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Disastrous night with a " friend "


Dear Lady Disdain

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Dear Lady Disdain

Hi there, guess I'm just posting because I'm upset and beating myself up about this...not sure whether I should be though really and I'm looking for some clarity

 

I've had a male friend whom I met in a support group we are in and I have known him for a year. The first time we went for a drink together, three of us were meant to go and the other person went home and we stayed and got on very well. We then went out again for another drink ( he asked me out ) and that seemed to go well too but then he was huffy the next time I saw him and acted angry for no reason, guess I should have really ended the friendship then

 

We didn't speak for five weeks then he reappeared, after going for coffee after the group, him saving me a seat, chatting with me, lots of eye contact, late night phone calls he asked me out again and it went well, we had a lovely time

 

He is frosty again afterwards inexplicably and kept me at arms length, but initiating texts and late night calls to which I responded because I liked him

 

Anyway I began to feel more and more hurt by his actions, he would break promises, ignore me and when I backed off he'd text with sympathy texts saying how worthless he felt and he would tell me about other women whom he liked

 

Then I back off and say I need to practice being friends with men in a conversation, he wishes me a happy Christmas, I wish him one back, he's nice next time we meet, says he'd like to go ice skating and stuff. He asks me to join him at an event which I was delighted about and then it all went Horribly Wrong!!

 

He said he would arrange with me beforehand however I was used to him not bothering to confirm in the past ( I had to do it ) and I saw him the night before so I said I would just see him there. I got there a bit late because the trains were messed up and I didn't realise, he had got there early, there was no time to chat. Afterwards we chatted a bit, it was okay and he said we could grab a coffee afterwards...

 

What happened was I said let's go to the bar we went to the last time. When we got in he ordered a coffee. I was then quite upset because the last three times we went out he got me a drink and offered to buy them but he didn't make any moves to and I asked for a red wine and for some reason, I felt embarrassed ( somehow it made me feel worthless as if I was no longer worth buying a drink for ) and I gave him a fiver and said would he pay?

 

So then we sit down and maybe this was out of line, I don't know but I asked if he had been diagnosed with anything when he was in the hospital if he didn't mind sharing, perhaps I shouldn't have, but he did share it with me and that was okay...anyway we've barely sat down, he finishes his coffee and says he wants to make a move

 

Bear in mind we have known each other one year now and we hadn't seen each other for ages before that evening and barely spoken...I also told him about some issues I was having with a younger man at work who was in a huff because I would no longer have lunch with him and I guess spoke about it quite a bit, I don't know if that offended him

 

So I said to him it appeared that he didn't like me much...he said he did like me or he wouldn't invite me to these events. Then he added " but we're both in recovery "...

 

It was then he said something really nasty which hurt me. He said he didn't want to stay when the conversation wasn't flowing and he had a picture in his head of how the conversation wanted to be, he was comparing it and I wasn't living up to the picture :( So I then said to him " that's a really horrible thing to say " and he said " I'm not here to take care of your feelings " and took out his mobile phone, checked it and put it on the table in front of him. All the while with a grin on his face...

 

He then said he was uncomfortable because he was drinking coffee and I was drinking alcohol...

 

I started to then act out ( luckily only briefly ) and mentioned I was being stalked and had been the last seven years ( which is true ) but at some level I was trying to obtain his sympathy and manipulate him into being nicer, but then I said it really wasn't that bad

 

He again reiterated he wanted to make a move and I said " suit yourself ", to which he replied " yes I should suit myself! " so I said well you have to think of other people sometimes to which he said..." true "

 

Then he says he has to leave again by which time I'm thinking ******* and I said " can I just finish my drink?!" and we go, he was just laughing while all this happened

 

Well I was quiet all the way to the station, being upset as nobody has ever acted this way before with me for no reason and he starts talking then and when we get there he says " good to see you " and I said " I hope so..." ( shouldn't have done really, seems pathetic ) and he says do you want a hug, so he hugs me and then I say have a good weekend and leave...

 

Now I am just quite shocked about this, this is somebody I have known for a year and whenever he had problems I was always really nice to him, I tried to always be nice because I liked him...the other times we went out the conversation was good and we got on really well, there was a spark

 

Just thinking of cutting off all contact, I'm upset about it but I can't stop thinking though his behaviour was incredibly rude perhaps it was my fault because I was talking loads about the man at work whom I had lunch with and I mentioned the stalking incident...I don't know whether he was jealous or annoyed, but he never acted interested and talked about other women in front of me...

 

If anyone could be bothered to read all of this, some perspective would be great...I'm confused, thanks XXX

Edited by Dear Lady Disdain
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He sounds really messed up in the head. And he's a punishing type person. Please don't try to make sense of everything. He's doing some acting out because of something going on in his head, kind of like what he said about that conversation. That's in his head. Someone nice with mental problems is one thing. Someone punitive is quite another. Do yourself a favor and move on. Now is a good time as he wanted you to believe he had another woman on the line.

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Dear Lady Disdain

Thanks Preraph, that helped...I thought at first it was due to something I had done but starting to see that it probably wasn't

I don't want any contact with him, except perhaps if he apologises and even then I'm not sure and I can't see him apologising anyway, in a way it's good I guess, I was obsessed with him for months and everybody told me not to bother, but this one night has put me off him

 

Thanks again X

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Sounds to me like he has serious trust issues and is acting this way in self-defence...or in your case, pre-emptive self defence, since you've done nothing to hurt him but he seems to be guarding himself against any possibility.

 

Either way, it has nothing to do with you and you certainly have no need to take his hurtful comments, so I'd do exactly what you think you should be doing and leave him to it.

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Dear Lady Disdain

Thank you Absinthe, I am leaving him alone because I don't know what else to do and frankly I don't feel like getting in touch

For a year I longed for him to contact me, but that's all gone out the window now, I'd be pleased actually if he did explain / apologise but if not I don't really want to know him

Yes he does have serious trust issues and he has said once before that when he really likes somebody he acts as if he hates them which is some consolation to me!

 

It still really hurt and upset me though and it's only after a few days I realise how upset I am about it and how hurt...oh well I guess I'm being strong in doing nothing

 

Thanks! :-) X

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Thanks Preraph, that helped...I thought at first it was due to something I had done but starting to see that it probably wasn't

I don't want any contact with him, except perhaps if he apologises and even then I'm not sure and I can't see him apologising anyway, in a way it's good I guess, I was obsessed with him for months and everybody told me not to bother, but this one night has put me off him

 

Thanks again X

 

Apologies are nice, but always remember that even the worst abusers apologize and just keep doing what they're doing.

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Write him a letter telling him yours doubts and afflictions, in the hope that he'll respond in the same way. Many people express best by writing, because it has thus more time to elavorate his thoughts. Maybe so you know what really happens to him.



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Dear Lady Disdain

Hi Sureno, thanks for your reply but I think right now I'd be too nervous about writing that letter! I'm not even sure I want the contact right now actually but I may consider writing an email in the future

Unsure yet but this is something to think about thank you :-)

 

Hi Preraph, yes you're right, even if he did say sorry, not sure if I want to continue with this, this was the second time he acted horrible for no reason around me, thanks

 

X

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