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Complicated Friendship


bungalowbob

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This may be a long post, and a pretty complicated one. Please bear with me.

 

I'm a 51-year-old man, been divorced for four years after married for 25. Last year at church I met a woman (now 44) who's the sister of our one volunteers. We struck up a friendship and I was attracted to her, but after a month she leaves in with a guy in another town. The woman is in recovery from prescription drug abuse and spent a few months in prison.

 

At the first of this year, I look on a Christian dating site, and I see the woman's profile. A few days later I see her again at church with her sister and we lock eyes and embrace. She said my face lit up when I saw her. By the end of the week, we had connected with each other, been out of on a date and expressed how much we had feelings for each other when we met the year before.

 

Not longer after that, following a date, she said wanted to scale back to us being friends. She didn't want to rush into a relationship just yet, and I understood. I didn't want to her to feel pushed into a relationship, but we expressed how much we had feelings for each other.

 

Turns out, she was seeing a couple more guys and going out on dates with them. She even canceled a date with me because she was going to a recovery meeting (she later told me she went with one of those other guys). We continued to stay in touch, even sit next to each other at church, and start a Bible study of Proverbs. She began opening up to me about issues in her life and how the Bible studies and getting involved in church was helping her straight out her life. She is trying to rebuild the trust she lost with her own parents, sister and children. She confessed to numerous affairs during her marriage.

 

We have done the Bible studies and daily communication for about three weeks, and I give her encouragement, support and show her unconditional love. I have for her in that someday we can find romance. She appears to be honest with me in everything - confessing that she recently slept with a guy to numb the pain of pressure she was feeling from her family. this past weekend, she said she now has a boyfriend - a guy she knew before she married her husband (she was married 24 years before she walked out on the marriage). He's a truck driver, and they haven't seen each other is almost seven years. He is a guy from her past, her first true love. They reconnected on Facebook, and I believe he is finally coming off the road next weekend to visit her and attend church with her (he lives in a neighboring state).

 

Another complication: I asked out her sister two years ago, but she politely refused saying she wanted to focus on being a single mom to her daughter. That's fine, I respect her for that. But when she found out her sister had become attached to me, it brought back some resentful feelings between the sisters.

 

I really like and respect the woman I'm involved with in a friendship. I feel closer to her and have opened up to her more than any woman I've dated; we have more in common than I did with my wife. I see her every other day and we call/text every day. Each day we read from Proverbs, spend hours on the phone about our lives and pray for each other.

 

I'm trying to be a nice guy about this. I encourage her and we have great conversations. She knows she must work on her issues and wants to change her life. I believe in her. Still, I feel like I'm a set-up guy, someone who can keep her occupied and entertained until the time comes when she dashes off to the boyfriend. Another side of me says she's still interested in me.

 

I will be patient may wait to see how her time with the truck driver - she wants to bring him to the church services we attend - before deciding if I should end the friendship, continue with it or slowly back away from her.

 

What do you think?

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If you're okay with being just friends with her, then continue the friendship.

 

But it seems like you're not really okay with that, and that what you actually want is to be in a romantic relationship with her. If that's the case, you're not truly her friend, you're a man who hangs around her waiting for her to be available to you. I don't mean to make you out to be some sleazeball lurking in the shadows for her, but you have to admit that it's not a true, pure friendship since you want more from her.

 

And I can't really blame you for continuing the "friendship" since she gave you the impression (intentional or not) that she wasn't ready for a relationship with you yet. But honestly, if she was interested in dating you now or in the future, she would not be openly dating other guys in front of you, and she especially wouldn't get a new boyfriend. She's just not interested. Sorry.

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Thank you! What you wrote answered my doubts. I had to take off the blinders of denial and see it for myself. I think I was at the point of being obsessed with her, and I do struggle with OCD. I'll might scale back the number of texts and phone calls to her and times we go out for a bite, but I won't end our closeness. I will honor a commitment I made to her to take her to a concert. I can see myself now as an older brother-figure. She has a half-brother in another state whom she barely knows; I'd rather be a trusted brother figure to her than some wishy-washy guy who's worried if she has feelings for me. Again, CC12, thank you.

Edited by bungalowbob
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CrystalShine2011

The friendship sounds positive, but it doesn't sound like the right time to start a relationship with you, let alone any guy? From what you wrote, it seems like more healing needs to take place before she jumps in. She's lucky to have you as a friend!

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