Had sex with very good guy friend. Twice. What now?

[Vicky876]

Hi there!

 

Well, in absolute disillusion: I've read some of the topics about this situation when you have sex with a friend. I don't know where to turn to, but I reckon you might be able to help me with this.

 

1,5 week ago I had sex with a dear guy friend of mine, who I know for 2,5 years now. When we met I was with my ex-boyfriend. They are in a band together. And he was dating a female friend of mine. He was quite upset when they broke-up and turned to me several times to talk about it (this was app. 8 months ago). We've become close, could talk about literally éverything. I never wanted to see him as more than a good friend and kinda dumped him in the friendzone. No expectations on that behalf; it was safe. Honestly, I díd secretly thought of a slight possibility we might someday get together, but never took it very seriously and did not want those thoughts to disturb a perfectly sound friendship. We had moments in which kissing was very tempting, but then I'd run off and say: 'no way, we're not going there.'

 

Now. Well. Untill that night. We had a night with friends, they all left and we were alone at my place. Slightly drunk. It was getting very late, so I told him I'd go to bed. No expectations. And then he kissed me. And we had very passionate sex. We decided to keep it secret, considering the bonds of him with the band and my friend. We met in the weekend and it was just as relaxed as before. Friendly, having fun, no weird tensions. Due to circumstances I had to sleep at his place - which I've done before, I'd lay beside him, no cuddling whatsoever -. I reckoned that he'd see our first night as a ONS and had no expectations, just said: 'night babe.' Then he started cuddling me and I was suprised, because of the 2nd time it happened. Why? Thing was, this time he avoided my kisses. He'd turn his head everytime.

 

I kept my cool so far. I even said: 'Right. Happened twice now, we won't talk about it.' Acted tougher than I am. We even met last week and talked and talked about everything, just like before (avoiding the sex-topic), but nothing happened now.

 

Now I just can.not.stop.thinking. I can't talk to my friends about this, because one of them is his ex. In that sense, it's wrong and disloyal (unless it réally means something). I don't know if I should talk to him about it or that I'll just make it more complex.

 

In summary;

- Yes, I like him very much and if I'd let myself go could fall hopelessly in love - trying to keep sanity here -.

- Is there any possibility that he likes me, more than I think he does? What's with the not kissing? It could either be he doesn't want to commit or, ****hell, my breath was like a dead rat, I don't know.

- If it was plainly a 'score' for him, why twice?

- Should I or should I not tell him I'm confused about it?

- And, yes, I'm horribly scared of rejection, coming across as desperate or 'difficult' or losing a dear friend. I'm afraid he'd say something like: 'Did you really think I could fall in love with you!?'

 

Really hope you can help me out.

[Popsicle]

I think you have the wrong definition of what the friendzone is. When someone is in the friendzone, you have no physical/sexual attraction to them whatsoever and there is no possibility of sex. It would have never happened if he was truly in the friendzone.

 

Anyways, I don't have much in the way of help for you. This guy does not want to hurt his friend and ruin his band. And, yes, it would really hurt his friend. It does not matter what he feels for you.

[preraph]

You need to talk to him. And I think at this point, you've told him what you think he wants to hear instead of being honest. You assume he doesn't want any relationship and so you're telling him you'll pretend it didn't happen. So you're sending very confusing info to him and not being honest. I think you should both sit down sober and maybe over lunch or coffee out somewhere and talk openly about it. Just tell him, Look, I really like you. We've gotten ourselves into a complicated situation. Do you see this as a secret fling, or do you think it could turn into more and we'd have to come public about it?

 

I don't know if his band plays in public or is just a garage band, but please realize that if they're playing in public, chances are they're all attracting women. He may even know of instances where your ex was playing around with other women or even his woman and have no qualms about it. I used to date band guys, and timing was everything, because yes it could get very political, but generally if someone doesn't want you near their bandmate, the whole band will form a ring to prevent it and you can just tell. If there's no barrier, there may not be any boundaries much. But you need to stop assuming you know what he's thinking and be honest and ask him if there's a plan behind any of this. If not, then keep it quiet. If yes, let him handle that end of it.

[Vicky876]

Thanks so much for your replies. What an insight. I'm trying to control it by overthinking the situation, taking into consideration every possible scenario. And, yes, also thinking I know what he's thinking, which is just silly.

 

And 'friendzone', yea.... I might have gotten that wrong indeed. I have a tendency to control (gut)feelings with my mind/thinking/ratio.

 

The guy is all into the music and plays bass in a public band. He sacrifices everything to become big in the music-industry.

 

My ex is a superb lead-guitarist in the band, but has autism/asperger-syndrom. Quite a tough relationship of 2 years and he had a girlfriend within 3 weeks after we broke up. I was devastated at first about it. I've accepted the situation now. Nonetheless I would quite honestly laugh my ass off if he's hurt by the fact I would date his bandmate. Can't imagine that really, because of what happened. I realise, again, that I even think I know what my ex would be thinking. Could slap my head with a newspaper, right now.

 

I feel a bit used now actually. Then again, I let him. I definitely should talk to him, but that'll put me in a quite vulnerable position.

 

Again, thanks.

[Omei]

Stop now

 

Have a serious conversation where this is going if you dont have feelings and the possibility of a relationship with this guy you're going to lose him as a friend if it continues.

 

If he wont be more than sex with you stop the sex and try to salvage your friendship

[CC12]

I feel a bit used now actually.

 

Why would you feel used? I guess the no-kissing thing was kind of weird, but there could have been a good reason for that. Maybe he thought his breath stank or something.

 

I definitely should talk to him, but that'll put me in a quite vulnerable position.

 

What would that vulnerable position be, exactly? I don't get this, honestly, so please feel free to answer. Like, what's the harm in saying to him, "Okay, so, the the other night(s?) when we fooled around, was that just a physical thing, or is there something else there?" You guys are friends, right? It shouldn't be so hard to ask about this and find out where you two stand after being intimate. If he says that it was just physical thing, would that be so bad? I wouldn't think so. At least you'd know where you stand.

[Vicky876]

Hi there! I know. Had the craziest assumptions. My 'feeling used' was from, well, the not kissing part, to me it felt as if he dissociated from me at that point. It also felt kinda weird, because of the friendship, if it was plainly platonic sex he went for, he could 've basically gone for any type of girl.

 

The 'vulnerable position'; you know, showing him that I do feel confused about it, assúming it's the opposite he wants to hear. Confessing that I am affected by it and actually considering a possible relationship. It's like: 'Hi there! Not to disturb you or anything, but if we have sex I think of having your babies.' Not a good idea.

 

Anyway, the follow up. I talked with him today. I got over my threshold, swallowing my pride - and insecurity - and asked if he had time for coffee this afternoon. I went to his place and we talked, as usual and casually, after nearly two hours I finally got it out: 'I really need to discuss this. Don't want to make any drama of it, but just to be clear.' I told him that it confused me and my head was turning faster than a tornado with thoughts and that I haven't been honest, to him and to myself about it, making assumptions and filling in what he would be thinking.

 

I said that I find it difficult to find myself, with someone I so dearly and utterly trust, in a situation where I suddenly feel very vulnerable. I stated that casual sex is not such a big deal if there are no heart-felt bonds, but in this case there are; that I really like to be around him and enjoy his company. The sex opened some sort of whole new layer to this ('hey, we get along, we laugh, talk about all sorts, you're attractive, you think I am, so.. Right. Yolo? Should we give this a shot?).

 

I told him that. He confirmed my assumptions that it was just sex. We also agreed that our 'behaviour' was in no condition justifiable to our friends and acquaintances unless it would actually mean something (to clarify: we live in a city that you would call an ant-hill).

 

We even visualized us having a relationship and laughed about it. We could either make or break each other. We are both very complex thinkers. Anyway, even when he asked: 'What made you so confused, that I would get feelings for you or-?' and I replied 'Hell no, that I would feel more for you than good for us.' I SAID IT. Didn't mention the babies - how wise of me - but I said it.

 

Anyway, don't know why I'm telling you all this. I'm just, really, you can't imagine how relieved I am at this point. Smile on my face. It's all good.

 

To clarify: I'm a girl, a realist, making everything véry rational, and very silently a hopeless romantic. Don't like to talk about feelings/emotions: I find them very questionable, that's why they confuse me so much. Nevertheless I believe in true love, solid trust and equivalence in relationships.

 

Am I in love with him? Do I feel rejected? I feel ever the more appreciated and valued. In love? No, but I love him very sincerely, whatever happens.

 

Thank you all véry, véry, enormously much! Can't express is properly on this forum, but know I am.

[Omei]

So he's been clear its just sex, so hes not spiraling with thoughts like you are.

 

I suggest you no longer have sex with this guy and salvage your friendship if you're going to turn it into a fwb expect the former friendship to dissipate and you will be lowered to a booty call and when the fwb ends you're friendship wont be there to return too.

 

Decide carefully as hes been clear that its "just sex" its not going to turn into love for him