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Yeah yeah, posting about my FWB. Kill me now...


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So, as many of you know, I'm seeing this guy...

 

We met last year when we started working together. The same night I met him I also met his girlfriend, so I never thought of him in a sexual way at all. I was also seeing someone else at the time.

He was essentially a work colleague and a drinking buddy.

 

In late November, as I was wallowing due to the recent collapse of my previous relationship, I texted my work husband to go out. He decided to invite the rest of the team we work with, which was an awesome idea!

So he's one of the few who turns up. And work husband and I ask him if his gf is joining us (as she often did) and he tells us they broke up the previous week. This incites a toast from all of us, as I confess to also be done with the guy I was seeing, and work husband saying he doesn't think his marriage will survive a big crisis they had in the summer.

 

Right that moment, a switch flipped and this guy turned into a sexual being for me.

 

We drank a lot. The place we were at closed and him and I decided to carry on drinking, while everyone else went home. I don't know exactly how things happened, but he ended up in my bed that night. We didn't have sex, though.

Cool... I didn't think much of it.

 

Over the next few weeks we hooked up a few more times, even though he was clearly struggling with it and with his breakup (I think it was a mutual breakup, but because she had long checked out of the relationship. They lived together, had been dating for maybe a year and a half, I think).

 

Then I left to go home for a month, for xmas. First couple of weeks we texted on and off, which was the first time it happened, as during the previous weeks we'd have virtually no contact in between hookups or working together. After NYE somehow the texting became daily. Not entirely sure how or why. The ex finally finished moving out (she wasn't living there anymore, but some of her stuff was still there, including all the room furniture) and he seemed like he was moving on.

 

Great! I come back, we get together, at his behest. our schedules weren't very compatible, but we managed to see each other. Still texting every day.

 

Then he goes to a gig, and she was also there. He realised then he wasn't really over the whole situation, which made me sad. Then last week he was supposed to be coming out with work husband and me and ended up saying he wasn't up for it, as he was just overthinking things getting drunk would not help matters...

 

This has made all my insecurities surface. Since then we've been texting and went on a great date, but something is definitely off.

 

Now, I know this isn't serious. We haven't talked about it at all, but we are definitely not dating. He is still getting over his breakup and I get it. At the same time, this daily texting thing has definitely gotten me involved. I'm not in love with him, or anything, and rationally I don't even know if we'd be compatible in the long term, but I grew to like him and we definitely have a lot in common and have a lot of fun together.

 

And I'm not sure what to do... I want to talk to him and define what we're doing once and for all(and if it's casual, let him know, beyond any doubt, that it cannot be exclusive). On the other hand, I have grown quite attached to the daily texting. And even when I find it in me to not text him, he ends up texting.

 

UGH. I'm not sure I'm looking for any advice... Just needed to put it out there. Can't bore my friends with this anymore. I just need the guts to clarify and/or walk away!! Stupid men! I hate men all :p

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I imagine his attempted reconciliation with the ex will be short-lived, but you never know. I would just say until that is settled, he won't have a good answer for you. It would be perfectly understandable if you told him, Hey, I see you still have unfinished business with your ex, and I'm going to bow out until you get all that filed away. Feel free to call me when it's over for good.

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I imagine his attempted reconciliation with the ex will be short-lived, but you never know. I would just say until that is settled, he won't have a good answer for you. It would be perfectly understandable if you told him, Hey, I see you still have unfinished business with your ex, and I'm going to bow out until you get all that filed away. Feel free to call me when it's over for good.

 

Oh I don't think there is any chance of him and the ex getting back together. She's pretty much moved on already. But he's a bit hung up on it. I don't think he's over her, and because they have ALL the friends in common, it gets a bit difficult to avoid her completely.

 

I thought maybe whatever it is we have going on was helping him, but now I'm not entirely sure and I think he's also pulling away a bit because of it... But still with the constant contact...

 

But yeah... I've pondered doing exactly what you mention. But then the awful truth is that the thought of regular sex makes me keep my mouth shut...

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I know you said you don't clearly know what you are looking for in terms of advice so I'll try to be respectful and blunt.

 

I don't think you will last, therefore, I think you are wasting your time. No need to be myopic when you already know what will inevitably happen. Good luck.

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I know you said you don't clearly know what you are looking for in terms of advice so I'll try to be respectful and blunt.

 

I don't think you will last, therefore, I think you are wasting your time. No need to be myopic when you already know what will inevitably happen. Good luck.

 

You know, I really don't necessarily disagree with you. I just need to talk to him and define things once and for all! And walk away if need be.

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I'm not sure what you need to clarify with him? He's on the rebound, of course it's casual. Do you want more? He's not ready for it, it's obvious.

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This might all be moot anyway. For some reason he decided to ignore a couple of messages, while still being active on the messaging app.

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Just to talk to him, openly an honestly. Ask where you stand, what he currently thinks and feels, if there is potential for more, what he is looking for out of this etc. Every chance he is wondering the same things as you. Every chance he has felt a shift of the dynamics of the relationship and is unsure of what is going on or where it could lead. The only people who know the answers are you and him.

 

Don't assume or guess or leave things open to misunderstanding between yourselves. No point dancing to the tune of the unsaid. No point reacting to the assumed. No point applying definites to doubt. Clarify first, then think and decide.

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Just to talk to him, openly an honestly. Ask where you stand, what he currently thinks and feels, if there is potential for more, what he is looking for out of this etc. Every chance he is wondering the same things as you. Every chance he has felt a shift of the dynamics of the relationship and is unsure of what is going on or where it could lead. The only people who know the answers are you and him.

 

Don't assume or guess or leave things open to misunderstanding between yourselves. No point dancing to the tune of the unsaid. No point reacting to the assumed. No point applying definites to doubt. Clarify first, then think and decide.

 

You are right. I think it needs to be done. I'm gonna leave it for a couple of days. Don't want to come out all psycho and he's not answered 2 messages so far, so I'm gonna give him time to reach out. If he doesn't then I'll ask him what is up and hopefully get a conversation going about what is going on between us.

 

A couple of my friends pointed out that maybe he's hurt I ended up not taking him to a show...

I'm trying to get a job on said show and have done a bit of schmoozing, but felt I needed to remind them of me, so as I was chatting to him said I should go see the show one day last week. And that I would need a date, so as to not look I was there just to remind them to give me a job. He said he had no doubt I'd have no trouble finding someone, to which I replied "You'd be surprised".

And at that, he offered to go with me, if I needed it. I thanked him and said I'd take him up on the offer.

Anyway, the tickets I managed to get were for a matinee show. Turns out he was working that day. For some reason I didn't tell him about it. I ended up going with a girl friend and when I told him I'd just gone to see the show he was like "Oh so you went without me? How rude LOL" and "Glad you enjoyed it, even though I wasn't there" to which I said it would have been much better with him there.

 

Anyway, he's not a fan of musicals, at all. It didn't cross my mind he could actually be upset by NOT going to a musical. But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that he is a bit upset and maybe wondering if I went with some other guy or something...

 

He overthinks every thing, just like I do. So maybe he is feeling slighted and is pulling away before I can... Definitely need to have a chat with him.

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So maybe he is feeling slighted and is pulling away before I can... Definitely need to have a chat with him.

Sounds like a good plan. :)

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Still haven't had "the talk" with him. We only managed to get together once, since I posted this, and he was a bit on the drunk side and it didn't feel like the right time to ask.

 

He did say that he was confused as to why I keep coming back... his self esteem isn't that great... So I think we're now primed to have a proper conversation about what's happening. It will have to wait a few more days though, as he's off on holiday with his best friend for a few days... But he's said he wants to get together as soon as he gets back and we both have the whole week off

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There is no clarification needed. You know the answer to your questions and thats frankly why your asking. He texts you because its a time killer, a space filler, its habit, ego strokes, its helping him try to get over her and he isn't.

Sex and love and feelings are NOT related in fwb situation.

It may seem that way since he is keeping up with you but make no mistake...your not the one. He isn't feeling you, your a crutch.

Im bring blunt to try and help you.

And do you think if you talk to him he's gonna be able to divulge the truth and tell you what I just did? Nope...matter of fact it will probably make him pull way back, make things weird...

Hes got an ex he has feelings for and cant get over...and a friend whos willing to listen, sleep with him and text him every day while he licks his wounds and sorts through his life.

Id just stop now. This doesn't have to ve complicated.

Just a quick text..."I've been thinking, would like to focus on my work and make positive changes, I need to step away and I wish you the best and wont be able to continue communicating. No hard feelings and I appreciate you respecting the no contact"

Trust me do this and get out of this sitation. Nothing good will come of it and it will hurt you 100 times more later. The guy is using you, stop him and refocus on other friends, your career, your goals and your life. You know the answers, take control.

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There is no clarification needed. You know the answer to your questions and thats frankly why your asking. He texts you because its a time killer, a space filler, its habit, ego strokes, its helping him try to get over her and he isn't.

Sex and love and feelings are NOT related in fwb situation.

It may seem that way since he is keeping up with you but make no mistake...your not the one. He isn't feeling you, your a crutch.

Im bring blunt to try and help you.

And do you think if you talk to him he's gonna be able to divulge the truth and tell you what I just did? Nope...matter of fact it will probably make him pull way back, make things weird...

Hes got an ex he has feelings for and cant get over...and a friend whos willing to listen, sleep with him and text him every day while he licks his wounds and sorts through his life.

Id just stop now. This doesn't have to ve complicated.

Just a quick text..."I've been thinking, would like to focus on my work and make positive changes, I need to step away and I wish you the best and wont be able to continue communicating. No hard feelings and I appreciate you respecting the no contact"

Trust me do this and get out of this sitation. Nothing good will come of it and it will hurt you 100 times more later. The guy is using you, stop him and refocus on other friends, your career, your goals and your life. You know the answers, take control.

 

I think you misunderstand... I like him and I think there could be potential for more. But I'm not in love with him, and if he says he's not interested, it will be no skin off my back.

 

I quite like the regular sex!

 

The reason I want to have a conversation with him is to find out if he thinks there could be some potential there as well. If not, then I'll actively start dating others, which I haven't done recently.

 

I too was just out of a relationship and he has been just what I needed to get over the last guy. I think I'm over him, but to be honest, I haven't really dealt with the possibility of him coming back and wanting to meet up.I haven't spoken to him in about 2 months, because the last time I did, it was all flirty and I decided not to text him back, as it was confusing. I don't know what would happen if he contacted me once he got back in town (the reason things ended was because he was going away for an indefinite period of time and neither of us wanted to do the distance thing).

 

I have a long term FWB potentially coming into town soon, so I'll have someone to distract me from the current guy, if things stay casual.

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ASG honey

 

I think you need to take matters into your own hands and say to this guy. This is what I want from you and if I am not going to get that this is what will happen...

 

Leave him be for a bit and quit the texting etc and see how you feel about that.

 

There are always more fish and the pft feeling doesn't last long xxx

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This guy seems to drink alot. Is it because he's struggling with his breakup and can't get over his ex? If you do have a talk with him make sure it happens when you both are sober. There really seems to be too much drinking going on to actually gage his feelings.

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ASG honey

 

I think you need to take matters into your own hands and say to this guy. This is what I want from you and if I am not going to get that this is what will happen...

 

Leave him be for a bit and quit the texting etc and see how you feel about that.

 

There are always more fish and the pft feeling doesn't last long xxx

 

That is the plan. I was gonna talk to him on Thursday, which was the first time we got together since I posted this, but it wasn't right. He's away this week, but we should be getting together Saturday or Sunday, I think, and I fully intend on asking him where he sees this going.

 

And if he only wants a casual thing, I'll put myself out there again and pull away from the daily texting. Won't necessarily stop sleeping with him, though.

 

This guy seems to drink alot. Is it because he's struggling with his breakup and can't get over his ex? If you do have a talk with him make sure it happens when you both are sober. There really seems to be too much drinking going on to actually gage his feelings.

 

LOL no, his drinking has nothing to do with his breakup. And what for you is a lot... for me is actually not that much. I move in a culture of heavy drinking and in my professional field drinking is almost part of the job.

But I do agree that a conversation needs to happen while sober. Which is why it didn't happen last week.

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And if he only wants a casual thing, I'll put myself out there again and pull away from the daily texting. Won't necessarily stop sleeping with him, though..

 

Good on you for grabbing what you can when you can! :D

 

Just don't get hurt ;)

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Good on you for grabbing what you can when you can! :D

 

Just don't get hurt ;)

 

I'm quite good at guarding myself. So yeah, I'm not planning on getting hurt. Which is also why this needs to happen now (and it's already about a month too late in the grand scheme of things). The amount of contact we have is not what I am used to with FWBs and it makes things confusing.

 

I am obviously attached, to a degree, but still in a way that it won't be terrible if things don't pan out. But dragging this on like this indefinitely could have more dire consequences.

 

It'll be fine though! I'm fully prepared for it to stay casual and have plans to detach!

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LOL no, his drinking has nothing to do with his breakup. And what for you is a lot... for me is actually not that much. I move in a culture of heavy drinking and in my professional field drinking is almost part of the job.

But I do agree that a conversation needs to happen while sober. Which is why it didn't happen last week.

 

Getting drunk every night for me is way too much. Alcohol ages you fast.

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Getting drunk every night for me is way too much. Alcohol ages you fast.

 

There is drinking every night and getting drunk every night. We definitely don't get drunk every night and even the drinking part tends to not happen that often! :)

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I hope things turn out okay, but I do have to say: holy red flags, Batman!

 

You work together.

He's on the rebound.

*You're* on the rebound.

 

And then there's the fact that Johnny Walker has been on more than a few dates with you two, and may have been the matchmaker in the first place.

 

I really don't recommend intimate relationships with coworkers. It was bad enough when the guy I was with for five years and I split, and we worked for two different companies -- but both took care of the same client, so had to be on conference calls together more than once after we split.

 

We were civil and businesslike, but I definitely started using the excuse of "It's good training" to have the new people I was training make the calls over to his team to get an issue resolved instead of calling myself.

 

What was worse was that since we'd been together so long, everyone knew we'd been an item. His coworkers were still very friendly to me, and mine to him, but everyone knew there was tension. And one of his female coworkers ended up becoming *very* friendly with me, because he'd been talking about how he treated me at work (he cheated) and it pissed her off. ;) So it added tensions between him and his own coworkers, too.

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I appreciate the concern... but I honestly don't remember the last guy I dated that wasn't a co-worker... It has to be said, though, that I'm a freelancer. Also, with this guy, we've been working together (for the same company) for almost a year, but have actually only worked kinda together (meaning on the same day, at the same site, but usually in different places) a handful of times.

 

The rebound part is the tricky one... but we'll see what happens this weekend/next week.

 

As for the alcohol... it's really not that bad!

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So, the conversation has happened and it's definitely a case of FWB. Can't say I'm too surprised by it. He was rebounding the previous gr when he got on with the latest one and he's still messed up. Oh well... just need to move on and date other people now.

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