blue telling me he was going to work in the seaside town I had moved back to the city from. I was incredulous because randomly I was heading down there myself to visit a girlfriend. I was like, oh thats nice, enjoy yourself. He responded by telling me where he would be. I wrote back if I had time Id walk past and wave. He then said if I didnt see him there Id see him in this other place. I started laughing because even a heart in a cage old bird like me could see he was trying to make contact with me. And I just wasnt allowing it, was I? anyway as it turned out, I found the place he said he’d be in and with my heart beating loudly, I saw him, waved… and carried on walking!!! When I reached my friend and told her what had happened she said I was being stupid and playing it way too cool; obviously the boy was reaching out to me and I was not having it! Later on, I did message him and say sorry I had rushed past and not stopped to chat to him but I was busy and it seemed he too had been busy. He responded it was fine and we’d hook up soon. So we probably met 2 or 3 times more, every time, I feel like Im getting closer to him. The cuddles in bed are longer, the kissing is more like… intimate.. he’s telling me what’s going on in his life.. and the last time I saw him, he came to pick me up from the train station without telling me he was going to be there (he knew the train was getting in at such time). My intention had always been that this was a nice guy who I was having fun with but I was not going to pursue anything with him. Im going away for 3 months and when I go this little fling will end. We had not discussed what would happen. We dont discuss where we are at relationshipwise or where we have come from, where our bruises or scars are. he knows nothing about my abusive relationship or my 3 months of whirlwind rollercoaster silly boys. The final time I saw him he also suggested I get a friend I had been saying was in the next town to come pick me up and that he’d be happy to meet her! So it’s gone from hiding to actively saying he’ll meet my friends. That same day he introduced me to his flatmate when before he’d hidden me. He also told me that he had thought I was a lot younger than I was and it was his reluctance to date anyone under 30 (he’s 31) that had stopped him from asking for my number the first time we had met. So a guy just after fun wont date someone under 30? What’s that about?

 

So… we left it.. or rather I left it by saying I was going. I asked him not to be a stranger. I said if he found himself up north to pop in on me. I said if I found myself back in London on a day off I would contact him. We kissed goodbye and that was it. My girlfriend who had come to pick me up took me back to hers and with a round of toast and cup of coffee I told her how happy Id been in those 10 weeks or so ‘seeing’ A and that I had grown to think of him as a nicer guy than I had imagined he would be and then I broke down. The fears from my previous relationship were just clouding everything. I cant even write in words what Im feeling. Its like an emotional block. Im not forcing baggage from my past relationship on this new guy,I dont imagine he’ll do to me what my ex did, but any time I imagine being happy there is something I cannot get past and I just break down and cry.

 

I left then for my new job. Very full-on and incredibly long hours. The only time I didnt think about work was last thing at night before I slept and first thing in the morning when I awoke. And then the conveyor belt of the tasks I had to perform that day lay in front of me and Id get on with it. Life was particularly hard at night and Id cry myself to sleep often and not actually know why. I missed A every day but never contacted him. Nor he me.

 

Then this week everything came to an abrupt end. I had been struggling with some of the tasks and it was suggested perhaps I was too inexperienced for the role. I conceded and happily gave my notice. But panic set in. What was I going to do with the rest of the time I had told people Id be away for? Oh my gosh, I was going to have to confront everything head on that I thought would have sorted themselves out whilst I was working. What those things are, Im still not sure nor can I put into words but Im sure of one thing; I totally want to see A and dont know whether Im even in the right place to pursue him. I dont even know I want a relationship but I do want him in my life. I did text him yesterday to say hi, how are you and he said he was working on a pretty big project, he was busy, how was everything going with me. I said things were tough but did not tell him I was back. And left it at that. Everytime I think of him or look at a picture of him I just start crying and I dont understand these feelings, I dont know what is going on with me. Since coming back 4 days ago, Ive decided as well as finding a new job ASAP, that I must make me the best person I can totally be. I have stopped drinking so much, I have started running, I want to look smoking hot and I want a healthy, clear mind too. So Im pretty sure that me bettering myself is for me and part of my recovery, not for A or any other guy.

 

I've never been in a "casual" relationship like this so dont know if sometimes things start out like this and carry on or whether there are firm signs here that the guy is only after one thing (my gut says he likes me). And if he does like me, what the hell is going on with me? Why is my barrier so high and why am I so sad? Help!

[preraph]

Well, just when you'd decided you should work on yourself, up popped a guy. So you still probably haven't processed the last relationship -- and it being abusive, you probably would benefit from seeing an abuse counselor to sort out why this happened to you and make sure you don't continue to attract bad guys, because that very commonly happens. There is something they sense in you, a tolerance, that lets them know you will not run them off the first red flag like you should.

 

But now, this guy sounds like a nice one. As long as you are positive he is not married, you should contact him and let him know you are back in town and sit him down and let him know you are on a mission to sort through yourself. Don't go into too much detail. Just tell him you had been in an abusive relationship. If that was the only one, tell him it was the only one and not one in a series to make him feel better. Tell him when you first met him you had just decided to take time out for yourself, but then you met him and that that's why you might not have seemed very grounded or whatever with him.

 

Don't just agree to a series of hookups though. He was nice and met you at the station. That shows he does like you and not just want to do you. But you must also show him that you have some standards and not just accept whatever he throws out there if it is not what you want. If he wants you to come over and you feel like you haven't been out in awhile, tell him you were hoping you could go out to dinner or a movie.

 

But let him know you're back right now because if he finds out you were back and didn't say so, he'll be suspicious of all kinds of reasons why.

[SherbetFirework]

Thank you for giving me some clarity; I know the way forward with this guy, if there is one, is to move things away from the bedroom and keep working on myself, keep a life going where it doesnt matter if the guy is there or not.

 

As for contacting him again, part of me thinks he should chase but given our stupid careers I completely understand if he doesnt; I dont know anyone out of our industry who truly understands that when we say we are "busy", we really and truly are! I feel when the timing is right in my own mind Ill just drop him a casual text and say Im back, it didnt work out, give me a shout when he's next free... maybe Ill do this tomorrow... maybe not! And take it from there...