Me Lines (if any)

[normal person]

Title should be "Help Me Read Between the Lines (if any)" - Mods if you could change that, I'd appreciate it.

 

Apologies for the length. Normally I'm one to give advice and not take it, but it's with a heavy heart I need some outside perspectives on this as it's a new one for me:

 

In May I was at a bar with a big group of my friends. Two girls come up to me and one of them sheepishly asks me if I'll be her best friend (it was playful). She was cute so of course I obliged but she clarified that she had a boyfriend (long distance) but that it's nice to meet new people. So I had been drinking a lot and we went to another bar and talked and when we parted, I got split a cab with her friend she was with and that girl pretty much threw herself at me so I once again obliged and went home with her (I don't think this is relevant but maybe it shapes her perception of me? Not sure).

 

So I get in touch with my "best friend" a few days later to compare notes and we just kind of laugh about the other girl. So this "best friend" and I start hanging out a lot completely platonically. We get along really well, have a lot of fun, etc. In July her long distance boyfriend of 2 years (who she wanted to marry) tells her that he's being sent to the furthest corner of the Earth (he's in the military). She breaks up with him because he doesn't want to get married. She's understandably upset. She's upset for a little and says she tried to call him 20 times telling him she'd move to where he's going but he doesn't budge.

 

I try and maintain some distance because now I don't have a convenient safety net of "the boyfriend" to excuse why two people who hang out all the time and love each others' company shouldn't be together. There is incredible tension between us and everyone can tell. I keep trying to maintain some distance but eventually the dam breaks and we kiss, maybe 3-4 weeks after her break up. Then things start happening fast. I knew it was bad but I liked it too much to stop. We started hooking up a little more, and she was insistent that I continue to see other people. So I did and she said she felt scared/rejected, so I stopped.

 

She had become my friend and she had entered this situation like a sad puppy that I just didn't want to hurt anymore. So things go really well until she says she's ready to sleep with me. About 10-15 minutes in she starts crying and says it feels like she's cheating on someone, so we stop. We talk about it and then 10 minutes later she insists that she's ready to have sex again, but I say no this time. The next few weeks she tries to get her bearings. She says she can't sleep over anymore (just kissing) and then the next night she texts me and says she wants to sleep over. Hot and cold. I don't really know how to respond to it all so I just let her do whatever she's comfortable with. Knowing that she's vulnerable I'm not going to be an ass about it, I treat her nice. She eventually starts complaining that I'm too nice to her. I don't really know how to be an ass to my friend at her lowest moment, so I stick with it. She stays hot and cold.

 

A week or two later I text her and see if she wants to come over. She tells me she's spent the last few nights crying over her ex boyfriend. I'm really torn up about it and I don't talk to her for a few days. She texts me saying he came to see her and she got her closure that she needed, she's not in a relationship and she's not moving. But that we moved too fast and that she was confused, it was pretty ambiguous. I swallow that pill but the next day I have hard time dealing with it myself and I freak her out. We don't talk for three weeks. She texts me saying "so, I'm at the bar we met at" so naturally I go. She wants to pretend nothing happened and that everything's cool. She sort of avoids me. I start talking to her alone and not too long after that she just gets up and abruptly leaves the bar with her friend and I chasing after her. She texts me later saying "Sorry, I got overwhelmed." I try to get clarification but she doesn't want to talk about it.

 

Last week she invites me out with some of her friends. She wants to wear my jacket, puts her head on my shoulder briefly, says we should all take a vacation. When the friends leave, I ask her what was going on with being "overwhelmed" last time. I don't remember the specifics but we had a drunken argument on the street that involved her walking 20 paces ahead of me, discretely looking back to see if I was still chasing after her, then continuing. She got on her subway track and I figured that was it, I went on mine heading the opposite direction. A few minutes later, someone punches me in the back and I turn to see her there, she had been crying. We argue some more. Both totally drunk, don't remember much. She calls me the next day and we bury the hatchet. She texts me a few nights later saying she wants to go skating and knit scarves and stuff.

 

I see her last night for a few drinks and she tells me she wasn't lying when she told me she liked me all those weeks back, but she is in love with the ex boyfriend and she's not attracted to me like that.

 

I look her dead in the eyes and say "Look, this (I point to each of us) isn't nothing. You know what I mean?" She wonders if I mean "just friends" and I say "Not just that, you know what I mean" because we really do have an undeniably strong connection. She says "comprende" or something else non-committal and we don't talk about it anymore because it's uncomfortable. We talk more and she says she'd take a vacation with just her and me (she knows I make a lot of money and it's pretty much implied that I'd be paying for it -- she's by no means a gold digger, though) as we had been talking about one the last time.

 

I know she's confused and all, but does any of this sound like she still might have the slightest inkling of a feeling for me under the surface that she just doesn't want to admit yet? I can't help but think that's the case but I common sense suggests it's just wishful thinking. I can't take her to the Bahamas as some chump. I know she's hurt and in love with someone else right now, but I won her over before and she still wants me around now. I need her to acknowledge that there's something going on underneath the surface with us before I take her on vacation, even as friends for now. Because I think/hope there is but she just can't admit it yet.

 

We always act hastily and we can't talk about the situation unless we're drinking. If we were just friends wouldn't it be easier for her?

Edited October 20, 2014 by normal person

[WilliamMuse]

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[GoBlue]

A relationship involves two willing people. Pushing to receive some kind of confession of how she "truly feels" is crossing boundary lines. Honoring her words and honoring her request is to honor her choice.

[Dadittude]

The very first thing to keep in mind is, she is still grieving the loss of a relationship. This wasn't a guy she hooked up with once or twice at the bar. This is someone that she was deeply invested in emotionally. She is processing more than you can possibly understand, right now. She isn't fully available to you, and she is very vulnerable. You would be a better person, especially if you really care about her, to just be a friend and help her heal. Be a supportive shoulder to lean on and someone to validate her. Let her get her bearings. It is going to take some time Then, see where you stand romantically. What you're toying with here, is a recipe for disaster......might not be the input you were hoping for, but that's my take on it.