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Feelings for someone after deciding to stay single


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Hi, guys - this is kind of half-asking for advice and half-getting something off my chest.

 

I'm in my mid-twenties and I've been single for coming up to 3 years. I've found that for the past 8 months or so I've gone from wanting to get back into dating, to really just wanting to stay single. I had a couple of dates through online dating that didn't really go anywhere and just thought it all seemed a bit more trouble than it's worth. It felt like I'd "tried" every tactic under the sun. So I decided to stop looking and throw myself into other things. Naturally, that was when I happened to find someone I was really genuinely interested in.

 

I started a new job about half a year ago (fixed contract, casual work environment) and met him. He's in his early 30s and leaving the company soon, as the nature of our job is that we stay there for a couple of years and then move on to other things - it's generally a student job. I didn't like him at first but as he started helping me out a bunch and we spent more time together, I became attracted to him both physically and in terms of his great personality. I'm struggling to get a read on him though. He gave me his mobile number a few weeks ago (for something to do with work, but the reasoning was a bit tenuous, as I had his personal email address already); we regularly go to lunch/coffee alone when none of our coworkers can go. Sometimes he seems really eager to please me and do things like dropping references to my favourite TV show; we'll regularly get into random debates related to our area of work that will last quite a while. He's told my boss before about observations I've made to him or times I've helped him out with something and done a good job.

 

Other times when we go to coffee he seems to be kind of stuck for what to say to me - I have plenty I'd like to say to him, but I'm constantly scared that if I get too personal (what music he likes, what he does in his spare time etc), it will become more date-like and he'll realise that I'm interested. I mentioned I was going to see a horror film on my own the other week, and he mentioned something off-hand about how he'd never been to that cinema before but apparently it was a good one. I panicked that he thought I was asking him out by mentioning that I was going alone (not my intention as tickets for the showing had sold out weeks beforehand) and shut the conversation down. I'm simply too nervous of making a fool of myself, in case he isn't interested.

 

Very recently he's been cycling quite rapidly between his usual extremely friendly self and being distant. I can't decide if it's because he's twigged I like him and is trying to let me down gently, or he is interested and is weirded out by the situation. I've been working hard not to appear interested, so I've been trying to distance myself too. I have caught him staring at my thighs and seemingly checking me out on multiple occasions, so I think there's some physical attraction there at least.

 

So yeah, I get the sense that if we're going out at lunch on our own regularly and he's not asked me to do something after work by now, either he simply isn't interested, or he is but doesn't want to risk coming across like a sleazebag, given the age difference and working together (my contract doesn't say anything about a ban on dating coworkers, but obviously there are issues). I know through times he has opened up/common knowledge that he's single. Any thoughts? Or help on how to forget about this given that I see him every day?

Edited by porridge123
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Yeah, I'm considering asking if he wants to join me the next time I go to the cinema for one of those special showings (it's a monthly film club thing I attend). Haven't quite decided if I'm going to do it, and if I do, whether to just ask him casually or to make something up about happening to have a spare ticket.

 

I'm no stranger to asking guys out, as it used to be a risk I got a bit of a thrill out of taking. But it never used to go over very well and then I'd always feel like a freak/really bad for the guy.

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He's probably interested but you might have to make the first move because every man has to really worry about sexual harassment type stuff in the workplace. Ask him more personal questions next time, what he does for fun on the weekends, etc. Just be sure to think through how it will feel if it falls through and you still have to work with him, whether you can both handle that or not, because it can make going to work unpleasant.

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