How long to let someone grieve?

[LilySun]

Recently I got in touch with an Ex from 3 years ago. In doing that I got the sad news his fiance passed away just 5 months ago. They got together shortly after he and I broke up. Due to my schedule at the time he didn't see me as often as he wanted and ultimately frustrated him enough that he was no longer happy and broke it off with me.

 

In contacting him I just wanted to know how he's doing, but after chatting he suggested we hang out sometime so we did. Being more than friends didn't cross my mind at all. But to my surprise he became affectionate and next thing we know it's like a FWB situation.

We are having a great time hanging out this way, in fact it's been even more fun than it was 3 yrs ago. He was madly in love with his fiance, I hate that he had to go through this and I realize he is lonely and just wants companionship. I know he would rather even have her here than be with me. But that is understandable.

He told me he doesn't want to be a boyfriend right now, but he likes me and just needs time. I understand, and I am quite happy with what we have going.

Question is, how long do you allow it to stay that way before saying hey, its time to move on with me? 5 months isn't long. Who knows how long before he's healed. I'm willing to be patient. But when do you say take her pictures down and focus on me now? I never expected all this, its a weird scenario and I don't know what to think.

[d0nnivain]

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news but he's probably never going to move on with you. You are physical comfort in the form of someone familiar so he doesn't have to try too hard or be on his best behavior. To eventually turn that into something is unlikely (but not impossible, just improbable).

 

 

 

 

Grief is a funny thing. For some people it's quick. For others it takes a while. I would give it at least a year. 5 months is definitely not enough time but 5 years isn't out of the Q.

[leavesonautumn]

There's no real "time" to give someone to grieve anything really. My friend's fiancé passed away after they had been together 5 years (this was about 10 year ago now) and it took her a few years and a few physical companions to move on. It's nice that he can have someone to talk to but I'm not sure if he's handling it in the healthiest way. I'm not a professional but something just doesn't seem right about it.

 

No one knows what can happen between you two but like d0nnivain said, it's not really likely that it will be anytime soon or even with you.

[pteromom]

But when do you say take her pictures down and focus on me now?

 

You NEVER say this. She's a part of him and always will be. He shouldn't have her photo next to his bed while you are there being intimate with him, but he may ALWAYS want some photos of her around, and you need to be able to accept that if you want to be with him.

 

Grief is a process. There's no end point. He may get to a place where he agrees to be your boyfriend, doesn't talk about her for months straight, then a song comes on the radio and he breaks down crying. That may happen for the rest of his LIFE.

 

If you want to be with him, you will have to learn to accept the memory of her as part of your relationship.

 

But it is very possible you are just a bandaid for him, and he won't want to end up with you at all.

 

You have a lot to think about. Make sure you are making the choice that is healthiest for YOU.

[carhill]

He told me he doesn't want to be a boyfriend right now, but he likes me and just needs time.

OK, then you have a choice. If you want him as a boyfriend and that's not in the cards right now, mark it off to bad timing and move on. He has plenty of people in his life to share his grief with. If you're fine with being a platonic friend, do that and continue to date other men. As a friend, he should support that choice.

I understand, and I am quite happy with what we have going.

That's the third option, accepting what is real for now without speculation of a future. Living in the now.

Question is, how long do you allow it to stay that way before saying hey, its time to move on with me?

How would that go with any man? Remain consistent to your boundaries. People experience loss every day. We all deal with and move on. What's your timeline for 'move on'? Does it match up with his? If yes, sounds good. If no, then do you push you boundary to match existing circumstances. That's a choice.

5 months isn't long.

Depends. For some people an eternity. For others a blip. Everyone is different. His grief process will take as long as it takes. When it's over it's over. He won't know for sure until it is, then he can reflect upon how it went for him.

Who knows how long before he's healed.

Yep, that's it. Who knows.

I'm willing to be patient. But when do you say take her pictures down and focus on me now?

 

If you wish to have such a conversation, do it at the time your boundary has been reached. Do it respectfully and with due consideration of his grief process, but do it regardless and then leave him to process that information and move on in your life.

 

Remember, he broke up with you because you were to busy (his boundary) to spend the kind of time with him that he wanted you to and he was unhappy. That's valid. Your boundaries are just as valid, and they're yours. No one else owns them other than you. Good luck!

[LilySun]

You NEVER say this. She's a part of him and always will be. He shouldn't have her photo next to his bed while you are there being intimate with him, but he may ALWAYS want some photos of her around, and you need to be able to accept that if you want to be with him.

 

Grief is a process. There's no end point. He may get to a place where he agrees to be your boyfriend, doesn't talk about her for months straight, then a song comes on the radio and he breaks down crying. That may happen for the rest of his LIFE.

 

If you want to be with him, you will have to learn to accept the memory of her as part of your relationship.

 

But it is very possible you are just a bandaid for him, and he won't want to end up with you at all.

 

You have a lot to think about. Make sure you are making the choice that is healthiest for YOU.

 

Yeah...her pics are still at his bedside. But I don't wanna be a b*tthole and ask him to remove them while I'm there.

 

He texts me everyday, morning day and night, and its hard.to know if this is out of pure lonliness or interest, or a little of both.

[LilySun]

OK, then you have a choice. If you want him as a boyfriend and that's not in the cards right now, mark it off to bad timing and move on. He has plenty of people in his life to share his grief with. If you're fine with being a platonic friend, do that and continue to date other men. As a friend, he should support that choice. That's the third option, accepting what is real for now without speculation of a future. Living in the now.

How would that go with any man? Remain consistent to your boundaries. People experience loss every day. We all deal with and move on. What's your timeline for 'move on'? Does it match up with his? If yes, sounds good. If no, then do you push you boundary to match existing circumstances. That's a choice. Depends. For some people an eternity. For others a blip. Everyone is different. His grief process will take as long as it takes. When it's over it's over. He won't know for sure until it is, then he can reflect upon how it went for him. Yep, that's it. Who knows.

 

If you wish to have such a conversation, do it at the time your boundary has been reached. Do it respectfully and with due consideration of his grief process, but do it regardless and then leave him to process that information and move on in your life.

 

Remember, he broke up with you because you were to busy (his boundary) to spend the kind of time with him that he wanted you to and he was unhappy. That's valid. Your boundaries are just as valid, and they're yours. No one else owns them other than you. Good luck!

 

My schedule is more flexible now than it was back then, so perhaps this will be better for our 2nd time around.

[Tayla]

It takes as long as it takes to gain some stability after a love loss. Luckily there is no time clock or calandar to go by. It's stages. Respect him and if I may say so...Do not take advantage of his vulnerable side right now. Guide him to a trusting place and be his friend first. Accept him as is with flaws and all...He may teach you a thing or two about appreciating that which you have now.

[LilySun]

It takes as long as it takes to gain some stability after a love loss. Luckily there is no time clock or calandar to go by. It's stages. Respect him and if I may say so...Do not take advantage of his vulnerable side right now. Guide him to a trusting place and be his friend first. Accept him as is with flaws and all...He may teach you a thing or two about appreciating that which you have now.

 

Good advice. We communicate well and he is pretty open with telling me his needs and thoughts. After what he went through I can't help but understand and respect it all. I have let him know that I am here as his friend. I do appreciate him very much, as he is a good listener and looks out for me. I almost see this as my 2nd chance with him because I feel I could have been a better girlfriend the 1st time. Even though he isn't ready for committment status I am still really happy right now. I want to have as much patience as I can. But that fear.still lives with me that he is just lonely, I can't compete with the love he lost and eventually I will be dumped again.

[preraph]

Some guys cope with breaking up or worse losses by just staying busy, but there's no way anything healthy is going to come of this. You have no say in how long it takes him to get over it and he will likely never want to forget her and get rid of her photos. When someone dies while the relationship is still good, they are going to be put on a pedestal the rest of his life. It can take years for them to be ready to commit again. If commitment is what you are after, then you would be wise to date someone else and just befriend him.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah...her pics are still at his bedside. But I don't wanna be a b*tthole and ask him to remove them while I'm there.

 

 

My suggestion is a little passive aggressive but I'd spend less time at his house. Drive the dates so you end up at your house. Once he figure out why & asks, you can tell him that you would prefer the picture be elsewhere in his home while you are there. She appropriately sheepish & cringe-y when you confess this because it's really an awkward thing to say.

[pteromom]

Yeah...her pics are still at his bedside. But I don't wanna be a b*tthole and ask him to remove them while I'm there.

 

It is perfectly reasonable to say something like "I know you like having pictures of ____ around to remember her, and I respect that, but I am uncomfortable looking at her face while we are having sex or cuddling. Is there any way you could put them up in a different room?"

 

If he takes offense to a simple, reasonable request like that, he obviously is nowhere near ready to be with someone else.

 

He texts me everyday, morning day and night, and its hard.to know if this is out of pure lonliness or interest, or a little of both.

 

Yep, you are right. Only time will tell, but it is OK to start having little conversations with him, to find out where his head is at.

[LilySun]

My suggestion is a little passive aggressive but I'd spend less time at his house. Drive the dates so you end up at your house. Once he figure out why & asks, you can tell him that you would prefer the picture be elsewhere in his home while you are there. She appropriately sheepish & cringe-y when you confess this because it's really an awkward thing to say.

 

I would try that except I live with my mother right now, so having men over to stay the night is no option. He no longer lives in their home so things could be more awkward, but yeah the picture thing bothers me a bit.

 

How would this be: "I understand why you have the pics there and I'm not asking they are put away permanently, but if I am to keep being intimate with you, they make it kindof strange for me...."

[StumpyNB]

He is using you. And you sound like you are very upfront and comfortable about it for the moment, because you know its what he needs right now, and it works for you... for the moment...

 

So to answer your question how long is long enough? When you feel like the status quo needs to change because its no longer working for you or for him. Its that simple.

 

As far as the picture thing.. Simple. 'These pictures in the bedroom make me feel a little weird, can we maybe put them in then den or something like that instead?'

Edited July 18, 2014 by StumpyNB

[Tayla]

Any photos or momentos are no one elses business of how they are displayed or arranged in ones own home.

 

My aunt loss her son 20 years ago... His memories are quaintly displayed. No relative or friend ever has told her to "stop grieving, get over it, put that stuff away". We respect her and their bond.

 

Telling someone to remove items while you are in their home is disrespecting. Unless the items are a safety hazard. Which in this circumstance is not.

 

The issue isnt really the picture, or momentos, its the fact that one has to share a relationship with a ghost. Welcome the fact that he did love and will love again. There is a time and a place for him to allow others in... Be patient, it can happen. Sounds like he is taking his time, which is good.

[LilySun]

Any photos or momentos are no one elses business of how they are displayed or arranged in ones own home.

 

My aunt loss her son 20 years ago... His memories are quaintly displayed. No relative or friend ever has told her to "stop grieving, get over it, put that stuff away". We respect her and their bond.

 

Telling someone to remove items while you are in their home is disrespecting. Unless the items are a safety hazard. Which in this circumstance is not.

 

The issue isnt really the picture, or momentos, its the fact that one has to share a relationship with a ghost. Welcome the fact that he did love and will love again. There is a time and a place for him to allow others in... Be patient, it can happen. Sounds like he is taking his time, which is good.

 

Anyone would keep photos of their children around after death, that's a given. I wouldn't expect anything less.

 

He is taking his time and I appreciate that. He deserves someone to be patient with him and I want to be. I will likely not ever get the nerve to mention her pictures, however, it is just always in my head that I'm not and never can be as special as she was to him. If we become serious I will still feel like 2nd choice or 2nd best. I'm not sure if I would be able to live with that. On the same hand he has a big heart and treats women very well, and I would consider myself lucky to have him. I already feel lucky and happy that he is back in my life.I guess its the circumstance of which this is happening. But I make it clear to him that I don't want him to feel pressured, so I realize that I have to stick with my word if I want to keep him in my life.

Edited July 19, 2014 by LilySun

[Tayla]

You sound fair minded. May i suggest reading up on articles involving widows and relationships. I disagree that it should only be family who retains memories or objects of there lost kin, i keep some of an endearing guy friend who was taken too soon. No one has said that grief and its aftermath is exclusive . Glad that you are there to support him and enjoy these moments. He sounds like a fair chap! You needn't compete with a loved one.... Acceptance that she was and always will have a place in his life story. You get to be in his most recent chapter! Thats pretty humbling when you think about it.

[LilySun]

He and I continue to see eachother, now its been over a month. At this point he is beginning to want me around a little more often. We made plans for the weekend and he referred to it as a "date". So I think he is slowly getting more comfortable.

It also seems that we are having alot more fun and generally clicking with eachother more than we even did while dating 3 years ago. At that time we moved very quickly into a relationship so it fizzled fast. This time its as though we are truly getting to know eachother without pressure and it seems we are growing to like eachother more. We are enjoying ourselves alot. Her photos are around and the loss is still fresh, but we do seem happy.