Just got friendzoned

[bluecrabroll]

Hi guys,

 

Wanted to share a confusing situation and wanted some insight if possible although I already know the outcome.

 

I'm 31 and she's 28 and we've known each other for 2 years (met for a month then have been keeping in touch since). Throughout this time her and I have been through a couple relationships and we go to each other to vent, etc. we haven't had the chance to meet up in person due to personal scheduling conflicts.

 

2 months ago she decided to tag along on a trip I had planned with my friends to the Caribbean. I'd always had a small crush on her but didn't pursue things because I didn't want to use her as a rebound from my breakups and the distance and time in between. I decided to see how things we're on vacation to see how i felt. Since then its been "you are the best guy ever, yay we get to spend some alone time together if people fly in late, don't leave me, etc." If i don't talk to her for a few days she'll ask where have i been and ask me to call her."

 

2 days before the actual trip she tells me she just started seeing a guy and she is taking it slow with him (1 month) and she says hes ok with the trip. He is three years younger than her. This is the first guy she has really liked in a long time. The first night we spend together she says "you and the new guy are the only two guys who's ever treated me well."

 

During the whole trip we- shared a bed together (no sex), shared all our meals together cause she has diet restrictions so I split everything with her (eating drinking off same plate), and pretty much did everything together alone most of the time, feel asleep in bed watching a movie or singing along songs.

 

The chemistry we had was amazing. We understood each others jokes and sense of humor. Our friends were wondering why we were not together cause of the way we connected and one girl even asked her to reevaluate her current boyfriend cause what her and I have is uncommon. I thought we had an emotional connection.

 

Anyway, I finally let her know my feelings for her the last day of the trip and got totally friend zoned. It came as a surprise to her that way I felt. I told her I didn't expect anything from this confession but I wanted to get things off my chest so I could move on. She told me things that made no sense like I only like her cause I am not with someone now and we are spending time together. Or she doesn't date her friends but lately has been learning to look for guys like her friends.

 

Anyway, we talked it out and it was short- I just ultimately want whatever is best for her.

 

Then an hour goes by and she asked me to share a dessert with her and then watch another movie with her on the airplane home.

 

The end is the same. She wants to remain friends and I have such an amazing connection with her. I'm just afraid I'll hang on and never move on from her. I mean we are never going to be going on vacations like this anymore- especially when we are in relationships.

 

I wonder if I missed anything that said "only friends"?

[ladyruby]

Gosh... that's really sad, actually! I'm sorry your going through this... All of those behaviours look to me like girlfriend behaviours, too. As a girl, I would not be falling asleep in the same bed as another man while being in a relationship, sex or no. Nor would I be sharing food off the same plate. All of that is too intimate and close. It's certain to give the wrong impression. Either she feels very desperate for affection despite her boyfriend, actually likes you but can't part with the other guy and is trying to make you feel strange to secure you as her back-up, or actually likes you and feels uncomfortable about those feelings because she also feels them for other people. No matter what it is, her affections aren't only yours. I think while she's in her current relationship, you need to part ways with her, because her will is rather visibly in a weakened state right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if she'd cheat on her boyfriend for you only to say to you afterward that it was just an impulse and she just wants you to be her friend. She's in a flighty state of openness that isn't emotionally safe for anyone involved. I hope she finds some resolve, and that you can do what is best for you! You sound like a very kind and generous person, and you deserve the same consideration in return.

[gaius]

You were sleeping in the same bed together and you never made a move? Just confessed feelings toward the end of the trip after all the shots were over? Unfortunately that's a case where lets be friends means exactly that.

[David87]

You had so many shots with this girl ...... the biggest one was the sleeping in the same bed thing.... she likes you more than a friend and she expected you to make a move on her but you didn't .... that's why you got friendzoned.

 

 

Next time this happens .... make a move.....

[bluecrabroll]

If I were want to be in a serious relationship with this girl I would never make a move on her while she is in a relationship as I would lose respect for myself and herself too.

 

I waited because I know she likes the new guy ( I know what she's been through in the past) and I didn't want to make the whole trip awkward. I knew very well I was gonna get friend zoned but I wanted to have my feelings out there so she can do whatever she wanted with them the right way.

 

She wants to remain friends but I think she is flighty at this time too. Seriously dunno why anyone would fly a few thousand miles to "hang out", among other things.

 

I think I need some space to get over this so I can stop pining for her and as for her relationship with her guy all I can do is wait and see.

[Elias33]

You were friends with her to begin with. You are not lucky to share a bed with a girl if nothing is happening, it is an absolute death sentence to a non-platonic relationship. So no, you were not friend-zoned, you have done that yourself a long time ago. Ironically, all the sharing you've done with her have cemented your friend status. Sorry to hear about your troubles.

[Valen]

If I were want to be in a serious relationship with this girl I would never make a move on her while she is in a relationship as I would lose respect for myself and herself too.

 

Telling a girl who is in a relationship how you feel about them qualifies as making a move. You are basically trying to inject yourself between them. It's no different than a guy who hits on girl who has a boyfriend even though he knows she has a boyfriend. It's sleazy.

[bluecrabroll]

You are right it's sleazy and I did apologize to her for being inappropriate. I had no choice, either try to kiss her in bed, tell her at the end of the trip, or not say anything. I felt like I needed to say something and that was the less sleazy way to do it.

[Joyfirst]

I felt like I needed to say something and that was the less sleazy way to do it.

I agree with you -it is always best to be open about things. And it wasn't the same as hitting on someone - you two had a history together, and so many unclear things. I think you did a great thing.

[Tayla]

I agree with joyfirst. You were open and honest. Sorry to hear of her response. Seems her actions weren't matching her words. You were being a gentleman for not making moves in the sleeping arrangements.... Its called being respectfull. Its genuinely her loss that she placed you in that zone... You sound like a decent gent! Friendships can be a balancing act, seeems like she dropped the ball in where to draw the line. My guy friends know straightup if we travel its in a bro/sis way so there is no mixed or hidden agenda. Makes the travel that much more relaxing.

[bluecrabroll]

Thank you for the replies. I am glad you think I did the right thing. Been trying to keep a little distance from her but keep getting texts and emails by her. At this point I'll eventually need to let her know I need some space so I can move on.

[preraph]

You said you spent the night with her. Did you have sex? Because if so, that's not being friendzoned. Although it would mean she's plenty fickle.

[bluecrabroll]

No sex. I let her know last night about how I feel with her talking to me all the time after the trip. Her sending pics of us and her seeing the things we talked about on the trip. I couldn't take it anymore and told her I need space to respect her relationship with her guy and for me to need to move on and for her to be cognizant of what I'm going through. It's difficult doing the right thing all the damn time.

[Tayla]

when you do the right thing its rarely troublesome to come to terms with. Its the value system. What seems to be at the root of this is her inability to regard your feelings and view point. She did seem to give off a double message. You faired well thru this. You gained my respect for the way you handled the matter.

[Eddie Edirol]

No sex. I let her know last night about how I feel with her talking to me all the time after the trip. Her sending pics of us and her seeing the things we talked about on the trip. I couldn't take it anymore and told her I need space to respect her relationship with her guy and for me to need to move on and for her to be cognizant of what I'm going through. It's difficult doing the right thing all the damn time.

 

Im calling this girl flake of yours out. I think she knew from day one that she wasnt attracted to you, but used you for company because she knew you liked her and she could easily get you to do whatever she wanted. Including taking her on a caribbean trip while pining for her. And then doesnt even hint to you that shes interested in you while shes down there. You might have respected her down there, but she is probably sleeping with that other guy while shes home. I think you dont have a chance and I glad you cut her off for now

 

If she is actually interested in you, and I think the chances are extremely low, she could have been telling you about this guy to make you jealous, and waited tortuously for you to make a move in the Caribbean, but I think she would have dropped heavy hints if that was the case.

Edited May 1, 2014 by Eddie Edirol

[thecrucible]

Hey there

 

 

I think possibly this was never meant to be. Your friendship started with venting about past relationships and usually that is a great way to get friendzoned. I don't usually do that with a guy I'm romantically interested in and I try and avoid being around a guy who wants me as an emotional comfort. Although it sounds like you had mutual sharing so I don't think she was using you at that point.

 

 

It's possible she could have liked you between being single and meeting her current boyfriend. Perhaps you could have made a move then, even if you were worried about rebounding (timing can be terrible but you gotta grab the bull by the horns).

 

 

Sometimes you really can be too familiar with someone to start a romance. I have fancied some guys, spent a lot of time, and sort of lost interest after they didn't make a move because the mystery goes and you know too much about them - it's sort of hard to explain.

 

 

During the whole trip we- shared a bed together (no sex), shared all our meals together cause she has diet restrictions so I split everything with her (eating drinking off same plate), and pretty much did everything together alone most of the time, feel asleep in bed watching a movie or singing along songs.

 

The chemistry we had was amazing. We understood each others jokes and sense of humor. Our friends were wondering why we were not together cause of the way we connected and one girl even asked her to reevaluate her current boyfriend cause what her and I have is uncommon. I thought we had an emotional connection.

 

 

I think she had terrible boundaries, especially considering she has a boyfriend. She shouldn't have shared a bed with you, and she probably did it knowing nothing was ever going to happen (which is how she justified it to herself). I wouldn't put much stock in what other people say because they won't see the reality of it. I've ended things with guys, even after staying over with them, because I haven't felt enough chemistry. Sometimes it can seem like you have chemistry but only the people involved have the last word on that.

 

 

Anyway, I finally let her know my feelings for her the last day of the trip and got totally friend zoned. It came as a surprise to her that way I felt. I told her I didn't expect anything from this confession but I wanted to get things off my chest so I could move on. She told me things that made no sense like I only like her cause I am not with someone now and we are spending time together. Or she doesn't date her friends but lately has been learning to look for guys like her friends.

 

 

You seem a lot more mature than her. She should have known that she was sending out 'interested' signals.

 

 

When she said that "she doesn't date her friends but lately has been learning to look for guys like her friends", what she means is that you are the perfect guy for her personality-wise and she wants to have a bf like you but the attraction is not there with you. Don't despair because I don't think it's a rejection of how you look or says anything about your attractiveness in general. But it would have been nice for her to clarify that.

 

The end is the same. She wants to remain friends and I have such an amazing connection with her. I'm just afraid I'll hang on and never move on from her. I mean we are never going to be going on vacations like this anymore- especially when we are in relationships.

 

 

Don't worry. You'll move on when you find someone amazing. Probably with some space, you'll notice her worst traits and slowly get over her as no one is perfect.

[bluecrabroll]

Well after 2 days of sending her an email she texts me today to let me know that she understands how I feel and she'll give me space and "really really cares" about me, etc. I am choosing to let her have the last word and me stay silent for a while.

 

When we are on the trip it was like learning about each other. If the answer were different on the trip I'd be so in love right now. Haha. She said before we're soul mates.

 

Just going to leave it at that for now. No more analyzing. Let her be with her new guy and give that a chance. Take the high way out. Maybe I was meant to show her how a guy should actually treat her.

 

Thank you everyone for the advice and words. Won't let an opportunity pass through again. Suffice to say I get lots of dates with other girls but when I lay my eyes on one girl that's all that really matters afterward. I'm at an age where its not time to mess around with emotions, especially when most girls my age group are looking forward to settling down.

[PlanetJanet]

Sounds like it was already too late for a relationship by the time you got down to the Caribbean. You had known each other for a long time and there was no spark and no connection. Even if she didn't have a new BF, it sounds like she was oblivious to any feelings you had for her. And why not be - they didn't suit her purposes.

 

You were on vacation, too. People sometimes act different when they are in a foreign place, like in a fantasy. So things might have been different had you been hanging out closer to home.

 

I agree with other posters who suggested that she had poor boundaries by sleeping in a bed with you and sharing food off your plate. That is inappropriate for friends. And I didn't hear her doing anything flirtatious or suggestive toward you the entire trip.

 

Sorry man, let her go. If she was too difficult to hook up with for the year prior, due to scheduling and all, what kind of relationship were you going to have anyway? I am sure you can find someone who is a better fit.

[littleplanet]

You know, I've known women all my life with whom this "chemistry" is apparent - and yet the laws of attraction follow their own rules.

It's like there's 'friends' chemistry, and then there's 'lovers' chemistry - and more often than not, the two don't jive.

(although the perfect mix is when you put those two together)

 

And lord - my definition of 'soul mate' sure doesn't have anything remotely to do with platonic. That is just plain silly.

 

Intimacy is something we all have our own personal rules about. Usually, a responsible person will respect certain kinds of boundaries when not wanting to give off signals that can be misinterpreted.

Especially when you know you're not attracted to someone; you don't want to cross certain lines.

 

When I was 22, I had a best friend (female) who I happened to love intensely. She knew it, but we both gave each other space and let it be, partly because we were scared to death to lose the friendship. I recall that twice when visiting her, I stayed over for the night and we slept in the same bed (no hanky panky.)

But the difference? We both knew damned well the road we were going down. (which we did - six months later.)

 

As you point out yourself - women in your age group are looking to settle down. That usually requires honesty, clarity, and sending out the right kinds of signals. Whether it's yay or nay, at least you know where you're at.

[bluecrabroll]

I just saw this reply. I do agree that we need to have boundaries. It's so weird we had them before. She would ask to visit me but backed away when I was seeing someone as it was too early in the relationship to have a friend visit and crash with me. And she thought it was inappropriate. It's weird how things change. She asked me to visit her and I said it was wrong as she just got in a relationship and she thought nothing of it.

 

Been a few weeks now. I wish I could talk to her cause she's a close friend. She texts me weekly and tried calling me once. I just give a nice reply and go about my days. It's hard to see this fade away but I'm frankly tired of being every girls best friend when I deserve more.

[todreaminblue]

Its really hard when there is this strong connection, to remain friends when that connection is only being felt one sidedly , it is like fighting a losing battle and filled with doubt and indecision...you are saying to yourself come on cant you feel it , try to feel it in your heart and the message is lost in transit, it scares away possible chances of a relationship in some, i can give an example,

 

i feel things pretty deeply including others feelings and for some reason i am meant to feel it, soemtimes i should act and sometimes i shouldnt.When i say to a guy i think you are smiling and i want verification that yes i am smiling deb, they can get creeped out.....i am now laughing, because i dotn know why my heart needs to know or maybe my heart just wants them to know that it knows, it becomes messy....lol

 

i laugh because it is a gift i was given that freaks people out...i am really finding it hard not to laugh and because i know they are smiling till they read a text message and wonder why i said what i said ...........that fact alone makes me giggle

 

the right guys eventually process and accept i am a true friend sometimes takes them a a little while to recognise i am good for them to know and i am actually harmless and not spying on them ......and the guy meant for me will cherish the fact i can feel how he feels....lol....the wrong guys run thinking crap she knows i was smiling.......i might wet the chair going youtubing soon and be dreamy.....

 

if she is right for you she will return your affection i am smiling large stick in

there you will eventually know for sure what you should do , dont push.....giggling at a computer..hold off on telling her how she feels unless you want a difinitive answer straight away the reason why i knew the guy i care abotu was smiling was because of what i said previously in the etext its not rocket science it logical and understanding soemoen who needs soem positivity and when exactly to inject it into them like a hit of sunlight....lol........i am naughty...going now.....slinks off.. smiling largely.....deb

Edited June 9, 2014 by todreaminblue