Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I have a guy friend who I've been enjoying hanging out with lately. We have great conversations and laugh a lot, and I appreciate his mind and sense of humor. I also feel totally at ease with him, which is rare. There's been nothing explicitly "romantic" or sexual between us. Except... one night a few months ago, we did kiss a little. It was fine, but it didn't go too far and I didn't really feel any true sparks. Since then we've just hung out platonically as usual. I'm almost certain we're both on the same page, because he hasn't been in my face or overtly flirting or anything like that. And we both talk about other dates we go on, etc. But lately I've been WISHING there was more chemistry between us and wondering if that's something that could eventually grow from our friendship. I've also found myself curious about what it would be like to sleep with him. What if somehow it turned out to be awesome because we're so on the same page mentally? I'm very hesitant to explore it because 1) I question whether it's even possible for chemistry to "grow" like that (I've never experienced that way), and 2) I know if we did explore that angle with more intensity, it would probably eventually cost us our friendship, which I don't want to lose. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 I don't think that initial sexual spark is going to grow just from having sex with him, personally. But you might find sex is fun enough and comfortable and that that's enough. I have to believe he'd have made an attempt by now if it was on his mind, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 I don't think that initial sexual spark is going to grow just from having sex with him, personally. But you might find sex is fun enough and comfortable and that that's enough. I have to believe he'd have made an attempt by now if it was on his mind, though. Yeah, that's what I'm worried about -- is it worth pursuing the MINOR possibility that we might discover chemistry based on our mental connection? I'm sort of at the point where I'm getting older and feel like I have to stop prioritizing instant chemical attraction (which has led me so far astray before) and find someone I can actually be good friends with. This guy hits all the "friend" notes so perfectly, but.... Link to post Share on other sites
thecrucible Posted April 1, 2014 Share Posted April 1, 2014 Be honest with yourself. Are you invested enough in making it work? Because if you're not, it probably won't go anywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 1, 2014 Author Share Posted April 1, 2014 Be honest with yourself. Are you invested enough in making it work? Because if you're not, it probably won't go anywhere. Well, I'm certainly not in love with him right now, so no, I'm not "invested" in anything romantic. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if we're actually attracted to each other, since we do have such a good thing going. My pattern in the past has been to sense/act on sexual chemistry more instantly, with the philosophy of "You either want to kiss someone, or you don't." I've rarely had a case where I've seen attraction build naturally over time. But as I've said, my past habits have led me down some bad roads. Some friends recently encouraged me to keep more of an open mind, and I'm trying to do that. In this case, I just don't know if it's worth messing around with the friendship for. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 Well, I'm probably biased because my "outing" with a good friend just ruined the friendship. I'd much rather have the friendship, but when there's egos involved, there's no going back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Standard-Fare Posted April 2, 2014 Author Share Posted April 2, 2014 I met up with said friend last night, and we had a few beers. Even feeling pleasantly buzzed, I assessed him closely and acknowledged I had no desire to kiss him. He's a good-looking dude, but the chemistry's simply not there between us. Going physical with him would require forcing myself. And I'm just not ready to do that. Sex is still important to me. THE END. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamila Posted April 2, 2014 Share Posted April 2, 2014 It can grow over time. I had that. I was completely oblivious about this guy until one day he started to act all confident and borderline with me. Something in me just switched 'on'. Meh... It's the basic of push and pull. When a guy does that, you could fall in love with him. But it depends on him ... And you have to reciprocate... Link to post Share on other sites
misswhitlock Posted April 5, 2014 Share Posted April 5, 2014 I've been in the exact same situation and I weighed the pros and cons so much. There was a lot of chemistry, we talked everyday for a year and started flirting and it really felt like it was moving forward. I did the wrong thing and had sex with him and it complicated things a LOT. I thought it would move things organically and in a casual way, and maybe it would've if we went about it differently, but it did. // He started chasing me > and I started pulling away because I started getting scared of his intentions and what it was going to end up. There was a lot of strife and a lot of miscommunication blah blah blah basically it didnt end well. If I could do it all over again, I would ask him out on a date- maybe hang outs first, but eventually a date, and see if the attraction builds. After a few dates, and I definitely see the attraction there- I would ask him if he feels the same way about me, if he feels that the friendship is moving forward, then I would go from there. That was my mistake. I jumped to sex thinking it was a good catalyst for action-- it's not. Dating is. Communication is. Later on, he did tell me that he felt our friendship was moving forward too. But things changed I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Potion9 Posted April 10, 2014 Share Posted April 10, 2014 chemistry will grow with time. There may not be lust there because you are friends first so he sees you as more then just a person he is attracted to and wants to have sex with. This is all positive really. Don't rush the romantic stuff, it will come eventually when he is ready for it. And if you are real friends. It will not cost you the friendship. As long as no silly drama occurs, like lying, backstabbing and cheating etc Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts