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Guy I have history with stood me up


FaithInTheDark

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FaithInTheDark

I have a friend that I have a lot of history with.

We have been intimate several times and I always had a lot of feelings for him. He knew this but just wanted to be friends.

He would play a lot if games with me and string me along. For some reason I convinced myself it was ok , I would always get my hopes up and get attached again. Then feel extremely rejected.

He was a good friend in ways ( I believe he has a good heart) and he has a lot of mental struggles too. He moved away for a long time but would message me saying how beautiful I am etc.

he took me out for drinks this month and caught up on things. I noticed how he deals with a lot if internal struggles and it made me realize how he's more screwed up then most so maybe he could barely deal with himself let alone considering my feelings. Even though that's not enough for me.

Well, he messages me and arranges a time to have lunch and drinks.

Honestly, I was so excited so see him, even though I needed to listen to my brain.

I got up early, did my make up and hair. I didn't hear from him so decided to just call. He told me he got up early And left town. He didn't even brother to tell me.

I brushed it off on the phone and said it was no big deal.

I felt so incredibly stupid, hurt and my heart sank.

The make up I put on ran down my face and I felt like a 13 year old girl again.

I decided to text him to let him know how this really hurt my feelings and to realize what he does affects people.

He's called for two days and left voicemails to call him. I haven't answered and feel there's nothing to say. Plus, I don't know how well I'd handle myself on the phone.

Do you think I should call him to talk or just let it go and cut him out forever?

Any thoughts?

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Hi FaithInTheDark,

 

You illustrated a lot of red flags right away:

 

We have been intimate several times and I always had a lot of feelings for him. He knew this but just wanted to be friends.
He would play a lot of games with me and string me along. For some reason I convinced myself it was ok.
I would always get my hopes up and get attached again. Then feel extremely rejected.
... he has a lot of mental struggles too.
... he deals with a lot of internal struggles and it made me realize how he's more screwed up then most so maybe he could barely deal with himself let alone considering my feelings.

 

Even the closest of friends and lovers make mistakes; we are not perfect. However, these unhealthy characteristics are not mere anomalies, but long-standing patterns. Plus, internal issues, when unaddressed, affect how one deals with people in general; most likely, you are not the only person who has been through these kind of experiences with him, nor would you be the last.

Friend-zoning is common, but this has progressed beyond a merely one-sided relationship, into codependency. My mother and I have both been in multiple such co-dependent relationships.

 

My strategy for dealing with people like what you've described is No Contact.

The idea is that your life and your time are precious; no need to have them squandered on people who won't afford you the consideration and respect conducive to healthy relationships.

 

Do you have other close friends you can confide in (which are not actually codependent relationships)?

 

No Contact is never easy, but by taking the time to love yourself and surround yourself with authentic friends, you'll heal. What you've illustrated about this "friend" comprises numerous lessons about how not to be. Take the opposite of the unhealthy characteristics you've described, and you have solid guidelines for what makes a true friend.

 

However, this is ultimately your decision; hopefully I've been able to help. :)

Edited by sunrise24
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You have to accept your part in this or nothing will ever change. He's used to you letting him do whatever and still putting up with him and acting like it doesn't bother you because you're afraid of losing him. You haven't set any boundaries or standards with this guy, and so a guy who isn't on good behavior when with you is what you are now getting.

 

Not sure what will happen now, but it was the right thing to do to tell him how it really did bother you and inconvenience you. He should know he wasted a bunch of your time and hurt your feelings. Maybe he'll at least treat you a little better if you expect better treatment out of him. Not saying he'll fall for you since he's nixed that.

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todreaminblue

I understand he has hurt you badly, from what you are saying he is really struggling internally , for that reason, i think you need to step back,because you are right he isnt going to consider your feelings, you said that he has a good heart, keep that in mind,doesn't mean he gets to step all over you, my belief is you never give up on people, doesn't mean chasing them though, be there for him when he contacts you again,but, dont live your life waiting for him to change ......

 

 

you may be in for a long wait , so be with friends and family who are reliable, who do consider your feelings,who you can have fun with, do something you have always dreamt of doing, good times , new beginnings..... and accept as another poster said, we all make mistakes,as he has with you....

 

 

i just have a hard time with this no contact thing, i dont feel you should contact him, but dont give up on him he probably needs a good friend when he does contact you.....be that friend..dont get excited because he does contact you, that he has changed, because he probably hasnt....

 

 

just be there, see where it goes and live your life to the fullest ...your happiness doesnt have to depend on him.............good luck...deb

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FaithInTheDark

Thanks for your feedback. I'm happy I let him know how he hurt me and wasted my time. I did this so he could learn what he did was wrong. It feels like he's reaching out with his phone calls to talk it out. Do you think me ignoring the calls defeats the lesson he may be trying to work out With me?

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FaithInTheDark:

There are important lessons you can take with you regardless of whether or not you stay in contact with him.

 

You have to accept your part in this or nothing will ever change.

He's used to you letting him do whatever and still putting up with him and acting like it doesn't bother you because you're afraid of losing him.

You haven't set any boundaries or standards with this guy, and so a guy who isn't on good behavior when with you is what you are now getting.

 

...it was the right thing to do to tell him how it really did bother you and inconvenience you. He should know he wasted a bunch of your time and hurt your feelings.

... I think you need to step back, because you are right; he isn't going to consider your feelings...

 

... don't live your life waiting for him to change...

 

... be with friends and family who are reliable, who do consider your feelings, who you can have fun with, do something you have always dreamt of doing, good times, new beginnings...

 

...don't get excited because he does contact you, that he has changed, because he probably hasn't...

 

...your happiness doesn't have to depend on him...

I strongly agree with all of the above.

 

Considering the history, should you decide to respond to his "reaching out," it will be important to stay on your guard, making your boundaries clear and enforcing them.

My experience with codependent relationship dynamics is that they don't change; it's up to you to change yourself, and there's no guarantee that he will change accordingly.

 

I had a friendship which lasted over 7 years, which you can read about if you'd like; when I decided to break the cycle of being used, by setting firmer boundaries, he responded by refusing to acknowledge them. I ended that "friendship" via No Contact over 5 months ago.

 

Whichever fork in the path you decide on, it's important that you stay strong and focused on changing yourself.

Edited by sunrise24
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Cut him out forever. Your time is too precious.

 

This is an opportunity for you to be happy and exercise compassion for yourself and him. Realize you were each in a bad situation through no fault of your own, there is nothing you can do about the past, there is nothing you can do to fix him, and you can prevent this from happening again by going no contact and eating a nice pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy ice cream.

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