A friend with NO benefits

[FoolishMan]

My background is that I have feelings for a friend who is not reciprocating. She knows how I feel about her as I have told her. A month ago, I posted about my situation - she met someone else and went on holiday with him hoping it will lead to more but as far as I know, it went badly. When she went away, I swore blind to myself that I will distance myself from her on her return.

 

She has been back for weeks and basically I have failed miserably in my aim! I am not really initiating any conversations but she has been and I have done nothing to discourage her. In fact, this week, she has called me almost daily whilst at work whenever she has a break - Something she never really used to do. On one occasion, she said she needed to go but will call me in the evening. I chuckled and said, don't worry (as She would say she will do something but seldom does it). I turned my phone on silent and went to sleep. In the morning, there was a text message from her saying she kept her promise!!

 

I am really stuck - I want to walk away but my feelings won't allow me too. I am a person that tends to let by gones be by gones. Therefore, I feel I cannot say I want a break from her based on what she did a month ago. However, I feel that I am haunted by the feeling of being hurt as she opted for someone else over me when she knew how I felt but yet tries desperately to keep me on side. Have I become a friend with NO benefits?? Trapped to rot in the Friend zone forever?

 

Thanks for reading, needed to express myself to someone ...

[Tbisb74]

You haven't BECOME a friend with no benefits - you always have been.

She has never made overtures towards you, and never made any assurance, promises or otherwise. She has carried on as if nothing has happened, and to be totally honest with you, there's no reason why she should do otherwise. You and you alone are fabricating the scenario in your mind....You have 2 choices: Either carry on seeing her, as a simple friend, and work through your own emotional commitment yourself, because it IS one sided, and will come to nothing, OR: stop seeing her completely, explain to her why you cannot bring yourself to see her, and go No contact. Those are your choices, and your only choices, because you can never change anyone else's mind, when they have already made it up.

[FoolishMan]

Tbisb74 - Thanks for throwing the proverbial glass of water in my face and spelling it out - you are right! I am being foolish! I was dealing with it but now I am going backwards

 

Is it me or do women tend to friendzone men rather than vice-versa?

 

A few years ago, someone I knew was coming on to me. She tried damn hard as well but I just stopped her in her tracks. I made it damn clear that I did not think of her romantically at all. She kept on for a bit more then stopped. Just thought it was the right thing to do.

 

If this friend of mine told me my feelings were inappropriate and to come back when I sorted my head out, it will help me massively.

[Tbisb74]

Tbisb74 - Thanks for throwing the proverbial glass of water in my face and spelling it out - you are right! I am being foolish! I was dealing with it but now I am going backwards

 

Is it me or do women tend to friendzone men rather than vice-versa?

Let me just say what I have found in my own experience: Women are far more capable of having friendships with men, and no-strings-attached, than men are with women, because I firmly believe, personally, that a woman can view a man completely non-sexually, while a man finds it difficult to view a woman, non-sexually. Some can, but the majority have a 'hidden' agenda. Most times, it remains hidden, and can dissipate and eventually disappear. You, sadly (it seems) are feeding yours by the bucket-load.

This is why women enjoy the friendships of gay men. A man-friend, no threat, and honest-to-goodness friendship. Best of both worlds.

 

A few years ago, someone I knew was coming on to me. She tried damn hard as well but I just stopped her in her tracks. I made it damn clear that I did not think of her romantically at all. She kept on for a bit more then stopped. Just thought it was the right thing to do.

Yes, but there you go, you see? For you, it either meant having a sexual relationship with her, or nothing. There was no scope in your mind for a possible platonic relationship. So you pushed her away without exploring the possibility of just cultivating a friendship. Which she might have been able to do. (I dunno....) You had the impression that it either had to be sex, or nothing.

 

If this friend of mine told me my feelings were inappropriate and to come back when I sorted my head out, it will help me massively.

No, because she is perfectly happy with you being buddies. Did she ever give you any hope? Has she actually said to you that she simply doesn't see you in that way? She's hoping that, as she has dated others, and not made any moves towards you, then you should have got the message loud and clear. And in fact, it's not up to her to rebuff you and push you away. You know that she doesn't feel that way about you. That is ample, in fact, isn't it?

it's just you persisting. Simply because she hasn't said "Cool it buddy, no luck here!" doesn't mean she actually even needs to, does it? Because you already KNOW that's the case....

Edited July 26, 2014 by Tbisb74

[Yamaha]

She is getting what she wants out of the relationship.

Are you?

If not, who has the responsibility of changing their situation?

You do!

If you stay there and waste your time on hope then you bare the consequences of your actions. It is not easy to walk away but if you are not happy then YOU are at fault.

Look for love in another woman!

[Tbisb74]

(....*bear*....)

[FoolishMan]

Yamaha - My brain is shouting at me! Stop wasting your time here and let go. This is ridiculous and nothing will become of this!!

 

My heart feels like a ton of lead, which has anchored me firmly to this position. It is willing to accept all sorts of *****.

 

Tbisb74 - You are good! A real credit to this board!

 

Has she given me hope?? I perceive her to have but then again I am not a good judge in this situation.

 

1.> She has said she has a "soft spot" for me.

2.> She always says she feels pressured to reply to my messages even though I have pointed out numerous times that she should reply only when she has a moment.

3.> She loves children and bought up in conversation (more than a couple of times) that she thought if she were to have kids with me, they would be adorable! (I usually think wtf!?)

4.> Our conversations do contain sexual connotation

 

There is more I am sure but I cannot think right now.

[Tbisb74]

Yamaha - My brain is shouting at me! Stop wasting your time here and let go. This is ridiculous and nothing will become of this!!

You need to listen and act upon this. My increasing impression is that you have to cut these ties that bind....

 

My heart feels like a ton of lead, which has anchored me firmly to this position. It is willing to accept all sorts of *****.

Yes, sadly, hearts are a bit elastic that way... they will stretch and s-t-r-e-t-c-h to accommodate all kinds of treatments. But when they snap, and the recoil hits you, it really, really smarts. But really.

 

Tbisb74 - You are good! A real credit to this board!

No. The only reason you say this, is because you knew already, that everything I have said, is true. I'm just the cold-water thrower. If for one moment you disagreed with me, or were lying to yourself, you'd dismiss my input as a pile of crock, because it wouldn't be what you want to hear. But the fact you agree, makes it more pertinent. Put it this way: I'm just saying what your heart - and mind - already know....

 

Has she given me hope?? I perceive her to have but then again I am not a good judge in this situation.

No.... I will, as a wona, tell you what I think I see she's doing....

 

1.> She has said she has a "soft spot" for me.

Yes, she has. She likes you a lot. In fact, I would say you really are a best male buddy....

2.> She always says she feels pressured to reply to my messages even though I have pointed out numerous times that she should reply only when she has a moment.

She doesn't want to be seen as cruel, or callous or ignoring you. Be honest: If you were to send her a text, and she didn't reply with her customary speed - you would be wondering and fretting about why.... You phone-watch when you engage in texting her, don't you?

3.> She loves children and bought up in conversation (more than a couple of times) that she thought if she were to have kids with me, they would be adorable! (I usually think wtf!?)

Now, see.... a woman could say this to a gay friend and he'd say "Awww! You're so sweet!" It's the kind of thing you say to someone you're really close to, to emphasise the closeness. I bet if you'd said: "ok, let's go to bed and make babies then!" She would run a mile...in the kindest way she could.....

 

4.> Our conversations do contain sexual connotation

Yes. Because she thinks you're 'safe'. You know she doesn't want to go out with you. You know she has been on dates with other guys.

She thinks you've got the message. She thinks you're moved on, past the puppy-love stage. She believes this is all old news and that you are perfectly happy to just be a buddy. So you are a safe bet for a bit of risqué chit-chat....You know... The 'gay' friend again. I have a gay friend. His name is Martin. But all his gay friends call him 'Martine'. He's more camp than a boy scout troupe. Yet the discussions we have sometimes would turn the air blue.....

 

There is more I am sure but I cannot think right now.

Need you say more? I don't think so.

The time for talking is over. You now need to decide what to DO.

[FoolishMan]

I would like a female perspective on this as it baffles me.

 

When she met up with her perspective guy on holiday and it all didn't go well, she called me to tell me it went badly ... why? This woman has A LOT of friends! Why tell me - the guy with the heart ripped to shreds because of her?

 

In conversations recently, she would say she has been catching up with friends. She clearly points out that these are her FEMALE friends! I.e. like don't you worry yourself.

 

It does not help that I am a black and white person. I don't do shades of grey ...

[FoolishMan]

You need to listen and act upon this. My increasing impression is that you have to cut these ties that bind....

 

 

Yes, sadly, hearts are a bit elastic that way... they will stretch and s-t-r-e-t-c-h to accommodate all kinds of treatments. But when they snap, and the recoil hits you, it really, really smarts. But really.

 

 

No. The only reason you say this, is because you knew already, that everything I have said, is true. I'm just the cold-water thrower. If for one moment you disagreed with me, or were lying to yourself, you'd dismiss my input as a pile of crock, because it wouldn't be what you want to hear. But the fact you agree, makes it more pertinent. Put it this way: I'm just saying what your heart - and mind - already know....

 

 

No.... I will, as a wona, tell you what I think I see she's doing....

 

Yes, she has. She likes you a lot. In fact, I would say you really are a best male buddy....

She doesn't want to be seen as cruel, or callous or ignoring you. Be honest: If you were to send her a text, and she didn't reply with her customary speed - you would be wondering and fretting about why.... You phone-watch when you engage in texting her, don't you?

Now, see.... a woman could say this to a gay friend and he'd say "Awww! You're so sweet!" It's the kind of thing you say to someone you're really close to, to emphasise the closeness. I bet if you'd said: "ok, let's go to bed and make babies then!" She would run a mile...in the kindest way she could.....

 

Yes. Because she thinks you're 'safe'. You know she doesn't want to go out with you. You know she has been on dates with other guys.

She thinks you've got the message. She thinks you're moved on, past the puppy-love stage. She believes this is all old news and that you are perfectly happy to just be a buddy. So you are a safe bet for a bit of risqué chit-chat....You know... The 'gay' friend again. I have a gay friend. His name is Martin. But all his gay friends call him 'Martine'. He's more camp than a boy scout troupe. Yet the discussions we have sometimes would turn the air blue.....

 

Need you say more? I don't think so.

The time for talking is over. You now need to decide what to DO.

 

In am the GAY friend with NO benefits!! This is way f##king worse than I thought

[Tbisb74]

In am the GAY friend with NO benefits!! This is way f##king worse than I thought

 

That's why I really think the time to discuss this is over. You now need to decide just what you have to do to get past this.

 

(And when I said 'wona' I did of course, mean 'Woman'.... Sorry 'bout that.....)

[preraph]

What you are and how you deal with things such as letting bygones be bygones is all stuff you can and will need to change. You have to learn from your experiences. You do not let someone back into your life who is making you miserable. You are friendzoned. You can't handle it, so you need to get away from her and move on. I hate it when people act like "I can't help the way I am." Yes, you can. You are the only one who CAN help the way you are, and you are supposed to be fluid and adjust to different situations and not give the same reaction to a bad situation as a good situation. You can let bygones be bygones and still do what's best for you to get past this girl, which is no contact and going out with friends and having fun and refocusing. Doesn't matter whether she likes it or not. She had to see it coming.

[FoolishMan]

.... Doesn't matter whether she likes it or not.

 

This is the really unbelievable part. There is a part of me that does not want to upset her! I know she has turned my life upside down but still (and you will hate this preraph), it is how I am! I literally need to try to recode my brain to accept stuff I am uncomfortable with to get out of this.

 

Hell, it is no one's fault but my own! I type a couple of hundred words on a forum and people reading it thousands of miles away (I presume) can see EXACTLY what is going on! It is right in front of me but my judgement is so clouded, I don't know my ass from my forehead! Believe it or not, I am quite a good judge of character!

 

Off to have a few drinks and to reprogram my brain. Thanks for setting me straight again guys.

Edited July 26, 2014 by FoolishMan

[preraph]

I do realize just knowing your weaknesses doesn't automatically change them. That's where you have to draw on your inner strength and use discipline to change your thought focus and behavior. Think of two things she's done to make you miserable for every one good thing that pops into your head. I realize it may not be anybody's fault, but that's even more reason to just try to not let yourself dissolve over it and soldier on. Good luck.

[TigerLilly78]

Tbisb74 -

 

Is it me or do women tend to friendzone men rather than vice-versa?

 

.

 

From my experiences alot of men will still seep with a women they have friend zoned were as women will not don't know if that's really vice versa but its my view on it...

[FoolishMan]

I don't have much contact with males outside of a social circle. It is quite natural for a male to have sexual intentions and I do not want them hovering around me 'hoping' for whatever.

 

Right, so if one of your male friends pulls you aside and confesses that he has feelings for you, what would you do with that man?

 

Would you establish some distance or just carry on and maintain the status quo?

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Right, so if one of your male friends pulls you aside and confesses that he has feelings for you, what would you do with that man?

 

Would you establish some distance or just carry on and maintain the status quo?

 

This happens to me every now and then. I explain in a friendly way that I'm not interested. What I do next depends on how strong their feelings are. If it seems like just a crush, then I continue our friendship as normal. If they seem very attached, I stay away for a bit to make things easier.

[FoolishMan]

This happens to me every now and then. I explain in a friendly way that I'm not interested. What I do next depends on how strong their feelings are. If it seems like just a crush, then I continue our friendship as normal. If they seem very attached, I stay away for a bit to make things easier.

 

To me, that is fair enough! However, my friend with no benefits does not make it easy for me (so far) to wonder off. I have said to her before that I need some keep my distance and sort myself out to which she has said she "won't let me do that".... She wants me around but does not want want me.

 

I have decided I now don't care what is going on with her as a first step. I have been here before, keep coming back to stage one.